Chapter 4
"It's Called Being a Father"
Steve would never get used to that sound. He opened his eyes to see the little figure of his brother tossing and turning in the soft glow of the nightlight. The sound came again; the mournful whisperings of Nate murmuring, "Mommy."
Steve knew no one else would come to comfort Nate. In fact, he was not even sure that anyone else knew this happened each night. If his father had knowledge of it he never made any attempt to be there for his son. Steve felt Nate was his responsibility now. In the last two weeks, the McGarrett children had not only lost their mother, but their father as well.
Steve pushed aside his blankets and did what had become a nightly routine. He knelt down next to Nate's bed and brushed his brother's sweat covered hair with his fingers.
"It's okay, Jamie," he said, using his mother's nickname for his brother. "Wake up, buddy."
Nate's eyes flashed open and he stared wide eyed at his older brother. "Where's mommy?" he said, repeating the same question he asked every night.
"You know where she is."
Nate sat up, his tears spilling out onto his flushed cheeks. "I want mommy."
"She's gone, Nate," Steve said. What else could he say?
"Why?" Nate asked. This question was new.
"I-I don't know," Steve answered.
"Where's daddy?"
Steve woke with a start. He could not figure out why Nate was crying. He was twenty-five years old, not seven; he should be past the point of crying for their mother by now. Steve had been for a long time.
He heard another cry, but this one was different. It called for "daddy". What the hell is wrong with me? Steve thought. Natalie's crying, not Nate.
He sprang out of bed and rushed into the hallway, only to collide with Nate, who had heard the distress call as well.
"Daddy, where are you?" Natalie cried.
The brothers untangled themselves and Nate stepped aside allowing Steve to enter their sister's old room.
"Natty, I'm right here," Steve assured her.
"Don't let him take me," she pleaded. The little girl was thrashing about and Steve was not sure if she was awake or asleep. "Daddy!" she screamed.
He knelt down next to her bed and ran a soothing hand through her hair. "Shh, it's okay, Natty, I'm right here."
After a few moments, her eyes fluttered open in response and she cried out, "Daddy!"
Steve gathered her up in his arms and lifted her off the bed. This scenario was familiar to him, except this time he was the "daddy", not the big brother trying to offer comfort.
"Daddy, don't let him take me," she sobbed, "He's coming to get me and he's gonna take me away."
Steve knew she referred to her biological father, Paul Keller, who had been arrested and was now in the hospital recovering from the injuries he sustained during his apprehension.
He looked up and saw Nate standing in the doorway. By the strained expression Nate wore, it was almost as if he was the one having the bad dream.
"Don't let him take me," Natalie repeated.
With his eyes still resting on his brother, Steve quietly spoke a promise to the little girl, "I'm not going to let that happen, sweetheart. I swear to God I won't."
* * * * * * H50 * * * * * *
The peaceful sounds of morning falsely lured Steve into the sense it was earlier than the time registering on the clock. He had spent several hours during the night by Natalie's bedside trying to lull her to sleep. Nate even brought up their mother's rocking chair that had been stored away for years, so Steve could rock her. She had finally fallen asleep, but more from exhaustion than their efforts.
Steve did not want to move for at least another hour and he made his mind up that if anyone dared to bother him, he was not going to be pleasant; unless, of course, it was Natalie.
Nate was stuck with the task of waking "the beast". He entered his brother's room. The sight before his eyes caused him to stop abruptly and an amused smile touched his lips.
Steve lay on the edge of the bed, his right arm hanging off the side and his left arm cast above his head. Natalie took up the rest of the mattress. She lay at a forty-five degree angle from Steve, with her head at the side of the bed. One of her feet rested on his pillow and the other sat on his chest, nearly touching his chin.
Nate could not resist taking a picture of the two of them. He felt like he was playing the game Don't Wake Daddy, while he did something mischievous.
"Hey, Steve," he called. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Go away," came Steve's gruff reply. He turned his face slightly to the left, only to run into Natalie's foot. His eyes flew open as he blurted out, "This whole time I thought that was her hand." Steve raised his head to look at Natalie. "How can a kid so small take up so much room?"
Nate smirked. "I thought she fell asleep in her bed. How did she end up in here?"
"I don't know," Steve said running a hand over his face. "I was too tired to care."
"Well, you two are going to be late," Nate answered. "It's after seven thirty."
"What!" Steve exclaimed, glancing at his clock. "You," he pointed to Nate. "Go make breakfast." Then he turned his attention to the still sleeping eight year old. "Natty, wake up," he said, gently shaking her shoulder.
She swatted at the air trying to shoo him away.
"Hey, we have to pick up Grace and Danny this morning, let's go," he said, grabbing his clothes and disappearing into the bathroom. Five minutes later he rushed out fully dressed and saw that she was no longer in the room. Good, he thought, she's getting ready.
He soon found out that just the opposite was true when he passed by her room and saw her sprawled out on the bed. Shaking his head, he walked in and sat down next to her, pulling her onto his lap. She flopped her head against his chest.
