'Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.' – Maya Angelou

…

Spencer woke up slowly, pulling and clawing herself out of yet another nightmare – for some reason, it was something that kept occurring on a regular basis recently - only to feel herself pinned to the bed by a weight across her waist and something heavy resting on her shoulder. She attempted a heartfelt scowl even in her half-asleep state, then decided that opening her eyes would be a good first step. She did so slowly, some instinct making her wary. She was glad of her caution moments later when the dim lights of wherever she was seemed to sear her retinas. She waited a few moments before trying again, this time with more success.

"Mm..."

She frowned at the whisper of sound right next to her ear, which seemed to have come from the weight on her shoulder. Blinking slowly, she turned her head - her eyes, probably so weak because of disuse, she decided, barely able to make out the shape of a young woman's face. As she adjusted to the dim light, and to seeing, she was able to differentiate between creamy colored skin and strands of blonde, silky hair. Her eyes widened as her brain, muzzy and unfocused, made the leap to knowing who the owner of that face, and that hair, was. She glanced down, assuring herself that the warm, living weight around her waist was an arm, and the pressure against her side was from a body pressed against her own. She sighed inwardly, but then the panic returned. All she had ascertained so far was that her best friend/fake girlfriend was laying half on top of her.

That very same best friend/fake girlfriend she had oh-so-immensely enjoyed kissing the day before, she reminded herself suppressing a groan.

"Mmm, Spencer"

The sound of her own name got her to turn back to Hanna, but the blonde was apparently still asleep. Thank God for that.

"Hmm..." Hanna moaned again, her hot breath caressing Spencer's neck; her lips brushing her sensitive skin, there.

Spencer rolled her eyes but didn't dare moving an inch, not wanting to wake her up; she tried to settle as comfortably as possible while watching her friend as she breathed slowly and apparently fell back into a deeper sleep. But then Hanna slid a leg between hers and slipped a hand under her shirt, until it came to rest directly onto her lower stomach.

Spencer felt her whole body tensing in response to that, but she was once again distracted as the blonde began to move her pelvis slightly but steadily against her thigh. Her eyes widening in panic – because as much as it flattered Spencer that she was the star of her friend's wet dream, it was still highly inappropriate for her to assist to such a thing - or to let Hanna dry hump her like that, for that matter.

What a way to wake up – on Christmas Eve Day no less.

The youngest Hastings was beyond mortified, and trying desperately to find a way to pull herself out of that situation or to push her friend away as gently as objectively possible. But the blonde repetitive and rather suggestive, though subconscious, movements pushed Spencer's leg a bit further as Hanna's knee came to rest directly up on her inner thigh until it finally brushed on her center, and that was when Spencer literally jolted and snapped into action, all thoughts of gentleness and subtlety gone.

It was all way too much to take in – especially that early in the morning – and definitely enticing. Atrociously tempting, in fact. And that was the last thing Spencer needed right then and there. So she slid out of bed quietly, changed into a fresh pair of clothes that she had previously left into Hanna's closet during one of their many sleepovers, and bolted out of the room, leaving only a vague note behind that said that she had to go home and that she would see Hanna later that night at the Hastings' Christmas party.

She was halfway through her way downstairs and already starting to regret her actions when she bumped into her two very startled, very puzzled best friends.

"Hey, Spence" Emily called out, turning her head over her shoulder to stare baffled at the retreating figure of the other brunette.

"Sorry, gotta run" Spencer yelled back, her hand already to the doorknob. "See ya later"

"Um, sure" the swimmer replied unsurely. "What was that?" She then turned to ask her girlfriend, whom was looking toward the door with a troubled expression.

Alison only shrugged in response. "C'mon babe, let's go before the coffee gets cold" she said a moment later, leaning up to press a quick kiss to Emily's cheek and taking her hand, guiding her upstairs into Hanna's bedroom.

They didn't bother knocking at the door – it would have been useless, seeing as Spencer had left it slightly ajar when she had ran away like that.

"Rise and shine, sleepy head" Emily chirped. "It's Christmas Eve and we've come bearing gifts"

Alison rolled her eyes, both at her girlfriend's antics and her obsession with the Holiday, and at the low guttural groan coming from the girl lying on the bed under layers of covers.

"Good morning" she greeted in a considerably lower tone, as she approached her friend and patted her lightly on where she supposed was her head.

"Spence?" Hanna mumbled sleepily, searching with her hand the empty half of the bed.

