The next morning I had Potions. I was overjoyed at the chance to see him without making an obvious show of my feelings but I hated that I would have to see Professor Snape once more. That was okay. I'd have to go through it all year so the sooner I adjusted to it the better.

The dungeon classroom was as cold and smelly as ever, but to my surprise Hazel partnered up with me. "Jax feels bad for taking up so much of my time," she said, "so he told me to come sit with you." She sounded happy and cheerful but falsely so. I turned to look at Jax. He was partnered with Melanie and looked anything but self-sacrificing. What was up with them? They definitely seemed a little closer than friends. But Melanie had seemed pretty attached to Tom. Looking again at Hazel, she seemed to be thinking the same thing. I stayed quiet and got the potions ingredients, cause I didn't know what to say. But while we waited for the cauldron to heat up, she founds words.

"I really think I'm going to lose him. And I really don't think I care. I know Melanie doesn't like him or anything. She's just a little stupid about boys. But he knows what's going on. He's probably thinking he'll make his move and then if she says yes he'll dump me and if she rejects him, he'll stay with me instead of being single. But I'm not gonna let it get to that point." She cut up roots as she spoke, each defining clack of the knife against the cutting board just adding drama to her speech. But I shouldn't be considering her life like a movie. I should be trying to help.

"Well, good. You deserve better," I said. It was lame but it was the best I could come up. It was particularly hard to comfort her when I was so blissfully happy with my own situation. Well, not being so focused on Severus would be good but other than that, yeah. I had never been this happy.

When Hazel didn't answer I thought she was annoyed at me but then I realized she had stopped chopping and was crying silently, her hands clenched in her lap. I reached out and put an arm around her, my hand on her head as she leaned into me. Physical solace, at least, I could provide.

Until Professor Snape stormed over and scowled at us. "Miss Bowen, can you please explain to me your recent interest into turning my classes into your personal therapy sessions?" I thought about saying something like, "Why, Professor, I didn't know you paid so much attention to me." Of course this would be followed by a wink and an appropriately sexy facial expression.

"Sorry, sir," I said instead, sliding my arm off Hazel's shoulder and trying not to vomit at calling him sir. Jax looked at us with obvious puzzlement. Good. What was not good was the interest of Jane, Ella, and all the other busybodies in Hufflepuff. The Ravenclaw students seemed far less interested in our affairs, although there were a few who looked like they were eagerly awaiting my likely punishment.

"Sorry is not sufficient. You and Miss Prue will stay after class to address the matter in further detail." What? What? I looked at Hazel, bewildered, and she looked equally puzzled. Why was he asking us to stay after class? I could kind of understand if it was just me, but then again he'd asked me last week. If Severus was going to be careful, repeatedly keeping me after class was not very intelligent. But it's not like he could say anything with Hazel there. Whatever.

We tried to focus on the potion but Hazel was still upset over Jax and I was trying to work out Severus's motives. The result was that our potion was the complete wrong consistency and had a funny smell. At least the color was close enough to being correct. At the end of class, I cleaned up our station as Hazel dropped off the sample. When she came back, she tried mouthing a few things to me but I didn't understand them. I shrugged and shook my head in response.

When all the students had gone, Severus beckoned us up to his desk. There was a difference between Professor Snape and Severus, and the latter was definitely the one behind the desk. This made me feel a little apprehensive as we walked up. I felt like he would just immediately dismiss Hazel and kiss me until his students came in. Not that I would really mind. In fact, the prospect seemed rather nice. But it would be stupid to do that. I'd have to stop him. And that would be damn hard.

"I think you should tell Miss Prue," he said. I blinked. Tell her to leave? Yeah, I was a bit stuck on that idea. I tried a few other possibilities: tell her that her fly is down (but she was wearing robes), tell her to use less makeup (true but why would Severus care?) but then I got what he was saying. He thought I should tell her about us. He'd told me he was not my boyfriend and that I had no commitment to him. I'd contradicted him but I couldn't exactly claim any stake over him, if that was our official position. What was I going to tell Hazel, that I'd spent a night and several afternoons in his quarters? Ha, yeah. Our time together would be completely innocent compared to the images she'd conjure. And it really had been mostly innocent.

"Tell me what?"

"I don't know what he's talking about," I said. I tried to keep my voice unconcerned, with an appropriate touch of confusion. Hazel seemed to buy it and turned her attention from me to Severus. God she was pretty. Standing next to her made me feel so physically inferior. Normally, I didn't mind. But being in front of the only man I wanted to look good for, I minded a lot. I tried to ignore my insecurities. It mostly worked.

