12/6/15 A/N: I'm taking hellish time with this one and figured it's not going to be a "short exploration of PTSD" as I once thought. Truthfully, I have no frame of reference for Ed's troubles - I've never served, experience war or violence (thankfully). So, I've had to do some research. I apologize to any who HAVE experience with PTSD, if anything here is not accurate as I am trying my best to make it so. Warnings: descriptions of self harm and semi-non consensual sexual imagery.

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Macbeth: Cure her of that! Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased, pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow, raze out the written troubles of the brain, and with some sweet oblivious antidote cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff which weighs upon her heart.

Doctor: Therein the patient must minister to himself."
― William Shakespeare, Macbeth

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Chapter 4. A Fickle Mind

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Newly married and well settled by the age of twenty, Ed and Winry had been invited to the fifth commemoration of Amestrian Freedom Day, a day celebrating the events of the Promised Day and liberation from the Bradley regime. As a hero of the Promised Day, Edward and his comrades were VIPs for an elaborate party held in the ballroom of the Grand Central Hotel. A black-tie event, everyone, Edward included, was expected to celebrate while dressed to the nines.

Except Edward hated formal wear.

Despite all but threatening to neuter him, Winry managed to get her young husband dressed in requisite tuxedo complete with bow tie and tails. She'd also managed to procure a luminous blue ballgown, one Edward had whispered looked as lovely on her as he imagined it would look on the floor of their suite later that night. His amorous hinting stopped embarrassing her a long time after they wed, so she'd answer with a coy smile giving him hope. The beautiful couple spent a few hours making their rounds in the ballroom earning smiles and happy wishes from the others in attendance. Champagne flowed freely here and since they had but an elevator ride to their room, the two figured they'd imbibe as much as they pleased. That is, until Ed's former commanding officer offered him sips from his hip flask.

Edward's daydream of his wife's shimmering dress heaped on the floor came to fruition, the married couple ended up happily disrobing each other in the privacy of their room. Frantic kisses and desperate groping led to full-on fucking, not the usual soft kissing and easy movements of the lovemaking the two were more comfortable with when sober. Alcohol doused with the lust of their young romance fueled Ed roughly changing Winry's positions and driving each of his thrusts with purpose. Winry, for her part, actually liked the more assertive Edward as she delighted in her inebriation and total loss of control to his two capable hands. She came twice before she fell asleep.

The former alchemist cursed his intoxication. He gently moved from his snoozing wife, covering her naked body with the silky cotton sheet then rifling through his suitcase for his gray sweat pants. Moving toward the door, he pulled on the loose-fitting garment as he walked then picked up the metal ice bucket on the table beside the door. They both needed water or they'd experience one nasty hangover in the morning. His golden eyes grazed the graceful swell of Winry's hips swathed in the white sheet and he felt confident he'd pleasured her but dismayed she'd probably not remember much later. Toxic chemicals flooding his bloodstream kept him from his own release and his balls ached deeply. That, and he'd noticed it raining outside which was sure to aggravate his left leg later. So, the young man slowly lumbered down the darkened hallway and filled the bucket with ice then made his way back to his room.

Edward sat for a long time in an enormous side chair by the french doors of their balcony and sipped on ice water. He took turns gazing at the night rain then back to Winry's blonde locks splayed across a white pillow. He felt cold, despite having turned up the radiator behind the chair. Ed also realized that if he didn't curl up next to the girl on the bed and fall asleep, tonight would be his third consecutive night awake. Earlier, his wife noticed the dark circles under his eyes when they were dressing and she was quick to have him hold some ice cubes to them which helped a bit. However, Winry was not aware of her husband's insomnia because although they'd lay down together, as soon as he heard her soft breathing, he'd venture downstairs where he'd read or sneak some of Granny's bourbon. Ed hoped the liquor could help him slumber but despite making him feel sleepy, sleep never came.

