Hello! my beautiful old and new readers! Thank you soooo much to everybody who reviewed! You have no idea how that makes my day! I'm so glad everybody is liking the story so much so far! I know they are mixed feeling about edward's pain but... he did something really bad after all... but don't worry, have a little faith in me?
I hope you had a wonderful New Year's Eve! and I wish you a happy !
Now, let's get down to business!
I don't own anything, characters belong to SM, I'm just making their life a little harder ;)
Chapter 4. Broken
"Broken" – Lifehouse
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
My alarm rings. It's time to wake up.
I don't want to.
But I promised I would try.
I get up, have my morning piss, take a shower and shave. I walk to my walk-in closet next to my bathroom, avoid her side and put on some black pants and a white shirt.
I head out of the house, get in my car and drive to the clinic.
So far so good.
I make a quick stop at Tim Horton's before getting to the clinic for a coffee.
"Same as always?" asks the lady behind the cashier and I think about it.
"Actually, could you add an Apple Danish please?" I said, changing it a little bit. I haven't had breakfast in four years and four days so I might as well get over that too.
Baby steps.
"Of course sir."
I nod.
I walk into the clinic, swallowing the last bit of my Apple Danish and take a look at my schedule on Heidi's desk. It's Saturday so I only work half day and I only have three appointments, the first one is at ten.
Once in my office I prepare for the day, I put my white coat on and wash my hands, then power up my computer to check on my e-mail. When the computer is on I type my password and log into my user's account.
I stare at my desktop's wallpaper for god only knows how long.
It's a picture of us, we are on the beach… we are sitting on the sand, she is between my legs and her back on my chest. It was taken a few weeks before that fateful day.
My heart beat starts to accelerate, I close my eyes and try to breath. Willing the memories to the back of my mind.
C'mon Cullen, you promised you would try.
After a few deep breaths, I open the browser and log into my e-mail account. I erase a few e-mails about non-sense. I'm not in a good mood.
No, I don't want to join fucking tumblr.
I don't know what the heck flickr is.
I don't care about a fucking sales discount at GAP.
I came across to an invitation to a doctors' convention in Ottawa, something about a new virus. They want me to confirm my attendance, the convention was on Tuesday. I'll think about it, usually it was just to promote a new medication and I already knew about the virus, I could handle it. It wasn't even dangerous so I don't really have to go.
Heidi comes in and tells me Emily is here with Seth without an appointment, asking If could see her. I tell her to let her in.
Seth caught her sister's cold I examine him and give Emily a new prescription for him. When they are gone my ten o'clock arrives and I go on with my day. When I am done with my last patient, Heidi tells me they called from the doctors' convention asking for my attendance, I tell her I'll let her know on Monday so she can rearrange my schedule and postpone Tuesday and probably Wednesday's appointments.
Why are they so pushy? And in so short notice?
Mine and dad's name was pretty well known among the health society, so they were always inviting us to all this kind of events, my dad was considered one of the best oncologists in Canada, but he focused only in children. I got my surgeons license a few months ago, I went back to study after the hospital incident, mostly to take my mind off of things, but also to expand my knowledge. Thanks to my brains and my lack of social life I got my license earlier.
Dad was an OB/GYN and an oncologist with a specialty on children, I was a pediatrician and now a surgeon so we made a perfect team. St. Andrew's clinic was pretty well known across Canada, we had patients coming from all over the country. We loved children and we loved what we do, well… at least I used to.
After taking off my coat and hanging it on the back of my door's office, I take my car keys and leave the clinic. Once in the car I put the key on the ignition but I don't turn it on. I take a deep breath and start to think, I need a distraction, if I become moody and brooding again -like I have been doing the last couple of days- I won't make it to brunch tomorrow. Then and idea came to mind.
I grab my phone and call Emmet, he answers within the first ring.
"Who are you and what have you done to my brother?" he answers teasingly, but I can tell there is tension in his voice. I couldn't blame him, I never call anyone, he must think something is wrong.
"Hey Em…" I say in a monotone voice.
"Hey little bro, to what I owe the honor of your call?" He said, still wary but trying to sound cheerful.
"Hardy-har…" I mumble "Hey listen… I was just… I was calling to see if… to see if you wanna go for a run… later?"
There was silence for a minute.
"Ok-ay?" he said unsure "Ok, I'm up for that…" he said more confidently "you know I'm happy that you called Edward, but… don't take this the wrong way man… but are you sure you are Ok?"
"Yes Emmet, I'm Ok... I just thought I could use some fresh air, I need… I need to clear my head a little bit."