"Listen, we both had a rough night, but I need you to be a big girl and get ready for school," he said. "Okay?"
"I'm tired," she yawned.
"So am I, but we have a job to do. You can take a nap later."
Natalie exhaled loudly and slid off his lap. "Can I stay home with Uncle N-"
"Stop. You need to go to school."
"Yes, Daddy," she said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
He kissed the top of her head. "That's my girl."
* * * * * * H50 * * * * * *
Natalie came down the stairs for the third time after being sent back up two times previously for failing to comply with the dress code. The first time, she still wore her pajamas and asked for a drink of water. The second time, she wore her pajama bottoms and her school top, minus one sock because she said she was too hungry to finish dressing. Now completely clothed for school, she stood in the kitchen holding her hairbrush.
"Daddy, I can't braid my hair," she said.
"You can't braid your hair?" Steve replied. He looked over at Nate.
"Don't look at me," Nate responded, holding up his hands. "You're the Boy Scout, and I'm making breakfast."
"Come here, Natty," Steve ordered.
"Hey, Natty, what do you want on your toast?" Nate asked.
"I want Papa's Special," she informed him as Steve began to fix her hair.
"What's that?"
"You take sour cream and put it on the toast and then sprinkle sugar on top."
"Sounds good," Nate decided.
"I don't think so," Steve said. "Put peanut butter on it."
"I don't want peanut butter," Natalie whined.
"It's protein. It's good for you."
Nate gave Natalie a sympathetic look. As much as he wanted to comply with the little girl's wishes, he would not overrule his brother and besides there was no sour cream anyway.
"You like lots of protein, Steve?" Nate asked.
"Yeah, sure," he replied absently, focusing on braiding Natalie's hair. She was not cooperating very well. "Hold still," he said irritably.
"Ow," she complained. "Mommy never pulls my hair."
Steve ignored that comment and continued with his task. "Do you have everything you need for school?"
"I can't find my other shoe," she confessed.
"Nate, go find her shoe."
Nate cut the slices of toast in half and grabbed the one he had loaded with peanut butter. "Here's your protein, Commander."
"Wha-" Steve's reply was cut off by the peanut butter laden triangle being shoved into his mouth.
"Enjoy!" Nate said as he left the kitchen on his search for the missing shoe.
"Mmmmmm!" Steve called after him.
Natalie twisted herself to look back at Steve and pulled the piece of toast from his mouth, "What was that, Daddy?"
"Thank you," he said, licking his lips. "Now hold still."
"You're welcome," she said, taking a bite of the toast before shoving it back in his mouth.
He looked at the ceiling in frustration. Seconds later his phone rang. His hands were holding Natalie's hair and his mouth was full. How could he answer the phone? He spit the toast out onto the counter and freed one hand to pull his phone out from his pocket.
"McGarrett," he said, not even looking at the caller.
"Did I call at a bad time?" Alex asked.
"Sorry, I didn't even check to see who was calling."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah, everything's fine."
"Ouch!" Natalie exclaimed.
"Quit moving!" Steve ordered.
"Steve, what are you doing?" Alex wondered.
"I'm braiding Natty's hair."
"Why? She knows how to do that herself."
Steve let go of Natalie's hair and she tried to escape, knowing she had been found out.
"Get back here!" Steve demanded. "I have to call you back, Alex." He tossed his phone on the counter and confronted the little girl. "Why are you giving me such a hard time?"
"Are you mad at me?" she asked.
"What do you think?"
She looked at the floor. "Am I grounded, because if I am that means I don't have to go to school, right?"
"You're not getting off that easy. Tell me why you're acting like this."
"I don't know." The truth was Natalie really did not know why.
"I can't find the shoe," Nate yelled from upstairs.
Steve crossed his arms. "Where's your shoe?"
Natalie looked up at him with a guilt ridden face. "Under your bed."
* * * * * * H50 * * * * * *
Alex pulled her phone away from her ear and looked at it, wondering if she needed to do some long distance intervention. She just arrived home from work and was now mulling over the options in her mind. Calling Steve back was not a good idea because he seemed distracted and irritable. She could call Danny, but Steve would not appreciate that. The best option, her only option, was to call her father. He would know what to do.
"Hello, Princess," Henri answered.
"Really, Dad? It's Alex, not Melissa," she said.
"I'm well aware who it is," he chuckled. "How are you, sweetie?"
"I'm fine, but…"
"But what?"
"Um, I'm not so sure about Natalie. Has she been misbehaving and you're not telling me?"
"No. Well, she has been a little out of sorts."
"How so?"
"She seems a little restless and irritable, but no behavior that a firm word can't take care of."
"Hmm, but you know all the ins and outs of raising little girls," she said.
"Are you worried just about Natalie or is Steve included in this?" Henri asked.
"How do you always know what I'm thinking?"
"I'm your father, Alex," he told her. "Natalie did give Steve the silent treatment yesterday when he wasn't able to pick her up from school, but he handled it very well. And I did tell you Steve was going to have his hands full with that girl, remember?"
