Hello :) I got a job so updates will probably slow down a bit. Thanks for reading!
Chapter 4.
"What do you think I should do?"
Brittany rested her chin on her palm, her leg bouncing up and down nervously as she watched Santana pace up and down the room. She noted how Santana's fingers were curled tightly around the phone as if it was the only thing keeping her grounded. A sad feeling squeezed her heart and she let out a trembling breath, wishing she could somehow absorb Santana's pain and bear it herself. Anything would be better than seeing the woman she loved like this.
"I'm not sure if it's a good idea, Andrea." Santana pressed her hand against her forehead, as if it would somehow get her thoughts back in order. Brittany pursed her lips, observing her silently from where she was sitting at the kitchen counter. She looked tired, and Brittany noticed the redness around her eyes. When she spoke, her voice sounded small. "I guess you're right."
Brittany wondered what Andrea was telling her. When Brittany had asked her what she wanted to do this morning, it had been clear to her that Santana really wanted to visit her grandmother but still, she needed some kind of reassurance and Brittany understood. So she sat there quietly, allowing Santana to stress, to worry, even though it pained her. She waited patiently, chewing on her bottom lip, until Santana ended the call.
"San?" She called out softly when Santana just stood there for a while, blankly staring ahead, seemingly deep in thought. She could usually read her wife like an open book and it scared her when she got like this; so closed off. Swallowing down the feeling of dread that coursed through her body, she pushed herself to her feet and carefully walked up to the brunette. "What did she say?"
Santana turned towards her, head hanging slightly in defeat. "She thinks I should try if I want to."
Brittany nodded, both in understanding and agreement. She slipped her arm around Santana's waist, pulling her closer and gently kissing her cheek. It felt useless. She felt useless. No words she offered could make this better for Santana and she hated it. The only thing she could do was hope that her small touches of comfort helped somehow.
"And what do you think?"
Santana shrugged tiredly, lifting her hand to tuck some strands of hair behind her ear, distracted. "I'm scared."
"I know, honey." Brittany murmured, squeezing her waist affectionately. She thought about how rare it was to see Santana like this, so vulnerable, and she didn't like it at all. Yet, she was happy that she was the one who got to see this side of her. She knew Santana trusted her with her heart and if there was one thing she was sure of, it was that she never, ever wanted to lose that trust. "Whatever you decide, I'll be here for you."
Santana broke a small smile and although it was barely visible and didn't quite reach her eyes, it still warmed Brittany's heart. "I know."
"You still have some time to decide." Brittany said. "Maybe you can take a shower and clear your mind a bit."
Santana looked at her intently, as if she was the most perfect thing in the world, and her cheeks turned red as she blushed shyly. "Come here." Santana mumbled, cupping Brittany's cheek in her hand and slightly pushing herself up on her toes. She gently captured Brittany's lips with her own and smiled into the kiss when Brittany hummed, wrapping her arms around her waist. She sighed contentedly, some of the tension leaving her body as she allowed herself to get lost in the blonde, her taste, her warmth. Pulling back, she gently caressed a flushed cheek. "What would I do without you?"
Brittany smirked. "I know I'm awesome."
Santana rolled her eyes and planted another firm kiss on pink lips before freeing herself from her wife's embrace. "I won't be long."
Brittany nodded, still a little dazed from the kiss. "I'll make you something to eat."
A few hours later, they walked into the hospital, their hands clasped tightly together.
After carefully thinking it through, Santana had decided that she would never forgive herself if she didn't at least try. She didn't know why she wanted to talk to her abuela again one last time so badly. The woman had hurt her, to the point where she thought her heart might never heal again. But it had all happened a long time ago and maybe, somewhere deep down, she hoped that things were different now.
She was nervous. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her palms were clammy. She could tell that Brittany knew. The blonde kept sending her these smiles that somehow made her feel better, even if it was just a little. It were the little things that helped. The way Brittany stroked her thumb across her knuckles every now and then, or how she kissed her cheek to pull her back to reality whenever she got lost in her thoughts.
"I love you." She said softly, effectively breaking Santana from her stupor once more.
