Last night sucked.
I've been a bit of a jerk lately to Tweek behind his back. After Craig left I finally realized this. I should have tried to give Tweek more respect...dare I say, more love, than I had been up to that point. But with Craig standing there staring into my eyes...there almost was no Tweek. I kept tossing and turning at these thoughts. I hadn't said anything positive about Tweek while Craig was there, I might have defended him a little, but that was only a round-about way of defending myself. Then Craig got a little condescending when he found out I was dating Tweek and instead of just holding my ground and being happy, like Craig probably would have, I folded like a silk scarf. I'd be totally whipped if Craig was wearing that silk scarf. I'm the worst...how can I...
Ha! I'll make it up to Tweek! I'll show him he means something to me. Tomorrow we're going to have a wonderful time together. I can beat this...
I don't think I can beat this. Tweek was so happy to see me today. It made me feel confident and to feel like not as much of a shitty bug when I strode into his house gallantly after school that day and said, "We're going to have the best night of our lives." If I really liked Tweek...then why did I feel like it was charity or something to come and see him? We're on his bed and he's lying next to me peacefully now. I'm not sure if he's awake or asleep. One thing I can admit is that I went all out pleasuring him that evening. The thing is...I put so much effort into it as a way to show Craig that I'm worth something. As if me doing it so vigorously would make Craig feel my lips around him wherever he was, and he'd fall in love with me. Something ludicrous like that. Shouldn't I care about what Tweek thinks? I do...but I only want him thinking that I'm devoted to him. Such a horrible front to put up. What can I do? Call the whole thing off? No, no of course not. That won't work. Just the thought of it makes me queasy. I'm a bona fide pussy after all.
As I lay there perspiring Tweek took the initiative to roll over to me and take my shirt off. I really didn't want to be bare-chested.
"Tweek...don't-"
Despite my feeble protests he continued, forcibly yanking my shirt off with such strength one wouldn't have guessed from his slim frame. He snuggled up to me and rested his head on my chest, as if he was wrapping himself in his favorite blanket. It made me really nervous. He started caressing the side of my stomach with his hand. I didn't know what he was trying to pull but I said whatever I could to make it stop. My face was burning and my sweat was turning cold from fear, him being so close to my flab can't end well.
"A-aren't your parents going to be home soon?" I said this loudly, hoping it'd be enough to startle him to stop. But it didn't, he didn't even flinch.
"Not for another hour at least." He said softly, in one gentle breath.
He's still holding onto me. "J-just stop, Tweek." I closed my eyes tightly, hoping if I concentrated hard enough he'd hear my thoughts.
He sighed. "This is unbelievable, Clyde. Here we are. I could never imagine something like this would actually happen. When I started getting a crush on you I...it was kind of horrible. Just...you just can't prepare yourself for those kind of things. I started going crazy; I thought I was a freak. Heh, now even Craig is with another guy."
I tensed at hearing Craig's name. God, why did you have to bring him up?! "Y-yeah." I felt like I should at least respond.
He continued. "You know...I'm still not sure how I got up the nerve to tell you how I felt. My head went dizzy when it was all happening. I-I didn't know if it was a lack of coffee or what, but when you hugged me everything became clear and beautiful."
Holy shit...Tweek is never this composed. What has he been drinking lately? He's still resting on my flabby stomach...I still can't accept it. I was about to gently push him away until he said: "I don't even care if our parents find out about how far our relationship has gone."
My brain replayed what Tweek had just said back to me.
"You're not going to tell them, are you?!" I might have said this too harshly, but my nerves were on edge and some demon-spawned shit-storm will hit if this thing becomes too public.
"Ah! N-n-no not unless you say it's okay!"
He pulled away from me and started twitching again. I took the opportunity to grab my shirt from off the floor on my side of the bed and put it on quickly. After having it off for so long it felt like I was putting my body armor back on. I issued a small sigh of relief and looked back at Tweek. He was looking at me with those wide, innocent eyes of his. He seems more normal to me when he's twitchy like this. My eyes softened and I felt horrible. He didn't deserve that.
"Sorry, Tweek, you just caught me off-guard is all."