"Ok… Wow… Edward Cullen, taking off his drama queen outfit, about time!"
"Too soon for jokes Em."
"Sorry dude can't help it."
I didn't say anything.
"Soo… High Park? Five o'clock?" He asks.
"Sure, see you there… Thanks Em, bye."
"Bye Eddie."
There, I'm going to do something different for today, instead of spending it like any other Saturday –after her of course- self loathing me, sour and broody I'm taking a run with Emmet, another step.
I ended the call and headed back to my place. It was a little after two so I made myself something light for lunch, I didn't want to have dinner too late, I always went to bed early. I took my sandwich, grabbed a coke and sat on the breakfast table in the middle of my kitchen.
The house was quiet… too quiet, I could only hear the noise of my own chewing and the buzz of the fridge. I looked at the clock on the microwave, 2:39 p.m. I scanned the rest of the kitchen having an eerie feeling but I quickly recognize it.
Loneliness.
I haven't felt this alone in a while, wonder why? Nothing has changed, maybe because of my conversation with Alice the day before. She made me realize a lot of things, she made me think of Andrew in another way, not just as my beloved twin that I lost, but as in a person whose life was taken from him and didn't have the chance to live it, and she said I wasn't living, I had been given that chance and I was throwing it away.
She hadn't been the first one to tell me that, it seemed that everyone was telling me that lately and I get what they are saying, that moving on wouldn't mean I'm over her, but that I'm just continuing with my path. As if losing my co-pilot but continuing with the journey. But again, they don't understand, I don't think they really get it. It doesn't help things that I don't open up to any of them either. Yeah, yesterday I talked about that day for the first time with my sister, but I only retold her what she already knew, the only difference was that it was from my perspective, I didn't actually told her about my feelings about all this situation and explained my behavior. How can they expect me to continue with my life? Do they really understand what I did? I'm lost, don't they see? Life is just meaningless without her. There is no point, no direction, nothing. Just a vast universe full off stars and distractions, but my sun, my warmth, the beauty, is gone.
She left.
And it was my fault.
I rubbed at my chest in vain, trying to ease the constant burning there where my heart used to beat.
Tomorrow would be hard at brunch, I could already tell how that was going to go. Mom would be all over me, offering me all kinds of things to eat, asking me if I was uncomfortable or if I needed anything, Emmet would be making loud noises annoying me to death, Dad would be watching me closely for any signs of craziness, Alice would be talking to me non-stop about non-sense and Jasper would be giving me his pity slash apologetic look. I should have called him today instead of Emmet by the way. He at least would know when to shut up, and Rose, well… she'll be Rose, period.
When I'm done with my sandwich, I wash my dish, throw the empty can into the garbage and head upstairs. When I'm about to open the door to my room I stare at the last door on the hallway.
Since she moved in I haven't been in that room. She wouldn't allow me, that was where the "Bella's Gallery" was. It used to be a studio but I moved my desk and stuff to my music room so she could have her own space too. She promised me she would show me one day if I was good enough, when she thought I deserved it she joked. I didn't complain too much, after all it was her diary. I understood it so I didn't push the matter too often but the curiosity was always there. I remember the day she officially moved in, how she came back and forth with wrapped canvases. There were a lot, tons.
I shook my head I didn't deserve to go into that room. It was her sanctuary and every chance I had to ever see her soul, in bright colors before my eyes vanished that day. I didn't dare to go there and wouldn't let anyone else go there either, not even the cleaning maid. The first time she came after she left, I gave her specific instructions not to go into that room and never ever to move her stuff, not even her sweater which was still on the floor on our closet next her favorite sneakers. She got the point when I yelled at her once, when she moved her make-up stuff from her vanity table to clean the dust.
I always wonder why she never came back for her stuff, or send someone for them, is not like I wouldn't give them back to her, it would hurt like fuck, it would give a finality to the situation but I would do it. Another thing that gets me is to know that I hurt her so much that she didn't even come back for her things. She left me and everything that was hers behind. How much pain did I inflict in her that she had the need to leave everything behind? Her paintings, clothes, personal stuff? All that was hers?
I guess she just didn't want anything that reminded her of me. I couldn't argue with her.
That realization brought another wave of pain.
Where are you?
Are you happy?
Sometimes I wonder if she still thinks of me, probably not. I bet she met someone else and that thought kills me every time. But I can't complain, she deserves to be happy. I hope she found that man she talked about that day, I hope I didn't shatter her dreams completely and she trusted again. She deserves anything she wanted. I know it will hurt to know she found someone, but it would hurt way more that she didn't. That I killed her hopes, that I truly took her faith away, that she was alone.
