Chapter 4: Hymns of Innocence

There was nothing, nothing left for him now with his freedom stripped away so easily, snatched away like something trivial, something stupid, something that didn't matter. Splinter- he would never know the blows he had dealt his son that rising morning, the sickening twist he felt grip his insides when the old rat issued his final sentence, that crushing death-blow to the countless, faceless many.

It was moments like these that Raphael hated himself a little more, simply because he was Raph, not Mikey, not Leo, not Don, but cruel, explosive Raphael that had not even the slightest sense of self control. But mostly, he hated himself simply because he cared. He cared so damn much about people he didn't even know that he would risk it all- put his life, his family, his sanity on the line.

If it had been any one of his brothers, the argument never would have happened, it never would have turned as ugly as it did. But he was Raph, and it always seemed to turn out ugly in the end whenever he was added to the mix, because he cared when the others didn't, because he knew the darkness they refused to see.

None of them could ever understand, and that's what plagued him now. The sheer frustration, their blindness, their uncaring ignorance about everything he stood for- that was why he felt familiar pangs of anger boiling in his guts now, the winding coils of his muscles, the gritting of his teeth. That was why, in an act of simple defiance, he walked past the dojo door and leapt to the second story, slamming his door behind him. That was why he was shut in his own room, stuck brooding to himself with his angriest music playing far too loud on the shelf above his bed, angered to near tears at the sheer injustice of it all.

None of his brothers knew what it was like to care about the world above the way he did. Somehow along the years of living underground, they had managed to ignore the gnawing injustices of the world above, managing to blind and deafen themselves, turning their hearts to stone in any way possible, pretending the world wasn't the stained, blood-soaked realm Raphael saw in his dreams and waking hours every time his lungs met midnight air. They were innocent, ignorant, dazed by their own imaginations, untouched. But Raph- he knew the truth. He knew all too well darkness that dwelled in alleyways, a dark that stretched far beyond the cloak of night. He had seen it all with his own hate-filled eyes, becoming ever more bitter and world-weary with each mugging, every rape, every robbery he witnessed, every drive-by shooting where some innocent kid got killed in the crossfire, every ounce of drugs sold to kids so young they were practically still children, poisoning their lives forever, banishing themselves to this never-ending world of perpetual darkness.

And Raph couldn't help but feel a little poisoned too. The world had showed him many evils, cut him deep and bled him dry until all that was left was rage, the consuming fires of hate. Often he wished he could be like someone else, to stomp out the fire that burned him every night and day, and simply stop caring. To be Mikey- innocent and carefree, submersed in a world not entirely reality, full of fiction, wonder, excitement, illusion… but that wasn't how it was. The world never had a thing to offer them, never had a place for them to live, a niche for them to dream. In the eyes of the world, they were freaks. They were outcasts.

But none of his brothers could see it. Don- he filled his life with invention, learning, wondrous things that would blow the mind of any modern day scientist in the hope that someday he would contribute, someday, he would be known, help others, save lives, astound. But Raph- he knew that was nothing but a lie, a dream. His brother never would be known. His secrets would be taken to the grave- the secret of his very existence well kept.

Leo- he had his honor, his training, his bushido. He trained and learned the ways of the masters, followed disciplines of art, meditation, combat. He studied night and day, submersed in books of Japanese proverbs, arts of war, history, fables, culture, technique. But Raph- he knew his brother was talented, as much as their rivalry clouded his judgment, he could never deny Leo's ability, his dedication, his pursuit of perfection. But also, he knew that some day, it would all go to waste. Sure, he and his brothers had saved the lives of many- stopped the world from ending many times over, halted an alien invasion, ceased a detrimental and horrifying virus from spreading through the world, cracked open government conspiracies… and yet… Leo would never be what he was truly meant to be. Because his brothers, all of them, were dreamers of one sort or another. Their heads were filled with brightness, ideas, skills, dreams… none of them ever to reach their primes, their potentials.

As for Raph… he was a realist. His way of life, his only dream, was to live balanced on a knife's edge, suck the vigor out of what it had to offer, and take down as many slimy, evil bastards he could with him when he finally teetered to his death.

