Alison rose before Carson, quietly making breakfast although he wasn't hungry. It was like this every time he lost a patient. Last night, he'd found Alison making tea for the two of them. Her quiet presence did little to soothe the pain but it did on a basic level. He was no longer alone. Before she'd come, he usually spent the nights awake, wondering if there was anything he could have done to save the person's life. This time, he'd alternated between his normal thought process and thinking about her small hand held in his.

Alison was a wonderful woman, and Carson already liked having her around. She smiled a lot, helping him to see the simple beauty in living. Yes, he'd chosen to live in the wilds of Pegasus, but it was his choice. And he truly loved his work. He just hated losing patients.

Carson opened his eyes and watched Alison putter around the kitchen. She'd already dressed and now served two plates. He could see the tension in her features from across the room and hoped this funeral wouldn't make things more difficult. She had yet to really discuss their last meeting, and Carson knew that experiences such as the one they'd shared didn't just go away. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, so accustomed to the grit in them that he barely noticed. Alison discreetly turned her back, allowing him to escape outside and make a promise to get those curtains hung today. They both needed their privacy.

After a quick trip to the nearest stream to bathe, Carson returned to the cabin and found two plates of food on the table. Last night's dinner had yielded some left-over meat, and Alison had combined that with some potatoes and spices to put on flour tortillas. The effect was a burrito-like meal that filled their stomachs even if it wasn't as tasty as it could have been. Finally, Carson sat back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She offered him a smile. "But I didn't know him."

He resisted the urge to reach out and take her hand. "He was six. Like any six year old, he loved to run and play. I thought he would pull through, or else I would not have returned last night."

Alison's hand moved but stopped just short of touching his. "Carson, you did everything you could."

He nodded. "I know." Rather than continuing that line of conversation, he pushed away from the table and collected their dishes. "We should go to his memorial today."

"I figured we would." Her voice sounded distant, almost like she didn't want to admit to not wanting to go.

Carson turned and eyed her. "Are ye okay?" he asked again.

"Yeah." She shook a lock of hair from her eyes. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He didn't answer that question, but the tension in her eyes told him a great deal. She wasn't ready to attend another funeral. "Lass, if you'd rather not go. . . ."

"I'll be fine." Her voice had a hint of anger to it, almost like she was ready to either yell at someone or break down into tears. "Just tell me what to expect."

Carson eyed her but realized that she wouldn't surrender. He knew that feeling well. He'd done much the same thing time after time, and he would buck up, as Colonel Sheppard put it, again today. "Well, when the people lose a child. . . ."

oOo

Abihne's funeral commenced with very little ceremony. Carson had carefully explained the process to Alison and prepared her as best as he could. But he never expected her to react like this.

Early that morning, he received word from Omari that Abihne's body had been prepared. The people here were simple people, and they often burned their dead as opposed to burying them. This disease had driven that home, and the people rarely waited more than a few hours before conducting a funeral. This time, however, things were different. This time, it was a small boy.

Carson appeared at the funeral pyre long before anyone else. Alison insisted on accompanying him, and he let her come along. He usually liked a few moments with the patients, his way of apologizing for not solving the problems that took their lives. Today, he would have to settle for the internal struggle. I'm sorry. I wish I had no part in this. He'd thought the words thousands of times over the course of his life. He'd said them when Perna died. Well, his other self had said them.

Pushing away the strange reality that he was a clone, he stopped next to the pyre as Omari led the men tasked with carrying Abihne's body to the byre. The boy was wrapped in drab brown cloth, his face completely covered. These people believed that the soul traveled a lonely path to the afterlife, and that the person's eyes should be open but not distracted from the journey by the happenings in this life. Carson didn't believe any of it, but he willingly went along with their request to cover the victims' faces.

After placing the body on the pyre, the men and Omari stood back. They would remain for the funeral but always separated. After the mourners had all left, they would gather up the remains and dispose of them on what they considered "sacred ground." Then, they would spend the evening scrubbing until their skin turned pink. It was the same every time Carson lost another patient. And there had been too many deaths.

Shortly before Abihne's family appeared, the villagers began to make the trek to the funeral. They carried various items: toys, clothing, and a book. Abihne's favorite things while alive. The people did not believe he could take it with him. Rather, they merely wanted to represent who he had been in life.

Finally, the distraught mother arrived. Carson immediately went to her side, seeing the helpless, wild expression. She'd tried for so many years to have a child, and now she'd lost him. He felt her grief roll from her, and he wanted to make sure someone held her. He'd seen people on this world throw themselves into the fire when the funeral pyre was lit. He didn't want to witness that again.

Finally, with everyone gathered, the torches were lit. Carson smelled the oily substance they dipped the rags in and suppressed a grimace. That smell would cling to his clothes and hair for days. A quick glance at Alison told him that she'd stayed in her spot, surrounded by other villagers as the dry kindling under the pyre was lit.

