I felt pissed, angry, betrayed, and all rightfully so. What Sara had done was ridiculous. Out of character. Sure she'd gotten into some bad things, but I couldn't see her giving herself up that easily. And to her very first girlfriend, no less. She wasn't a whore. She had more respect for herself than that.

Part of me couldn't help but think that she'd done it because of me, because she'd known that I would've found out. The words she said to me replayed in my mind. Move on. She'd said it so softly, so gently, that I had barely heard her. There was a nervousness behind it, from the shock I assumed, but it was clear that she meant it.

But what had she meant exactly? Move on from what? All the childhood fantasies we had had that I still hopelessly lugged around like deadweight? Was she telling me to be realistic, that there was no way for us to be that close? Or did she know what I felt, that there was something more than twin love behind my emotions? I hadn't quite figured it out yet or admitted the possibility, but she was smarter than I and quicker to catch on. Was she trying to stop me from realizing it, or just suffocating the seed of desire before it had a chance to bloom?

It didn't matter what her reasons were, though. Sara could've gone about it differently. There were other ways, less hurtful ways to get her point across. I was still her twin. She knew, had to have known, what her actions would do to me, how much it would hurt me. Why would she do something like that?

I couldn't forgive her. Not for abandoning me. Not for crushing my dreams. Not for hurting me. Not for anything. If she wanted me to move on, I would. If she wanted me out of her life, I'd leave.

I could be just as stubborn and hard-headed as she was. All I needed was the right motivation, and she had provided that. Consumed by anger, I would hold my grudge against her until she begged for forgiveness and meant every plea to leave her lips.

There was no more joining her lunch table, picking the seat next to her in class, going to the same parties as her, or visiting her in her room. And most important of all, there was no more tent. She caught on quickly that I was giving her the cold shoulder, but she didn't seem to mind. It took her weeks to look me in the eye. Whether it was because she was trying to prove her point or because she was ashamed of herself, I didn't know. Even when she regained her composure, when she looked at me, I looked away. Whether it was in the hallways at school or the ones at home., I refused to associate with her.

By leaving her side, it also meant that I was leaving behind all the benefits of being her sister. None of the people that I'd known through her continued talking to me. I wasn't important to them because they weren't important to me. I had never tried getting to know them. Others had been the last thing that about which I had been concerned, and that didn't chance. I was now the number one priority on my list, bumping Sara out of the top stop, but everyone else was still on the bottom.

Being lonely wasn't as bad as everyone made it out to be. I wasn't bothered, but perhaps that was because nearly no one knew who I was. I had always been invisible, and I was good at it.

Or, at least, I thought I was until someone approached me.

Two firm taps on my shoulder in History class scared me far more than they should have. At first I thought that maybe a large bug had dropped from the ceiling and landed on me, but when the action was repeated a second time, I knew it was deliberate. Startled, I turned around to face the dark-haired boy behind me, the perpetrator of the act of spatial violation. I looked at him expectantly.

"'Sup?" he asked nonchalantly.

My face scrunched in bafflement. That's what he had to say? That's what he got my attention for? I turned around and rolled my eyes. This was why I didn't talk to people.

He leaned forward so that he wouldn't have to speak as loudly. His words were hot on my neck. "What? Are you too good for me or something?"

I turned to face him again. "I don't even know you."

"Do you know anybody?" He paused to observe my expression, checking to see if I'd taken it offensively. I hadn't decided if I had yet. "I mean, I just never see you talking to anybody. And you never answer questions. You're very quiet. Introverted."

"Well, that's just the way I am." I faced the head of the class again, cautious of the teacher.

"I'm Jeremy by the way."

I didn't respond to him.

"Just because we're in the same class and you already know my name and I know yours, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't introduce yourself correctly, Tegan. It's only polite."

What a smart ass. I still didn't say anything.

Apparently just because the guy had said a couple of sentences to me, he felt like he had the right to smile at me in the hallways or say hi to me when I came to class. It was weird. He wasn't doing it for shits and giggles, gaining the quiet girl's trust just to make fun of her naiveté behind her back. It was genuine, and I realized that I should probably dissemble some of the wall I'd built up and be nice to him back. Say hi back every once in a while. But we never really talked. I wouldn't have even called him an acquaintance then.