Like me.
Because apart from the pain that I feel and that I'll carry for the rest of my life, I'll always love her, no matter what, and because of that I wish her the best.
I hope she healed.
I sighed and went into my room, took my shirt and pants off and laid on my bed wearing only my boxers. I stared at the ceiling for a while and then checked my watch.
2:58 p.m.
I still had a lot of time before I had to go to Emmet.
"Baby…" I called after her.
She ignored me and continued her way upstairs.
But of course, I followed her like a lost puppy.
"Bella, c'mon talk to me honey."
"Don't honey me." She spat as she entered our room.
She had been this cranky the last couple of weeks, the wedding was next week so she was nervous and stressed about everything, I had told her time after time that she didn't have to worry, that everything was perfect and that Alice would handle anything if something went wrong. But still she couldn't be at ease.
"Pretty girl, are you mad at me?"
She didn't say anything, which meant "yes".
"Bella what did I do?" I pleaded, I hated when she was mad at me.
She continued to ignore me and closed herself in the bathroom. I let out an exasperated sigh and threw myself on the bed staring at the ceiling. A minute later she came out of the bathroom wearing only her underwear and locked herself on the walk-in closet.
Fuck, she was killing me.
We have been out for dinner, so she had worn this beautiful, sexy little black dress that let nothing to imagination, and now that she had taken it off, she was wearing what had to be the sexiest black lingerie ever and by the look of things I won't be able to play with it tonight.
Shit, what did I do to deserve this torture?
Everything had been fine at first during dinner, but when I was about to pay her mood changed.
Then it hit me.
I stood up and walked to the walk-in closet. I leaned my head against the door.
"Pretty girl, are you mad at me about that waitress?"
No answer, that meant "yes".
Fuck.
"Bella… honey… are you jealous?" I asked tentatively.
The door flung open, and I had to grab the threshold to steady myself.
She glared at me, her hands on her hips, one eyebrow arched.
Fuck, this wasn't good.
And to make things worse… I had a frigging boner.
She was so sexy when she was mad, add to that a black corset with black lace and black laced panties and I was done. She lowered her gaze and saw my dilemma, rolled her eyes and walked past me. I turned around and followed her.
Fuck, she had a great ass.
But I already knew that, and she did too. That's why she was giving her back to me. Dirty player.
"Honey, you know there is nothing to worry about, right?"
Nothing. I tried again.
"Bella, you trust me right? Besides you saw me returning her phone number."
She whirled around and pointed a finger at me.
"So, let me get this right, it is Ok for you to punch guys in their faces when they are staring at me at a bar, but it is not Ok for me to be mad about a skank giving my fiancé her phone number. Right?" she fumed.
"That only happened once, and he wasn't just staring. God! I thought you were going to be delivering babies at any second there with all that eye-fucking he was giving you!" I said getting angry at the memory. That fucker had it coming.
She scoffed.
"Be serious, please."
"I am being serious! I can't believe you are mad at me for something like that! It's stupid I'll be yours officially in a week, baby you have nothing to worry about."
Then she covered her face with both of her hands.
Shit. Now I made her cry.
"Bella? Sweetie, are you Ok?... I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you like that…" she cried harder, I felt like an ass "Bella? I'm sorry… Come here baby." I wrapped my arms around her and she buried her face into my chest.
"No, I'm sorry… I know it's stupid… I just…" she sobbed.
"Shh… It's ok honey, I understand." I kissed the top of her head trying to sooth her.
"I'm sorry, it's just… it's just with the wedding and everything… I'm a wreck of nerves."
"It's Ok. I love you."
"I love you too."
We kept quiet for a while, just holding each other. When I thought the waters were fine again I finally spoke.
"Soo… about this outfit, I haven't seen it before, is it new?"
She grabbed my face and kissed me harshly.
Let's just say that I loved make up sex.
Emmet was waiting for me in what used to be our usual spot.
"Hey!" He greeted me.
I nodded.
"Soo… ten minutes of jogging for warm up and then we go for an hour?"
"Sure." I answered
"Great… soo ready to get your ass kicked?" he wriggled his eyebrows with a huge fucking smile on his face, I rolled my eyes at him, put on my earplugs and with AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" on the background we took off.
After an hour and a half Emmet and I we back where we started.
"You are in better condition than I thought." He nudged me.
"I still work out three times a week after work." I answered.
"Yeah, but I still won." He said proudly and I just ignored him. "So, do you wanna go for a juice or something?"
I thought for a minute.