Mike is the dreamer.

Don is the engineer.

Leo is the warrior.

Raph- he's the realist, shadow, the avenger. That was his definition, and that's what scares his family to death.

If he had seen only the evils of the world he vowed to protect, it would have been easier for him to turn his back, to walk away, to make his family happy and pretend for a minute that it wasn't his obsession. But he had seen those kids too many times, the filthy street urchins, the daughters and sons of drug dealers and whores. He had watched them playing in the streets just before twilight fell on hot summer days, the innocence not yet leeched from their wide young eyes as they played their games of stickball, hopscotch, jump rope to the rhythm of silly little rhymes. Rhymes set to the pulse of the city, rhymes that played along the groan of engines and car horns, the cry of venders and beggars, the sound of gunfire calling through the night- predictions of the future yet to come. The hymns of innocence lost. This was his reason, the reason for the fire that burned inside him now, the reason he did what he had to do, the reason for who he was.

How could anyone even begin to understand… freedom was the air he breathed, that driving force that kept him from wanting to tear off his own skin, from imploding from the inside out, from losing control of everything. It was the knowing, the sensation of pain that kept him planted firmly on the ground, the justice he knew he could bring to the world that let him sleep at night, that gave meaning to his every breath.

He didn't want to forget. He wanted to fix it, to save them all. So instead, he let it burn. He would never stomp it out, he would never let it die, simply because he couldn't. He was just as poisoned as those dirty little street children, the beggars, the whores. They were made of the same material- born from the scraps of poverty and filth, and even if none of them ever knew he existed in that unseen world below their feet, he was every part of that cursed city- those dark, polluted streets- than they were. He could never let them down.

The surface was his great release, the night air robbing him of everything but breath, instinct, pain, leaving him hollow and mechanical until the fire in his eyes burned out enough to stand living in his own flesh. It was the random acts of violence, the moments of hopeless surrender, the animal-like savagery that chased away the nightmares, that let him see more clearly, to build back the walls and return home again, cleansed, baptized in the blood of the wicked, sparing the blood of the innocent, the world whose polluted blood he shared, unknowingly their savior, their kin.

Sitting back in his hammock, he shut his eyes tightly against the world like an iron curtain and lost himself to the sea of rolling bass and music that pumped through the stereo. It was then he had caught himself thinking of his obsession, of his life, and nearly let a laugh, cold and humorless, escape from his lips. He wanted to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all, for wanting to change, for thinking that he can, for thinking that his brothers would ever truly learn to understand.

They would never, could never understand because when they looked at him, all they saw was simple, stubborn, hot-headed Raphael, too wrapped up in his own misery to acknowledge anything but his own screwed up emotions. He was the instigator, the vicious, provokeable storm that raged like wildfire at the slightest touch. They never even bothered to look at him deeper than the surface, and he never allowed them to gaze upon it either. It was a wall he worked hard to build over the years, a thick skin that dared a soul to penetrate.

Don and Mike- they only believed he was simple because that was what Leo said, what he had made himself believe. It was his diluted rationalization for the complete lack of control he had over his younger brother. Over the years, keeping him in line had become more like breaking the spirit of a bull than breaking through his brother's tough exterior- the shell he knew, in the deepest shadows of his mind, that he had helped to build.

He of all people should know exactly what dwelled below. But sometimes, Raph thought his brother had forgotten the part of him that seemed to have died so long ago, the part that had seemed to be lost with fading innocence, the part of him he so completely hid away.

But it was there. Buried deep, scarred, and world-weary, yet it was still there.

He kept his eyes closed for a while, lost in the twisting realms of his own thoughts, his brain replaying images of a boy- grey eyes- a glittering knife- sleet- stains on the concrete- the audible snap of a neck- a crumpled body. Dead.

This was his life. All those images, those sounds, they were him- his life.

Pounding- anger- freak- snap- sleet- cocaine in the harbor- a dead boy, not much older than himself. Seventeen years old and dead by his hands.

He shut his eyes tighter as if he could forbid his brain from functioning, tried to drown it in the music, tried not to imagine himself crumpled against that wall in that boy's place, but the images still played on a loop in his mind, all the while echoing an ominous chant…

Too far.

