Where Do We Go From Here
Out in the corridor, Caroline waited to hear the click of the night latch. Then slumped softly against the door closing her eyes again. That had gone better than she might have hoped given what had transpired between her and Kate on the dance floor. Laurence was growing up before her eyes and she hadn't noticed. Not as she had noted the change in William since his return from university. She really must find a way to pay more attention to them both. They were growing up so fast. Before she knew it they would be adults.
Still leaning against the door to the boys room, Caroline's thoughts turned to Kate and how working things out with her would impact her available time and attention to give the boys. She must stay mindful and be sure they were not short changed. KATE! Kate was waiting in her room. Was she wondering what was taking Caroline so long? Was she growing impatient? Please God, she hadn't changed her mind and gone.
Caroline pushed off the door so swiftly that in two strides of her long legs she was at the door to her room. Taking the key from her pocket, she tried fitting it into the lock only to find that once again she missed. Her hands were shaking so, that trying again and then again, she failed to insert the key into the lock. Slumping, she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself enough to open the door to her own room. Unexpectedly the door opened and there stood Kate, her head tilted enquiringly.
Caroline stood transfixed, gazing at Kate. She was still here. Waiting for her. Not grown impatient and gone. Thank God. But once she stepped through this door, stepped into her future with Kate there was so much to be dealt with. The past and all of the things they had gotten wrong, both of them hurting each other. And the future with all there was to be worked out between them. So many people to be taken into consideration with every step they would take, the boys, her mother, Kate's family, the baby. THE BABY.
Kate had been smiling as she opened the door, having heard Caroline's key at the lock, intending to make a joke of her failure to unlock this door again. The swift passage of expressions across Caroline's expressive face from concentration on the lock, to surprise then to consternation caused Kate's smile to fade and she reached out to pull Caroline through the door so she could close it.
"Caroline? Caroline! What is it? Are you alright?" Kate noticed that the hand she held was more than trembling, it was shaking. Her voice full of genuine concern, Kate pulled Caroline toward the sofa in front of the fireplace grabbing the extra blanket from the foot of the bed as she passed. "Come in, sit down. I'll turn on the fire. It's electric. It won't take long to warm. " Kate shook out the blanket and wrapped it around Caroline's shoulders before pressing her down onto the sofa. Quickly moving to the fireplace she adjusted the setting before seating herself next to Caroline. Taking cold hands into her own Kate began chaffing them, waiting for Caroline to stop shaking. Caroline struggled to regain her composure, watching the golden brown hands on her own. Finally, the warmth of the blanket, the fire and Kate's hands on hers began to take effect.
"Sorry. Sorry, it's just been quite a long day. I've not been drinking," she assured Kate, "only orange since dinner. It's just all been so unexpected." Summer sky blue eyes full of wonder fastened onto Kate's face, "You, coming back. After all the…" Then eyes on Kate's lips she said softly, "Kissing you again." Caroline's face softened remembering the sweetness of kissing Kate again, followed swiftly by dismay, "In front of everyone. Oh Kate," Then she began laughing ruefully at herself, eyes once again on Kate's.
Kate smiled an apology for the abruptness of her return. "You did seem to recover from it fairly well. Introducing me to all your friends and family as if you'd been planning it all along." Tilting her head and giving Caroline a warm look, Kate told her in the old admiring voice, "You really are magnificent, Caroline."
Caroline looked quickly into Kate's soft brown eyes. She saw sincerity but just hours before Kate had walked away from her again. The strain of spending the afternoon and evening tracking Kate's position in the room relative to her own, watching her from the corner of her eye, seeing her talking and laughing with everyone but herself had taken a toll. Could she rely on this new Kate? Well, the old Kate actually. Did Kate really think she was magnificent? How could it all change so quickly?
Caroline stiffened. Throwing back the blanket, she walked over to the fireplace gazing down at the artificial logs. Did Kate think that she could just waltz back in and after a few kisses, and a little charm, everything could just go back to the way it was? The way it was before all the coldness? Before the last time they were both in this hotel? It seemed to have been working that way so far tonight, hadn't it? No, Caroline knew that too much had happened between them for it to be this simple. Turning to look at Kate, drawing her shoulders down as she often did to calm herself or take courage, both of which she needed very much at the moment, Caroline lifted her chin and issued her own challenge to Kate. She spoke in much the same tone that Kate had used when asking her to dance. "What brought you back here tonight?"