The brunette offered her a tender smile, trying to show her appreciation. "I love you too."
"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asked softly, somewhat nervously, as they came to a stop at the front desk. She seemed so worried, her face scrunched up in concern, and Santana felt her stomach clench in guilt. She hated it when Brittany worried about her. It didn't feel right. Sadly, she knew what it was like to be in Brittany's position so she didn't say anything about it. She just let Brittany deal with this in her own way, just like Brittany let her be.
"I'm sure." She said, her voice coming out a lot more shaky than she wanted.
Brittany nodded, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before releasing it.
Santana took a deep breath, gathering all her courage, and finally stepped forward to ask the nurse what her abuela's room number was. The woman looked annoyed, her jaw set in a tight line, and when she answered her, she sounded disinterested. Normally, Santana would've made a comment about it but today, she just didn't have the energy.
As they were standing in the elevator a few minutes later, Brittany couldn't help but voice her concerns one more time. Santana seemed calm on the outside, her face blank and her shoulders squared, but Brittany could see right through her. She knew that Santana was nervous, probably ready to bolt at any moment, and she couldn't fight the urge to reassure her again.
"Santana." She said softly to get her wife's attention. Brown eyes met hers and she smiled sadly, slightly tilting her head. "You don't have to do this."
Santana looked at her for a moment but then she nodded and looked away. "I know but I want to."
"Are you sure?"
"For the third time, yes." She snapped, her voice coming out a lot harsher than intended. Her shoulders slumped as guilt stabbed at her heart and she reluctantly lifted her head to look at Brittany. The other woman looked surprised but as soon as their eyes connected, her features smoothed into a kind expression again. Santana sighed in relief. She couldn't handle Brittany being mad at her too. She was positive she would have a meltdown. "I'm sorry."
Brittany shook her head, stepping closer to her and placing a reassuring hand on the small of her back. "Don't apologize."
"I'm just… nervous." Santana admitted quietly, tension creeping into her shoulders when the elevator came to a halt. She searched for Brittany's hand, slipping her own into it, before they stepped outside. "I have no idea how she'll react and it scares me."
Brittany's initial reaction was to tell her that everything would be okay but then she realized that she couldn't possibly know that. So, she didn't say anything at all. Instead, she tightened her hold on Santana's hand and turned her head to press a sweet kiss to her temple, silently letting her know that she was there for her. That she wouldn't go anywhere, no matter what happened.
They silently began to make their way down the long corridor. Santana kept her head down, not making eye-contact with the people in the waiting room. She didn't want to think about anything else. Her thoughts were already a jumbled mess and she didn't know how much more she could take. With every step she took, the more nervous she became and all she really wanted to do was go home and sleep for a day or two but she knew that it were just her nerves speaking.
Eventually, they reached the right room but before Santana could even begin to worry about having to go inside and face her abuela, she heard a voice that sent a shiver up and down her spine.
"What on earth are you doing here?"
Santana abruptly stopped walking. She unconsciously squeezed Brittany's hand so tightly she was certain it hurt the blonde but if it did, she didn't say anything. Her heartbeat sped up to the point of bursting out of her chest and she wished the ground would swallow her. She knew that there was a possibility of this happening but for some reason she had hoped to avoid it. Now, she felt stupid.
"How dare you show up here?"
It felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dropped on her head. She looked at Brittany and found her almost trembling with rage; her jaw clenched tightly and her blue eyes misty with an emotion that was so foreign to the normally shy blonde. Santana lightly tugged on her hand and when they made eye-contact, she subtly shook her head, silently begging her to stay calm. Brittany seemed conflicted but nodded nonetheless.
Inhaling deeply, Santana finally turned around, pulling Brittany with her. "Hello, papi."
She spat out the last word sarcastically and the man, who she had once, a very long time ago, looked up to, looked at her with so much anger that she couldn't do anything other than shrink into herself. His eyes darkened. "Answer the question."
Santana swallowed the lump in her throat. "I just want to know how she's doing."