What the hell, I was already out.
"Sure."
We stopped at a smoothies and juices kind of place and ordered ourselves something to drink. Then we sat at one of the booths on the other side of the shop.
"Earth to Eddie…" Emmet called.
"Sorry, I was thinking." Or numb would be more appropriate.
"And may I ask what were you thinking about in that big brain of yours Eddieboo?"
"About next week's convention in Ottawa" I lied.
"What about it?" He said before taking a zip from his smoothie.
"I don't want to go, but they have been calling and calling…"
"Dad mention it last week at brunch, I don't think he wants to go either."
I nodded.
After a minute I decide to do a real effort.
"So, how are thing between you and Rose?"
"Things are great." He said, but I could tell something bothered him.
"What is it?"
"I hate it when you read minds like that." He snorted.
I shrugged.
"Is just that… ehmm… she wants, she wants us to take a fertility test."
"And... ?"
"I'm worried… what if there is something wrong down there? Plus, I don't want dad or you to examine my swimmers. That's just wrong."
I huffed.
"Well, thankfully is not my job to examine yours or anybody's swimmers. That would be dad's job."
"Even worse." He muttered.
"How so?"
"Well, it's dad. We would be talking about our sex life with him." He shuddered again.
"Emmet, grow a pair."
"Look who's talkin'." He scoffed "When was last time?"
"Huh?"
"You know what I mean."
"I've been busy."
"No, you've been whining." He insisted annoying the hell out of me. It wasn't her business when was the last time I had sex or not.
"Stop."
…
…
"Sorry… too far?" He asked sheepishly.
I didn't say anything, the atmosphere turning tense.
"Sorry." He whispered. He was eyeing me warily, like unsure about something. "I don't like you to be so alone." He said by a way of explanation.
After a moment I shook my head.
"No, I'm sorry… it's just… yesterday… I had a talk with Alice, Angela came to the clinic."
There was silence for a few seconds.
"Angela? Angela?"
"Yes Emmet, what other Angela is out there?" I said a little harshly.
"What did she want?" He asked a little nervous "I talked to Alice before coming here, she didn't say anything."
I rolled my eyes, why would she tell him?
"She and Ben had a baby a couple months ago. She wanted to start a medical file with me." I said looking at some piece of fruit on my glass while moving it with my straw.
"How was it?"
"Well, obviously I was surprised I haven't seen her in years." I left out the part when we talked about her but Emmet being Emmet had to ask.
"Did you ask about her?" He asked tentatively.
…
…
"I didn't need to. She could read the question on my face, she just told me she sent her an email a few months after… after that day… that was the last she heard from her."
"Really?" He seemed surprised. Weird. "I thought they were good friends?" He said after a second.
…
…
"So that's why Alice was looking for you yesterday?"
I nodded, looking down.
"She was afraid I would pull out another stunt, like the one a few years ago." I said still looking down.
He was quiet.
"Thank you." I whispered looking back at him, he looked at me quizzically.
"I never thanked you about that, the CPR? You saved me."
"No problem dude." He nudgeed my shoulder with his fist. "Just don't scare us like that again Ok?"
I nodded.
…
…
"Edward, can I ask you a question?" I nodded.
"I know you said you just had a bad day, but… I wonder… what triggered it?" He asked.
…
…
"Her perfume."
I still remembered it like yesterday, it was Saturday, I had just arrived from the clinic and I was in a bad mood so instead of making myself something for lunch I headed upstairs to take a hot shower. To relax a little bit you know? While I was in the bathroom taking my clothes off I accidentally pushed her perfume bottle from her side of the countertop and it fell to the floor, breaking when it landed. Her scent assaulted me, it had been almost two years since she left so the house hadn't smell like her for a while. When I smelled her perfume, a bunch of memories swirled through my brain, the pain came back full force and I couldn't stand it. It was too much to handle.
So instead of taking the shower, I headed downstairs for a drink, I wanted to be unconscious for a while, until the rough part of the pain passed at least. But one drink led to another, and before I knew it I was throwing my guts out.
I was on my living room, giving me myself a pep talk while I waited for Jasper and Alice to arrive. Yesterday with Emmet had been hard enough, I could only imagine how hard was gonna be today. The chirping of my phone alerted me of a text message.
We are outside! –A
I took deep breath to give me some courage and clear my head.
Okay, let's get done with this.
I walked outside my house and saw Alice's yellow Porsche parked behind my Volvo. After locking the house I headed to the car and got into the seat at the back. Alice was already talking before I even got my seatbelt on.
