Disclaimer: If it was mine, Harry would be chained to the bed of one (or more) of the male characters, living out the rest of his life as a much-pampered love slave. Since he's not…

*double facepalm* I spent my week-end studying the brains out of me and foregoing to update this because of an upcoming test in my French class this week. Only to find out that the test is not supposed to be given this week. Or the next. Or the next – but rather, three weeks from now. My paranoia finally caught up to me. And French mots are still swimming in my brain. Plus I wasn't able to watch the last HP movie because of that alleged test. Sigh. C'est un travestissement!

Haha, was that experience trying to tell me to 'update first, study later?'

Once again, thank you for the wonderful reviews, faves and alerts. Can I tell you how amused I am that you are taking advantage of my loose lips in review replies? I can't help it! You people ask very intelligent and perceptive questions. I am in awe of your genius. Or is that a product of having read too many fanfics?

Usual warnings: eventual slash, oocness, swearing, bouts of immaturity.

About the Harry/Bella thing: I know a lot of you are still wondering why the hell Harry is pretending to be Bella and where the real one is. Don't worry, all will be revealed in due time. Originally, the first chapter was supposed to be about what happened (I had written it and everything), but when I was about to post, I realized: oh what the heck…keeping you hanging is more fun. The climax gets sweeter because of the…foreplay, right?

There I go again with the innuendos (and the bloody long author's notes). I'll retrieve my mind out of the gutter someday, I promise. Please enjoy the (unexpectedly) early update!

Chapter 4: Eau du Sang

"There she is."

"Where? The pale-skinned chick?"

"Do you think it's true? That she's…"

"Of course it is. Lauren was there and she told me everything about it."

"I dare you to ask the newbie personally if it was true."

"Who, me? No way!"

"Do you think she ever tried males before? Or has she always been like that?"

"City gals are so weird."

"Man, new girl's got it bad," Emmett murmured. "I don't think we were ever that unpopular on the first day. That must be a new record."

From the corner of his eye, he saw the rest of his 'orgy'-mates watching the reactions of the student body to the fresh blood in their midst. That in turn reminded him of the fateful lunch hour and the new girl's ill-timed comment about orgies and bunnies. The thought was too much and he cracked up again.

Edward gave a disgruntled sound, apparently getting a front row center view of his thoughts.

"Forgive me, Emmett, if the notion of being with you in that way is much too revolting to contemplate."

"Why, Edward darling," he drawled in an uncanny (if he did say so himself) imitation of Jasper's accent. He heard the empath give an offended sniff at being so casually mocked. "You wound me. After all these years, after all that we've been through! I thought that you liked it up the -"

Rosalie cuffed him at the back of his head, making him yelp indignantly.

"Behave, Emmett," she ordered in the same frosty tone that he loved to hear, especially when she was –

Edward choked.

"Poor little baby brother," Emmett crooned, leaning closer to lord his superior height over his 'baby brother.' "You should be used to it by now."

"I'll never get used to you, Emmett," he replied, before pushing him away with infuriating ease. "Or to your thoughts."

"You're no fun, Eddie-poo. You're not my concubine anymore. I hereby banish you from my harem forever." He turned away from him melodramatically and clutched his heart the way that a heroine would have done if she found out that her mystery lover was actually the long-lost evil twin of her estranged half-brother on her previously-unknown father's side or some such tripe. He loved soap operas. "Why, Eduardo, why?"

"I'm not even your concubine," the telepath hissed dangerously. "And my name's not Eduardo or Eddie-poo."

"Touchy."

Riling up his baby brother was one of his most favorite things, second only to soap operas. It was all Edward's fault, really, for making it notoriously easy to do.

"He's not your concubine, Emmett. You're mine and it's my harem, not yours," Rosalie declared haughtily, before fixing her deadly glare at Edward. "You can't have him, either."

Edward frowned.