That's why I was surprised to feel him take the seat next to me on the bus after school one day.

"Is it okay if I sit here, Teegs?" I nodded, stunned to see him. "Is it okay if I call you Teegs?" I nodded again. No one besides Sara or my parents had ever given me a nickname before.

"You ride this bus?" I rode the same public transportation bus home every day, and I had never seen him on it.

He shrugged. "Sometimes. I'm visiting a friend."

I stared at the back of the navy blue seat in front of me, having nothing else to say. An awkward silence swept over us like tear gas. He fidgeted with the straps and zippers of his back pack as if if he could open it, he would find the right words to say buried deep inside of it. With some slight discomfort, he did managed to stammer out his next two sentence. "You uh - You looked lonely. That's why I sat here."

"But I'm used to being alone, remember?"

"Yeah, but I was surprised to see you without your sister. You guys seem to hang out a lot."

What was I saying? I had never been alone a day in my life because of Sara. Even this stranger could tell how much we were together, or well, used to be before she broke my hear. "We don't really hang out much anymore."

"Yeah, I kind of noticed that too." He looked over at Sara, sitting by herself at the front of the bus. "Why aren't you two sitting together?"

Because I didn't want to talk to her. Because I didn't' want to think about her or anything she had done. I frowned. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you two -"

"I cut him off. "I said I don't want to talk about it!"

He backed off. "Sorry." Another minute of silence. "Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Good, because this is my stop, and I don't want to leave on bad terms. He winked, stood up, and pulled the cable, hanging from the top rails, signaling the driver to stop the bus. "But I am going to get you to tell me what's wrong eventually."

Before I could protest that it was none of his business, he was gone.

A few days later he rode the bus again, and again he sat by me. He didn't ask like he had the first time, but I didn't tell him that he couldn't sit there. I'd grown tolerant of his company, used to it.

He looked at Sara, sitting in the same spot she was the last time, the spot we had always sat at together. It was the closest seat to the bus doors. We were always eager to get home as fast as possible. But now I didn't care that my seat was farther back, that I would have to walk a longer distance to the house. I couldn't be around her. Jeremy was as good a replacement as any.

"Are you two still mad at each other?"

"Who said we were mad at each other?"" I hadn't told him anything except that I didn't want to talk about it. He'd been good about not prying, taking my apprehension seriously. It was kind of him.

"Well, you two used to be connected at the hip, but I haven't seen you talk in forever. There's obviously something going down."

Damn his observational skills. I wasn't aware that anyone paid attention to us. There was no denying something bad had happened, but there was no way that he was getting the full story. "Okay, yeah, we're fighting."

"What'd she do? Borrow your clothes without asking? Steal your best friend? Date the guy you like, or something?"

"Yeah. The last one," I said, picking the most true without it being accurate.

"Can you really blame her though? You're twins, wouldn't you be attracted to the same people?"

I thought he was supposed to be on my side, not Sara's. "She's only dating him because she knows it'll make me mad."

"Ah, so she's just a bitch?"

A bitch? I could have killed him on the spot for saying something lke that about my sister. Sara was perfect, the further thing from a bitch. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be upset with her. SO I bit my tongue and listened.

"Well then all you have to do is prove that her bitchiness isn't effecting you. Don't' give her the cold shoulder because that's still a reaction. Pretend that you're not bothered at all. Do everything the same way you did before. Maybe even say that you're happy for her and him."

"But I am bothered by it, and I'm not happy for them. I can't just act like it didn't happen."

He chewed on the corner of his bottom lip for a moment, peeling a thing white strip of skin from the raw, red mass of tissue, a habit he acquired when he was thinking. "You can pretend that you've moved on, found another guy. Then she might even leave her boyfriend, so you can get him back!"

He was optimistic, proud of himself even, but I shook my head. "She knows that I wouldn't get over him like that. It would never work."

"It could work! You don't know that it wouldn't."

This whole lie was sounding more ridiculous to me by the minute. I hated that I had to use 'he' when the fact was that I'd never talked to one guy my age besides Jeremy. Liking one had never even crossed my mind. But it wasn't like I could tell Jeremy that I was really trying to win back my sister from herself. She was the one who had messed everything up, and I just wanted them to be the way they used to be. No matter how angry I acted towards her, all I wanted was for everything to be okay again.