"You're not welcome here." He said in a strained voice, narrowing his eyes at her. She gulped, hating herself for letting him intimidate her. She didn't want to give him that satisfaction but there was just something about his presence that was so overwhelming. His gaze flickered to Brittany and he shook his head, disgust visible in his eyes. "Of course, you brought her. Even at times like this, you still continue to shove your disgusting lifestyle down our throats because you're selfish, Santana, and I don't have time for your nonsense. Just leave. I can't stand the sight of you."
It felt like Santana had been punched in the chest. She didn't know why she still let his words get to her. She had heard it all by now. What upset her the most, however, was him talking about Brittany as if she wasn't even there. She glanced at her wife and was taken aback by the amount of fury she saw on her face. Squeezing her hand, she looked at her father again. "Luckily for you, I'm here for abuela and not you."
He laughed a laugh that made her shiver. "I can assure you that she doesn't want to see you either. Have you forgotten what you did to our family? You're an embarrassment."
Santana opened her mouth to speak but Brittany beat her to it. "Santana didn't do anything to your family. You're the one who treats her as if she means nothing to you just because you're a homophobe who thinks the world revolves around you. She's your daughter, your own flesh and blood, but apparently that's not important to you. The only one who has something to be ashamed of here is you."
Santana's eyes widened, but pride swelled in her chest.
Her father didn't even look at Brittany. "Are you going to let her speak to me like that?"
Santana released Brittany's hand but only to wrap her arm around her waist, pulling her into her. She suddenly didn't feel scared anymore. It was as if Brittany's presence soothed her, even now with her father looking at her with nothing but anger and disgust. "Yes because she's right."
He scoffed, shaking his head. "You never fail to disappoint me."
"I'd like to go inside now." Santana said, already turning towards the room.
"I don't think so." He growled as he stepped forwards.
Brittany raised an eyebrow at him. "I don't think that's your decision."
"You listen to me good, Santana." He said in a dangerous low voice. "You can either leave now and we'll pretend that this never happened, or you can choose to ignore me but I won't hesitate to cause a scene. Alma is weak right now and she doesn't need you going in there to stress her out even more."
Brittany couldn't believe what she was hearing. She didn't understand how someone could treat their own daughter like this; like an outsider that didn't belong there. "Excuse me?"
"Don't, Britt." Santana tugged on her wife's sleeve, pulling her back. "It's not worth it."
"But San..."
"Let's just go." The brunette mumbled, already walking away.
Brittany blinked once, then twice. She stood there frozen for a moment, perplexed. Then anger rose within her and she looked at the tall man that was still standing there, smiling victoriously. It made her feel sick. She shot him the best glare she could muster before roughly pushing past him. "You disgust me."
"Not as much as you disgust me."
"You know what you are?" Brittany asked as she paused, not bothering to look at him. "Childish. You're a grown man yet you behave like a 12-year-old throwing a tantrum because things aren't going the way you want them to go. Grow up."
And with that, she walked away.
The drive home was silent. Brittany kept glancing at Santana but the brunette was too lost in her thoughts to even acknowledge her. She was glancing outside, her forehead resting against the cool glass of the window, and her face was scrunched up into a troubled expression. Brittany let out a sad sigh, placing her hand on her wife's thigh.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly, like Santana might break if she spoke too loudly.
Santana shook her head and Brittany felt her heart drop in dread and disappointment. She didn't like not knowing what was going on inside of Santana's head. But she also wanted to give her the space she needed. All these conflicting emotions made her head feel like it was about to explode. To her relief, Santana covered her hand with her own, somewhat reassuring her.
When they arrived home, Brittany watched worriedly as Santana just stood there in the middle of the room for a moment, her coat still on. She bit her lip and carefully approached the shorter woman. Placing a soothing kiss on her forehead, she slowly began to unbutton her coat before helping her out of it. She stroked the back of her hand over Santana's cheek, dipping her head in an attempt to catch her gaze. "What can I do to help, babe?"
Santana just shrugged, still wearing that blank expression on her face.
"Santana..." Brittany cooed. "Say something."
Santana's eyes flickered up to hers. "What do you want me to say?"
Brittany had expected herself to feel relieved to hear Santana's voice again but all she felt was sadness. She sighed, unsure of what to do. "I just want to help you."