He calmed slightly and a warm smile crept on his face. He inched forward a little and held my hand. I can deal with him holding my hand. It was really warm. My thoughts and heartbeat calmed when he stared into my eyes and started speaking so softly again.
"Look, I know it's shocking for me to say something like that but I mean it. Saying something like that before would have been impossible but I've realized something lately that makes all of those other things so unimportant. So I don't even care about them. You know, what other people think, what can happen, because now I'm focused."
What are you talking about, Tweek? "Wait, what? What did you realize?" I don't think I can raise my eyebrow any higher. I'm confused as shit.
"I r-realized...that I love you, Clyde."
My face drained of all blood. I almost passed out. After that information hit my brain, and it was processed, all conscious thought shut down and I was only able to focus on the physical repercussions of what Tweek had just said. I couldn't move anything. I felt so numb. For a small moment, I felt a warm glow inside my chest. The fire was quickly doused when my brain fired back up and all of these random thoughts hit me. The most prevalent one, was "I'm shit." Among others, how selfish I was and how I didn't deserve such a statement. I don't know how long all of this lasted but I was finally able to look at Tweek and see him twitching so violently, yet having such a calm face. I bet he didn't mean that. He couldn't have. Maybe I misheard.
"Ugh-" I coughed, and proceeded to get moisture back into my mouth by closing it and swirling my tongue around. "What?"
"I-I love you."
This is getting worse. He said it the first time with such force, but now he said it apprehensively. I'm fucking this up. I need to get away. I dashed for the door and almost opened it to make my escape. The last rational piece of my mind that I owned told me to say something.
"I-I-I forgot something really important. I need to get home! T-thank you, Tweek! Really! Thanks!" That sounded fucking cheesy. I grabbed my shoes that were next to the door and put them on as I ran to the front door of the house.
"C-Clyde??"
I barely heard him call my name as I bolted out the door to my car. I hope to God he doesn't come outside. Fortunately my car started up immediately and I peeled out of the driveway. The small amount of snow on the street touching the sidewalk made a satisfying crunch as I reversed over it and pulled out onto the open road. I roughly put the car into drive and made my escape. This shouldn't have happened. You shouldn't be saying you love me Tweek, you should break up with me or something. I don't deserve any of it. I...I want Craig. Just realize that and let's forget about everything. I feel so hollow and sick. I'm sure I could have handled that better. But what could I have said? I had enough of a conscience not to say it back. He was probably expecting it though. After all, I was the one who set up this date tonight. I don't know what I thought. Maybe I was hoping such action would galvanize me into liking Tweek more. I also did it to quell my guilt. As usual, it's all about me. In some way it was fine before. But not now...not after this.
When I arrived home I went straight to my computer. I needed something to clear my head.
"Have you finished your homework for tomorrow, Clyde?" My mother shouted at me from the kitchen. I shouted back something like "Muh!" in response. I couldn't create words very well and I didn't want to speak with anyone. I hadn't touched my homework, either.
I sat at my desk with my computer holding my head hard between both of my hands, forcing myself in any way possible to give the monitor one-hundred percent of my attention. I didn't think rational thoughts at the time, and when I saw something funny on screen I didn't react, I just let it bounce off as a way to jar my thoughts from thinking about what had happened earlier.
Then my mother came into my room with the cordless phone. "Tweek's on the line." She said dully. Like a robot I stretched my hand out so she could slap it into my palm. "Get off the computer and get your homework done when you're finished talking to him." She sighed and left the room.
I stared in horror at the phone in my hand. I couldn't bring it up to my ear until I heard Tweek shouting my name from the small device. I brought it up to my ear and whispered. "Hi."
"AGH! J-Jesus man! I-I'm sorry should I not have said that?! What's wrong?!" Tweek hadn't been like this in a while.
Should he not have said that? Probably not. It would make things easier for me, that's for sure, but I couldn't tell him that. "N-no...I...um..." What do I say? Now that he called I no longer felt like I could just run away from it. I had to deal with it...at least to a certain extent. Then I thought of something...it was really petty but it was all I could think of.
