Chapter 4:

Before starting work at Esmeraldas, I was requested to go in. They needed me for a fitting of the new uniforms for the workers. I was really nervous as it'll require me being touched for measurements. Well, firstly I don't like getting touched, and secondly what if someone figures out that I am not a male?! Well, then again I am androgynous, hopefully it'll go smoothly…and well, it did. I noticed at that time that I was getting more use to the idea of be being a male. Sadly, I think I am better at being a male.

I started working at the Double R club: the Ivy house two days and the weekend nights before I began working at Esmeraldas barn. I finally got more of a foot in the door and began listening on the boys talk as I worked. I overheard them speaking of usual business, the Richardson gang, but no mention of George Cornell. I would wonder how'd I react if they did, I was already so anxious working there, not to mention having to dodge Ronnie's stares. Speaking of which, we did not have another 'encounter' after the last time. At the time, I still have not figured why he would recommend me to work at Esmeraldas barn…But I was soon to find out why.

One particular morning, I walked in and it was quiet. "Gerry, where…are all the uhh… boys?" I asked him, and he answered "Oh, they are having breakfast at Pellicci's… and I heard they were asked to meet up with the Richardson's…" I cut him off before he could finish, "WHAT? WHERE?...IS GEOREGE CORNELL GOING TO BE THERE?" I was huffing and puffing. Gerry looked at me confused before opening his mouth, "firstly kid, I don't know and secondly, why George Cornell?..." I settled back down and cleared by throat before answering him, "that uhh…I just wondered if they were…all there…because…it sounds like it gonna be a big..fight…I uhhh feel… left out…" Gerry looked at me before he began laughing, "oh, that's right, you wanted to be a gangster…" He carried on with what he was doing and so did I. That day, I experienced a whole range of emotions. I wanted to get my hands on George Cornell so bad, he killed the ones I love, and I wanted revenge…

It was useful working there during the day time, as I hear a lot. I heard that on the day of the world cup final, Charlie Richardson was arrested, leaving London open for the Krays to grasp. I remembered to keep my cool, wouldn't want them to be suspicious as to why I had a vendetta on George Cornell. I don't want them to start asking questions. I didn't hear anything self about him, so I assumed he was still out there somewhere.

With that aside, I started working at Esmeraldas barn. Boy was the place beautiful! It was stunning, and our uniforms were amazing! I remembered looking around and noticing that most of the employees were young…well…good looking men. I was the odd one out. I actually miss the Double R club: the Ivy house and Gerry. I did not know anyone here and I had to slowly get to know everyone. With that said, James was the first to approach me. He began looking at me strangely before asking me, "what the hell are you?...I mean, where are you from? I can't pick it…" I smiled and answered him, "I am…uhh…half Chinese half..English.." I looked down at my shoes before hearing him whistle, "whoa! What a mix eh! Nice to meet you, I am James. I work over at one of the gambling table. I am new too." I looked up and smiled, "Nice, I work at the bar". I settled a lot better knowing I had a 'work buddy'. Work was obviously fast paced as it was so busy. The rich and famous was amongst the crowd and business was booming. This is when the drama really began…

I would see Frances here from time to time, but we agreed to ignore each other. She looked absolutely elegant and classy. Reggie and Frances looked like the perfect couple. Ronnie and Teddy found a spot to regularly sit in, but I paid no attention as it was busy. James caught me looking around one night and asked me what I was looking around for. I shared my thoughts with him and asked if he thought that it was weird that only young good looking men worked here. I remembered him laughing at me. I thought to myself at that time how stupid I would have sounded to him. He then answered, "Well, that is because Sir Ronnie over there wanted it that way…" he snickers and looks at my confused face and continued to say, "…well, his a homosexual…" I wondered what my faced looked like to him, as I was frozen and my jaw was dropped to the ground. "He..he..wha…what?..." He gave me a look before continuing to inform me, "so be careful...because if he has his eye on you…run the other way" He winked and returned to his table. Ronnie Kray…Gay?…I had no time to process it as I had to return to the fast paced bar work.

One night, I remembered seeing Frances extremely upset as she walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't help and want to comfort her. We were in the bathroom hall way, no one would pay attention. "Frances… Are you okay…Wha..Whats wrong? Talk to me please…" I held her arm, she looked up at me, "Reggie, he…his appeal was not approved and he…has to go and turn himself tomorrow...to gaol…" She burst out crying and I hugged her. She was so small in my arms. "How…for how long?" I asked her, and she looked up at me while she was still in my arms, "six months…" Selfishly, all I could think of was that how the hell could I be a gangster if he was gone for that long. That is six months I will be doing this bar work?...My thoughts was interrupted when Reggie ran around the corner looking for Frances. He caught us hugging and gave me a look like he wanted to kill me. It then occurred to me that I was a male in their eyes and quickly let her go. "Reggie..I…she…" I stuttered and before I could explain, he slammed me up against the wall. It felt like my rib cage was crushed. All I could manage was to cough. "WHAT the FUCK! Do you think ya doing?!" I wanted to reply, but I could not. I felt the air has been crushed out of my lungs. Even though I was the same height as him, I was not strong as he was. I remember seeing Frances crying and trying to calm Reggie down. "Reggie! Let him go! Please he was just comforting me, nothing else was going on! Please!" Reggie just saw red and appeared not to have heard her. She tried again, "Please Reggie! He was just comforting me…" she looked like she knew that it was not working, so she decided to say the most outrageous thing she could think of, "…Reggie…HIS GAY FOR GODSAKES!" With that said, he dropped me to the floor. He was still breathing heavily and then fixed his hair. He looked at Frances who took off, and then followed. I then tried to compile myself and noticed Teddy standing there watching. We locked eyes for a moment before he walked away. All I could do was get back to work.

James walked past me while I was heading my way back to the bar. He grabbed my arm, "hey, you alright?" I looked up at him, obviously shaken up, "I...I uhh…I was caught hugging Frances and…she yelled at to him that I was…well…gay…so he could let me go…" I looked up at James and he looks at me surprised, "you're gay?" What can I do now, I cannot deny it right? Things would not match up if people talk. So I nodded. He breathes out, "nothing wrong with that…just be careful aye…things will be okay" He patted my on the shoulder, winked and walked off. He was so warm, caring and friendly. I wished I could confide in him, but I could not risk it. As I made my way back, I saw teddy whispering something to Ronnie. Ronnie looked up at me and nodded again, this time lifting his glass at me. I fiddled and looked around nervously, and then nervously smiled before taking going back to what I was doing.

Frances was heartbroken as she was not able to spend that Christmas with Reggie. My mind was occupied with memories of spending Christmas with my parents, Uncle Eddy and close friends. I tried comforting her as much as I could, but between working and trying to keep myself as a male, I had my hands full. She continued to attend college, and I continued to work. No one at work asked me anything about being 'gay'. Guess James kept the secret. God bless him.