Kate had hoped they wouldn't need to go into this tonight, hoped that reunion would be enough for now. But she knew Caroline better than that didn't she? Knew that she would have questions, a need to understand what was happening. She wouldn't be Caroline otherwise, would she? Aware of this, she'd been rehearsing in her mind, behind the wheel, all the way up here from Harrogate knowing that if her return went as she hoped, it would come to this. Using the same soft tender voice she'd used to tell Caroline how magnificent she was, Kate said simply, "I never stopped loving you Caroline. But today, I fell in love with you all over again."
Caroline seated herself in an armchair, within the fireplace grouping, but at the opposite end of the sofa from where Kate sat. She didn't trust herself to be too close to Kate and continue this discussion. Much as she wished they didn't have to go into this now, Caroline knew that they couldn't really move forward until there was some kind understanding between them.
Seeing the 'Dr. Elliot' expression Caroline used on recalcitrant students, ready to give them a fair hearing but clearly taking no nonsense, Kate knew that her hour of reckoning had arrived. Taking a deep breath, she began, "I realize that this may have seemed abrupt to you but in fact it has been building ever since last fall when you came to my house with flowers." Seeing Caroline's skepticism, Kate went on quickly, "I know I didn't accept your offer to try again." Somewhat indignant, "I'd just left your house after taking Laurence home. John opened the door like he lived there, answered the phone leaving me on the doorstep and then closed the door in my face with barely a thank you." A little defiantly, "I could see that nothing had changed." Controlling trembling lips with an effort, "I couldn't subject my child to all the drama and angst in that house, in your life." Kate's brown eyes pleading with Caroline for understanding, "No matter how much I longed to take you in my arms that day and ease the pain and anguish I could see on your face."
Caroline hadn't known what had happened when Kate brought Laurence home but she could easily picture the scene Kate had described and nodded her acceptance of this judgment.
Seeing this, Kate went on wonderingly, "and then last week, you just appeared at the hospital. I was so scared and there you were. Even though we'd barely spoken in weeks, here you were beside me, trying to reassure me, offering to go in with me. I was so glad to have you there, Caroline." Looking down for a moment, embarrassed, "then I just let you go. I was so overwhelmed with fear over the baby and then relief and, well, just emotion that I was hardly thinking clearly."
Raising her face again, "Later it came to me what your schedule must have been like that day, so close to the end of the term. What you walked away from to be with me. What that might mean about your feelings for me. I know you have a highly developed sense of responsibility but somehow it felt like more than that.
When I looked back on it, I remembered your face as you watched the monitor just before I dropped your hand. I hadn't taken that expression in then. I'd only realized that I had your hand and the position it put you in. So, I let go of you. I wanted you to take my hand back but I'd already blown it. I figured that was it." Kate's eyebrows rose as she gave a little shrug. "How many times could I really expect to reject you before you stopped offering? I'd already snubbed you three times." Seeing Caroline's face, Kate said softly, "yes, I didn't forget to count the time you came to my classroom to find me. The week after my birthday."
Caroline, trying to take in that Kate had wanted her, could say nothing. Seeing this Kate went on.
"Then a couple of days after… the scare, your Mum called me. Asking me to play the piano at her wedding." Smiling a little at the memory, "she asked me right off if I would play, but before I could reply she went on talking. She was very chatty as if we had been old friends and she was catching me up on all the news. She told me John had been out of the house since before William went off to university in the autumn, that you had filed for divorce, put the house up for sale and she and Alan were looking at bungalows between Harrogate and Halifax. Then she told me that she was worried about you, how sad you'd been for ages now. She thought you worked too hard and on top of that you were packing up the house not to mention putting on the wedding for her and Alan. By the time she finished, I knew she was telling me that she wouldn't stand in the way of us if ever…" Kate's face once again struggling for composure, " if we should…" Taking a deep breath, and shrugging, "so how could I say no to her then?"