"Tweek, why do you love me?" Maybe if he thought about it he'd realize that he doesn't love me. My girly side thought that there was a slight possibility he'd say something wonderful and I would fall in love with him.
"Wh...why do I love you??" See? That tone was putting me at ease. It seemed like he'd say, "Fuck you!" at any moment.
"D-dude...I..." He stopped talking. I could hear him breathing erratically on the other end. "I don't really love you." Right? That's what you want to say? Go ahead. It's the truth. It has to be.
"Because...you're...you."
What does that mean?? Shit...apparently he still loves me. Or at least he thinks he does. My hand went limp. I was mentally exhausted.
"Clyde?!" I could hear him yelling over the phone again. I slowly brought it back to my mouth.
"Okay, Tweek. I'll see you tomorrow." I hung up.
-----
Last night really sucked.
I...I can love Tweek eventually...right? I mean, why not? Really...some day I'll say it to him and mean it. But for now, things are going to be tense. When I picked up Tweek so we could go to school I didn't know how right I was about the tensity until then. It was actually amazing...instead of being pissed or annoyed or...anything like that he looked ashamed. I had to say something. Whatever I thought of that might make him feel better.
"Um...you don't really love me, right?"
His shoulders slumped down further. I slowed the car down so I could look at him. I was turning into a nervous wreck over all of this.
"I-if you want me to take it back...I will...I just..."
"No, Tweek. If you mean it..." I squeaked out the words "mean it" because I was admitting to myself that he really felt that way, "...then just be honest." I meant what I said as well. Him saying he doesn't love me just because I want him to is plain shitty. I started sweating at this. Somehow...to make things easier...I need to be able to love him back.
"Do...do you not love me?"
Fuck, I think my heart stopped beating. I sped the car up in an attempt to look like I was focused. I'm a dumb-ass...I need to say something. I can't just ignore this. I glanced over at him, expecting him to be twitching or something. He sat there as still as could be, staring at the floor. I could barely make out the movement of his chest as he breathed. This was all horrible for him too, his knuckles were white from clutching his coffee thermos.
"Hey, go ahead and have some of your coffee. It's kind of cold out." Fortunately he did so, he took quite a large gulp actually. It made me feel a little better until I remembered I needed to answer his question. I slowed the car down again. Good thing there's not a lot of traffic around these parts. I looked at him partially while keeping my eye on the road.
"Okay...you're great, Tweek. But I...I'm not really sure I know what 'love' is right now. Please don't take it personally. I haven't had a very romantic life or anything so I think I'm emotionally stunted that way." It was a bit of a soft-ball excuse I know. I just wanted Tweek to feel better if at all possible.
"I see..." He said without emotion.
I cringed. I don't think what I said helped at all. Now that I think about it...Tweek is probably the same way. How could he have had any kind of romantic experience before this? Yet he still had the balls to say he loves me. Ugh, fuck, he's probably seeing right through my bull-shit. Well, not all of it, but still. I reasoned I should keep my mouth shut before I made things worse. My stomach and chest were hurting more and more from guilt. The only thing I could say to myself to lessen the pain was to say that someday I'll love Tweek back.
-----
Maybe if I didn't have to go to school things would have been easier. But I had to. I almost thought of transferring, but then it'd be like a 40 minute commute to another high-school. That and it'd be pretty suspicious for me to go do such a thing. See, part of me still thinks things will work out with Tweek, but Craig is still around at school. For a little while I was able to reject the idea of Craig being gay...but then he'd get "friendly" with Kyle around the school. Nothing serious, just how he'd grasp his hand or run his fingers through Kyle's hair. Damn I get hot just looking at it. It's better than watching porn on the computer. You know the craziest damn part? The girls still love him. They think he's just showing a sensitive side or something, and maybe he'll come back someday for more girl action. He never says he won't, but probably just because he loves to flirt. That's another one of those I want it; I don't want it situations. If he did go back to straight, if that even ever happens, then maybe I could just forget about him. It'd make things easier to be sure. Then again, my little fantasies about being with him would lose so much of their flavor if he went back. As much as I try to fight it, I still think seriously about what it'd be like to hook up with him. I honestly wish I wasn't so smitten by him...but I really can't help it. It's something that has developed over such a long period of time. Ever since I started thinking about relations and all that. There was Craig, growing into one of the big hotties of the school. Even though we don't really hang out anymore, I keep thinking about what an ego boost it'd be for me to get him. That would really mean something.