He'd gone way too far.

Raphael nearly jumped out of his shell when he sensed movement shifting beside him. Wearily, he cracked an eye open and frowned to see Leonardo standing there, any words that escaped his lips drown by the blasting stereo, but with an expression of impenetrable displeasure painted across his face that spoke volumes. His arms were crossed across his plastron, glaring down at his brother like something had disgusted him, lips drawn tightly into a perfect line.

Raph groaned loudly in displeasure, turned and threw a pillow over his head until suddenly, the room went silent.

Raph peeked out from beneath his pillow and shot Leo a poisonous glare.

"Hey, what tha fuck! I was listenin' ta that."

But Leo didn't flinch. He just stood there, like stone, arms crossed with the same haughty frown chiseled upon his face. "You're supposed to be training."

Raph sat up suddenly, never losing his glare, letting his pillow fall forgotten onto the floor. "Do you really think I'm gunna listen to a word you say right now?" he seethed, eyes narrowed as he pressed his finger into his brother's plastron.

Leo sighed, letting his shoulders fall as if a great weight was pressing down upon them. Rolling his eyes, he breathed and took a step away to avoid his brother's finger. "Master Splinter told you to go to the dojo after Don cleaned you up, remember?"

"Oh, fuck off Leo. Get outta my room. Who said you could come in here anyway?"

"Sensei sent me to drag you out of bed, so get up or I'll have him come in here instead."

For a moment, Raph only glared before mumbling darkly "Splinter Junior."

"Oh, give it up Raph, stop acting like a child and get out of bed before Sensei gets even madder at you then he already is. You really screwed up this morning, if you've forgotten, so you're in no position to be stubborn."

"If you haven't noticed" Raphael seethed through his teeth, every syllable uttered with a cutting edge "I ain't slept for twelve straight hours, so I'm not bein' stubborn, your highness, I'm fucking exhausted."

Leo shifted uncomfortably on his feet, but never broke his glare. "Do you seriously think I have any pity for you after what you've done? You did it to yourself, Raph" he scoffed, turning for the door. "Now are you coming or do I have to tattle on you like a five year old?"

"Shut up Leo, an' quit pissin' me off."

"Not until you get up" he said stubbornly from the doorway.

"If I get up will ya wipe that stupid look off ya face?"

Leo smiled slightly, but quickly controlled it, shrugging but never unfolding his arms. "Maybe" he said slyly. "Just get out of bed."

Raph turned and dangled his feet over the side of his hammock, head bowed, and froze there for a moment, listening to the sound of his brother's fading footsteps, the sound of the dojo door, Mikey watching tv.

This too was life- a life he seemed to not belong. Aside from this small haven, this tiny dank room that was barely his own- he had no place besides the surface. He was, so to speak, out of place in his own home. Alone within the crowded room, trapped with no way out.

With a sigh, he stood and pressed his feet to cold concrete, a sensation colder than he could remember. When he stood, he had to brace himself against the wall to steady the spinning room.

"Stupid Leo" he muttered, blinking as the room came back into focus "I'm gunna freakin' collapse 'cause he won't let me sleep a fuckin' second of my life."

But it was a lonely whisper to no one in the empty room, and Raph knew that not all of it was true. It wasn't Leo that kept him awake… it was his own mind, those images, the restlessness that gnawed away at him every second he wasn't on the surface, playing vigilante, saving people from themselves.

When he wandered down to the dojo, feeling stronger on his feet despite his exhaustion, he slid open the door and peered in to see Leo, alone, sitting on the tatami, gazing steadily back at him.

"Raphael, come here. Sit."

Reluctantly, Raph peeled himself from the doorway and sat facing his brother's stone-carved gaze. But beneath the brown marble was still that gnawing look of concern that he just couldn't bare facing straight on. Instead, Raph's eyes swept the empty room, searching for his brothers.

"They're not coming" Leo said stoically, reading his brother's mind. "It's just you and me. We need to talk."

