I was frozen as I watched Edward change from the sweet, but morose, good looking boy into a snarling maniac who looked like he wanted to skin Bella alive and make a necklace with her vertebrae.
Edward began to inch forward towards Bella; when all of the sudden I felt a breeze hit my check and I thought I'd detected a blur of movement go through the room.
Edward roared at the incredibly tall hulk of a guy, who out of the blue, was standing in between him and Bella with a great big smile on his face.
When all of this drama was over, and after a suddenly dire trip to the bathroom, I was going to take down the sign outside my dorm room door that said Good Looking Tall Guys Please Come In. Why else was my room being invaded by the opposite sex so often these days?
"Dude," the great big hulk said to Edward. "I guess congrats are in order."
Edward hissed in response and tried to dart around the hulk. At least, that is what I thought he'd tried to do but honestly he and the hulk were moving so quickly that I couldn't keep track. It was like that an annoying flicker that was always just out of my line of sight. I finally understand what lightening fast means.
Crack.
Suddenly, Bella's dresser splintered with a large crack and a hug hole appeared in the plaster right above it.
Holy shit. Run. Get Bella and run.
I ran over to where Bella stood, gaping. I guess that whole mind reading discussion with Edward had prepped me for the Buffy the Vampire Slayer weirdness unfolding before my eyes. Poor Bella seemed to be frozen as she tried to process what was going on.
Suddenly the mirror above the sink shattered and that helped me move Bella towards the door. We were almost there when I glanced back at Jasper. I was actually worried that the smiling doofus would get hurt. I felt my feet slow down and I started struggling to put one foot in front of the other.
Bella turned and looked at me in confusion, questioning why I was stopping when World War III was erupting around us, threatening to consume us.
"Alice, move!" she commanded.
"Bella, I can't leave without Jasper," I gasped.
Bella gaped at me.
"Not to worry, little ladies," a deep voice called from behind us. We both turned to see the hulk holding Edward around the middle. Edward squirmed, punched, kicked ineffectively at the hulk but all his strikes seemed to just bounce off the hulk.
"Who is she?" the hulk asked, nodding his head towards Bella.
"Who am I? Who the heck are you? What is happening here?" cried Bella. Edward, who'd actually calmed down a great bit now that he was in the hulk's not so loving embrace, was shooting a death glare at Bella.
She, in turn, was blushing like crazy in response. The force of Edward's animosity towards Bella must have been playing tricks on my subconscious; because I swear his eyes were a deep black when earlier they'd been an amber type color. But he was squinting them, so I am sure it was just my mind playing tricks on me or a trick of the light. Or maybe he's just the devil come to wreck havoc on us all. This was all really un-fucking believable.
"He's Emmett McCartney," I answered Bella's question. Fucking un-believable.
"You know who I am?" asked the hulk with a huge grin, obviously proud to be recognized.
Bella shot me a questioning glance. I moved towards her and placed an arm around her waist. She was still really bright red and all that blood in her cheeks probably meant there was very little blood visiting her brain…
"Emmett McCartney is the great quarterback for our illustrious college football team. He'll probably be one of the top draft picks next season. Go Vikings," I informed Bella. "He's also president of Sigma Ka and dating the one and only Rosalie Hale."
"Ah, the queen bitch," Bella murmured softly to me, recognizing the name of the bane of my existence and archenemy.
The hulk burst out laughing. "That's awesome. I can't wait to tell Rosalie what you call her."
Bella groaned, obviously mortified that she'd been caught dissing the hulk's girlfriend.
"What is going on with Edward?" I asked the hulk.
"Edward," whispered Bella. She was staring at the now only delicately snarling freak with fascination.
"Uh…" the hulk replied, "I can't tell you." I shot him my own look of death. See, I told you Edward and I had a lot in common.
"What?" the hulk asked as innocently as he could while still holding another man prisoner in his arms. "I can't… it's just not my secret to tell."
"Well who's going to tell me?" I yelled. I pointed at Stalker Boy #1. "This boy is in a coma!" I pointed at Stalker Boy #2. "And this boy's foaming at the mouth."
"I think we could get Edward… coherent if we could get her out of here," the hulk said, shrugging his head in Bella's direction.
"Why?" I challenged. "This is her room and…"
"Alice," Bella interrupted.
I reared my around and turned my death gaze on her. She flinched. Normally I don't use "the look" on anyone but the seriously guilty, but right now I couldn't turn it off. Suck it.
"Alice," Bella repeated. "Obviously, your friends are having some emotional issues. I think it would be better if I left here and stopped being an audience to this and just respect their privacy. I'm just antagonizing the situation with my presence."
Bella headed towards the door.
"Don't you dare leave me," I shouted, pointing my finger at her and looking her straight in the eye. "Don't. You. Dare."
The Bitch actually ducked her head and said, "I'll be at Angela's" and then ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
"Well, how do you like dem apples?" the turd, formally known as the hulk in my mind, said with a chuckle.
"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
The comatose body of Stalker #1 started to twitch at my wailing and I immediately shut up.
Yeah, I know. I know.
"So do you have anything to tie Eddie up with?" the turd asked.
"It's Edward," spit out Stalker #2, standing straight up within the turd's grasp. Thankfully the crazed look was gone from his face and he looked normal.
I went to the lingerie drawer of the dresser Bella and I shared and pulled out the goods.
"Industrial strength panty hose," I said, waiving the bundle silky under things are in the air.
Both guys gaped at me. Obviously they missed how strong these babies were, able to mold, lift, stretch and separate a woman's thighs on command.
"We're tying him up until I get some answers!" I demanded.
"Ok," the hulk said agreeably. He pulled Edward to my desk chair and sat him down.
Since he seemed to be the only person on my side, I was retiring "the turd" and reverting back to "the hulk" in my internal dialogue.
"Hey!" yelped Edward as he was smashed down on the wheelie chair.
"Dude," the hulk replied. Then he looked Edward in the eyes and his face must have conveyed a message I just didn't get because Edward sighed and hung his head in defeat.
One hand pinning Edward to the chair, Emmett beckoned for the panty hose.
I handed him the tangled bundle and walked over to my closet.
I swung it open and pulled out the outfit I'd previously designated for today. I think everyone should plan their outfits for the week. I also tried to plan Bella's outfits, but she sometimes had trouble taking helpful suggestions.
Clothing in hand, I turned back to the guys. Already, the hulk had tied one of the panty hoses around Edward's chest and arms. Edward head was down to his chest and he was swaying back in forth, struggling to get his face closer to the lingerie encircling his upper chest. I heard the huffling noise again.
"Ohmigod! Is he trying to sniff Bella's pantyhose?" I shouted. "Ewwww!!!"
"Those belong to that girl who was just here?" asked the hulk.
When I nodded, too disgusted to form words, he just about busted a gut laughing.
"Bella," Edward said with a dreamy look. God, had I just introduced Bella to her very own loony toons stalker guy?
Good, bitch deserved it! Traitor.
The hulk grabbed anther pair of pantyhose and pulled it over Edward's head, making him look like a bank robber with long, floppy bunny ears. Edward took a deep breath and smiled.
I could feel myself about to start screaming hysterically again. I needed to get out of there, if only for a bit.
"Hey, day glo green mole guy with the tentacles and big teeth," I shouted at the hulk. "When I get back from putting on my clothes, you're gonna tell me exactly how you fixed my window!"
With that I marched out the door.
"Busted," someone said from behind. I couldn't tell if it was from the hulk or Edward but I kept on marching, slamming the door behind me with a satisfying thud.
Time to regroup.