The man couldn't pin point what kept him from resting, but his heart felt heavy the closer the Promised Day celebration came. Memories of the fighting and of the horrors in his youth flooded his mind's eye every time he closed them, so blissful sleep eluded him. His missed Alphonse too. His little brother was busy in Xing and couldn't make this year's celebration although he sent two parcels of gifts and letters home to Resembool including photographs of the young alchemist and a certain little Bean Girl. Winry made him a bet that they'd get a wedding invitation within a year.

Still, he knew in his gut that everyone he loved was safe. Edward should feel comforted in that he restored his brother and saved the country, yet, he felt factions existed and plotted as such that any moment would destroy his peace and most fearfully, he worried something would end his blissful happiness with Winry.

Despite the chill, Ed found himself standing on the balcony letting his half-clothed body become soaked in the rain. He stared over the metal railing toward the deserted city street below and wondered if a fall from this height would kill or maim.

"Sixth floor." The blond muttered as rivulets fell down his fringe and into his mouth. He lifted his left leg, placing the metal foot on the concrete bench next to the balcony railing. This movement caused an involuntary agonizing grunt as pain from the cold seeped into the remaining bones of his stump.

"Ed?" He almost didn't hear his wife's voice from the doorway. "What are you doing in the rain?"

She caught deplorable sadness in the look on her husband's face and in his eyes as he turned to gaze back at her – his leg still raised on the bench.

"Nothing..." He lied knowing the look in his wife's sapphire eyes confirmed she knew it. Ed removed his foot from the concrete and quickly withdrew into the warmth of his hotel suite.

"I'm not so drunk as not to realize you were gawking too closely over that ledge." Winry had wrapped the bedsheet around her body and kept trying to wrap its remnants around her chilled arms. "Oh, I need some water." She wobbled over to the side table Edward had placed the glass pitcher and ice bucket.

"I swear...I was only looking." His words failed to convince.

"Ed, I know you've not been sleeping." The young woman tried to steady her shaking hands in order to pour water into a thick highball glass. She began to second guess being able to stave off any hangover with water. "Prolonged sleep loss can lead to illness and even hallucinations..."

"C'mon, spare me the medical jargon, I'm fine." Her husband found himself in the suite's palatial bathroom in search of a towel.

"No, you're not." She'd followed him and for the first time, noticing the piercing soreness of her inner thighs and other areas no doubt from their earlier sessions. "Ouch." She clutched the sheet with her right arm and quickly downed the rest of her drink, setting the glass down on the sink.

"I'm sorry I was a little rough..." He'd made his way to her side before she could reply. Ed's golden stare met her own.

"I would have stopped you if I didn't like it." Winry, however, wasn't so sure she could have.

"Win, I just don't know what overcame me, it was like I wasn't in my own body...I...I.." He paused a long time trying to find the words. "I just wanted to feel something, anything."

"We could blame it on all we both drank...but..." She gazed at her husband, searching his eyes for any hint of understanding and hoping her coming words didn't upset him further. "I think it's time." She didn't have to elaborate.

"I'm through with that psycho mumbo jumbo...I just got a little drunk, that's all." His shaky voice betrayed the hard facade Ed spent building around his emotions. He didn't even know why he continued trying to pull the wool over Winry's eyes. That woman always saw straight through his bullshit.

"Maybe..." She averted her eyes. The mechanic felt suddenly afraid – afraid of the toll on their relationship if she pushed Ed about seeking help for his almost constant nightmares, for his irritability and inability to sleep and then...for these weird dangerous moments she knew she caught him contemplating suicide. "Just promise me we can talk about this when we get back home?"

"Win..." He took her concerned face I his cold hands. "I promise" Ed hoped he wasn't lying but the thought of spilling his guts to another military shrink and reliving all the stuff of his nightmares again made him want to vomit. "Hey, my leg's killing me...I think a bath would help us both. What do you say?" His frozen arms made their way around the mechanic's still-smoldering shoulders, causing her to jump.