"Hey! Did you sleep well? Emmet called, he told me you too went for a run yesterday?" she asked brightly. Jesus, my family could give Perez fucking Hilton a run of his money. What was up with all the gossip? Yeah I went for a run with my brother. Big deal. To me it felt like it but I wasn't stupid, I know it wasn't… I was the one being a baby about all this.
"Just drive before I change my mind." I ignored her questions.
Jasper turned in his seat to give an apologetic smile.
"Hello, you Ok?"
I rolled my eyes, damn it. I hated the fact that they felt like they had to be like walking on eggshells around me all the time. But I knew it was my fault, god knows how many times I have given them reasons to be like this.
This was one of the things I hated the most, to show weakness in front of my family. At the beginning I didn't give a fucking damn, I wasn't even aware of my surroundings for most of the time. It was after the hospital incident that I started to take my family into consideration.
So today I'll try, I'll try not to brood a lot, I'll smile when I had to and I'll listen to the conversations around me. I'm not saying I'll start to live today, but I'll behave normal for them, at least for a couple of hours. We'll get to the live part later.
As soon as I buckled my belt, Jasper took off. It was then that I realized Alice wasn't driving her car.
"Why aren't you driving your car?" Her mood suddenly changed and she glared at Jasper.
Hormones.
"Because Mr. Overly-protective here won't let me." She threw daggers at Jasper. He put one hand on her thigh, soothing her.
"Sweetie, don't be mad at me. You know why."
"What happened?" I asked and they answered in unison.
"Nothing happened."
"She hit a lamp post."
My eyes went wide with worry.
"Alice?"
"I said I was sorry! I swear it came out of nowhere!" She cried with pleading eyes.
"How can a lamp post came out of nowhere? Alice you are pregnant, you have to be careful." I said rather angrily.
"I said I was sorry!"
"She fell asleep." Jasper said and I could hear the worry and frustration in his voice.
"You fell asleep?" I asked surprised with wide eyes, I hadn't heard of that one before. I knew tiredness was part of pregnancy but I had never heard of it being so strong to make a woman fall asleep while driving.
"Fucking symptoms." She muttered, and then started sobbing.
I groaned and started pulling at my hair. Not what I needed, I was getting a headache now and Jasper started to talk non-sense to her to sooth her.
"Shh… sweetie it's Ok… nothing happened, I just don't want you to drive alone anymore Ok? I'm here for you… I love you… please, stop crying… do you want me to get you some cupcakes... ? Before we get to your parents'?" He asked hopefully.
"Pink Velour and Coconut Cream Dream" She whimpered.
After a quick stop at Cutie Pie & Co, Alice's mood changed drastically and she talked the rest of the drive happily about frosting and shit with 12 freaking mini cupcakes on a box on her lap. I was left with my mouth wide open when I realized that by the time Jazz parked the car in front of my parent's house there weren't any left. Worst part, she didn't even share.
We got out of the car and saw Emmet's jeep behind dad's Mercedes on the garage. We headed to the front door and got into the house. We followed the sound of voices and Emmet's laugh into the kitchen, everyone turned around and out of nowhere Alice yelled.
"Surprise!" and pointed at me, I rolled my eyes at her.
Fuck, I felt like a recovering drug addict who just came out of rehab and was visiting his family for the first time. Mom rushed at me giving me a big hug, followed by my incredulous dad.
Yes, it's me. I came to fucking brunch, get over it. I thought dryly.
"Edward! Oh my god!" Mom said after letting me go, she was beaming, she cleared her tears away with the tip of her fingers.
Ok, this was getting way out of hand.
"Hello Son." Dad patted my back. He wasn't an emotional person.
"Hey." I replied.
"Honey, you should have told me you were coming! I would have made chocolate chip pancakes for you. I think I have some flower somewhere… maybe I can still make the-"
"Mom, it's ok. I'm fine, don't worry about it." I said, but the mention of chocolate chip pancakes did make me regret not letting her know I was coming. They were my favorite and I hadn't had them in years.
"Well, next Sunday then." She said, I was about to say something about that, I didn't want to give her the impression that I'd start coming from now on but she interrupted me. "Ok, everybody move to the living room! Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes!"
Everybody followed mom's instructions and we moved ourselves to the living room next to the game room. My parent's house was huge so they had 2 living rooms, we preferred the one next to the game room, it was cozy and the women could be talking about everything they wanted while we were next to them in the game room. But not today, today we all took a seat in the living room. After a moment of silence, with everybody giving me side glances Rosalie was the first one to talk.
"So Alice, how's the pregnancy going?" she asked, smiling longingly.