Needing something else to draw his attention away from his brother's stare, Raph tapped his fingers on his knees, studying them as if he'd never seen them before. "Uh… do we really hafta talk" Raph asked hesitantly after a long moment of silence. Slowly, he drew his eyes upward and returned the cold-blooded gaze. "I got nothin' to say."

Leo didn't hesitate. "Something's bothering you, and I can't figure it out. I want to help you, little brother, but you won't let me in."

"Nothin's botherin' me Leo, so butt out" Raph growled, eyes never drawn away out of sheer stubborn determination. It was his silent challenge.

When Leo spoke again, his voice was quieter and his gaze softened just a little. He sighed before he said "Master Splinter had a vision about the path you're traveling, Raph. He says a cloud is hanging over you. Something bad is going to happen if you don't try to change the way you live. That's why he had to ground you. He says it will happen soon if things don't change."

Raph had no response. He just sat, still locked in his stubborn gaze.

Leo reached out, and Raph tried to push backward away from his touch. But before he could, Leo's hand was resting on his knee. His eyes were transparent now, betraying something close to anguish.

"Raph… I don't want to lose you. Not now. You have to change. Stop doing what you're doing before it's too late."

Quickly, Raph scooted away and was on his feet in an instant, letting his brother's touch fall away, his words of worry running down his back, dripping to the floor forgotten.

"I can't change who I am" he murmured lowly, eyes slightly narrowed. Leo just looked up at him, unmoving on the tatami.

"This isn't who you are, Raphael. This is your choice, not a part of you. It's not a limb to be severed, just a different path, a safer path."

"And what the fuck do you want me to do then? Jus' sit around and do nothin' all day? I ain't Mikey, Leo. I won't jus' dick around in La La Land all day long. An' I ain't Don. I can't do nothin' like tha things he does. An' I sure as hell ain't you! I don't know who the fuck you're kidding, thinkin' any of this makes a difference, cause it don't! It don't mean nothin' up there! It don't count worth shit!"

Raph's voice was escalating and soon Leo was on his feet, looking frustrated.

"The world above has nothing to do with us, Raphael! What we do… that is our lives, our choices, and they do matter. If you don't think it matters, you're lying to yourself. You've seen the things we've done, the lives we've saved, the wars we've prevented."

"That's your world, Leo" Raph said darkly "It ain't mine."

"There is only one world, Raphael" Leo said coldly.

"Yeah, there is. It's called reality, and you ain't livin' in it."

Now Leo really looked like he was losing it. His jaw and fists were clenched, eyes narrowed as he spoke. "Why do you have to be so stubborn! Can't you see you're killing yourself! I know the look you carry in your eyes, it's the look of someone being eaten from the inside out."

"You don't know nothin' about me" he seethed, pushing past his brother, letting their shoulders collide as he walked past, making Leo turn on his heel.

"Raphael! Where are you going?"

"Out."

But before Raph could blink, Leo was standing in front of him, blocking his way to the door.

"You're not leaving. Master Splinter's vision… I can't allow you to do this" he trailed, voice becoming barely a whisper. But Raph only stood and stared. "I can't let you make us three."

Raphael only looked forward, pushing past his brother again, edging to the door. But once again, Leo was blocking the way.

"Raph! No! You have to stay! Promise me you'll stay." His eyes were pleading, but Raph was far too stubborn.

"I can't promise you nothin'" he growled, trying to push past again. But this time, Leo wouldn't budge.

"Outta my way, Leo."

Leo shook his head, anguish burning in his eyes. "I… I can't."

Letting a feral growl escape his throat, Raphael shoved his brother hard, making him take a step backward. "I said, outta my way!"

Slowly, as if it pained him, Leo drew his katana and held it between he and his brother, barring the way out the door.

"So this is how it's gunna be" said Raph lowly, glaring heatedly as he withdrew his sai from his belt.

"If you refuse to listen to reason" Leo said coldly, but with a trace of anger "this is how it has to be."

Quickly, Raph was upon him, furiously slashing the air with his sai just inches away from his plastron, but each attack deflected by a single katana.

"You have no right to tell me how to live!" Raph growled angrily, slashing the air again. He wished his brother would realize this and just stand down. He really wished he didn't have to fight.

