Chapter 4
Kate Beckett is lost in her thoughts dreading completely the content of Castle's letter. She reached her floor, when she look up, she saw Josh about to knock in her front door.
'Josh?'
'Kate, I heard what happen to Castle in the news? I came as soon as I heard. Are you okay? I know his you're friend.' Josh went up to her and hugged her, his face etched with concern.
Kate felt awkward. She appreciates it but she doesn't think it's his comfort that she needs right now and she needs to do something but she can't do that if he's here. Even though Castle's letter scares her, deep inside of her she really wants to know what's inside the letter and she wants to call Will if he's looking into Castle's case already.
'Thanks, I'm ok. Isn't it your shift tonight?' Kate looked up to him, hopeful that he just checked on her.
'Yes, but I cancelled it so I can accompany you.' He put his arms around her shoulder and pulls her inside her place after she opened the locks.
Kate just nodded at him silently.
'Come on, let's get you inside. You need to eat and to get some sleep. You looked as if; you haven't slept the whole day.' Beckett wanted to argue but knows that he doesn't get her the way Castle does. And she's also not being fair to Josh, so the least that she can do is be nice to him.
'Yeah, are you sure? It's alright for you to be here?'
'Of course, so stop being stubborn and listen to me.' Josh ordered her and it made her think she doesn't like it because next thing she knows, he's going to start controlling her and Castle never did that to me. I get to order him but she's going to let it slip just this once.
MORNING
Kate woke up from her radio alarm clock. She looks at the time, and saw it's 4 in the morning. At first she felt as if she wasn't in her own apartment and realized that this is her new apartment ever since the last one blew up. She dreamed of Castle saving her the last time, when they we're both working with Jordan Shaw to catch Scott Dunn. She doesn't remember all the details of her dream but just Jordan's words that she may not be ready to hear it but Castle cares for her. She thought she was really oblivious and in denial then. Wait, let me rephrase that, she's still in denial.
She remembered Castle's letter and immediately retrieve it from her desk drawer. Josh asked about it last night and just told him, it was something from the case she's working on. She didn't lie; it is from Castle's case. She just didn't tell him that it's Castle's letter for her.
Dear Kate,
I know you're wondering why I am writing to you in the first place. I am wondering myself. I can name a thousand excuses if I want to and I'm pretty sure you will think it's so arrogant of me. Fear nothing Detective, for I will try my hardest to keep this letter humble, full of humility and gratitude to you.
She opened the letter and saw Castle's legible hand writing. She read the first paragraph and it made her smile thinking that it feels like she's just talking to Castle in front of her.
When Alexis is just a little girl, I always bring her with me everywhere I go. Now she's a grown up, I had to suffer the fact that in the near future, she's going to leave me for her one and done. I'm missing all the things we used to do. She's my world. Everything I do, I do for her sake always but I never expected this that I would yearn for you the way a blind person will passionately read a book with Braille. I hope that I could put you in my pocket so I could be with you and never part for a single moment even though we'll both be sick of each other.
She got to the second paragraph and thought she really loves the way Castle is with Alexis. He's such a sweet and great father. Her heart starts beating wildly when she realized where the letter was going. He wanted to be with her all the time and she feels the same way. Unshed tears materialized below her eyes and slowly crept down her cheeks. Despite the tears she laughs at the fact, that they would be sick of each other.
Ever since you came to my life, you turned my life upside down, you crawled under my skin without me knowing it, you get on my nerves all the time, and best of all the things that happened, you got into my heart. You might not believe this for all the flirtations and innuendos I've thrown your way and basing it in my track record. You won't believe it much further because I gave up when Demming came along but I came back didn't I? I also realized how stupid it was to try to live my life without you, and how hard and painful to live day by day without you. Watching you with him really hurt me in a way I could never explain. It's a new feeling. I guess that's the best description of how it feels like to really love and care for that someone and you're losing her to someone else. I think everyone deserves a resting ground after being hurt so thoroughly. The fact of life is that everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to make sure that the person is worth the pain. So what I feel right now doesn't matter because you're worth it. You're worth the pain. So no matter how many times you say no to me, or reject all my forwarding to you, I'm going to stand up and love you more always.