Caroline said softly, "So, you came today to play the piano."
Kate nodded, scooting forward to the edge of the sofa, elbows on knees, "I couldn't take my eyes off you today. You were so beautiful walking your Mum down the aisle. Holding her flowers. Being the consummate hostess, seeing to your guests, consulting with the hotel manager, mothering your boys, watching over Alan's family, being everywhere at once all day."
Caroline's face registered her confusion. She had been watching Kate all day and never had she found Kate's eyes on her. "You…? When…? How…?"
Kate smiled wryly, knowing how many times she had looked away just in the nick of time - she had hoped. "I had the advantage of you didn't I? You were on display and I was on the sidelines, watching."
Caroline gave Kate a 'why you little bugger' look which immediately changed to confusion. "But you just left. After dinner you just left."
Kate looked at her hands, "I was a coward. I chickened out. When I found you to say goodbye I couldn't think of a thing to say. Not in that setting. Not with… all the past." Looking at Caroline again, her head still slightly lowered, "On the way back to Harrogate I tried to convince myself that it wouldn't have been fair to start that conversation with you at the wedding. Tried to convince myself that you wouldn't have me anyway, not after… everything. As I was driving down my street, almost home, I started thinking about your speech tonight." With the love light shining in her face, Kate continued, "Seeing you all bashful and charming, so witty, talking about your Mum. Caroline, I was so proud of you. I let myself think about how much I still missed you. I let myself realize what it would mean to live the rest of my life without you." Blinking back tears Kate went on, "Not being able to look to you, never again to get lost in your blue, blue eyes..." Her voice choking off, Kate stopped.
Seeing Caroline's chin pulled back in incredulity, Kate swallowed and went on, "I walked into my empty house and I knew I couldn't bear to wait for an opportune moment to see if you would have me back. I couldn't have a 'Happy Christmas' without you. I couldn't have a happy anything without you. It was all so dry and lonely." Shrugging, "I just got in the car and drove back up here."
Caroline was moved now, her face and the cords in her neck working to maintain her composure. Kate had gradually slid down the sofa toward her. Caroline only had to lean in now to take that lovely face between her hands and kiss it. And she wanted to. So much. Wanted just to kiss Kate, wrap her arms around her and never let her go. Forget everything that had happened in the past and start from here. But wasn't that just what had gotten them into trouble in the first place? Not talking things through, sweeping it all under the rug.
Quickly wiping tears from her cheeks with her fingers, Caroline steeled herself to resist reaching for Kate. Her face became tender and she leaned her own elbows earnestly on her knees. "Kate, as much as I would like nothing better than to let bygones be bygones and," closing her eyes for a moment, "just kiss you and pretend none of this had ever happened," her face contorted, "that wouldn't be good for us," and looking pointedly at Kate's distended belly, "it wouldn't be good for her either." Seeing Kate's fallen face, Caroline quickly took her hands and held them tight, hurrying on, "I'm not saying we don't have a future, I'm only saying that we can't rush through this part. If we do it will only haunt us in the future." Pleadingly, "Can you see that?"
Shaking the two hands gripped in hers and moving her face to track with Kate's eyes, "We've hurt each other so much. There is such a lot to talk about between us. We can't just ignore that." Another desperate shake of the clasped hands, "You do see that don't you?"
Penetrating blue eyes found and held the liquid brown eyes now brimming over. Caroline gripped Kate's hands even tighter and said through gritted teeth, her voice fierce and a little choked, "Kate, I want you so much I can taste it. I just don't want to get it wrong this time. I don't think I could live through losing you again."
The depth of Caroline's feelings reached Kate, she saw the love and earnestness with which these words had been spoken. She could only nod and squeeze Caroline's hands back.
Caroline expelled a deep breath and went on, "I'm not saying we have to do this tonight. We couldn't. There is far too much to say. Besides it is late." Touching Kate's cheek tentatively, "I can see you're tired." Then mischievously on a laugh almost like a sob, "After all you are a 42 year old pregnant woman." Only after she saw Kate's suppressed smile and the mock warning look in her eye as a response did Caroline's breathing begin to return to normal.