"It's Alison and Emily" the former Queen Bee corrected softly, as she patiently waited for the other girl to come around. When one sleep-filled blue eye opened to focus on her, she smiled reassuringly. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay" Hanna rasped.

"Good. Your mom told us that Spencer took good care of you last night" she observed casually, deciding to test the waters.

Hanna nodded slowly. "She…" Her voice trailed off as the events of the last day flashed through her mind. "Oh. My. God" she murmured, and she paled considerably as she remembered both the vivid dream she was having earlier in the morning, and the events of the previous night.

"What?" Emily asked concerned.

"Oh fuck" Hanna groaned softly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. It can't be. Please, tell me it didn't happen"

Realization suddenly dawned upon Alison, as she glanced at Hanna with sympathetic eyes.

"Did I really tell her…?" Hanna asked, her own eyes full of sadness, fear and shame. "And then I…"

"It wasn't that bad" Alison tried to reassure her. "Really"

"I kissed her!" Like, really kissed her.

"Is that a bad thing?" Emily couldn't help but ask as she also understood what was going on. Finally.

Hanna's eyes widened as another memory of the previous day hit her. I felt her up. I… "Oh no. Did I try something? Did I say something stupid? That I… that I'm in lo-"

"We don't know that" Emily said, shaking her head desolately. She felt so helpless, watching her friend's distress. She wanted nothing more than to pull her out of her misery but couldn't. There was only one person who could – that much was clear.

"We didn't see you that much since you were released. The doctors said that you needed to rest, and the only one allowed to be near you full time was Spencer"

"Yeah, you've practically clung to her since the moment you woke up in the hospital"

Hanna groaned and ran a hand through her hair. "You've got to be kidding me"

"She knew what was happening" Emily reassured her patient. "She knew and understood that you were suffering through a bit of amnesia. And she did stay by your side willingly. She wanted to help you. I honestly don't think you have anything to be concerned about"

'Yeah, right'. "But I do love her" Hanna whispered, mostly to herself.

They however heard her, and they both nodded along thoughtfully. Emily was ninety-nine percent sure that the brunette returned those affections; but she knew that it wasn't her place to share, so she instead changed the subject back to the matters at hand.

"Oh, hey, I almost forgot: here's your coffee" she said cheerfully, smiling brightly as she handed over to her friend a Styrofoam cup while producing from her purse a paper bag. "And, cinnamon rolls. My mother baked them for you"

But Hanna merely noticed, as she kept sitting there on the bed and staring off into space. "How can I possibly face her now?" she whispered brokenly, as tears were already pooling in her eyes.

Alison and Emily glanced briefly at each other before rushing to her side, each one of them taking a hold of the blonde in the vain attempt to console their shattered friend.

Trying to be as subtle as possible, Alison quickly pulled out her cellphone from her purse and started texting their other friend, Aria, informing her of the latest developments. Because if someone was able to break through Spencer's walls and have her to open up and admit what all of them already knew, then it had to be the petite brunette. Or at least, she hoped so.

With some luck, by the end of the day they were going to push those two knuckleheads exactly where they belonged: into each other's arms.

…

[Meanwhile]

"Aria, hey" Spencer answered breathlessly her phone as soon as the door of her house slammed shut behind her back.

"Hey, are you alright?" the petite brunette inquired from the other end of the line. "You sound out of breath. Have you been running?"

"Yes" Spencer shot back without thinking. "No" she frowned. "Yes. I think so. I don't know, I-"

"Woah, okay. Calm down. I'm not following you" Aria replied, cutting her friend off. "Yes or no?"

"This is so fucked up"

Spencer heard a heavy sigh and then silence. "Is this about Hanna?" Aria eventually asked, knowingly, and the lanky brunette would have been bothered by this fact hadn't her best friend's voice been so soft and full of concern.

"Is that so obvious?"

"Yes" Aria replied evenly. "What happened now?"

"Yesterday I kissed her" Spencer explained, heaving a sigh. "To be exact, she kissed me. And I kissed her back. Just for a second. Maybe two… I don't know"

"Is that all?"

"What do you mean, 'is that all'?" the brunette snarled indignantly.

"Well, isn't that what girlfriends are supposed to do?" Aria giggled lightly.

"In theory, yes" Spencer snapped. "But you're forgetting that we are not together. It's all in her head and this is such a mess and I'm positively freaking out and you are so not helping right now"

"Okay, okay. You're right. I'm sorry" Aria sobered quickly as she listened to her friend outburst. Truth to be told, she had known right away that something with Spencer was very wrong, and she had tried – but obviously failed – to lighten the mood with her poor attempt at humor. Now she was regretting it sorely, seeing as the brunette had retired into an uneasy silence.

