(Re)Finding our own path
Chapter 3 - July, 28 2013

Previously
As her assistant closed the door, she answered the phone.
A strange sense of nausea hit her. Something told her it wasn't a friendly call. «Hello?»
«Hi, Tina.»
'Tina'. This wasn't going to be good.
«Hi, Bette.» she mimicked her.
«Listen, I think we should meet and talk...»
Tina gulped. «Yeah... um, I think we should. Yeah»
«Okay, um... what if we meet at home, about six?»
«You mean, your house?»
Bette didn't realized she used the word 'home'. Something dictated by the habit. «Um, uh, yeah... I meant my house»
«Yeah, fine. I'll see you at six, then.»
«Great, um... bye.»
«Bye.»

Tina's body was crossed by a long shiver.
She knew something was going on, by listening to Bette's voice.
What that seemed to be right in the first place, at that very moment it seemed to be so fucking wrong.

That was going to be a tough evening.

She hated what she was becoming. She turned into a cheater, again. Even though it felt right, awesome, heartwelming... it was still an affair.
Bette was sitting in the lounge chair near the pool. Trying to figure out what to do next and how to tell Tina what she decided.
She didn't want to hurt anyone. But the only thing she managed to think about was that no matter what she did in her life she, somehow, always ended up hurting someone. 'What the hell was I thinking?'
She was scared. Those strong and powerful feelings were scaring her. She always loved Tina. But lot of things happened between them. They almost hated each other. They hurt one another badly. The woman didn't know if she could handle another break up if it wouldn't have worked. She didn't know if what she was feeling was really a genuine sentiment or something that caught her up in that moment. She knew she loved Tina, but she didn't know if love was enough. Trust and promises have been broken by their actions. She wasn't sure they could make it and be able to build a new and stable relationship. So she took the easiest way...
She was going to end this fling with Tina.
The brunette's head was filled with thoughts and fears. She wanted to pour herself a glass of scotch just to calm down, but she thought it wasn't wise since she wanted to be as lucid as possible in the moment she was going to talk with Tina. So she opted for a cigarette. It wasn't her usual habit, she quit a long time ago. But when she was upset or nervous enough, the feeling of the smoke filling her lungs gave her a sense of relief.

Right at the moment she left the smoke fill her bronchi, she didn't realize the woman standing next to her.
«I thought you quit?»
Bette was taken aback. She started to cough, «What... God, hey Tina» she managed to say, still coughing.
«I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you but I knocked and you didn't hear me, so I guessed you were in the back and here you are... Are you okay?» she asked concerned.
«Um, yeah... Yeah, I am fine» she said in a choking voice, putting out the cigarette.
«Okay, so, um you wanted to talk, right?»
Bette took a deep breath, «Right».

The two women made their way inside and Tina made herself comfortable sitting on the couch. She looked around the living room, enjoying the sight. Bette's taste was impeccable. Everything was like when she left a year before.
Except for their pictures of them together... they weren't there.
Well, what she could expect?
The sense of sadness that reached her was unbearable. And it was fed by the fact that she had no idea what Bette wanted to talk to her about. But, sadly, she could feel in her gut, it wasn't good.

Bette approached her and handed her former partner a cup of tea and sat in the chair in front of the couch, that way she could face her.
An awkward silence fell above them, it was killing Tina.
The blonde looked at her, without uttering a word, her eyes begged her to talk. 'I wonder what she's struggling with, she looks so lost'.
Bette looked down and inhaled a large amount of air. She lift her head and before she could start, noticed Tina's shoulders were shaking.
The woman before her was silently crying, it broke her heart.
It was making everything more difficult.
«Tina, I —»
The southern beauty raised her hand to make her stop talking. «Wait! Please...» she kept crying and between one sob and another she asked Bette to hold her. Just for a little bit.
The dean did as she'd been asked. She stood up and immediately putted her arms around the sobbing woman. She inhaled her scent as she rocked her to calm her down. 'She smells so good'.
None of the two uttered a word.