We passed the street Jeremy had gotten off on the last time, and I looked at him to make sure he realized it.

"Who said I was going to the same place as last time?"

I hadn't considered the thought, but accepted it now. I had derailed the previous conversation and that was enough for me. Five minutes later, Sara and I arrived at out stop. To my surprise, Jeremy followed me off the bus. "What are you doing? I asked him, stalling at the bus stop as Sara walked ahead of us. This was my way of purposefully putting space between the two of us without calling attention to it.

"My stop is just a couple of blocks from here. I figured I could walk you home and then head over there."

Walking me home? Sure, I knew the guy better than I did at first, but still it didn't feel like I knew him enough that he would come to my house. "Why are you doing this?"

He slung his camouflage backpack over his shoulder, and I was reminded for a split second of the tent I had destroyed.

"Because we still haven't figured out what to do about your sister! I want to help."

Sara rounded the corner and ducked out of sight. I felt that she was far enough ahead of us that we could start walking.

"So what do you suggest I do?" I doubt anything he recommended would be helpful because he didn't know the whole situation, but I felt bad that he'd gone out of his way for me. At the least, I would entertain him.

"I still don't see what's wrong with the finding another guy idea. Are you worried about hurting someone's feelings, leading them on when you don't really want a relationship with them? Because I'll let you in on a little secret: most guys don't give a shit about you. They won't be hurt if you break up with them. All they want is a fuck buddy. If you wont' be that for them, then they'll be more than happy to find someone who will. So by all means, go ahead and lead on some douche bag and pull the rug out from under him."

"That's not it. She knows that I don't have eyes for anyone else."

"But it's high school! Emotions fluxuate. Girls like one guy on Monday, another on Tuesday, and a third on Wednesday. She'll believe that you've found someone else."

I sighed. "You're impossible. It won't work. You don't know me or my sister." The words came out crueler than I thought. I still wasn't used to being gentle when it concerned people's feelings. I had no practice. To me, everyone was just like the brother and sister that were our neighbors. I couldn't understand them no matter how hard I tried. But I apologized because I'd gotten out of hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just have a lot going on right now."

"It's alright," he assured me, more understanding than most kids our age would have probably.

"Anyway, this is my house," I said stopping in front of our home. "We're here." I thought we'd part ways on the sidewalk, but he walked me up to the house too.

I tried the handle, but the door was locked. Sara's doing, I supposed. I knocked. Mom answered. She smiled at me as I stepped in, but her eyes lit up with intrigue as she noticed my guest. I took off my shoes and noticed that Sara was sitting on the couch watching TV. Except her eyes were more focused on Jeremy than the rerun of Full House. My mom's hand shot out. Jeremy shook it, and she introduced herself. "Hi, I'm Sonia, Tegan's mom."

Jeremy smiled politely at her, but kept his main attention on Sara. Their eyes stayed connected. Sara looked grumpy like she always did these days, but there was an evil glint in Jeremy's eye. Something I'd never seen in him before. He smirked to himself, but it was barely noticeable. If I hadn't been looking, then I wouldn't have noticed it. Looking towards my mom he said, "I'm Jeremy." To Sara: "Tegan's boyfriend."

My eyes went wide and my jaw fell open. My mom tried to hide the smile behind her eyes and the one on her thin lips. Sara went pale. I couldn't believe what he'd just done.

"I should probably get going," Jeremy announced. "I have a friend waiting on me." He smiled at my mom. "Nice meeting you." Sara he just glanced at before turning and winking at me.

I could have killed him.

He left and so did Sara. She ran down the hallway where she entered her room and slammed the door. She didn't look so good, paler than she was the previous minute, and I could have sworn I saw a tear on her cheek.

I wanted to smile because the plan had actually worked. I had upset her. What I'd done - made her jealous, angry, confused? - was a mystery, but that didn't matter to me. I had succeeded in hurting her the way she had hurt me.

But then guilt, worse guilt than I'd ever felt before ripped through me like an arrow shot from a bow. I'd hurt the girl I loved. I'd damaged my sister. I'd upset my twin. My life used to be centered around making her happy. How could I have done this? I couldn't belive I'd hurt her just because of a stupid grudge. I wanted to take it all back, take her pain away for her, carry it around with me as if I had been sent to Hell. As long as she was fine again. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.