"Spence, are you still there?" she asked after an excruciatingly long pause.

"Am I really that selfish?" Spencer said in a small voice. "Am I really this awful human being? Because I feel terrible, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not living for this symbiotic relation Hanna and I have right now. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I've found my place. And now I have to distance myself, because it's all so wrong. Because she was fragile and I should've taken care of her, not took advantage of the situation"

"Listen to me and listen carefully, because I'm not going to repeat myself: you're a magnificent human being, Spencer Hastings. You're brilliant, compassionate, brave-"

"Aria…"

"No, let me finish" the petite brunette raised her voice. "I think what you've done for Hanna is remarkable. The way you've put aside your own feelings for her sake is the exact opposite of 'selfish'. If anything, it shows just how much selfless and altruistic you really are"

"Even though what I feel…" Spencer shook her head, not quite knowing how to continue from there. "What I feel for her… it's all kind of intense. And I don't want to scare her off. I also don't know if this means anything to her. Tomorrow things might not mean what I want them to mean. Or worse, they'll mean nothing. Tomorrow she might wake up and remember that to her I'm nothing more than her nerdy friend. I should have gone with my gut and not played along. Maybe it's not too late; maybe I still can tell her the truth and-"

"And you think that will solve everything? That pulling away from her would do either of you any good? Distance can't do anything when you can't fight the urge to reach out for the person you're in love with, no matter what" Aria retorted. "Besides, telling her the truth now won't change anything. It won't change the way you feel about her, or even the way she feels about you for that matter"

"What are you saying, Ar?"

"That Hanna got her memory back. Her real memory, I mean. Apparently the confabulation is finally over"

"Oh. That's… great"

"Yeah. And…"

"And?"

"That for once in your life you should trust your heart, not your brain"

Spencer smiled sadly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "What if I told you that, for once in my life, there's never really been a battle between my reason and my heart. That they always both belonged to Hanna?"

And that was the undeniable truth. How was the saying? 'The heart has its reasons, of which reason cannot know'. Right. That Pascal guy was a real genius.

"I'd say that you should run to your girl and tell her. And you may want to use those exact same words while you're at it" Aria suggested, trying really hard to suppress the squeal that was threatening to burst out from the depth of her throat. "Aw, this is so romantic. I'm so happy for you"

"Aria" the brunette sighed. "Are you really sure about this?"

"Positive"

"Alright. I… Thank you, little big one" Spencer whispered hoarsely, her voice full of gratitude and emotion. "I mean it"

"Anytime" Aria replied sniffling, wiping happy tears from her eyes. It finally looked like everything was settling into place, and her best friends were finally going somewhere – hopefully towards their happy ending – and she was just so unbelievably glad for that. She was such a sucker for romance, after all. Sue her. "And I call dibs on Maid of Honor" She added with a teasing tone.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, now" Spencer muttered playfully, then frowned. "Um, anyway. Why did you call? Did you need something?"

"Uh?" Aria asked, sounding honestly dumbfounded. "Ah, um, I can't remember now…"

It was a lie. She didn't want to tell Spencer that had been Alison to text her an 'S.O.S.' just a few minutes prior, affirming that the taller half of 'Team Sparia' needed her other half to talk some sense into her and make her see reason.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that. Well, either way I'm really glad you did call. Sorry, gotta go now. See you later" And with that, she hung up.

'I can do this', Spencer thought. 'Yep. I can do this. Game on, Hastings.'

…

[Later that night, at the Hastings']

Spencer was panicking.

'What the hell was I thinking? I can't do this'

The Christmas party their parents were throwing was in full swing downstairs and yet there she was, confined in her bedroom, pacing back and forth like a caged animal. All the resolution from her previous conversation with Aria long forgotten. Gone the moment she caught a glimpse of the owner of the soft, silky blonde hair she had spent the last few days running her fingers through standing by the door, accompanied by her mother.

And God, she was a sight to behold.

She was wearing a pale blue cocktail dress that hugged her curves perfectly in all the right places and brought out the shimmering light of her eyes; a white shawl was draped over her shoulders and at her feet were a pair of silver three inches stiletto heels. It was a rather simple outfit all things considered, but Spencer found her absolutely breathtaking.

Maybe that was why the brunette had run upstairs, so that her lungs could refill with the air that Hanna managed to stole away from her.