"Sure...let me get something out of my bag and some more water for us..." Her mood changed on a thin dime. "...and we are not finished talking about this." She stomped out of the bathroom and fumbled around looking for her bags. Alcohol still infiltrated her veins causing her gait to broaden and skew her balance. The young woman heard the bathwater running as she plopped down on the floor trying to stave off a round of dizziness. The sound of the old plumbing gurgling as Ed twisting closed the spout woke her from a small snooze and she quickly located her suitcase on the floor. Finding a long, gauzy nightgown, Winry tucked the garment over the crook of her left elbow then grabbed the ice water and Ed's glass then lumbered her way back into the bathroom.

A vision of gold partially obscured by obscene and grisly sanguine caused her to drop the glass and almost the pitcher as well.

For a second, the mechanic imagined Edward first twirling the safety-razor blade in his now calloused hand a few times before rehearsing pushing the sharp edge into the thin skin of his wrist and letting his blood seep into the warm bath water. Winry saw her new husband's crimson life flow into the clear water creating an undulating red cloud until it dissipated leaving the bath sickly pink.

"What's wrong now?" His low voice broke through the shock and the horrible vision cleared. "Did you cut yourself on the glass?" Ed made movements to raise out of the tub but his wife recovered herself enough to waive one hand in protest.

"No...stay." She set the pitcher down on the sink next to her empty glass, then grabbed a hand towel and scooped up the shards of broken glass on the tile floor. "It broke in large pieces, nothing too sharp." Winry dropped the towel into the waste basket and then let the white sheet float to the floor. She stood before her husband, legs still shaking from the grim hallucination. "I think we need to get some help...while we're in Central."

He frowned but didn't stop her or question what kind of help she meant. Edward knew she was right.

"Doctor Knox?" Ed felt stupid spilling his guts like, but the man had been paid by someone for this hour and the golden-haired man had nothing else to do alone this early. "Why after all these years did this happen...I mean, I've never hurt anyone but myself?"

"The mind is fickle, Mr. Elric." The dark-haired man adjusted his glasses and picked up his pen again to take note as he and the other man spoke. "You suffered greatly twenty years ago, that trauma just doesn't go away. Not even time can erase all damage to your mind." He tapped the end of his ink pen on his forehead for emphasis. "And, I didn't learn that from any psychology book, either. My father told me that."

"I knew your dad." Ed smiled thinking about how Dr. Knox Sr. saved both Maria Ross's and Lan Fan's lives so many years before. He also knew from what Alphonse and May had told him, that the old doctor suffered horrible mental wounds from his service in Ishval that it ruined his marriage. "I'm sorry to hear of his passing."

"Thank you." Knox Jr closed his eyes and thought of his gruff father before continuing. "I always thought that dad would be the one to end his own life...never imagined the smoking would do it first. He took a long pause as if paying silent homage to his father. "...you know he had a bad time when he returned from Isvhal?"

"Yeah..." He didn't want to say it out loud, to verbalize that the war ruined the good doctor's mind and led to his divorce.

"What dad went through...what our family went through was the reason I decided to study psychiatry in medical school. I wanted to heal men and woman like him." He stared directly into Ed's eyes to continue. "...and like you, who served our nation and came home with such horrible internal and invisible wounds that kept them from living and being happy."

"Noble of you, really." Ed couldn't help sounding smart-assed and immediately felt bad for saying it that way. "I mean...I'm sure he'd be proud."

"Yeah." Knox Jr, sat back and sighed. "Well, this is not about me or my father...let's redirect and talk about you. Tell me when you start feeling bad, what happens to you before?"

"It's as if every time I think about things associated with what happened to me and my brother all those years ago– even good things I'm rewarded with an episode of sleeplessness, anxiety or..." He inhaled deeply as the memory of Winry's face came to him, her face with his two large hands wrapped tightly around her pale neck. "...violence."

"I'd like you to tell me about your wife. Do you have a good marriage?"

Ed sat back in his chair and sighed before speaking. "Yeah, we've known each other since we were babies practically. Winry, me and Al just had each other after Winry's parents died, our dad left and mom died. The day she and I got married was the happiest day of my life."

"Mr. Elric..." The doctor pulled out a large manila file. "I was able to get your military medical records including treatment sessions with your previous physicians and psychiatrists..."