Poor Rose, she wanted to be a mom so bad. When Emmet proposed she immediately started talking about babies. Emmet was scared shitless but he knew this about her, she was one of those crazy baby women, worse than Monica Geller, I swear. It was shocking actually, because given her personality you wouldn't think she was the mommy type. Rose was independent, strong, cold, basically a bitch… but she was also so fiercely protective of the ones she loved, and she had a strange way to show it. Like now, I bet she knew I was uncomfortable, expecting all the attention to come towards me, so she directed it to Alice instead.
Rose was never too close to her, but as she was a member of the family back then, she loved her too, and when I screwed up everything, of course she gave me a piece of her mind -and that would be putting it mildly- but along with Emmet and the rest -but Alice- she tried to help me. In her way, not hovering, giving me my space, not like the rest. She understood what I wanted or needed. I was grateful to her for that.
"It's great! I'm a little over 3 months, and dad says everything is perfect so far."
"Are you having any crazy cravings yet?" Rose asked with glimmer in her eyes.
"No, not yet." She said avoiding Jasper's eyes, he just snorted.
They continued talking about baby stuff, and I swear to god I was trying but I couldn't help myself. I went numb without noticing. It was Jasper who brought me out of it when he subtly nudged me with his elbow on the ribs. I sent him a grateful look. Even though they were still talking I could tell some of them noticed it, my dad being one of them, but they continued talking like nothing had happened.
Dad continued studying me through the rest of the conversation between my siblings and friends and during brunch. But I got more control of myself during the meal, making small comments now and then. Mom continued throwing food on my plate, always making sure I had enough, and offering me things as they kept coming from the kitchen by Mrs. Yorkie, the maid. I was about to explode, I wasn't used to breakfast anymore and was used to have light lunches.
Still, it was hard not to go numb… especially with so much joy and love around me. Every time I saw Jasper rub my sister's small belly or caught Emmet giving her wife a peck on her lips my insides would shred. I would always look away or stare at my plate. It was hard to see them so care free, enjoying life with their respective others. I wanted to go, but I didn't have my car with me, I guess this was what Alice meant to not letting me escape. I could always hail a cab, but I didn't want to make a scene or worry them.
"I DON'T DO THAT!" Alice screamed between fits of laugher, bringing me out of my… numbness.
"Yes, you do!" Rosalie argued back.
"No, I do NOT slap people's asses when I'm drunk!"
"Yeah honey, you do." Jasper said which Alice blushed.
"No, I don't it's disgusting and wrong" She said more firmly.
"New years?" Jasper said arching an eyebrow at her.
"My birthday party?" Rosalie continued.
"Last Thanksgiving dinner?" Emmet laughed.
Then Rose started laughing so freaking hard.
"Oh my god! Remember that time with the strippers? That was soo freakin hilarious." Rosalie said between breaths.
"What strippers?" Jasper turned to Rose.
"Strippers?" Alice questioned.
"Yeah! The ones at Bella's bachelorette party! Remember?" Rosalie said making me flinch, but the second she finished her sentence she realized what she had said. She bit her lip hard, and everyone fell silent. I could feel rather than see everyone giving me side glances and the tension in the room intensifying.
It wasn't the stripper's part, I had known about them. She had called me in the middle of the party worried about them, feeling guilty. I hadn't like it, but I swallowed my jealousy and told her it was ok, to not worry and to have fun. It was simply the mention of her name that put everyone on their guard. Barely two seconds passed before Alice recovered and talked again.
"Ok, ok… I do sometimes slap people's asses, but that doesn't mean I'm a horny drunk! That would be Emmet." She said challenging him crossing her arms in front of her chest, he just shrugged.
"Well… I'm definitely an ass man, that's for sure." He said matter-of-factly which earned him a slap on the back of his head from Rose.
"Do you have any shame? Your parents are here, Jesus…" Rose hissed.
"No he doesn't." Dad said with an amusing look.
The mention of her name brought memories to the front of my mind again. I scanned the room and again I saw joy, love, dreams, hopes… future in my family faces. I rubbed at my chest, I felt as if everything within me was shattering even more, and suddenly I couldn't breathe anymore. I saw the faces of my family and friends again, the light in their eyes, the future was there for them and it made me realize exactly what Alice meant, what everybody has been trying to tell all along. That because I wasn't living I wasn't making my future and that's when I knew exactly what I had lost thanks to my stupidity. I didn't just loose the love of my life, I didn't just ended her hopes and dreams as she had call it. I also ended mine, I already knew this, of course, but it wasn't until this moment that I was actually seeing what I had lost. I had lost my future, I didn't know what was going to become of me, and that scared me to death. I didn't know what I would be doing once my family started their own. Alice and Jasper were already doing it Emmet and Rosalie were trying to. I know I haven't spend a lot of time with my family the past years, but I still knew they were there for me, even if I didn't acknowledge it I felt them there with me. But, how long would that be? I remembered how I felt yesterday during lunch, I had never felt that alone in a while and now that loneliness was nothing compared to what I was feeling now.