Unfortunately for her, Alison had noticed and had come to the rescue. Or rather, she had come to kick her ass all the way back down, if her menacing glare was anything to go by.

"I swear to God, Spence, if you don't go talk to her this minute I'll-"

"What do you want?"

Alison inhaled harshly, trying to hold back the acid remarks that were begging to come out of her mouth. "So. Damned. Dense" she muttered under her breath exasperatedly. "Seriously, Spencer… you're the dumbest genius I know"

"I'm the only genius you know" said girl replied smugly, though it was more of an act than anything else.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that…" the blonde smirked. "Look, Hanna is crazy about you. I mean, c'mon! If it wasn't obvious before, it sure is now. So what's the real issue here?"

"I don't want to lose her" Spencer confessed. "I can't lose her"

"Hate it to break it to you, but she isn't yours to lose to begin with. Not unless you do something to change that. And she won't wait forever for you to pull your head out of your ass"

"Why should I be the one to make a move first? And what if this, whatever it is, doesn't work out?"

"There's only one way to find out, don't you think?" Alison retorted. "And you should be the one to make a move because she's absolutely terrified right now. She's pretty much convinced that you don't want anything to do with her anymore… and I must say, your constantly pulling and running away from her isn't helping with that line of thinking"

Alison's words may have been harsh, but they seemed to sort the desired effect as suddenly Spencer snapped out of her reverie and sprinted out of the door and towards the staircase.

"Shit, that was fast" the blonde said with a grin, rushing after her cousin.

In less than five second she was downstairs, moving with purpose through the crowd on the lookout for Hanna. She spotted Aria and Emily standing in a secluded corner, immersed in their conversation; they turned around at the same time and waved at her, then their eyes widened simultaneously in understanding, and big goofy grins broke out on their faces when Alison approached and debriefed them.

Spencer nodded curtly and waved off her friends' knowing smirks as she made her way to the living room. Partway there, she spotted Hanna standing in front of the Christmas tree, her back to the people mingling and partying on in the house. Spencer felt a renewed sense of purpose and she slid through the crowd to get to her, touching her elbow lightly to get her attention.

The blonde jumped at the touch but when she turned, instead of relaxing at realizing who it was, she looked even more tense.

"Hey, Han" Spencer said just as Hanna breathed her name. She laughed but the blonde shook her head.

"Spence, I have to get this out"

"Get what out?"

"See, I had been practicing what to say but nothing sounded right. Nothing sounds right still but what it all boils down to is that I have to take a step back from our friendship"

Spencer's stomach dropped, her heart plummeted. "W-What? Why?"

Hanna took a deep breath and averted her eyes, unable to stand the hurt look on the brunette's face. "I was hoping you weren't going to ask why but of course you'd want to know why. Why wouldn't you? It's only natural when your best friend says they can't be friends with you anymore that you would want to know why. Unless you find out that your best friend has been secretly in love with you for such a long time…"

Spencer's breath hitched: had she heard that right? Of course at this point she knew that Hanna had feelings for her, but to actually hear the blonde confirm it… to hear the blonde say that she loved her…

"And then maybe you'd be relieved. Ecstatic even. Especially after the whole fiasco of that confabulation thing, or whatever it's called. God, it's all so embarrassing I don't know how I haven't already fainted, or run away, or something… but, well, the thing is -"

"Hanna" Spencer interrupted softly, smiling involuntarily at how nervous the other girl was. She had heard right, there was only one reason why the blonde would be so anxious that she'd start rambling.

"No, Spencer, I have to get this out. You have to let me get this out or I'm never going to. God, I'm so sorry, this is such a mess and -"

"Han -"

"After all you just came to probably say that you don't want anything to do with me, at least not in that way, and here I am just being the most pathetic -"

"Hanna Marin"

"Excuse for a lovesick human being because that's what I am Spence, I'm lovesick. I'm so sorry, I just - mmph"

This time Hanna was cut off by Spencer's lips crashing onto hers and her eyes grew wide for a fraction of a second before fluttering closed and she gave herself over to the sensation. She didn't know what she'd done to deserve her friend kissing her, but she wanted to do it again and again if this was the result. The brunette's mouth was softer and warmer than Hanna remembered or had ever daydreamed about; the fingers tangling in her hair more deft and demanding, the tongue running along the seam of her lips more insistent and she was more than willing to open her mouth than she had been in her daydreams too - and that was saying something.

