AN: Hurray! I finally managed to finish typing this up! I am already working on the next chapter, so I hope to have that up soon as well.
Thank you all so much for the reviews, favorites, and alerts! They make my days at work so much better :)
Chapter 3
Three weeks after the emotional bomb Dr. Chakwas had dropped found Shepard was sitting in what was left of the hospital atrium overlooking the ruins of London. The wind rippled through her over large cotton t-shirt and black sweat pants, and blew her auburn strands across her face as she took it all in.
Admiral Hackett had officially debriefed her the day before and she had been happy to hear that, for the most part, Reaper forces were being obliterated from the planet. Scattered reports bearing similar news were starting to come in from other systems as well. The war was entering its final days.
He had also informed her that he was aware of her condition, as it was Dr. Chakwas duty to inform the Alliance of any medical condition that could compromise a soldiers ability to carry out their duty. She had started to protest, but he had quickly assured her nothing would change with regards to her duties until she requested it when she was further along. It had surprised her to hear this, but she was grateful that he would let her do this on her own terms.
As relieved as she was that the Reapers were finally gone, she felt an odd emptiness at the thought. For three years it had been all about making it from one battle to the next, trying to stay a step ahead of the Reaper forces. Now, stuck in the hospital, she had nothing but time to think. And time to think was something she'd been desperately trying to escape.
Her nightmares were worse than ever. Now not only did she hear the voices of the friends she'd lost, she often felt the fire as she'd destroyed the Reapers rip over her flesh and scorch everything in sight. She would often wake up screaming and panicking that she was back on the Citadel, watching as her hand fired her pistol and shot Anderson, though sometimes it would be Kaidan instead. The mere memory of those dreams made her shudder.
She was never alone at night though. Kaidan was there most nights and would hold her tightly when she woke, reassuring her that they were alright. Nights he was on duty she would often find Garrus and Tali, Liara, or James at her bedside.
She smiled at the thought of all her friends. Though she had always hoped, she never really imagined that they would all make it through the war together. Now Garrus and Tali were together, Joker had EDI, and she had Kaidan. She sighed and put a hand to her abdomen, imagining she could feel a tiny heartbeat under her fingers.
She still wasn't really sure how she felt about being pregnant; it all seemed too surreal to her. She had once fantasized about it sure, but she had believed it impossible after being resurrected by Cerberus. She had even come to terms with it on some level. To say she wasn't happy about it would be wrong however. After all the death and devastation she'd witnessed in the last few years, to be alive and carrying Kaidan's baby...she didn't have words to describe it.
Kaidan was more than thrilled about it. Once he'd recovered from his shell shocked stupor, he had asked Dr. Chakwas about the health of the baby considering the extensive injuries Shepard had sustained in the final battle. Chakwas had reassured them both that Shepard's armour had offered enough protection that the fetus was unharmed. Once she had realized the Commander's condition, she had run additional tests and scans to ensure everything was fine before deciding to inform them of the news. She had then offered her congratulations and excused herself to see to some other patients.
Once she had left, Kaidan hadn't been able to hide his excitement. They had spent over two hours discussing everything before he had asked if she would be okay with him telling his mother, saying that news like this was exactly what she needed. Shepard had smiled and said that it was a good idea.
A few stray tears escaped Shepard's eyes as she considered that, if not for that damn Collector attack, this would be their second child.
*Well,* she thought wryly as she wiped her eyes. *At least I blew them and their fucking base straight to hell.*
She stiffened when she heard someone struggling over the rubble behind her and turned to see Joker slowly limping his way over.
"Hey Commander," he sighed gratefully as he sat down next to her. "You know, next time you decide to go AWOL from your room, pick a place I can get to without almost shattering my legs."
Shepard chuckled. "Duly noted," she turned and grinned at him. "Though I figured by now your 'Mobility Assistance Mech' would be carrying you almost everywhere."
Joker snickered. "Ha ha, very funny Commander. I'm a cripple, not an invalid." Shepard laughed nudged him with her shoulder. He smiled and put his arm around her shoulders before they lapsed into a comfortable silence, just watching as people below them worked on the many cleanup and rebuild projects.
Joker looked over her appraisingly. They had grown close during the time that they'd worked for Cerberus. Shepard had often come to him when she couldn't sleep or just simply needed someone to lean on. He had even developed a crush of his commanding officer; but he had always known that her heart was spoken for, so he'd contented himself with just being her friend. She had once told him that he and Garrus were the brothers she never had.
He had wanted to shoot out Kaidan's kneecaps after what happened on Horizan, and Garrus had offered to lend him his sniper rifle, but Shepard had actually threatened to throw them both out the airlock if they ever attempted anything of the sort. When Kaidan had rejoined the Normandy crew, he and Garrus had gone to have a "talk" with him late one night when they knew Shepard was asleep. They had filled Kaidan in on everything that had gone on during their time with Cerberus and how much Horizan had affected the woman they all cared for deeply. They had hinted in no uncertain terms that if Kaidan ever did something like that to her again, he would answer to them. Once the surprise had worn off, Kaidan had nodded in understanding, even thanking them for being there for her when he hadn't been.
Joker's brow furrowed slightly as he took in the stress lines around Shepard's eyes. He knew that look; he'd had seen it every time she had second guessed herself about a mission or a decision she'd made.
"You know you did everything you possibly could Shepard." He said as he watched her. "Had they actually taken their heads out of their asses three years ago, maybe we could have done more to prepare, but I think we did pretty damn good considering the hand we were dealt."