I could see myself in twenty years, gray haired, old, alone, sitting on my breakfast table trying to get up by my own, probably with a cane. Since she left, I had only focused on the pain I felt and on the pain I inflicted on her, trying not to revive old memories which threatened to end me. I know I said I knew what this self exile would do to me eventually but I didn't comprehend the enormity of it until now. Until now that I saw my grey-haired dad stealing love glances at my mom, or Alice holding Jaspers hand above her growing belly. All their lives were continuing, and I was stuck here, in the middle of the road not knowing where to go, alone, and the worst part was that I couldn't do anything to change that. I was lost. I lost my traveling partner.
She left.
"Edward?"
I know they said they would help me, that they would always be there for me but I know how things can change in one fucking night. One day they would just stop trying, and I couldn't blame them.
"Edward, honey are you Ok?"
They would move on with their lives and I would end up alone. Forever. Alone in our house, full of our memories, full of her, I know I was pathetic for keeping her stuff but I couldn't let them go. Especially now that I knew how alone I would be, and I would need anything left of her to keep my strength to breathe at least.
I would be alone and in misery for the rest of my life.
"EDWARD!" I jumped in my seat, coming out of my musings only to meet my father's glare.
"Shit dad, you scared me!" Emmet complained but dad ignored him, we continued to glare at each other.
I knew what was coming next so I stood up abruptly and took a turn to leave then I heard my father's chair scrapping while he stood up too.
"Edward! You are not leaving I'm still talking to you!"
"Try me." I muttered.
I was passing the living room and about to reach the foyer when I heard a lot of different foot steps behind me. I turned around and saw dad first, behind him the rest of my family. Where they really going to stop me by force?
"What more do you want? STOP FUCKING PUSHING ME! I tried Ok? I tried, sorry if I don't fit in your perfect happy fucking bubble anymore! I did my best, I'm done with this shit, I didn't even want to try! Alice forced me, sorry if I made you think otherwise!" I screamed at dad.
"You call that trying? Coming home and sitting around while doing nothing? You didn't even utter a word the whole fucking meal! Damn it Edward, have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? Do you know what has become of yourself? This is not my son!" He screamed pointing at me.
"Carlisle…" Mom pleaded with him.
"No Esme, it has been four fucking years! I had enough of this shit! He needs to move on, it's ridiculous!" Shit, he never swears.
"RIDICULOUS? You know what's fucking ridiculous? That's been four fucking years and you still don't get it! I CHEATED ON HER!... DON'T YOU GET THAT? I cheated on her on OUR FUCKING WEDDING DAY!"
My head was spinning, tears falling down my cheeks and my breath caught in my throat when I realized what I had just said. It was the first time I had said that word aloud and it felt even worse. It made it real, my actions, had been real. I cheated on her.
Everybody became silent I never talked about that day, even less about my actions or feelings about it. I took a deep breath to regain my bearings and started to speak slowly again.
"I humiliated her… embarrassed her… betrayed her, hurt her, made her less in the cruelest way ever, how do you expect someone to continue when that person knows he has hurt the only person he vowed never to hurt like that? Don't be hypocrites for fuck sakes! You" I pointed at dad "told me yourself you were disappointed in me, you looked me in the eye that fucking day and told me I disappointed you and treated me like crap for months! You made me feel like you preferred that I was dead instead of Andrew! You told me I didn't deserve what I had! Why are you so fucking pushy! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME!" he flinched and looked down, something passed across his eyes but I ignored it.
"And you," I turned to Alice "you didn't talk to me for months either! So don't come now and tell me I need to forgive myself, because you couldn't even do it until something bad happened to me. You all knew what I did was wrong. Why now the sudden change? Why is suddenly everybody having the urge for me to see a fucking doctor or to open up? You were all fine ignoring me too, just doing the random check up and shit! Why NOW?"
"Edwar-" Mom started.