"Well, you can't." The tone of her voice wasn't mean or angry, it didn't carry any type of emotion. She stepped back, turning away from Brittany. "I should've known this would happen."
Brittany's brow furrowed. "Babe..."
"I'm going to take a shower." Santana interrupted her.
"But you already took a shower this morning." Brittany tried, but Santana had already left the room.
An hour later, Brittany was sitting on the couch with a book in her lap, trying to distract herself, when she heard a crash. She had chosen to give Santana some space and Santana, in her turn, had been busying herself in the kitchen with God knows what. Brittany wished she was better at handling this but the fact was that she simply didn't know what to do. Santana was always so strong but Brittany knew that underneath her tough exterior, there was a lot of pain that she kept hidden.
Brittany hurriedly made her way into the kitchen and her eyes widened when she saw Santana crouched down on the floor with shards of glass surrounding her. "Santana, be careful."
But Santana didn't even seem to hear her. She just continued to furiously pick up the shards, her shoulders trembling. Brittany couldn't see her face because her hair was shielding it from being visible but she was pretty sure that she was crying and it absolutely broke her heart. Out of all the pain that she had endured in her life, seeing Santana cry was definitely the worst of them all.
"Santana stop." Brittany tried to get her attention again, kneeling down beside her. "You're going to hurt yourself."
"It's fine." Santana mumbled, but the words hadn't even left her mouth yet when she hissed and pulled her hand away.
"Let me see that." Brittany insisted, reaching out to take the brunette's hand in her own. To her relief, Santana didn't protest and allowed her to examine her bleeding hand. Fortunately, the cut wasn't too deep. Brittany brought Santana's hand to her lips and kissed the back of it. "Come on, babe."
She guided Santana to the sink and gently pulled her hand under the water, rinsing the cut on her palm. Santana just stood there silently, furiously wiping her tears away. Once Brittany was done, she placed a bandaid on the wound before bringing Santana's hand to her lips to gently kiss her fingers.
"Thanks." Santana mumbled.
"You're welcome." Brittany said, not quite wanting to let go of her hand just yet. She wanted to get Santana to open up again but she knew that if she pushed her too much it would do more harm than good. So, she decided to let it go for now and wait for Santana to come to her. "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"I understand." Brittany squeezed her hand. "But how about some soup?"
"No thanks."
"Okay, do you maybe wanna take a nap? Rest a little?"
"Brittany."
"Or maybe we can…"
"Stop babying me!" Santana snapped, pulling her hand out of Brittany's grasp. Brittany's eyes widened and she flinched slightly at Santana's sudden outburst, and Santana's stomach sank heavily with guilt. Her chest seemed to squeeze in on itself. It was all too much at once. She ran her fingers through her hair, almost frantically. "Damn it."
"It's okay, San…" Brittany began to say, but Santana shook her head.
"No it's not. Everything is so fucked up."
Brittany bit her lip thoughtfully, not wanting to say the wrong things. "Santana, I don't…"
"No I'm sorry, Britt. I know you're just trying to help." Santana sighed and slumped against the counter, suddenly feeling more exhausted than ever. It felt like whenever she felt like she had control over her life, something would happen to shake up everything all over again. "I'm just so fucking angry."
"Well I can understand that." Brittany said with a huff. She herself felt a deep rage burning within her at the mere thought of Santana's father, so she couldn't even begin to imagine how Santana must be feeling.
"Who the hell does he think he is?" Santana continued. "He has this insane superiority complex just because I don't match up to his expectations, but who is he to set the rules? I'm just done with his crap. I thought I would never have to deal with it again and yet here we are."
Brittany moved closer to her, carefully studying her features. She could see the anger, but also the sadness and the defeat. "Do you regret going to the hospital?"
"I… I don't know." Santana sighed. Her body seemed to slump even more and Brittany wrapped her arm around her waist, allowing her to lean against her. "I still wish that I could talk to abuela but I'm just so tired of fighting. It's just not fair."
"I know, honey." Brittany brushed a kiss against her temple. "I'm sorry."