"I'm not – "

"You're gay, Edward," Rosalie said bluntly. "You like it up the ass. You want to be someone's concubine – someone who's male, older than you, and would call you Eduardo and every other pet name you can think of. If it helps, he would also fulfill every sick fantasy in your sexually frustrated mind so that you'll be less of a son of a bitch than you are right now."

Emmett was staring at his girl with wide, adoring eyes.

"You're so hot when you talk filthy, babe," he said huskily, before Edward could snark back. "Wherever have you been all my un-life?"

Rosalie's smile spoke of promises of wicked, filthy, unspeakable delights, and he felt an answering, lascivious grin grow on his face.

"How did you know that Edward's gay, Rose?" Alice, who had been strangely quiet all morning, asked curiously - as if they have never had this discourse before.

"I have no say in this, haven't I?" the vampire-in-question ruefully commented. "Absolutely nothing to defend my affronted masculinity?"

"No you don't. You're in denial, so your opinion doesn't count. And to answer your question, Alice," the blonde continued, turning to her dark-haired sister. "Edward turned me down, didn't he? Imagine that!"

The self-dubbed 'most beautiful vampire in the world' flipped her hair in the way that she knew would undoubtedly annoy the others. Plus it brought attention to her long, silky, golden tresses.

"Rose," Alice said slowly. "If you weren't my dear, beloved sister, I would have slapped you a long time ago for being such a conceited, self-centered bitch."

"You wouldn't dare," Rosalie shot back smugly. "I'm your only playmate. Who else can you play dress up with?"

"Then I'll just find a new Barbie doll, won't I?"

"Who? No one else can put up with you the way I do."

Alice discreetly pointed to the human who was stumbling her way along the corridor.

"The new girl," she announced proudly, shocking all four of her captive audience.

"You're joking!" Rosalie burst out furiously when the surprise had worn off and outrage had taken its place. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Much as it pains me to agree with Rosalie," Edward said, earning himself a glare from the aforementioned vampire. "She's human, Alice."

"I'd love to be the new girl's friend, too! Maybe she has lesbian porn I haven't seen yet. Let's make her join our orgy!" Emmett put his worthless two cents in.

"Was it one of your visions, Alice?" Jasper asked quietly, taking her hand in a reassuring grip. "You're…preoccupied. Was she in them?"

"That's the thing," she confided in them worriedly. "I – I can't see her properly. I think she might have made our futures disappear, too."

There was a collective intake of breath, which served more as an expression of emotion rather than a respiratory function.

"And you want to be friends with her?" Rosalie bit out.

The petite vampire nodded happily.

"Don't you think there's something about her? A certain je ne sais quoi?"

"You just want to know why you couldn't see her, not because of that fancy crap you said."

"That too."

"Think she's one of those mangy mutts in La Push?" Emmett suggested tentatively. "Her father seems awfully close to the Blacks. Maybe that's why your powers are going crazy."

The Cullens watched as the new girl tripped on what they swore was bare air and managed to bring down everyone who was unlucky enough to be in her vicinity. After the tangled heaps of arms and limbs on the floor have been sorted out, she sprang up to her feet, blushing and stammering out apologies to her disgruntled companions. She offered a hand, trying to assist them in regaining their footing.

The not-so-humans winced in sympathy when all the brunette's eager efforts to help only ended up in getting them entangled on the floor again.

Nah. Those filthy mongrels might be too cocky for their own good and smell horribly like wet dog to boot, but they were anything but clumsy.

"If Alice can't see her…what about you, Edward? What's the human thinking?"

It was a worthwhile query, so the telepath focused on the area where Bella was. He let his shields down, flinching subtly when other people's thoughts suddenly boomed in his head.

I haven't done homework yet…

I hope he asks me out today. I have a new….

Newbie's hot…

I like bunnies…

Edward Cullen's staring at me. He's so hot! Oh no, he's staring at me! What do I do? I...