"Noooo!" Abihne's mother cried as the flames engulfed the small body. Carson's arm around her shoulders tightened, and she fought him. "Let me go! That's my son! My son. . . ." She dissolved into tears as he held her back from the flames.

He never even noticed that Alison had slipped away.

oOo

The smoke swirled around Alison as the pyre caught fire, and her eyes stung. She blinked it away, not comfortable with passing off her tears as the effects of the smoke. She didn't want to be here. Not like this, not so soon. As the mother cried and screamed for her son, Alison did the only thing she could do. She left.

The mist swirled around her, distorting everything. She pushed on through, knowing that Carson and the other members of her team were somewhere out there. She may not have been as skilled as Dusty or Teldy in the art of war, but she couldn't let them face this whatever-it-was without her.

A clicking sound caught her ear, and she froze. Terror paralyzed her, but her scientist's mind made her head turn slowly to the side. A creature walked her way, crouched and using all fours. It had once been a man, but it now had no eyes and seemed to exude mist from gills in its neck. It looked around, clicking and trying to locate her. Alison swallowed and stayed in place. The creature turned and lumbered away. When all was once again silent, she let out a deep sigh.

A distant shriek startled her, and she began to run. She ran right into a wall.

"Let me go!" Alison's voice carried, and she fought with the arms trying to contain her. She batted a hand away and realized that it was no longer dark and misty. Blinking, she stared into wide blue eyes. "Carson?"

"Aye." His hands settled onto her shoulders. "Are you okay? And don't tell me you're fine."

She nodded and looked around. Somehow, she'd wound up next to the stream that ran behind their little cabin. The sunshine dappled the ground, and the water bubbled cheerily in direct contrast to her ragged breathing.

"I'm. . . .I'm sorry." She blinked and brushed her hair from her face. "I didn't mean to run. I—I just. . . .I couldn't stay."

Carson's hands moved so that they cradled her face and forced her to look into his eyes. "I understand."

And he really did. Alison tried to smile, and her lips twitched ever so slightly. But the memories were too close, too strong for true happiness right now.

She hadn't done well at Alicia's funeral. The entire team had returned to Earth to escort their fallen comrade back. Teldy and Mehra took the next ship back to Atlantis while Alison remained behind. She'd spent a lot of time thinking and only Carson's request had brought her back.

"I was back there." She swallowed, trying to convey the terror that still gripped her in thick fog or smoke. "Back on that planet with Michael's experiments."

"Aye." Carson nodded, and she pulled away from him.

Walking toward the stream, she let herself truly feel what she'd experienced back at that funeral byre. "I know I should have stayed there. But I had to get out of there. The smoke was. . . ." She let out a quick breath, trying to fend off the tears that pressed at her eyes. "Every time I think about it, I wonder if there was something we could have done for her."

Carson said nothing, but she felt his presence. He simply waited.

"I didn't want to come back here. . .to Pegasus." She shook her head. "I thought I could be happy at home, but I wasn't. I kept remembering what happened. I had dreams. When I woke my mom one night, she wanted to put me in counseling. Not that it would have helped. I couldn't have talked about it anyway."

"So you came back."

"I thought I could ignore it and just work it out on my own." She glanced over her shoulder and realized that he wasn't going to say anything. "I've only been here three days and I'm falling apart."

"You're fine." He reached out and touched her shoulder. "Alison, love, you've got to give yourself time to grieve."

She eyed him, loving how he made her name sound so gentle. It had been like that last time, too. However, her emotions were too fragile at the moment, and the tears she'd kept back suddenly pushed to be released. She wiped at the first few, trying to make them disappear. "I'm sorry."

Rather than replying, Carson stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. Alison melted into his embrace. Her father had died years ago, and the one man she'd dated back on Earth had been more concerned with his own plans and desires than anything. To have Carson hold her simply to comfort her was totally different. She buried her face in the curve between his shoulder and his neck and started to cry.

oOo

Carson tightened his hold on Alison when he felt hot tears start soaking his shirt. She slipped her hands around his waist and simply held on. The sobs shook her shoulders, and he felt the impact of them. Had anyone ever taken the time to comfort the poor woman?

Soon, Alison's sobs quieted, and she slowly melted into his arms. He kept her upright as she let out a deep breath. Her head moved, and he smiled when she shifted from one shoulder to the next. In all of her emotion, she hadn't bunched her hands into his shirt, and he was suddenly aware of her arms around his waist.

The birds continued to sing, and the stream kept flowing, but they didn't say much. Carson couldn't have spoken even if he'd wanted. He may not have known Alison Porter long, but he knew the direction his heart was headed. If he didn't step back, he would end up in love with her.

Alison moved, pulling one hand from his back to touch the wet spot on his shirt. She never lifted her head. "I'm sorry about that."

Carson smiled again, loving the feel of having her close. "Don't give it a second thought, love."

She raised her head but didn't step away. "I still shouldn't have broken down on you. It's not right."