"Yes, but I don't want him to have to put up with unnecessary behavior. He has enough to deal with on a daily basis just with his job. Natalie is usually an obedient little girl, she's sweet and smart, too, but sometimes she can be a little too smart for her own good."
"Alex, not only do you need to realize that Natalie is also Steve's responsibility now, but that little girl needs to understand that he isn't going to be just the 'fun and games' daddy anymore."
Alex sighed. For some reason this idea had not occurred to her. During the past seven years, she had been the sole "parent" for Natalie and when Steve was there he had been the man who came in, spoiled Natalie and then went home, leaving Alex with the day to day happenings. She did not mind this, it was how it was, but things were changing now and she had to change with it.
"Dad, can you just make sure they don't kill each other," she pleaded.
"For my little girl, anything," her father promised.
* * * * * * H50 * * * * * *
To say Danny and Grace were happy this morning was an understatement. Their father-daughter time had gone extraordinarily well and their bright smiles were proof of that.
Steve's truck pulled up to the curb five minutes late, but Danny hardly noticed his partner's tardiness. Nothing could ruin his good mood this morning.
He opened the door of the vehicle for Grace and called a cheery "good morning" to the two occupants and thought nothing of it when the greetings were not returned. After making sure Grace was properly buckled in, he climbed into the front seat and shut his door. He looked over at Steve, flashing him his million dollar smile, and that's when he noticed his partner's face; his stern, "don't talk to me right now" face. Danny glanced back at Natalie who gave him an "I'm in trouble, watch out" look, and being the great detective and father he was, he figured out the rest.
Returning his attention to Steve, he said quietly, "I was going to ask you how it went last night, but adding any words of explanation to the tension already in this vehicle, might cause an explosion."
Steve merely gave him a side long glance and pulled out onto the road.
* * * * * * H50 * * * * * *
"Don't leave me here," Natalie pleaded, grabbing onto Steve's waist.
They were standing on the sidewalk in front of the school as she tried desperately to avoid being left behind. The little girl was making quite a scene.
"Natalie, we have been over this already," Steve said in a firm tone. "I drop you off at school and then I go to work. Papa will be here to pick you up at three."
"I don't want Papa to pick me up," she whined. "I want you!"
Steve ran a hand through his hair. Why is this so hard? he thought.
He heard Danny clear his throat and ask, "Do you mind if I intervene?"
"Please do," Steve replied.
Danny bent down and rested his arms on his knees. The bright morning sun was at Natalie's back and he squinted as he looked up into her light blue eyes. "You know, Natalie, Grace didn't always go to this school, either. We moved here from New Jersey. You know where New Jersey is, right?"
The little girl nodded her head in reply, but held fast to Steve.
"Grace didn't want to go here at first and I wasn't too thrilled about leaving her here, either. I think it's not so much that you don't want to go in there, but you don't want to leave your daddy all by himself. That's the reason we have partners, so we don't have to be alone."
Natalie gave him a skeptical look.
"I have a deal for you," Danny continued. "You be Grace's partner today, so I'll feel better about leaving her at school and I'll be your daddy's partner, so you can feel better about letting him go to work. What do you think about that?"
Natalie looked intently at his face. She decided she liked the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. It meant he smiled a lot. Anyone who worked with her daddy and smiled a lot must be okay. "If it helps you, I can do that."
"It helps me a lot," he replied with a smile.
"Daddy, will I see you later?" Natalie asked, looking up at Steve.
"Yeah, of course," he said, with a look of surprise from her sudden change in attitude.
She let go of him and took a deep breath. "I'm ready for school now."
Danny winked at Grace who took Natalie's hand. The two little girls said goodbye and together they walked up the front steps to the school. Natalie turned back and waved at Steve before disappearing into the building.
"How did you do that?" Steve asked.
Danny just smiled and walked back to the truck.
Steve watched the doors of the school for a few moments, waiting for Natalie to come running out. He was almost a little disappointed when she did not.
Finally, he followed Danny and climbed into the truck. They drove in silence for a couple of minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.
"Not to break up this solemn moment," Danny said, "but you know what we have to do today?"
Steve exhaled, "Yeah."
"Chin and I can go talk to him if you want."
"No, I have to do this," Steve said.
Danny nodded. He knew that would be Steve's answer, but he thought he would at least give him the option to forego questioning Keller about the videos of his meetings with Wo Fat.
They became quiet again and Danny noticed Steve seemed to be thinking about something.
"Is it always this hard?" Steve asked suddenly.
"Is what always this hard?"
"Letting your kid go."
Danny could not help but smile. "It's called being a father, Steven," he said. "It's the best and worst thing you can ever be."
A/N: The "Papa's Special" in this chapter is actually a tribute to my grandfather. When he was growing up during the Great Depression, he would eat that for breakfast on occasion and he introduced it to his children and grandchildren. It really is good, you should try it sometime.
Thank you for your continued interest in this story. I enjoy hearing from you.