The vampire paused when he realized that the last train of thought he was following didn't belong to his intended target, but rather to the starry-eyed teenager standing next to her. He didn't particularly want to know what the twit thought about him. Usually, it involved the person thinking and him in very…compromising positions that he didn't want to delve in further for the sake of his sanity.

I like bunnies…bunnies in heat frolicking in the skies, moldy cockroaches in the snow singing to the giant cheeseburger jumping up and down on Planet Mars. I like yellow bats swimming in the air and scaring the crying baboon away. I like…

Edward checked again, unable to believe the stream of thoughts he was receiving.

I like…

"Well?" Rosalie demanded.

"Her thought process is very…strange," Edward murmured slowly. Why did the new girl's bizarre musings made him think that he was gradually losing his hold on common sense? 'Strange' was a light way to put it. "Something about…bunnies in heat and moldy cockroaches?"

The long and awkward pauses were quickly becoming frequent when they were discussing the odd newcomer in town.

"Maybe she's insane?" Emmett offered.

"That seems likely."

"No, the new girl is definitely doing it on purpose!" Rosalie huffed angrily, beyond pissed at their interest in the new girl. "She's messing up with our minds in order to lure us into a false sense of security so that we'll all be helpless the moment she rips out our hearts one by one to eat them on a platter!"

"Don't be silly, Rosie," her mate said in an effort to pacify her. "Technically, we are heartless creatures, so there's nothing to rip out and eat. Our hearts would probably be hard as rock and not at all appetizing. You're just mad that she called you a playboy bunny."

"I'm not!" she insisted. "She's going to turn all our lives upside down, just you wait! And do you know what I'll do? I won't get angry. I won't help. No, I'll be sitting on the sidelines, laughing at your stupidity and telling you repeatedly that 'I told you so!'"

"You are too obsessed with ideas of vengeance, Rosalie."

"Shut up, Gay-ward."

"You did not just –"

"News flash! I just did."

"Children, please stop fighting."

"You're such a hypocrite, Emmett."

"E tu, Alice? Why am I always the childish one? Just because of that incident – "

"Exactly. 'Nuff said."

"Speak for yourself, Pixie. I still remember the time when – "

"I had History class with her earlier."

The bickering stopped. Four pairs of eyes zoomed in with startling accuracy on the empath who was smiling faintly.

"Jasper, dear," Alice said with false sweetness. "Why didn't you tell us that bit of info sooner?"

He shrugged. "You didn't ask."

The seer's left eye started twitching.

Jasper inwardly smiled, amused at causing such unnecessary strife. There was no way to hide his enjoyment at their predicament, though – not when one had a telepath for an adopted brother. True enough, Edward gave him one of his signature glares.

"You should train your husband a lot harder, Alice," the bronze-haired vampire warned. "It seems like he hasn't been housebroken yet."

"Trust me, I will." Alice replied with a glare of her own. "I do believe that he's deriving too much amusement on our expense. Such selfishness should be punished."

Jasper shivered. The emotions emanating from his mate weren't very comforting.

"Can you talk about your Master and Pet fetish later?" Rosalie complained. "What happened in class?"

"She went in and sat down beside me," he said with relish. It was rare to have all of them listening to him, because they usually spent their time arguing. "We talked. Teacher gave us homework. That was it."

"What did you talk about?"

"She asked me if I was constipated. I told her no. She said, 'don't be shy, I have a bottle of castor oil in my bag.' I asked why she had one in the first place. She replied that it was for the 'anal-retentive sheep bleating about,'" Jasper informed them with a puzzled frown marring his forehead. "Do I look constipated to you?"

Emmett's badly hidden guffaw was all the answer he needed.

"That couldn't possibly have been the end of the story."

"You're right. It wasn't," he agreed. "I was just waiting for you to ask what happened next."

"Great. Even Jasper is affected by the new girl's insanity," Rosalie muttered. "One period with her and he's gone nuts already. How can you possibly think of befriending that – that thing, Alice?"

Alice ignored her fair-haired sister and obliged her mate by asking what happened next.