The first few students came in, clustered and talking and loudly, obviously first years.

"Well that is all, then. Please consider what I've talked about." Hazel and I nodded studiously and then hurried out of the classroom towards Runes. As soon as she felt she was safely away, she burst into giggles, clutching at me for support.

"Please consider what I've talked about," she mimicked through her chuckles, her voice uncannily close to his. "What an absolute freak. I mean, honestly, he holds us after class for that? He's loony." I tried to think of something to respond with but I couldn't. Mocking Severus, even to cover up my feelings, was too hard. In fact, I felt like telling Hazel to shut her mouth. But that would do no good. "He should be fired," she added after I stayed quiet. Now I felt a little mad at her for even suggesting that. She didn't really mean it, I knew, but the thought of Severus being fired…he'd made it clear to me how much he needed his job.

"I think Jax should be fired from your life," I said, trying as smoothly as possible to change the subject. I'm sure Hazel thought it was a little odd of me but she was more than happy to seize the opportunity to talk about herself, and she was still talking when we settled into Runes. Eventually she quieted down and I focused on the lesson. For the first time this term, I completely put myself into my work and forgot my Severus. Win for my newfound determination to be focused. It was even more of a win considering today was a review for the upcoming test.

The rest of the day I felt equally pleased at how easy it was to concentrate on my courses. I took diligent notes in neat, quick handwriting and everything actually made sense. It was terrific. Until I got to the end of my school day. It was technically just a free period, but no classes followed so I had the rest of the evening free. I completed my homework, of course, but then all I could think about was visiting Severus. He had a class so I couldn't if I wanted to, but anyway I didn't. Of course not. We'd spent time together every day for the past three days. I could manage one day. Or at least a few hours. Or, at the very least, until school officially ended.

I moved into the common room in the hopes of finding someone to distract myself with. All I found was Ella. She was alone, an event that rarely occurred. So, I flopped in a chair next to her, and grinned. "The great and powerful Ella has cast off her subjects of the day?"

"Fuck off," she replied immediately, scowling. I frowned and thought about telling her off in my own way. Then I reviewed what I'd said and realized how that could have come across as rude.

"It was just a joke," I said.

"Everything is a joke to you! You never care about how it's affecting other people as long as your pathetic sense of humor gets satisfied. Well, I don't want to deal with it, and neither does anyone else." This was not what I was expecting.

"Okay," I said, standing up, but slowly. I felt a little disoriented by the undeserved attack. "Sorry."

"Well…thanks," she said, and immediately lost the fire in her 'sapphire' eyes. Or at least that's what the box said, along with a blurb about how "eyes are the windows to the soul but sometimes these windows need decorating." How did it feel to hate yourself so much you had to become artificial, down to the coloring of your iris?

I left the common room thinking about the nonsense I had to deal with. Hazel had deserted me for Jax but now she demanded my comfort. Melanie had always ignored me and now pestered me for ulterior reasons. Severus Snape had always been the meanest adult I'd known, and now I could not get him out of my mind and it was the best feeling I'd ever experienced. Now Ella went from HBIC to lonely, injured girl. She'd probably heard some of the nasty things I'd said about her before and never forgotten them. But it was still strange.

It seemed the only reason I walked around the castle anymore was to see Severus, and this time was not any different. I was in the dungeons, heading towards his quarters, when I saw him step out of his classroom. He did not see me and turned around to lock the door behind him. I was surprised, and it was a little weird, to see him turn around and lock the door by hand. It made things a little better when he followed the motion with a few gestures of his wand. Then he turned around and saw me. I wanted to run up and jump on him and kiss him. He nodded slightly and turned down the corridors to his quarters. I followed him at a relatively long distance, pondering my dilemma. I was so attached and he was so…not.

He held the door open for me. After I stepped into his room, he repeated the procedures he'd performed on his classroom, only with a few extra wand movements. Then he turned around and placed his hands on my shoulders. He was in the funny mood he'd been in the first night he'd given in to me. That sounded weird to think, almost weird enough to giggle over, but I didn't because he would think I was responding to his touch. Although that too made me want to giggle.

"Hi Raspberry," he said, moving his hands from my shoulders to the sides of my neck, pulling me closer, cradling me against his body.

"I prefer Razz," I told him. I had nothing else to say.

"Razz is a terrible name for you," he said. There was no meanness in his voice, and even if there was I wouldn't have cared. We were so close I could feel his breath on my face when he spoke, and that rendered me numb to feeling anything but happiness. Well maybe a little something else but I knew that feeling would not be fulfilled by Severus, or not until I graduated at least. "If you're going to go through the effort of renaming yourself, it should be a proper name."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I am personally fine with Raspberry." I was surprised to hear him say this. I must have let it show because he laughed a little and said, "I didn't say it's something I would choose for my children, but it's not terrible enough to change it."