"If telling you how to live can save your life, then so be it" Leo said coldly as a swing of his katana was blocked by the tines of his brother's sai. "One day, you will go too far, and you'll never come back to us."

In that instant, the brothers paused, weapons locked together, gazes connecting for a fleeting moment. And there, for just a sliver of time, the opaque, unreadable eyes of his brother Raphael cleared to become transparent. Leonardo drew in a breath as his gaze met the deep oceans of pain, the dark rolling tides of anguish, confusion, anger, hate.

"I… I've already gone too far."

Raphael's eyes turned away, unlocking the tangles weapons, gazing at the ground. His sai hung loosely at his sides for an instant as Leonardo took him in, studying his brother for that one rare, fleeting second when his defenses crumbled to the ground.

Leo took a step backward and sheathed his katana, gazing back at his brother with compassion. The look his brother held was the hungry look of the fevered, the defeated, unfocused and yet filled with dark, hollowed self-loathing that flowed like a river beneath that impenetrable exterior.

"Raph… are you ok?"

"Just… just dizzy" he whispered, looking as if a gentle breeze could knock him to his feet.

And just as quickly as it had come, that fleeting moment of weakness left his brother's eyes, marking the return of the opaque, angered glaze that buried it all deep beneath the armor he so carefully built around himself.

Raph snapped quickly into an offensive pose and lunged for his brother again.

"I'm fine!" he roared, slashing savagely at his brother's head. But in almost an instant, Leonardo had snatched both his wrists in either hand. His sai clattered nosily to the ground.

"Raph, tell me. There's something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong!" he screamed "Let me go!"

Raph struggled for a while beneath his brother's grip until he finally decided to let him free.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" he yelled again, as if he had to convince himself as well as his brother.

"Hit me!" Raph demanded, shoving his brother hard against the wall behind him. But Leo did not retaliate. He still appeared lost in thought.

"Hit me!" he roared again, just inches from his brother's face. "God damn it! Hit me!"

And as if he was underwater, Leonardo pulled back and threw his punch, a strike Raphael could have easily averted. But for some reason- whether lack of sleep or otherwise- his reflexes were slow. Instead of ducking, he took the punch full force, crushing hard into his mouth.

When the dizziness returned, Raphael fell to one knee before his brother and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. There, left behind on smooth reptilian skin, a trail of glistening red. He tasted its copper in his mouth and spat, blood smattering the tatami mat at his brother's feet.

Leo was still standing, gazing wide-eyed at his brother, seemingly fascinated with the bright red streak across his hand.

"Raph… I'm sorry. I thought you would…" But words escaped him when he offered his brother a hand, yet he refused. Instead, Raph pushed himself up by his own power, blood still trickling from the corner of his mouth, turned and walked out the dojo door.

"Raph! Wait!"

But Raphael did not turn, he only walked as if deaf to the world, toward the metal door, toward the surface world.

"Raph! Stop!"

Without a backward glance, the heavy door opened, and Raphael disappeared.

Leonardo stood motionless in the center of the Lair as Mike and Don bounded over to the source of the commotion. Mikey was beside him in a flash. Expertly reading the look on his oldest brother's face, his goofy smile quickly turned into a frown.

"Dude, what happened?"

Slowly, as if in shock, Leo shook his head. "I… Raph left. I'm going after him" he said finally after reclaiming control of his own voice. "Don, toss me the keys to the Battle Shell. I think he took the Shell Cycle"

Instantly, Don grabbed the key out of his belt and tossed it to his brother, who caught it without looking. He still had his eyes fixated on the door.

"I'm coming too" Mikey said firmly, already sure his brother had no plan to include him on his mission.

"No, Mikey, you stay here. I have a bad feeling about this."

Running towards the door that had swallowed Raph just moments before, Leo shouted over his shoulder "Donny- tell Master Splinter he's gone. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it."

And at that moment, all three brothers felt a sharp sinking feeling gnawing at the pit of their stomachs, sending electric charges through their nervous systems, a shock of stark reality.

There was no way this could turn out good.