Sobering, Caroline looked down at Kate's hands in her own. "Kate, I'm no psychologist, but I have been doing a bit of reading…" Seeing the twinkle in Kate's eye, Caroline gave a little shrug and tilted her head, an embarrassed look on her face, "Well, you know me and research. I wanted to be prepared in case I… we… got the chance to work things out between us." Kate's look changed to one of love and admiration as she marveled at this act of faith on Caroline's part. Caroline went on. "It is likely in these kinds of situations for both parties to have grief and anger to deal with in addition to the pain and hurt they have experienced." Stopping herself, Caroline realized that this sounded as though it had come directly from a textbook. Closing her eyes and shaking her head at herself, she looked back at Kate, "Look, the point is... what I want to say is… What I need to ask is… Stopping to close her eyes for a moment, Caroline tried again, "Can you be patient with me for a little while yet?"
"Kate, we've so much to talk through and I have commitments for tomorrow through Boxing Day. Probably you do too. But the boys are going to be out of town from Thursday afternoon until sometime on Sunday. Could we spend some time together? Talking, getting to know each other again? Can you be patient with me while I make Christmas for them?" Rushing on, "I'd like it if you could come over tomorrow, any time you have free.
Kate said slowly, "I do have plans with my Mum and my Dad for tomorrow. After that I'm pretty open." A suggestive look that Caroline remembered well came into Kate's eye, "What did you have in mind?"
Caroline found that she needed to swallow before she could speak, "I wondered if I could come and see you. It'll be quieter at yours, fewer interruptions. Is that…? Would that be all right?"
Kate said, "Course, of course."
Caroline gave her the bashful smile Kate found so captivating, her voice rising an octave, "So, is that… is that all right?"
Kate asked, "So Christmas with the boys tomorrow?"
Caroline grinned ruefully, "And the rest of my now expanded family. I've invited Gillian, Raf, Ellie and the baby for Christmas dinner and to spend the night. Mum, Alan and Ted will be next door so they will be there too. And, I'm giving them brunch before they all head out on Thursday.
Kate's eyes opened wide, "Gee" was all she could find to say.
Caroline rolled her eyes, "I know, I know, I was going with the don't think, keep busy plan at the time." Then, her eyes shining, "Could you come and spend Christmas night with me?"
"Oh Caroline, won't you have enough on without adding me to the mix?"
Looking at Kate's lips, then into her eyes and back to her lips again, Caroline said "Adding you to the mix is just what I will be looking forward to."
Kate's eyes scanned Caroline's face lovingly, as she said softly, "Sure. If you want me."
Caroline, again eyeing Kate's lips, "Oh, I want you." With that, the lips that had been gravitating closer and closer met tenderly. Their kisses deepening as Caroline knelt to bring them closer, her hands on either side of Kate's face. Tongues touching tentatively, tasting, then melting into one another, but when Kate's hands came up her rib cage and pressed against the sides of her breasts, Caroline moved her mouth to the side with a gasp, her cheek pressing and kissing against Kate's smooth cheek instead of her mouth, her hands moved down Kate's arms to bring the caressing hands from her body back to Kate's lap as she tried desperately to think.
There was no doubt about the powerful feelings she had for this beautiful, intelligent, gentle woman. But feeling like this hadn't been enough before. They had to get it right this time, for everyone's sake. She couldn't afford to blow it again.
Her breathing still labored, Caroline said, "Kate." Her face contorting with the effort, she pulled back to look into Kate's desire filled face. Picking up Kate's hands one by one and kissing them then pressing them to her cheeks, Caroline said, "Kate, I'm sorry. I can't. Not yet." Fear and apology in her gaze, "Not tonight. I'm sorry." Once again tracking with eyes that started to look down, Caroline's voice tender, not quite shy, not quite pleading, "Kate, will you come to bed with me? Let me hold you?" Then almost a whisper, "I need to hold you, Kate."
Kate replied softly, "Yes, Caroline."