Author's Note:

Thank you for all reviewers! You made my day! Blacklist is never mine. It is the property of Jon Bokenkamp and friends and NBC. The following story has references from some my favourite scenes of season 1-3, except for the end scene of Ressler and Samar in S0307 of course. So, hope you enjoy! All reviews are welcome!

Chapter 4

Broken

Liz and Samar agreed to go to the Wing Yee that night. They ordered mild snack and drink, and talked a lot – about a recent case and the associated blacklister – until Liz could not hide her curiosity any longer.

"Can I ask you something more personal?" she asked.

"Go ahead." Samar said.

"After I was arrested, I learned that Ressler fired you. Now I see you are back and your friendship is still intact – like nothing has ever happened. What exactly has happened between you two?"

Samar smirked.

"Why are you asking this, Liz? What do you really want to know?"

"You see... I just hope that somehow our friendship can be mended... after all I've been doing... I've been talking to you, Aram, Cooper, and Red... It's all been hard. You were the easiest to talk to. Red is the hardest but at least I know him. I know his feelings. We've been talking much. I feel the resolution. But Ressler... he's just different. He's definitely angry... but he's out of reach. I feel he buries something. We talk mostly about the job. I can't get any deeper."

Samar laughed.

"If you know him at all, you will know that he tends to bottle his emotions up to the point of explosion. I guess for him action speaks louder than words."

Liz was silenced. She remembered how scared she was of his reaction after the death of his fiancee, when he almost killed Bobby Jonica. She thought he loved his job so much that he could forget Audrey fast enough until she finally found his addiction and sat with him in the back of an ambulance for hours after the Mombasa Cartel case. She remembered how he was so determined to manage his addiction on his own even after her knowledge and offering help, or how she had to stop him for roughing Tom up more when they looked for information about Berlin.

"Liz?" Samar cut her trailing of thoughts.

She looked only to find Samar's sad smile to her.

"I don't understand you either. I want to know the logical reason behind your choice for running with Tom by faking your death instead of being honest to us, at least to him. He deserves that – after all his actions for you."

Liz felt such an uneasy feelings in her chest, especially after Samar said '... all his actions for you'.

"Look, I believe Ressler will do the same thing for every one of us, for you, Aram, even for Red, if you ever trap in the same situation like me. He's Mr.-I'm-just-doing-my-job, remember?" Liz said even she herself could detect only half of certainty in her voice.

Samar chuckled.

"Really? You're gonna give me that?" She asked.

Liz sighed.

"From what I see, Ressler, Red, Tom, Cooper, Aram, and you... all of you have worked very hard in exonerating me. I do really appreciate it and I am sorry for panicking and doing what I thought was right at that time to protect what I thought the only family I knew."

"Yes... I know what it's like to lost a family..." Samar said, remembered his brother. "I can understand that. But what I don't understand is you and Tom. Why you're always drawn to Tom Keen – or whatever name he has – is a one million question to me."

Liz wanted to say something, but Samar waved her hand and added. "And I don't think you clearly know what Ressler has done to exonerate you."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think I don't know that he's a complicit? He broke some rules, Liz, for you. I don't think he loves his job very much if it means putting you in dangerous situation. He allowed you go in the first place before you shot Connolly, was ready to start a war with the Russian despite a direct order for not to, and was consciously eager to resign from the task force in order to save you from the convoy that was planned bringing you to Moscow. I certainly could never forget how he even almost got me killed by his own hand when we're in the process of searching you and Reddington."

"He what?" Liz asked in surprised.

"If you don't believe me, you can ask Aram. As time got by, his motive behind his just-doing-his-job thing was clearer. I think he didn't want to be perceived as protecting you because otherwise he could possibly be replaced by someone else whose decision would not be influenced by personal opinion about you. I'd seen your case attracting international attention, Liz. His acts had been scrutinized by many people whose had their own agenda, including the Director and people involved with Cabal. So, he must have acted as if he did not care – like he was ready to arrest you. When you falsified your death for the first time, he was in Presidential commission hearing. He – for a second was thinking you'd really gone. And he admitted to us – me and Aram – that he was scared of losing you.. He thought that if you continued on the run with Reddington, your chance for getting hurt or killed was greater."