Santana didn't say anything. Instead, she buried her face against Brittany's shoulder and allowed the blonde to hold her for a while. There were so many thoughts swarming her mind but she couldn't quite make sense of them yet. She was angry, sad, embarrassed… She couldn't figure out which emotion she felt most strongly.
"How about I run you a bath?" Brittany's soft voice pulled her from her thoughts.
Santana pulled back to look into Brittany's eyes. "But I already took two showers."
Brittany chuckled softly. "Who cares?"
"Okay." Santana's lips quirked up into a small smile. "Will you join me?"
Brittany ran a soothing hand across Santana's back. "Anything you want."
Santana let out a content sigh as she leaned back against Brittany's chest, allowing the warm water to soothe her exhausted body. Brittany pressed a kiss to her shoulder, her hands rubbing gently over her stomach.
"Did I tell you I think you might be right about Marley and Kitty?"
Santana smiled slightly, happy with the distraction. "What made you change your mind?"
"Well I was talking with Marley the other day and I asked her if they're really just friends and she seemed so panicked." Brittany explained, tilting her head in consideration. "Maybe I was being too forward. But either way, the look on her face… I kinda recognized myself in it when I was young and questioning."
Santana hummed thoughtfully. "It might be that she's scared."
"Probably." Brittany agreed. "I told her that I'm there if she wants to talk."
"That's all you can do." Santana reassured her, placing a supportive hand on her arm.
"I guess so."
Santana closed her eyes for a moment, finding comfort in Brittany's gentle touches. The last few days had been overwhelming, to say the least, but being with Brittany always made her feel better. Her wife's presence made her feel secure and safe, and a sort of calmness took over. Yet it was hard to take her mind off everything.
"What are you thinking?" Brittany's soft broke her from her thoughts.
Santana sighed, her eyes fluttering open. "I just don't get it."
"Get what?" Brittany asked, brushing Santana's hair aside and pressing a kiss to her neck.
"How he can treat his daughter like this." Santana said, her voice sounding tired. It felt like all the anger had left her body and all there was left was exhaustion and disappointment. "It's like nothing matters to him besides the fact that I'm gay. Everything before the moment I told him is irrelevant. All our memories… It's like he stopped loving me just like that."
Brittany felt her chest tighten with sadness. She hated that someone could cause Santana so much pain. "I'm sorry, San." Her voice cracked slightly. "I really wish that things were different. I was that they could see how amazing you are, but at the same time they don't even deserve to have you in their lives after the way they've treated you."
"I know." Santana replied, shivering when Brittany lips brushed against the side of her neck before pressing against her jaw. "I just keep trying to make sense of their thinking but I guess that's hopeless and a waste of time."
"I understand though." Brittany tightened her arms around Santana's waist. She hesitated for a moment before adding, "I could never be so cruel to our kids."
She held her breath, carefully waiting for Santana's reaction.
Santana just snuggled further into her. "Me neither. I would love them unconditionally and try to protect them no matter what. I'd support them through the good and the bad."
Brittany felt her heart expand in her chest and a feeling of hope coursed through her veins. She knew that she was just being silly, that she could talk to Santana about anything, but for some reason this particular topic made her feel anxious. She was so afraid that her and Santana weren't on the same page.
"You'd be an amazing mom, San."
Santana turned her head slightly to flash her a warm smile. "So would you."
"Do you…" Brittany began but then trailed off. She didn't think that now was the right time for this. Santana already had so much on her mind and Brittany didn't want to add onto her stress. She wanted to make things easier for Santana, not give her more to think about.
"What is it?" Santana asked, staring into her eyes worriedly.
Brittany shook her head and kissed her softly on the lips. "Nevermind."
Santana looked at her for another moment but then turned her head forwards again. She sighed and sank further into the water, leaning heavily against Brittany. "I think I'm gonna go to bed so early tonight. Christ, I'm getting old."
"You're not old." Brittany laughed. "It's been a hard day."
"You can say that again."
"It's been a hard d-"
"Britt." Santana whined, rolling her eyes. "Dork."
Brittany smiled. "But you love me."
Santana couldn't help but smile too. "That I do."