A/N 12 JUN 10 – Thanks to each of you that has read my latest therapeutic MD story, and heartfelt appreciation to each of you that comment. It's very complimentary to get message/story alerts…if you think it's worth clicking those buttons, won't you consider clicking on review this chapter & send me a word or two of your thoughts? They really go such a long way in wanting to write the next update.
I've absolutely no medical knowledge, in spite of Dad's two open heart surgeries and several angioplasties; perhaps, I've blocked them. These websites were helpful in trying not to sound so ignorant. (Circ ahajournals org/cgi/content/full92/9/20 with periods where there are spaces) (My Clevelandclinic org/heart/disorders/recovery )
Obliterated Hopes – Chapter 4
Cristina embraced her friend. No additional words were spoken; none were needed as Meredith gave in to the overwhelming sense of loss and sadness, and her heartbreaking sobs ended almost as unexpectedly as they had begun, and then she pulled slightly away from Cristina.
"Thank you," Meredith held her friend's gaze, as Cristina took a deep breath in response; the only acknowledgment needed between them.
Cristina walked back with Meredith to the ICU, painful reminders ever present as Meredith had to stop in the ladies room along the way, and then she watched her friend lean over her husband, kiss him softly on the forehead, brush his hair back away from his face, not that it was necessary, but simply a gentle loving caress.
"Dr. Hunt," Meredith said, and almost immediately became less formal. "Owen, did he wake? Has he shown any indication he's in pain? Have they been in to check on him?"
"Every fifteen minutes," he replied, "they're hoping to get him off the ventilator in a few hours."
"They're fast tracking him…" Meredith said very quietly, deadly anger in her voice. "I won't allow it…they are not going to treat him as they do other patients…just trying to get them the hell out of here to reduce the cost of medical care. I do not want to take any chances and do not want to risk having to place him back on it…"
"Meredith," Owen said, "I assure you…it is not fast tracking…and they will obviously focus on the critical pathways. But, nothing will be done before he's ready…and you will be consulted in advance."
"He's been through enough…" Meredith challenged. "He will have the time he needs."
"You know," Owen told her, "the sooner he's off the better…just as you know the sooner he's out of here and recuperating at home the better that is as well."
"He got hurt because he did his job…at this hospital…and maybe…" she choked up, "if he'd been allowed to apologize…like we wanted to…like it's in his nature to…instead of having to worry about legalities and liabilities…maybe…everything would have been different," she told him. "I will not accept anything but the most thorough care for him."
"Mer," Cristina said, equally quiet. "I promised you I'd do my best work…I did…I promise you I will not let anything jeopardize or short change his care. Let us do our job, but you need to get some rest tonight."
"I'm fine."
"We both know you're not," Cristina was adamant.
"I'm not leaving him."
"He's going to be sleeping most of the night. Please, go lay down."
"Cristina…please…I need to be here…I almost lot him," she whispered, "too."
"Will you be ok," Cristina looked at Owen, "if Owen stays with you? I need to take care of some things," she asked, and Meredith nodded her consent, and after kissing Derek one last time, took a seat by his bedside, forced by her physical discomfort.
"Thank you," Cristina addressed the four people in front of her, "for waiting here…I know it's been a difficult day, and most of you want to be home with your families."
"Dr. Yang," Bokey, the sole nurse present during Derek's surgery spoke up. "How is Dr. Shepherd?"
"His recovery is coming along well…he was able to indicate he wanted to see Meredith…he's asleep again."
"When do they plan to take him off the ventilator?" The anesthesiologist asked.
"By the end of the night," Cristina said.
"That's good," the man said, "he's lucky our only scare was at the end; the rest of your work was flawless."
"How is Dr. Grey?" Bokey asked.
"She's going to be fine." Cristina said. "But…I need to ask a favor. Not for me, I probably haven't done anything in the years I've been to deserve it. It's for Meredith and Derek."
"Yang," Avery asked, "what's going on?"
"Today," Cristina said, "was very traumatic. But, for Meredith…" she paused, "it was horrific."
"Dr. Yang," the anesthesiologist said. "You had a gun pointed at your head…and you continued with a clear and level headed resolve that few surgeons have. You experienced a pretty horrific day yourself."
"There wasn't any option," Cristina stated. "But for him to survive."
"You acted instinctively," the anesthesiologist continued, "and it was a calculated risk, but excellent thinking, telling that monster that she was pregnant."
"He's right Yang," Avery said, "it was a brilliant move."
. "I didn't lie." Cristina told them.
"She's pregnant," Bokey said with a look of concern, "and went through all that today…is she ok? It was indeed very traumatic, watching her break down was heartbreaking."
"She is not ok," Cristina said, "it's the reason I asked to speak with you," she said, and explained that Meredith had only found that morning that she was pregnant and was waiting to get home that evening to tell her husband; instead he'd been gunned down w while she had suffered a miscarriage, and he lay in the intensive care unit and did not want to upset him further at this time.
April had remained quiet as did Jackson, both having witnessed the extraordinary actions by Meredith Grey; literally willing to forfeit her life for the people she loved. Bokey's expression was filled with sadness as she heard April's account at Cristina's urging. The four that had been witness to her agony when she believed her husband was dead and now knew of the loss of their child.