They finally pulled out, after Tina managed to recompose herself. «I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this... Fuck» she avoided her gaze.
«You don't need to be sorry... It's my fault» the brunette admitted.
«So? What did you want to talk about?»
Bette swallowed the lump that's formed in her throat. «Now it's everything more difficult»
«Why? Because I cried? It's not a big deal, I don't want your pity.»
The mocha skinned finally managed to look into her eyes. «I don't know how to say it»
«Oh come on, Bette. Just say it... You're having second thoughts, right?» it hurt admitting it. «Right?»
Bette looked down, again. «It's complicated»
«Fuck! Just... Can't you just say what it's in your fucking mind?»
«I'm scared!» she said, raising her voice a little too much. Then she continued with a quiter voice. «I'm scared... I don't think we should keep doing this. I... I'm hurting another person. And I hate what I'm doing, again... I'm doing this again and I know how it ends. No matter what, someone always ends up hurting. I always end up hurting someone else. I don't want to do this to Jodi... I promised her I won't break her heart and if we continue this... thing... like you said, she will be devastated»
'This thing, she said. She referred to what happened between us as -this thing-' Tina tried to garner Bette's words. Fuck, that hurt. She felt like she was going to die. «Thanks, Bette»
As Bette gave her a questioning look, she added: «Don't you realize how much you just hurt me? You said: 'this thing' like if those seven years we spent together meant nothing. For me, it wasn't a 'thing'. I felt... I felt alive... again. I felt like I could climb the fucking Everest because you were loving me, touching me... you said you missed me. You said that what you were feeling for Jodi doesn't really compare to what we had or have, I don't know what to think anymore... You just said you don't want to hurt anyone. But you just did, you just ripped my heart off my chest and threw it out of the fucking window. How do you think I'm feeling right now? You can't... you can't fool me this way. You can't give me hopes and then decide to quit it and go on like nothing happened. Fuck, what was I thinking... this is probably how it happened with Candace. I'm so fucking hurt that I'm even starting to feel bad for her... Can you believe it? I should've known, I should've known you were going to turn your back on me and return to Jodi. I should've known that for you, it was just something about sex. You can't help it. I've been there, I should've fucking known. You just opened your fucking legs to another woman -me- and fucked her. Just like you did three years ago! You are a fucking selfish, Bette. I thought you changed... but apparently you're still the same selfish person» those words came out her mouth like a blast.

Bette looked at her, stunned. Those words hitted her in the gut. She knew Tina had a point. She was seriously acting selfish. She wanted to do the right thing, and even if she thought that being with Tina, making love to her, holding her felt like it was, actually it wasn't. It wasn't enough to leave all the hurt they did to each other behind. «And do you understand how scared I am? What if you decide to turn to men, again? Huh? Don't act like you are the only fucking one who's been hurt. I lived hell when you left me for... For Him» she couldn't say his name. The wound was still open and bleeding.
«Fuck you, Bette! I... I made a fool of myself, becoming the third woman, sleeping with you just because I love you. I, I've seen you jumping in the bed with me, without any hesitation, while you were in a relationship with Jodi and now... You say you are not sure if I'm not going to turn to men again? What about me? I could have thought that probably you were going to turn to another woman if we decided to give it another try, but I haven't. I was starting to believe that what happened with Candace was a meaningless mistake. But, right now. Everything seems clear to me. Apparently, you've not changed... And I am not so sure if I want you again, anymore. The only thing I'm sure about is that... you fucking broke my heart, you did it again» as she said this last sentence, her voice broke.
Bette hated to see her hurting like that, she tried to get closer but Tina stopped her, «Don't!».
She was starting to talk again when their little one popped out from the hall, she woke up from her nap. The blonde immediately wiped her eyes, but her baby noticed something was wrong with her mother. «Mommy, cry?»
Tina's heart broke one more time. «It's nothing, baby. It's okay. Mommy just got a boo-boo, it's going to be alright. Give me a hug, come here»
Bette left out a gasp. She couldn't say anything, the lump formed in her throat almost made her choke.
She just stared at the two of them.

How the hell did they get there?
Their family. The one they always dreamt about.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.