"Hey...I thought you and I were starting fresh?" He knew that military records Dr. Knox held were difficult for civilian physicians to obtain – no doubt someone helped Knox Jr come by them.

"We are...I just think it's best to take in your illness as a whole, not just treat you for this most recent episode." He noticed the man twitch and his body stiffen when he referred to almost murdering his wife as an episode. "Now, there was a time that you and Mrs. Rockbell separated. For several months? Can you tell me about that?"

"The hell!" Edward hated that time and he sure as fuck didn't want to relive it now. "What's to tell?" It was shitty time in his life, a time the person he hated most in the world was himself. "I had problems..." What he really meant was that he started showing early symptoms of shell shock, didn't know how to handle it and self medicated with booze. Ed closed his eyes and despite all his mental efforts to block it out, the memories came like an alchemical transmutation gone way bad.

"Stop it!" Winry flung the wrench with expert precision, hitting her quarry's highball glass and shattering it.

"The fuck!" Edward stood as the shards of glass, bourbon and ice fell onto the table, he shook his uninjured hand. "You could have cut me!" He knew that his wife threw with the same meticulousness as she built automail and had she really wanted to hurt him, he'd be bleeding right now.

"I'll do worse." The woman sidled up to the table. "You are stinking drunk, Ed. Why?"

"Why not?" He turned away. "Nothing more to do in this shit hole."

"Resembool's a shit hole now?" The mechanic got closer, forcing the man to stiffen. "..or is it our house?"

"You know what I mean, Win...the town." He could never think of their home that way. "I feel...stifled here."

Their baby's shrill cry reverberated down the stairwell, closely followed by Pinako's yell.

"I'll see to him!"

"Thank you Granny!" Winry hollered. "I'll be right up!" She took her husband's face in her hand, moving so he was forced to look at her. "This..." She motioned with her free hand. "...is barely stifling. It's your family." She fought but couldn't stop here eyes from welling up. Winry gave her husband a hopeful look then moved swiftly to see to their son.

"Win?" Ed's voice caused her to stop at the bottom stair. "I think I'm going out." He stood and picked up the well-worn trench coat draped across a vacant chair.

"That may be what you need right now..." His wife took one step, holding onto the rail. "Can you pick me up some milk at the market?" She cringed, knowing Ed hated even holding a carton or bottle of the white stuff. "I wouldn't ask but, I need it- Junior's nursing is making me loose too much weight."

"Sure." Ed watched Winry pull her shrinking frame upstairs to feed his wailing son. He'd stop by the market on his way to the train station and have them deliver a few gallons of milk home this evening for her. She really was thin. The former alchemist opened his front door and swayed a bit, wishing he'd skipped the bourbon. He looked up the stairs and heard his child's cries die down as Winry nursed him. "I love you." The young man uttered as he caught a faint sound of his wife humming a lullaby. He picked up his old suitcase, one he'd hidden behind the bookcase by the doorway that morning.

Edward left.

"I'm not proud of that."

"Why did you feel you had to leave your family?" Dr. Knox had filled a large pad of inked notes.

"I thought if I could just find myself alone for a few days that I could sleep, get some rest and come home."

"It didn't work, did it?"

"No." He rubbed his face with his right hand and remembered all the sleepless, booze fueled nights in a small Central City hotel room. "Winry suffered. She tried to keep up her orders up, nurse and take care of Ethan." Edward held it in, he knew he nearly killed his wife the first time twenty years ago and had done so without so much as laying a finger on her. "And she kept up this hard-headed will. Whenever I called, she acted like I was just on a business trip..."

"How did you find your way back home again?"

"Granny was the one to break through to me." He smiled remembering the old Hag. "She sent me a photograph of my son smiling. Just a tiny picture, no letter or anything. She'd written on the back something like, 'You're missing it, asshole." Ed chuckled a bit, and took out his wallet. He pilfered through it until he found the very same worn color photograph of a chubby infant. The former alchemist fingered it gently, so proud of the man this baby had grown up to be. "Gran didn't even sign it, but I could tell from her handwriting. I got an appointment with a military shrink the next day and came home a month later." Ed quietly replaced the photograph in a fold of the wallet.