"Your children?" I repeated, foolishly. Severus dropped his arms from around me and I really hated myself for speaking. I was still leaning into him, but I didn't want to be the one looking stupid when he severed (ha) all contact so I pulled away and flopped down onto the couch. I stretched my legs out and crossed my right on top of my left, then tilted my head against the arm rest.

"I don't have children," he said. I couldn't see him with the angle my head was at. He sounded a little irritated.

"That's not what I meant," I said, and should have stopped there. But I couldn't. "It just made me wonder if there will ever be a time when you say 'our children' and I already know that there never will be so now I'm thinking about how much longer I have with you and I'm thinking it's not much." I heard Severus walk over to me and I felt him lift up my legs, then sit down and put them in his lap. I took this as a good sign but maybe he was just tired of standing up.

"I will not live through the war." I felt tears pushing at my eyes and I felt stupid for crying so I pushed the heels off my hands into my eyes to attempt to hide my reaction. "Raspberry, we've only been involved for a few days. It's disconcerting you care so much, if I am being perfectly honest."

"I know! It's ridiculous how much of an idiot I am. I've never even really liked anyone before. I just had fun and then left and it was fine. I don't know why I am being so stupid about you." I was ignoring his declaration that he would not live. I could not handle thinking about that.

Severus took my wrists and pulled my hands off my eyes. He tried to meet my gaze but I didn't want him to see my pathetic thoughts. Then he leaned forward and then he was on top of me and kissing me. I could not believe he was doing this, when he was so set on being careful. But then again his kisses lacked passion, and I hardly felt motivated to rip his clothes off. I felt more like he was trying to distract me. But it didn't work, so I was lying there being kissed and thinking about a million sad things. It was pretty awkward.

He stopped soon enough though, and he got up and walked into his bedroom, shutting the door firmly. I didn't know if that was my invitation to leave or not. I didn't want to leave, despite the mess I'd made of the whole thing. If I'd only stayed away like I'd promised myself, none of this would have happened. Three days into our arrangement and I'd already royally fucked up.

I got up and walked out the door.

The next day was blessedly free of Severus Snape. My newfound concentration for school was still in place, but I lacked the enthusiasm I formerly held. I felt embarrassed by my actions the night before. It was this embarrassment that kept me away from him Tuesday and Wednesday night. It had almost convinced me to skip Potions, too, but I knew that would just be immature. He'd acted his usual bastard self during class and this time had not asked me to stay back. Coming back from dinner Thursday evening, I was accosted by Hazel and

"Razz! Tomfoolery is coming Saturday and we want to go on a triple date! You can bring your new boy that you've been hiding." This was Hazel, bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Triple date? With my brother? No thanks. Besides, I…don't think I'm really seeing the guy anymore." This was half a lie but it didn't matter. The less they knew the better.

"Then just come with us," Melanie pleaded. She'd really put on some weight and looked so happy and healthy. In her current state, she was almost prettier than Hazel. She still annoyed me. "Tom really wants to see you." I had a hard time imagining my 21 year old dork of a brother professing his desire to see me. We'd never been close and in our case absence certainly did not make the heart grow fonder. Then again, the less time I spent alone, the less time I'd spend forcing myself to stay away from Severus.

"Fine," I said. "So you're going with Jax, then?" I didn't bother hiding my disapproval.

"No! We broke up Monday, after I talked to you. I'm going with…Harry Potter!" Oh dear God. I still remembered last year when he'd asked her out while she was still going out with Jax. For being so famous and the hope of the Wizarding world, he was incredibly awkward. After she'd turned him down, he'd spent the rest of the year avoiding her.

"He asked you again?"

"No. I owled him and told him I broke up with Jax and I'd been thinking about him. So he said he'd come down Saturday." She seemed so pleased with herself it was a little gross. I just smiled and thought of an excuse to escape. None seemed plausible, so I had to spend the next hour listening to them gush about boys and clothes. Finally, at dinner, I got away from their girlish grasp by eating the meal alone and quickly. When I got up to leave they were barely beginning.

Thursday I could not focus on my school work. I missed Severus too much. It was absolute torture to sit through my study period, knowing I still had Care of Magical Creatures to go through. At least this class I was forced to do something and thus time would pass quickly. And it was a nice 'something' indeed. Hagrid had brought a few unicorns in from the forest and we got to spend the class petting them and drawing. My drawing skills were nonexistent but it was better to spend an hour erasing and drawing a hoof over and over than to spend it wanting to be with Severus. Well, I did that too, but not as earnestly as I had all day.