People would ask us if we are together, and I will always say, "Not yet". I really believed that in the end, we'll eventually get there but it is a wrong notion to believe just because you don't date, I don't date, and we have something special.
I can't believe it but from the moment I've met you, you have me wrapped in the palm of your hands now until forever. Forever? Forever is such a long time. It doesn't really set a place to start and end which is exactly the point. I believe that any person is capable of loving someone so much as long as they permit themselves, which I am to you.
I can't promise you anything. I can't guarantee that I'm not going to hurt you, or make you cry, only that you will always be the one who holds my heart. This is not an empty promise, this is all in my heart even though logically you can't literally hold them, and you could only feel them. I will make sure that I'm going to love you the way no one has ever loved you before even if you belong to Josh now.
Let this be the way for me to have some release deeming my feelings for you. I promise I will always come back to stay by your side as your friend you can count on always.
Kate couldn't take it anymore. The third paragraph is really bittersweet to read. She told herself she doesn't want to go back to the way she was when Castle left for the summer with his ex-wife but now finding out that he tried to get away from her for a while now to fix himself, and promising he'd be back to be on her side always is just cruel but he wants to do it anyway because she's worth it. Maybe he's right; nobody could really love her as much as he does. She never meant to hurt him when she was with Demming, but now that she's with Josh, she never meant to hurt him too. She's just protecting herself from getting hurt again, and she's trying to love Josh so she could bury her feelings for Castle for good. Maybe she did a good job protecting her self but she accomplished something else as well, she managed to push away the person who cares so much about her.
Oh Rick, we do have something special. I'm so sorry for denying it for a long time. Kate hugged the letter to her and looked at the piece of paper as if her life depends on it. Please come back to me. I'm going to correct all my stupidity. I can't promise I won't be stubborn but I will let you in my life because you're already in my heart. I will let you love me. I will let myself love you. We're going to have more time together from now on. You can always count on me to be there for you. Please come back to me.
Her phone started to ring. At first she ignored it but she thought that maybe it's about Castle. She looks at the phone and saw Will's name in the screen. She quickly wiped her tears and cleared her throat and wished she sounds convincing.
'What did you find?' Kate didn't bother saying hello.
Will thought something is different with her voice. Is she crying? How am I going to say this if she's already crying as if he's already gone? 'Kate, I'm sorry but there's no news about Castle yet but I did found something when I was looking at the seating arrangements.'
He waited for Kate's reaction but she didn't say anything. 'Castle was seated at the middle of the plane. He's beside the window. You're not going to like this but it's possible that when the plane was ripped into half, he must have fell in the sea. He's seatbelt was torn off and there's blood in the upper part indicating his got a head injury and it's also possible that while the plane is in turbulence, the plane must've shaken him off like a rag doll very badly.'
'Will, don't! Stop! I don't believe you! There's got to be other possible answers here. I refuse to believe that he's gone. You can't tell me his gone! This is Castle we're talking about. He's got a child and his mother waiting for him to come back. Just because there's blood and it's in the upper part, it's a head injury. It could just be something else; he might just have cut himself accidentally. He's somewhere; you're just looking at the wrong place.'
'Kate… Kate… calm down. I'm sorry. We pretty much exhausted every avenue. Nobody from the town saw someone of Castle's description, the people doesn't know him. The town seems to be in an under civilization. '
'Don't tell me to calm down, he's my partner, he's my friend.'
'I know. I'm just telling you what I found out. I'm going to make some calls. I promise I will bring him back to you. Seeing that he did reel you in and he seems to be really important to you.' Not that his bitter, but he still want a chance with her, but knows he ruined what they have for good when he left. He wants her to be happy and if Castle is the one who can make her happy, then he'll make it happen.
Kate started sobbing at the other end of the phone and she hanged up on him.
Along came the strains of the song, she always ignored because it says too much about her. It always makes her upset, but now it made her cry more.
When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart and I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist
But darling, you are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception
You are the only exception