"You cannot cure years of terror in one month...how did the reunion with your family go?" He scribbled again in the notepad.

"I slept on the couch...and deserved it. But Winry was sick, she could barely get up the stairs so she slept on a patient bed on the main floor. I was too busy with my son and getting my wife back to health that I didn't have time to dwell on my pain..." He let his hand fall from his face to the worn leather couch cushion he sat upon. "That's how I moved past it...and...eventually, she forgave me."

A tiny egg timer on Dr. Knox's desk buzzed loudly until the psychiatrist set his notepad and pen down and turned a button on the side of the contraption.

"I think today was productive, tomorrow morning, we'll start your therapy."

"What?" Ed shot to the edge, of his seat. "All we did was talk, we got nothing done!" Truly, he felt he could have had the same chat with Winry...for free.

"On the contrary, I've developed a plan for your treatment, you'll see." He smiled, then stood, motioning toward the door. "Tomorrow morning then?"

"Whatever." Ed felt uneasy, as seeing Dr. Knox would end the same as the military doctors – a failure. As he stepped into the living area of the home and outside of the office he had been sitting, he noticed a brass telephone on a corner table. A calm feeling washed over him as well as the sudden urge to hear a familiar voice. "Say, Doc?"

"Yes?"

"Do you mind if I use your phone? I want to call home." He hoped the good Doctor would approve.

"Not at all...take your time." Knox motioned to the telephone and the stiff seat next to the telephone table. "I'll be in my office, you can let yourself out?" Edward nodded he could as his doctor smiled and closed his office door leaving the former alchemist alone with only his nerves and fears as comfort.

"Here goes." He noticed the grandfather clock in the adjacent hallway. His golden eyes kept track of the swinging brass pendulum...back and forth...back and forth. Ed suddenly felt the fear and rage kept safe in his gut disappear and his mood elevate. His courage also rose as he noticed the time was now nine-thirty and surely he'd reach one of his kids if he called now. Edward grabbed the cold receiver and dialed the number and waited.

"Rockbell Automail." He recognized Sarah's assertive voice immediately.

"Hey..."

"Dad!" The eldest daughter leapt as she heard her father's voice. Her elation quickly gave way to anger. "Where the hell are you! Get home!" She didn't care she cursed.

"I will...I promise." He took in a deep breath. "Listen, I'm seeing a doctor." Ed didn't want to tell his baby girl what kind of doctor but knew she should know the truth. "He's a psychiatrist, helps former soldiers through the same stuff."

"...that's great!" Her heart fluttered at idea her dad found a professional familiar with his nightmares and night terrors, that someone could offer him a cure. "I'm sorry I yelled...if you have someone that can help, you need to stay there."

"Sarah?" He feared asking the question. "How's your mom?" Edward missed Winry so, and the image of her resting fretfully on the clinic bed and injured by his hand was not one he welcomed every time he closed his eyes. Yet, that is what he saw.

"She's in the surgery room with Uncle Al and Aunt Mei right now. Let me check!" Before Ed could utter another word, Sarah let go of the receiver, letting it dangle from the table as she ran to the rooms her mother used to install automail. "Uncle! It's dad!" The blonde girl tapped her knuckles on the closed wooden door only to have the smiling face of her Auntie Mei appear as it opened.

"Shhhhh." Mei shushed her niece. "You mother just received a sedative to help her sleep. She needs to be still for a few hours." The diminutive Xingese woman opened the door wider so that Sarah could see Alphonse lowering the patient bed to a normal level with a hand crank, then covering up her sleeping mother with a warm quilt.

"Dad's on the phone."

"I want to speak with him." Alphonse's voice rang quiet but stern as he brushed Winry's damp bangs from her closed eyes and traversed the short steps from the bed to the doorway.

"Husband?" Mei sensed anger in his chi. Anger, quite unnatural for his nature. "Calm...think before you speak." She pinched the loose cloth hanging from the back of Al's pullover shirt, keeping him from moving forward as Sarah motioned toward the telephone table in the hallway.