They stood making out right there, in the middle of the party, completely lost in themselves until a longing groan rumbled up from Hanna's throat when Spencer bit down gently on the blonde's bottom lip before slowing their frenzied pace until they were giving each other a series of chaste kisses and then resting their foreheads together, both of them breathing hard, Spencer's hands still tangled in Hanna's hair and Hanna's hands having found purchase at Spencer's hips.

"Wow" Hanna breathed, her eyes wide in surprise and her cheeks flushed.

"Wait, you didn't choose this spot on purpose?" Spencer murmured through labored breaths, a small smirk gracing her lips as she glanced up to the ceiling. Surely enough, there was mistletoe hanging over their heads.

"Oh" the blonde whispered, sounding strangely disappointed. "Is that why you…?"

"Hanna" Spencer cut her off. "Can I ask you just this one thing? But you have to answer me honestly"

Hanna hesitated just for a moment, then nodded slowly.

"What do you want for Christmas, Hanna?"

"Just say it" she whispered reassuringly as she closed once again the distance separating them so she could gently lift the smaller girl's chin and force her to look at her. "Tell me" she urged gently, letting her eyes fill with the affection she held for the blonde.

Hanna looked into Spencer's beautiful chocolate eyes and felt her breath knocked from her chest by the love she saw staring back at her. "I… I want…"

The blonde's inability to find the right words was absolutely adorable and Spencer tilted her head encouragingly. "Hmm?"

"You" Hanna whispered, her shoulders slumping in defeat. She couldn't fight what she felt any longer. She wasn't able to resist that look in Spencer's eyes any longer. "I want you. Us"

Spencer was unable to contain the smile that broke free at the blonde's words. She slipped her hand from under the point of Hanna's chin to cradle the side of her face tenderly.

"Hanna" she sighed. She let her eyes dance over the younger girl's face, drinking in her beauty, her strength. She knew how hard it must have been for Hanna to say those three simple words, and she felt her heart swell inside her chest with the knowledge that finally, finally she would be able to do something about her attraction, affection, and, if she was being honest with herself, the love she felt for her.

Hanna's eyes fluttered closed at the feeling of Spencer's hand upon her cheek and she reflexively turned her face into that touch, giving herself over to it as she waited for her absolution or condemnation. The brunette's smile, her tone, were both accepting, but she was still afraid. Her heart began to race in her chest, her fight or flight response kicking in as she struggled to remain where she was and not run away. Her fear had her primed to run, to escape, to flee this potentially disastrous situation – but her hope had her rooted to the spot, shaking imperceptibly as she waited for Spencer's response.

So she waited, with her heart hammering in her chest and her pulse pounding in her ears as she savored feeling of Spencer's hand upon her skin, committing the feeling to memory so that she would be able to remember it forever. She felt the warmth from Spencer's touch spread through her and she was so focused on that soft touch upon her cheek that she at first did not notice the even softer brush of lips against her own.

"Look at me, baby" Spencer whispered as she leaned in and brushed her lips across Hanna's. This kiss was soft, chaste, and simple, but the meaning behind it, the acceptance, the affection it held was unmistakable.

The blonde whimpered softly and opened her eyes to stare into bottomless brown. "Spence" she whispered, the brunette's name spilling from her lips as a prayer. A soft, breathless request for the taller girl to accept her love and protect her heart.

"I want you too" Spencer murmured, watching the other girl carefully, making sure that the blonde understood the sincerity of her words. "I am yours. I love you, Hanna Marin"

Hanna felt her heart skip a beat as the brunette's words soothed her soul, and she smiled softly as she reached out to clasp her hands at the back of her neck. Her uncertainty and fear faded as she read the truth in Spencer's eyes and heard the honesty in her words. As her uncertainty disappeared a small measure of confidence took its place and she pulled the willing girl closer until they were standing hip to hip with each other.

"I love you too, Spencer Hastings" she murmured, completely awestruck. "So very much"

Spencer wet her lips as her gaze flicked down to the smiling blonde's mouth and she felt that familiar pull low in her stomach as she watched Hanna's tongue slip between her plump lips.

"Merry Christmas, Hanna" she husked.

The blonde smiled shyly as she leaned in so their lips brushed lightly against each other once more. "Merry Christmas, love" she whispered, as she closed that final distance separating them and captured Spencer's lower lip gently between her own.

…

A/N: Hey there! Just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas (albeit belatedly). Hope you are having/had a wonderful time, full of love and joy.

Also, thank you all for taking your time and reading this little story of mine. If you're wondering, there are two more chapters to it – epilogue included. So yeah, that's all for now. Again, happy Christmas everyone!