The finally we were free. I felt like sprinting into the dungeons. But I walked casually back into the castle, even engaging into a little polite conversation with a Gryffindor boy. I thought about the owls Severus had formerly sent and how he had stopped despite his insistence he needed to control when we met. Did that mean this whole time I valiantly kept myself away, I wasn't supposed to go anyway? No, that couldn't be it. Still, I decided to wait until after dinner. It was a hard decision to stick to, but it was just two hours. Just two hours. If I went now, those two hours might be spent making a fool of myself. It was much better to wait.

I spent the time writing essays and drawing up charts but all I really did was imagine different scenarios. Maybe I'd go and he'd not let me in. Maybe he wouldn't be there. Maybe he'd be so happy to see me he'd have sex with me. Ha, yeah. That was not happening. I didn't really want it to happen. As so very attracted to him as I was, a week was not enough time. It hadn't even been a full week.

When the mail came at dinner, I got a letter. It read: I have been trying to respect your need for space but I want to see you. I almost cried out of happiness. He actually wanted to see me, I wasn't just pestering him. My plan to not cling to him had worked. Of course, not really. The past day I'd been consumed with him, and the other days I'd thought of him fairly often. But Severus didn't know that. I did know it was bad to play games but I felt this was necessary. I just resolved to not do it anymore.

I folded up the parchment and stuck it into my pocket. I would dispose of it securely later. After ensuring several times it would not fall out due to my movements, I stood up. As I did so, I got a two second glimpse of Severus. He was deep in discussion with Professor Dumbledore. His hair looked greasy again and hung in strands around his face; he moved his mouth very little as he spoke and he looked irritated and bored. I wondered what they were talking about.

I reviewed that snapshot of him as I made my way back to the dormitory. I changed into Muggles clothes just as I had the first night, the same jeans and a brown cardigan. The outfit made me look older and that was definitely a good thing. I brushed my hair, too, a little too strongly out of nerves.

Despite all the preparations and the familiarity I now had with Severus, I felt anxious walking down to the dungeons. I blamed it on the risk of being seen – which, really, it was surprising it had yet to happen. Maybe wearing Muggle clothes had been a bad idea. If I was spotted, it would make people curious. Well, it was too late to worry about that.

I knocked on his door and my stomach twisted into a million knots. Severus opened the door and smiled and my stomach smoothed itself out in happiness. I once again had the urge to stroke his nose. Instead, I took my usual seat on the couch. He joined me and left no space between us.

"How was your week?" he asked, his eyes trained on mine. My whole body tingled with happiness.

"Not interesting enough to talk about," I said.

"I want to know." I couldn't guess why, but I told him anyway.

"Well Monday was pretty bad, for obvious reasons. Tuesday was good. I transfigured an owl into a pillow, and then back again. I've never really been good at that class so that was cool. If I'm ever tired in a cave, I'll have a comfy pillow if only an owl will fly by. Wednesday was pretty crappy cause A days are always crappy. That's when I have all my hard classes. But at least I get to see you as Professor Snape." Oops. I hadn't meant to say that last bit. When he raised his eyebrows, I elaborated with, "Well, I mean, you act so different in class than when you're here so I just kinda think it's too different people. Not literally, of course, but yeah." He just nodded. "So, how was your week?"

Before he answered, he took my hands in his. Although he kept looking at my face, I watched as his long, pale fingers laced with my short, tan ones. I felt a little embarrassed that his hands were much better looking than mine and he was both male and much older. At least mine weren't fat. After the gesture, Severus said, "Well." I waited for him to continue but he didn't. He released my hands and stood up, his jaw clenched. He pulled up his sleeve and peered at his dark mark. It was ugly and horrible and even though I had known he was a Death Eater, it was terrible to see.

"I have to go," he said. "I apologize. I was looking forward to spending time with you." I felt like it was a bad idea for him to stay even a couple extra seconds.

"It's perfectly okay," I said quickly, trying to smile but still upset by the appearance of the thing on his arm. I had the strong urge to kiss him goodbye, especially with the fact he'd told me he wouldn't live through the war. But I stayed seated as he touched the mark and then was gone. The room felt stupendously empty without him. Although I did curl up on the couch and close my eyes, I'd intended to leave relatively soon. I'd just needed a moment to collect myself. But as the minutes tucked away, I was less and less conscious and soon fell asleep.