"You and Brother never were best friends...why are you asking me to be kind to him now?" He didn't try to hide the bitterness in his voice. He'd pushed and all but coerced Edward to find better help for his issues over the years and Al felt his big brother never took any treatment he received seriously.

"He's an ass sometimes." She whispered so Sarah couldn't hear her slur her father and they walked slowly. "But you and I both have felt his and Winry's chi...he loves her so fiercely and she him. He could not have had any control of his body when he harmed her." She was cut totally off guard as her tall spouse suddenly turned to face her, his golden eyes glowing with ire.

"He should have tried harder...she's pregnant." Al knew his brother had the strength to overcome monsters such as the homunculi so he just couldn't fathom how Ed failed to stop a nightmare that caused him to harm his pregnant wife.

"What?" Sarah heard. She turned around on the ball of her socked-foot and kept the two adults from going further. "What did you say?"

"Way to go, Husband." Mei elbowed her husband square in his ribs. "Winry asked we not speak of this yet."

"Mom...is pregnant again?" Sarah now grew angry at her mom for keeping this secret...then her father earned her infuriation for getting her mom in such a state to begin with. "Don't those two morons remember how awful Trisha's birth was?" Although Trisha Elric was born healthy and strong, her mother suffered terrible morning sickness and later some sort of complications with her blood pressure leaving her bedridden for months. Winry finally delivered, she lost so much blood she nearly died. Dr. Renbak then advised against another pregnancy.

"Shhh." Al hushed her as he moved around his niece toward the telephone. "Don't tell your siblings yet." He picked up the receiver and began talking with his brother.

"Aunt Mei? Why didn't mom and dad tell me?" Sarah whispered under the angry baritone of her uncle's voice.

"Sarah, your mother didn't even tell us...Alphonse and I sensed the baby's strong chi the moment we stepped into this house. She confirmed it but wrote on the slate asking us not tell you just yet." Al's voice raised, tearing Mei's attention from her niece to her husband.

"...I just spent the last hour healing Winry, Brother. You should be here with her, not in Central!...Yes, it appears to have gone well...I sedated her so she could sleep for a while and we'll see if it worked...yes, if not then you may never hear her voice again..." Silence indicated either Edward had hung up or couldn't form words.

Edward couldn't bear the thought that he'd maimed Winry, taking her beautiful voice, it just was too much. He dropped the telephone and had to sit down on one of the plush velvet covered stools by the telephone table in Dr. Knox's hallway. After a few deep breaths and hearing Alphonse's voice asking for him, he picked up the receiver again and spoke. "Al, did she...you know about the baby?"

"Mei and I felt your new child's chi as soon as we arrived. Don't worry, we've not told the kids...except Sarah overheard and she knows." He turned to view the shocked face of his niece as his wife patted her shoulder in comfort. "I guess you and Winry knew the risks."

"We did but it wasn't planned." He raked his fingers through the fringe hanging from his forehead. "Winry saw a specialist here and we'd planned on coming to Central to deliver the baby, we'd just not figured out how to tell the children." Ed knew the older kids would be pissed for their parent's recklessness, especially remembering how ill their mother got when Trisha arrived.

Alphonse sighed loudly. "You should have told me. Mei and I have skills that could help. We're going to help Winry now that we know. I just don't know why you two think you could handle this alone...both of you are stupid, you know?"

"I know..."

"David and Ethan are coming to Central, David's test is in a few days." Al didn't need to elaborate what test, he knew Ed was aware his protege eyed becoming a state alchemist. "Where are you staying?"

"Armstrong estate...and there's plenty of room, they can stay here." He didn't quite know what he'd say to the boys but didn't want them wandering around the city looking for lodging.

"I'll get them the information. Brother, are you getting some treatment? Is there something I can do?" Alphonse and Mei's expertise was alkahestry not psychology, but if his brother needed him to heal his mind, he'd sure and Hell find a way.

"I think I found someone who knows a fuck or two about my problems, Al. Remember old Dr. Knox?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm seeing the old guy's son..."