"Thank you," Cristina said. "Meredith is trying to cope, but I don't think she can handle everyone knowing, especially when Derek doesn't."
"Dr. Yang," the anesthesiologist cleared his throat. "I think I speak for all of us, that this will not be discussed. You and Dr. Avery make a good team. Both of you, outsmarted that lunatic, and your surgical skills saved Dr. Shepherd."
"Death," Cristina said, "staring you in the face has a way of making you brave."
Owen kept watch over Derek and Meredith; when he noticed her flinch in pain, walked over to her and bent his knees to a crouching position to be eye level with her. He touched her arm lightly, "Meredith, it's going to be a few hours before he wakes. You should go lay down."
"I'm ok," she told him. "I'm ok," she repeated, and he saw the same depth of sadness he'd witnessed as she tried to remain composed and uttered that she was having a miscarriage.
"Meredith," Owen said quietly, they all had been speaking in whispers, needing to ensure Derek could not overhear their conversations, in the off chance he would wake. "You're not ok. You're not expected to be…and today…" he shook his head. "I'm so sorry…so very sorry for your loss."
Meredith locked gazes with him, accepting his sincerity. "Thank you."
"I think," he insisted, "Derek would want to make sure you get some rest."
"I'm ok here."
The silence between them seemed to last for ages, until he spoke again. "I didn't understand before," he told her, "what you meant…about being a team…you and Cristina…I get it now…you're both lucky, blessed to have each other."
"She's my best friend, my sister…" Meredith's eyes watered.
"As you are to her," he said. "I know you don't have a lot of respect for me, and you're right in judging me because I've been dishonorable. I don't expect you to change your mind, but I want you to know that I'm also sorry for the way I treated you. I was unprofessional keeping you out of my OR. You and Derek are also a team, and husbands and wives share their lives…I get that now too…he was not betraying my confidence; he was sharing his day with his wife."
"I never told her…but I had to warn her, she has been hurt before. Burke betrayed her feelings, the trust she placed in him…and with you…she's been open, so much more so than ever before…I had to protect her before she got hurt again, and you did."
"Yes," Owen said, "I did, and I have a lot to own up to…I don't expect she'll forget all of that and be ready or willing to…"
"She loves you." Meredith interrupted him. "If you love her, if you meant what you said in the OR that she's the woman you love, don't waste time. Look at today, all of us could have been dead, don't take anything for granted," she said, and he saw her close her eyes and involuntarily a quiet gasp indicated her discomfort.
"I'm going to prove to her that I love her."
"Make sure you do," Meredith met his gaze, and words were unnecessary for him to fully understand the message, or you will deal with me.
"Meredith," he said, and without giving her a chance to refuse helped her get up, "please…go lay down, take a pain killer. Cristina told me Dr. Cameron prescribed something," he stated, acknowledging as well that in spite of all that had happened between them; Cristina's ending things earlier, they too shared their lives, that trust remained, ever strong as they faced death in the face on this horrific day. "I will make sure to find you if he wakes, and before they attempt to extubate him."
She'd been feeling the constant cramping, and had to agree with him. She braced herself for what undoubtedly would continue, if she was lucky, for just a couple more days, as she was apparently not going to be spared the painful and excruciatingly slow process of nature taking its time to expel the remaining fetal tissue.
"You're right," she sounded so defeated, "I'm not ok."
"You will be," he told her, "I have no doubts about that."
"I hope so."
"Meredith," he continued, "I think, Cristina is damn lucky to have you on her team. So was I today. Thank you."
"She saved my husband's life," Meredith told him. "She said you were her guy…there was only one option."
The midnight hour approached, signaling almost seven hours after he'd been moved to the intensive care unit, hours after Meredith had seen Dr. Cameron and subsequent breakdown. Within the hour of Cameron's departure she'd returned to the ICU, and while at Cristina's insistence she had laid back in the standard hospital recliner; Owen's had made her realize she needed to get as much rest as she could, while Derek lay sleeping, because once he became awake and alert, she wouldn't be able to keep the truth from him.
Meredith had fallen into a light sleep, when she became aware of her own whimpers and forced herself awake, noticing as tears slid down her face, the nightmare making it difficult to breathe, and she closed her eyes, willing the disturbing images and message to be erased from her mind. The witching hour; the thought came to her mind as she glanced at her watch; surely, she took a deep breath, the whole damn day had been one that could fit the superstitious and dark thoughts associated with that term.
Unable to stay away from Derek's side any longer; sleep not an option as each time she closed her eyes she experienced the same painful doubts and fears brought to life in her nightmare; she took some time to compose herself and left the on call room towards the beginning of a journey, painfully unexpected, that she prayed would not in any way resemble the heartbreaking sadness of her recent nightmare.
A/ N -This chapter is setting up, in small ways, how others are affected and react to Meredith's miscarriage; that's what the story is about, and eventually about hopes(obliterated by Rhimes' path) being reborn. Yes, the nightmare is very significant in the relationship between them.