"Don't even start with the "we worry about you" crap. I have told you time after time I knew what I was getting myself into. Why is everybody ambushing me now?" I turned to dad "Talks? Talking behind my back to Heidi? Watching my every move?" then pointed at mom "visits to the clinic" then Alice "Tim fucking Horton's' stalking? Brunch kidnappings? Why the sudden urge for me to come out of my shell? I don't want to! It's hard enough to know you all are continuing with your lives, I don't want to actually see it, it's too much! I know it's selfish but that's the only way I can cope with my day, I will NEVER be whole! EVER! Why it is so hard for you to understand that? Why make this harder? Just leave me ALONE FOR FUCK SAKES!"
My head was pounding so hard with all the screaming, I don't think I have said so many words in a while, aside from when I was talking to a patient's parent. Alice was sniffing, mom sobbing, and dad was… guilty? Very guilty. Everybody else was just avoiding my gaze. What the fuck? They weren't saying anything back at me.
I studied them slowly, something was off.
I remembered my own words, I passed them through my head again, I had said them without thinking but now that I thought of them, something had been spot on.
Dad's attempts to talk to me at the clinic, his worry about Angela's visit, Alice's sudden intervention, the look she had during our talk, mom coming to the clinic, Emmet's tension when I called him, I had thought it was because he wasn't used to me calling and thought something happened to me, but if something had happened to me, I wouldn't be able to call, right? Jasper's seriousness towards me and Rose's lack of bitching. Then there was that sudden going on too. What the hell was with that?
And now they were all coming after me when I tried to run away, dad had lost his self, he had yelled and what I thought it had been pure anger I could also tell now there was fear in his eyes, more than worry, he feared something. He was desperate.
Did he fear something would happen to me? I had told them again and again that I wouldn't pull off a stunt like the last one. They knew it had mostly been an accident, I didn't actually want to die literally, I was dead already anyways.
They knew I had worked something up in my head, I was eyeing them wary and I instantly knew they were keeping something from me.
But I didn't dare to ask.
"Alice…" Jasper suddenly murmured, she looked at him with terrified pleading eyes.
"Tell him." He said
Alice just shook her head. Begging him.
"Alice, he deserves to know. He needs to."
"Jasper…"
"If you don't tell him, I will" he interrupted her.
…
…
…
"Tell me what?" I heard myself say.
"It's nothing, I'm not even su-"
"DAMN IT ALICE TELL ME NOW!" I yelled, she took a step back and clutched Jasper's arm.
I was losing my patience, what did I need to know?
"Edward…" dad started but I cut him off.
"I'm speaking to Alice! What do I fucking need to know?" I glared at her.
I know I didn't want to know, but for some reason I couldn't not know, I just had to ask. Apparently I had some masochistic tendencies.
"Edward… honey calm down, perhaps-"
"ALICE!" I screamed again through clenched teeth.
"SHE MOVED ON OK?" Rosalie suddenly yelled at me.
I only stared at her, my brain not wanting to process this.
…
…
"I'm sorry, but she did and it's time for you to do it too, if she did it you should be able to do it too." She said, but even though she tried to keep herself in check I could see the pity in her cold eyes.
…
…
…
Suddenly all air left me when a realization hit me. It came like a meteor on full speed and force and hit me right on my chest, making me breathless and burying me in the center of the earth.
Her stuff.
I had thought the reason why I kept them was because I didn't want to get rid of the memories, that I didn't want to make our relationship disposable, replaceable, that I didn't want to forget her. But now… I realize that the real reason behind all that was because I still had hope, I still hoped that one day she'll knock on my door and take me back. That one day we would have the opportunity to continue our journey together, that she would come back to me and show me the way, that she would take me out of this hole I'm in, that she would give me one more chance, to let me make things right for her. I realized I never really gave up on her, that I have been waiting for her all this time.
I've been such a fool.
I turned to Alice and I begged her with my eyes to please tell me fucking Rose was lying, that I heard wrong.
She couldn't meet my eyes, instead she stared down at the floor.
…
…
…
"I'm so sorry Edward…" she sniffed and looked at me, her eyes were full of pain and dread of what she was about to say. "I saw her a couple of weeks ago… she didn't see me but… she wasn't… alone… she was wi-"
I had heard enough.
I turned around and walked out the door.
Sooo, who else wants to go after Eddie boy and hug him, and comfort him, and sooth him, and caress him, and kiss him, and touch him... I'll better stop there.
Who do you think Alice saw Bella with? What's up with Carlisle?
PLEASE PLEAS PLEASE! LEAVE ME A REVIEW! if I get enough I swear I'll have another chap ready within 3 days ;)
Thanks again for reading! remember english is not my first language, so have patience with me there... also, THANKS AGAIN FOR READING!
saludos!
tpec