"Then, out of curiosity I asked her if she was crazy. She told me that it was an 'acquired taste.' What followed was probably the oddest conversation I have ever had. Frankly, I did not understand even half of it." He shook his head, as if attempting to dispel the whole encounter.

"The new girl broke Jasper,"Emmett lamented, watching his poor brother bash his head on the locker.

"The new girl's name is Bella, you know."

"You're on first name basis with her?"

"Well, not really," the empath admitted. "I call her 'Crazy' and she calls me 'Cookie' for reasons I cannot determine."

"You're on nickname basis with her?"

"I guess you can say that."

"How come I hadn't picked that up in your mind?"

"Really? How odd." Jasper regarded the silently brooding telepath. He wasn't particularly trying to hide it from Edward. "But I think there is something you all should know."

His fellow coven members waited impatiently for him to find the words to say.

"She – smelled unusual," Jasper gave another shrug. "One minute, I wanted to rip out her throat and drain her of her blood. The next, I just wanted to be close to her and breathe in her scent. But suddenly, I thought that her blood was utterly repugnant. Then the cycle would start all over again."

"Are you okay?" Alice placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

He smiled at her.

"It didn't affect my control, if that's what you're asking. It was just a little disconcerting, that's all. Although, the conversation more than made up for it."

Rosalie rounded on to the brunette seer.

"You see? What will happen if you made friends with that thing?"

"'That thing' has a name."

"I hate to warn you guys, but 'That Thing' is making her way towards us right now."

If the group still had blood running through their veins, they would have blanched quite horribly.

"Quick! Act normal."

"Act normal? You're the one who's having a panic attack!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Shhh!"

"Here she comes."

Rosalie tossed her head and crossed her arms. Emmett shoved his head inside his open locker, watching the girl approach from his peripheral view. Jasper fiddled with the strap of his bag. Edward leaned on a locker and attempted to look nonchalant. Only Alice was blatantly ogling at the human. No one was meeting anyone's eye.

The girl didn't seem to be aware of the turmoil she was causing. She walked on, obsessively monitoring her every step as if her very life depended on her success at walking on a flat surface without tripping. She ignored the five non-humans who were doing their best to impersonate statues. To their surprise, she stopped right in front of Edward and met him directly in the eye.

The Cullens unconsciously tensed, wondering why the brunette approached the telepath personally. A thousand scenarios flashed through their minds. Did the human know their secret? Was she going to expose them right there and then, in front of hundreds of witnesses? Should they start planning to move away? What would they tell Carlisle? And Esme? They liked it here. What would happen if their adoptive parents found out that they had blown their cover?

At the background, they noticed the other teenagers stopping in their tracks to watch the potentially volatile encounter. Whispers began to break out. No one approached a Cullen like that. It was one of the most important unwritten rules in the Forks High School handbook. (Soon to be written if the new girl would not survive the debacle, they thought privately.)

The new girl continued to stare, and Edward stared right back, although confused by the nonsensical thoughts that ran through her head.

She had nice eyes, he realized a little too randomly.

Edward opened his mouth, but she beat him to it.

"You're leaning on my locker."

"Pardon?"

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit...

Bella Swan's mind was a dangerous place to be in. He resurfaced out of her thoughts, shaking his head to clear his inexplicably fuzzy consciousness.

"You're leaning on my locker."

"Oh."

"You're. Leaning. on. my. Locker."

Bella looked at him expectantly. Alice jabbed him on the ribs.

Move, you moron! His sister scolded him. What is wrong with you?

He moved out of the way. The crowd, seeing that the fiery confrontation wasn't going to happen any time soon, quickly dispersed. The vampires inwardly sighed in relief, grateful that their secret still remained a secret - for now.

"Sorry about that," he muttered to her awkwardly.

The human nodded in acknowledgment and opened her locker.

Awkward silence ensued.

Alice came near her with something akin to morbid fascination shining in her eyes. Jasper was right about the scent of her blood, and she could tell that the others were similarly affected.