Lunch has become a dismal affair. Tweek still sits across from me as usual but never speaks. If it was Craig, nothing would get said. I have enough courage to start talking with Tweek. I say whatever I can think of to cheer him up. Other than those three words that he said to me that night. I couldn't lie like that. I thought up something ridiculous to hopefully make him crack a smile.
"Did you know my great-grandfather was a weasel miner? Damnedest thing. I'm not sure if it was for their milk or pelts or what but man they'd leave the mine some days with horrible battle scars. Those little shits can be vicious when threatened."
I heard sputtering to my left. "Wha-what the fuck are you talking about?!" I looked over to see Craig laughing and wiping his mouth of the Pepsi he'd almost sprayed everywhere. He had his left arm around Kyle who was sitting next to him. Kyle was giving me a confused, yet slightly amused look. I tried hard not to beam at Craig. It had been so long since I'd made him laugh like that, and it felt great. Then I saw Tweek stand up out of the corner of my eye.
"See ya later." He said weakly, and then walked off with his tray. Damn it, I wish he'd cheer up.
I heard Craig say, "Hold on." to Kyle. He then scooted over next to me. "What's up, man? Trouble in paradise?" Holy hell, he's talking to me like this? About my relationship no less?
"You could say that." Maybe I should have lied, but it was obvious something was up.
He just chuckled. "Kyle and I could use some entertainment. Tell you what, let's go to Char-broiled Charley's around 5:30 after school today and talk about it. Maybe we can help."
The fuck...? Was he serious? "Yeah...okay."
"Great, see you then. Just come over around that time and we'll meet you there."
We? I had some sort of temporary euphoria about the thought of Craig asking me out that I forgot about Kyle. I was to be their "entertainment"? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but no way was I just going to cancel. I was desperate, and as usual lacked guts. Token, still sitting in his spot across from Craig, scoffed lightly. Ever since Craig had started dating Kyle, Token turned into Mr. Silent. I didn't know what he thought of the whole situation but he didn't seem exactly thrilled with it. Craig gave him a bored look and flipped him off. Kyle grinned a little. Wait...this means that Kyle is going to know about me and Tweek...or does he already know? I started feeling more queasy over the whole thing. How are they going to try and help me, what will I say?
-----
I dropped Tweek off at his house as usual. Feeling even more like shit due to the uh...'date' I was going to have that day with Craig. Ugh...and Kyle. Tweek didn't seem ashamed anymore. It was hard to read his expression exactly. But there was definitely some pain there. I still felt like I should say whatever I could to make him feel better. This was my fault after all.
"Tweek...are you okay?" I did what I could to show some concern, like I cared. Well...I did care. But honestly, it was mostly so I could feel better.
As he made an attempt to get out of the car he froze. After a moment he said. "At first I was hoping that you were scared of your true feelings for me and didn't want to be rushed. But now..." He got out and shut the door. He didn't even shut it hard enough for it to catch completely. As hard as it was for me to imagine, things were getting worse. He was becoming more and more miserable, and it was all my fault. Well...not all my fault, right? I mean...I didn't force him into a relationship. Maybe Craig and Kyle can help somehow.
I'd been feeling a little embarrassed lately about my performance in school so I actually took some time before going to the burger joint to get some homework done. Somehow knowing I was going to meet Craig later made it easier for me to work on it, as if Craig was my reward for doing hard work. I felt like winning some points with my mother so before I left to meet Craig and Kyle I shouted, "Hey, I already have my homework done for the day!" It was a lie, there were still more math problems I had to do, but they were the long, annoying ones. My limited determination can only get me so far.
"Good." Is all she said. I don't think there was a lick of pride in her voice. Yeah, I don't think she believed that I should be proud of doing something I'm supposed to be doing anyways. I felt a little good about it. Enough at least to not think about Tweek too much.