Liz was stunned. 'I've never known that...'

"You must have known that Ressler disliked Tom, right? I don't blame him for that. While I've never really had experienced with Tom before, Ressler told me how Tom hurted you, betrayed you, and put all the Task Force member in danger because of his association with Berlin. He told me about who was her name – Agent Malik, right? – who got killed at that time, not to mention of how worried he was about Cooper condition in the hospital for days. Yet, he was willing to work with Tom to bring Karakurt back to help your case. After your second death, I saw him alone in his office at night, mourning. He himself told me he didn't even grieve over Audrey – his fiancee – but that night ... seeing him like that ..."

Liz waited. Her heart was beating faster. But Samar did not continue.

"Like what?" Liz encouraged her to continue. She felt her throat dry.

"Broken." Samar gazed at her. "It was almost in the same condition as in the day when he found you had a meeting with Tom while on the run, then later found Cooper chose to work with Tom without his knowledge despite the fact that he had told Cooper previously about rejecting Tom's offer. He must have loved you so, then felt so loss after that case with Tom and Cooper, because..." Samar stopped again and realized that she had talked too much.

"Because of what, Samar?" Liz pushed her. A mixed of worry and bewilderment tinted her increasing voice.

Samar shook her head.

"Look, the point here is he cared about you a lot whether he would admit that or not. If it wasn't love I didn't know what it was. They said love could kill. Maybe it's true. I believe Tom has killed many for you... Ressler had let Red almost killed someone suspected as Kirk – broke the rules again. The difference is Ressler always has his inner fight – against himself – because he works within the law. While Tom, well Tom can do whatever he wants whatever the consequences. Ressler will think whether what we do will give you a normal life – a real one. You might think it will be so dull, but do you really want an excitement in terms of being hunted forever, Liz?"

Samar sighed. She felt exhausted. "We have to go. It's almost midnight here."

"No. You haven't finished yet. I want to know what happened after that – after Tom and Cooper... Did Ressler use his painkillers again?"

"What? No, Liz!"

"Then what? Please, tell me."

"What if you asked him yourself and you both can talk about your feelings?"

"No, I told you before. I've tried and failed."

"Then, just face it. Ressler despised betrayal or lies – it's what made his father killed. It will take a lot of efforts to gain his trust again. The fact that he fired me after I helped you despite what had happened between us says it all. For your information Ressler didn't do anything to help me get my job back. He once told me he wouldn't want me back. So, even though you see we're okay, actually we're trying to be okay for the sake of the job. The task force has never been the same since you decided to run. I got to go."

Samar left her speechless.

Liz was overplaying her conversation with Samar that night in her room. She did not change her clothes, did not shower or washed her face, did not feel sleepy, could not forget everything Samar said. Then she decided to do something out of her confusion, concern, and guilt. She took her phone, dialed a number. After waiting for a while someone answered.

"Aram. It's me, Liz."

"Uh.. Agent Keen... it's ... uh ... morning..? Something's wrong?"

"No, Aram. Sorry to wake you up. I'm confused.."

"No, it's fine. I was in the middle of bad dream after all... you see ..." he started telling her about his nightmare. Liz laughed a little. Aram had been Aram. She hurted him. He got angry, dissapointed. But he tried to understand her, decided to give her another chance.

"Oh, I'm sorry, why are you calling?" he asked.

Liz let her phone fell to her bed. The conversation just ended. Her hands were shaking a little. Her tears were flowing down her face slowly. She felt sick. Aram's words creeped back into her mind.

'Agent Navabi was just lost his brother... his ex-boyfriend was hospitalized in a critical condition...'

'uh... Agent Ressler said he was in hurry...he missed a button...'

'I believe that they have a night together... uh... an intimate one ... or a passionate one... I... I don't want to think about it... '

Liz sobbed. Even when she learned about Gina Zanetakos, she did not remember of having this feeling. 'What is this? Was this what you feel, Ress? ' She could not help but wondering herself.

She did not know how long she was asleep. When she opened her eyes she found Reddington's sad eyes looking at her. His hand carressed her face slowly.

"Don't you think it's about time to tell Donald the truth only the three of us know, Lizzie?" his voice was thick with concern.