He met her amazing blue eyes. "It's fine, lass. Sometimes, we all need to break down a little."

"What about you, Carson?"

"Me?" He shrugged. "I'll let you know when I figure it out."

She lowered her head back to his shoulder and tightened her arms in a hug. "Thank you." Then, she stepped out of his arms.

Carson watched her walk back toward their cabin with slumped shoulders. Her memories had not dimmed one bit, and he understood. He'd endured two years in Michael's custody, and he remembered the horrors of that well. Through those two years, he'd learned to compartmentalize everything, to keep the bad dreams and bad memories separated from everything else. For him, it was a matter of life and death.

Alison, however, had been privileged to forego the forced labor and confinement. She'd learned to handle life as it came, but nothing could have prepared her for life in Pegasus. Abihne's death only highlighted that.

Letting out a deep breath, Carson followed her away from the stream. The day was still young, and he had much to accomplish.

oOo

Omari sat in the storeroom of the clinic, startling Alison when she went inside. "I am sorry." The other woman stood. "I did not mean. . . ."

Alison held up a hand. "It's okay. I wasn't expecting you to be there."

Omari smiled. "You are well?"

Alison shrugged. "Sort of." When the other woman's eyebrows lowered, she tried to smile. "I just had a flashback to something that happened about a month ago."

"A flash. . .back?"

"Yeah. It's when your memories take over for a moment."

"I am sorry." This time, Omari touched Alison's shoulder. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Alison stared into the other woman's eyes. Maybe she should disclose the true nature of her memories. "I lost someone. A friend. She died suddenly, and I never got the chance. . . ." She looked away as her eyes moistened. "There was barely enough to take home for a funeral."

Omari winced. "You encountered a wild beast?"

"Several." Alison eyed her. "We went back, but. . . ."

"She was a brave woman?"

"Yeah, she was." Rather than returning to the other room, Alison sat down on the floor. She started talking about Alicia Vega, not sparing any detail. She hadn't told her mother about Vega on purpose, just that she'd lost a friend. Here, with this stranger in Pegasus, she felt like she could be honest. She spent the next hour talking, crying, and doing everything in her power to keep from yelling. Omari said little but listened, interrupting only to ask for clarification. In the end, she touched Alison's shoulder.

Alison smiled at her. "I shouldn't have unloaded on you like that."

"It is what a friend is for." Omari smiled. "I understand."

"Is there something I can do to help you?"

Omari shook her head. "No. You have come here, so far away from your home, to help my people fight this disease. I should be thanking you, not you thanking me."

Alison accepted that and gratefully watched as Omari left her alone. She'd dealt with the memories while back on Earth, but never so poignantly as she did now. If she closed her eyes, she would see the mist, smell the stench, and hear the gunshots. She'd killed so many of those creatures that she'd lost the will to count. That they could be overrun like that shook her, but the appearance of the villagers-turned-monsters still haunted her dreams. Ever since that first night when her mother threatened to take her to counseling, she'd kept her cries subdued. Had awakened before the nightmares began. Or simply hadn't slept.

But what about now? She'd returned to the galaxy of her greatest nightmare and now had people who cared about what she'd experienced. Carson hadn't said much, but he truly understood. Even though he was quite a bit older than she was, she felt as if she could relate to him. And his eyes when he'd looked down at her that day. . . .Alison flushed even though she was alone. Being that close to him had been thrilling once the emotion of the moment had passed.

The sun had begun to set before she finally stirred. This little corner of the storeroom had stayed quiet even though she'd heard people coming and going from the clinic all day. Carson's voice had even interrupted her thoughts at one point, bringing a smile to her face as he chatted with the little girl lying near the door of the storeroom. Now, Alison unfolded her legs and waited for feeling to return before pushing to her feet. It was time to face the long night, though her exhaustion hinted that she might actually get some sleep for a change.

She walked to the small cabin and smiled. It looked like something straight out of "Little House on the Prairie," with the golden glow spilling from the windows. She smelled fresh food and realized that Carson had likely fixed dinner for the two of them. Pushing through the door, she found him setting two plates on the table.

He glanced up. "Oh, there ya are. I was about to come find you."

Alison smiled at him. "I'm sorry. I just needed some time."

"Aye." He offered her a smile. "Are ya hungry?"

"A little." She would have settled at the table, but the dingy white curtains hanging from the ceiling caught her eye. A breeze came in the windows and caused them to billow. They covered a full quarter of the living space. "You didn't."

"I did." He snagged one of the sheets and pulled it to the side like a curtain, revealing her personal items and bed. "A woman needs her privacy."

Alison impulsively hugged him before she lost the nerve. "Thank you."

He returned the hug. "You're welcome, love."

That night, as she stared at the sheets moving in the breeze, she listened to the sounds that Carson made as he also settled into his own bed. He may not have been able to give her everything she wanted, but he'd given her enough. A listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a little privacy. She just hoped she was able to return the favor one day.

~TBC