"Hello, Isabella," she tried.

"Bella, please," Bella replied, still with her head stuck inside the locker.

"Okay, 'Bella, please.'"

The human stopped and turned her head to stare at Alice with a perplexed expression on her face.

"Why are you talking to me?" she asked, not unkindly. "You must have heard by now that I have a severe case of Cootietitis. It's apparently contagious."

The vampire was completely unable to stifle the laugh that came out of her. In a flash of inspiration, she held out one hand and drew little circles on it with the fingers of the other.

"Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now I have the cootie shot." She lifted her hand for Bella to see. "There. I'm already inoculated. Can we be friends now?"

Rosalie snorted. Delicately, of course.

Bella cocked her head to one side and glanced at her curiously.

"I could give you an immunization boost against Cootietitis too, if you want."

Chief Swan's daughter shook her head gravely.

"I'm afraid that it's too late for me now," she confided seriously. "I'm already at Stage 3. The doctor said that I don't have much time before I'll turn into a fairy and depart for Queerland to be quarantined with those who have been afflicted before me. I think I'm supposed to live out the rest of my days in hedonistic pleasures, kinky fetishes and sin. My eternal soul will be damned. Eternally. The Man Upstairs will blight me from where I stand any minute now, so can you please stand five meters away from me? Thanks."

"I didn't know that Cootietitis had stages," the seer remarked, ignoring her warnings and stepping closer to her. "How intriguing."

"Are they seriously having this conversation?" Alice heard Emmett mutter to Jasper incredulously.

"You could just imagine the one I had with her," Jasper muttered back blandly. "It was much, much worse than this."

"Of course it does!" Bella said in answer to her question. "Stage 3 is the worst and the deadliest of them all."

"How would you know what stage you are in?"

"The symptoms are very simple. First, you will feel unholy lust towards another. Second, your skin will get pale and clammy. Third, you will feel the need to shock others with your deplorable language and unruly disposition."

"Oh, no!" Alice fretted worriedly. "I think I have all those symptoms. Do you think I have Cootietitis, too?"

"Oh, yes," the human replied languidly. "You have to go see Dr. Jessica Stanley immediately. She's a Cootietiologist, and is absolutely the best in her field. She was the one who diagnosed me. She also has a doctorate in prejudice and a minor in bitchiness. I heard that she specializes in hypocrisy fairly well, too."

Alice grinned and held out her hand again, this time for the human to shake.

"Alice Cullen, resident outcast. You can call me 'Tinkerbell' if you want."

Bella blushed and took her hand almost shyly.

"You heard about that, too?" she groaned. "Bella Swan, newbie pariah."

"So, are you just going to stand there and wait for The Big Man to blight you?"

"No, I still have Biology. Maybe He'll do the blighting there later."

The girl turned, and noticed Jasper standing not far off. A wholly uncharacteristic smirk bloomed on her lips.

"Cookie! I didn't know you were here."

"Crazy," he replied with an answering smirk that Alice had never seen before.

What a very interesting human.

The seer saw her blonde sister watching her.

You're gonna regret this, she mouthed in warning, also observing the interaction between Jasper and the new girl.

Alice shrugged back.

Maybe, maybe not. I can't tell anymore, and I want to know why.

Why wasn't cooties popular in my culture? I would have had so much fun screwing with the minds of my classmates if ever we had that. *laments*

There you go. A chapter in the Cullen's POV. For some reason, they always end up bickering in my head. Sorry about that.

We're nearing the van incident! I'm so excited. Harry's gonna have so much fun ruin – I mean, changing it. Yeah. I meant changing. Harry wants me to update soon, because he said that there was a sad 'lack' of 'Harry-ness' in this one. Insolent heathen that he is. We all needed a break from his craziness, right? Don't be blue, Harry. You'll be hogging the spotlight soon enough.

Sorry that it was shorter than the last one. I really have to go study now. Je fais de something.

Review, s'il vous plaît?