Shepard continued to watch the people, and he could see the tears pooling in the corners of her eyes before she answered. "Still feels hollow though. We lost so much and so many." She swallowed as a tear ran down her cheek. "Anderson, Legion, Mordin, Thane, Ashley... I just wish I could have saved them all."
"Damn it Shepard!" Joker hissed. He knew the slippery slope she was on. He had gone through a period of PTSD after the first Normandy crash and had been put on forced leave. He sure as hell wasn't going to watch her slide down into it. "They all fought for this future. A future you made possible by bringing us all together." She looked at him, her eyes wide in surprise.
He sighed, regretting his harsh tone. "Sorry," he said as he looked back out at the city. "It's just...without you Shepard, we never would have survived Sovereign. They all fought and died so that we could keep going." He looked back at her and frowned. "Don't waste their sacrifice by wallowing in the 'maybe's' and 'what if's'." Shepard just continued to blink and stare at him in surprise. She was silent for so long that he started to fidget uncomfortably, praying he hadn't crossed some sort of line with her.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, she smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks Jeff." She whispered as she laid her head on his shoulder. "You're a good friend."
Joker snickered and blushed slightly. "Yeah, yeah. Just don't go telling anyone about it, or they'll think I'm going soft."
Shepard chuckled and stood up to stretch. "Yeah, wouldn't want that now would we?" she winced slightly as her newly healed ribs and muscles protested the stretch. "So did you just come here to yell at me?" she asked teasingly.
"I would never yell at you Commander." He replied with feigned innocence. "I know better than to yell at someone who could snap my arms and beat me with them." He grinned up at her. "But yeah, I came to spring you. Figured you were probably on the verge of crazy after over a month in the hospital."
Shepard gave him a crooked smiled as she helped him up. "You know me Joker; can't keep a good soldier down."
"Yeah well, speaking of good soldier," he grumbled as they started back towards her room. "We got orders from Hackett this morning to prep the Normandy and head to the Destiny Ascension."
A dark look crossed her face, but disappeared quickly. "The council?"
He nodded, a small smile playing across his face. "I ignored their comms for the last few days. Even hung up on them once, though Alenko was kinda pissed about that one."
Shepard gave him an exasperated look, though there was a humorous twinkle in her eyes. "Never gonna let me live that down are you?"
"Hell no! It was classic!" he laughed as they stopped at the makeshift entrance. "Anyways, guess they contacted Hackett. He tried stalling, but they got pretty insistent about needing their Spectre's, so James and I came to get you." As if on cue, the hulking figure of James Vega came in from the street.
"Good to see you up on your feet Lola." He smiled as he gave her a one armed hug and looked her over. "I gotta say though, that ensemble does nothing for that fine bod of yours." He winked and gave her an impish grin before unslinging the pack he was carrying from his shoulders.
Shepard smiled and shook her head at the Lieutenant. "Careful Vega or you'll make me blush." They both laughed at the old joke. "So what's in the pack?" she asked as he set it down in front of her.
"Compliments of Admiral Hackett." He said as she knelt down to inspect the contents. "Not sure where he scrounged it from, but he said you'd probably need it."
Shepard inhaled sharply as she took in the site of a brand new set of N7 armour and an M-3 Predator pistol. Joker's brow furrowed as he noticed her hands shake slightly as she ran her fingers over then N7 insignia. He looked over at Vega and saw his worry mirrored there. Shepard closed the pack and hefted it over her shoulder.
"Let me help you Commander," Vega said as he moved to take the pack from her.
"It's fine Lieutenant," And just like that she was Commander Shepard again. It was a mask she wore all too well. "Prep the shuttle." She ordered them as she turned and headed back towards her room. James and Joker shared another worried look.
"Ever realize how scary she is when she does that?" James asked as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall across from Joker.
Joker snickered. "You're talking about a woman who stopped the Geth and Quarians from killing each other by shouting at them."
James chuckled at the memory."Yeah, and that was after she went toe to toe with a damn Reaper." He sighed and looked out at the landing pad across from them. "Still though, I'm worried about her."
When Joker didn't say anything, James continued. "You ever sit with her during the night?"
Joker shook his head. "Not since she woke up. Been busy with the repairs."
James nodded. "Lola's one of the toughest soldiers I've ever met. I mean, the things she's seen would make anyone loco" he shook his head and let out a deep breath. "But at night when she thinks no one's watching...it's like everything she's buried comes crashing around her."
Joker nodded in concern. "Did you tell Alenko?"
"He knows. Says it's been like that since he's been back on the Normandy." They stopped their conversation as Shepard came back into view.
"Come on," she said as she walked past them and led the way to the shuttle. "Is Major Alenko back on the Normandy?"
"Aye Commander," James said as he tried to keep pace with her. "He arrived back from his mission just as we were setting out."
Shepard and James reached the shuttle and James went to fire up the engines. Shepard waited for Joker outside the hatch and gave him an apologetic smile as he limped up to her.
"Don't worry about it." He said as he climbed past her. "I know how you get when you go all 'Commander' on us." They shared a small smile before Joker headed into the cockpit.
"Get the hell out of that seat Vega," he said as he removed his cap and whacked James in the head with it. "I did not survive a Reaper invasion just to die in a fiery shuttle crash."
Shepard tuned out their bickering as they lifted off, watching the vid screen as the ruins of London passed below them.
*Just a bit more,* she thought as she ran her hand across her abdomen again. *A bit more.*