Char-broiled Charley's was a decent burger place. You can get some pretty big burgers there if you wanted. I would have gotten a huge meal if I was going to be eating by myself, but I didn't want to pig out in front of Craig so I got a smaller burger and a smaller portion of fries than usual. It was getting close to 6:00 when Craig and Kyle finally showed up. I was ticked but didn't have the nerve to say anything. I was already finished with my food, and if I knew they would be so late I would have gotten something bigger, I was still a little hungry.
They ordered at the register then found me and sat in the bench across from mine. I had chosen a booth because the padding against the back of the benches made it more comfortable to sit there.
"Sorry we're late."
Craig was grinning a little too much for me to believe he was truly sorry. He and Kyle were panting slightly. Were they just...no, of course not. Basketball. Basketball. I wanted to ask why they were so late but I didn't dare. I tried to make small talk first. I didn't know where this conversation was going to go and it made me nervous. "So what did you guys order?"
"What? No, forget about that we're here to help." They were giggling. Why the hell are they giggling? Well, Kyle was a bit more of a giggler than Craig. Craig then coughed exaggeratedly and crossed his arms in front of him and gave me his most serious expression. "Now be honest, the problem is complications in the bedroom, right?"
My face flushed scarlet. They started talking animatedly so that saved me from further embarrassment.
"Oh damn it, Craig! Come on take this seriously!" Kyle jabbed Craig with his elbow in a joking manner, still grinning.
"Fuck you! I am serious." Craig gave him the finger full of flourish.
"Now, seriously. Let's get to the root of this." Kyle turned to look at me with those piercing eyes. They were actually quite dazzling. I was glad he didn't say anything about my blushing. I think my limbs were actually numb from all the blood my head needed to perform that feat. "So, why did you start going out with Tweek in the first place?"
This really was a mistake, but here I was, trapped. "Wh-why do you want to know that?"
"Well, sometimes just knowing why you're together is all you need."
I had to stall more. "Why are you two together?"
"Because we're hot." Craig cut in energetically. Kyle gave a small grin and kept his gaze on me.
"Clyde, this is about you. Come on, why do you like Tweek?" Is Kyle actually taking this seriously? Maybe he thinks I don't know what the real problem is and he's here to uncover it. I know what the problem is. With them both sitting there looking at me, I had a horrible thought: if I tell them I don't really like Tweek...maybe they'll have more respect for me. This caused a shooting pain in my chest that ricocheted down to my gut. I still proceeded. Maybe Kyle can help.
"I...here's the thing. Last night Tweek said he loved me-"
"SHIT son! That's crazy!"
"Really?!"
Did Craig call me son? At that point I just wished Kyle was there instead of both of them. It was more embarrassing to have Craig hear all of this and he really didn't seem to be taking it all that seriously. He really was just there for fun. Like a rowdy football fan. He's still hot, though, and this was all his idea. He's taking time out of his day to be with me. Technically.
"Well that's great, isn't it? What's the problem?" Kyle was getting excited at this point. I remembered how I hated him, but it was hard to think about that when he was being so earnest in helping me. Is he doing it because that's how he is? Or just to please Craig or something? I was liking Kyle a little more, and it was pissing me off. Cool-headed Kyle. Here's where I made my move to be more..."cool."
"I don't love him back."
"Awwww...why not?"
"Sometimes it can't be helped." Craig scoffed in a nonchalant manner.
The guy at the counter brought their food, at that point I had completely forgotten that his was a public venue. Thank God I picked the booth furthest from the front. I still blushed thinking that someone had heard all of that. I always have those kind of fears. Fortunately there were only a few people sitting down at the other end of the restaurant...if you can really call it that. Guess this place isn't very packed on week-days. Craig dug into his food but Kyle was still looking at me, his eyes creased with...I didn't really know, pain?
"Why don't you love him back?"
I could tell the truth. But then I'd have to kill myself for being so stupid. I thought of the answer I had given Tweek and rolled with that.
"I-I'm just not feelin' it I guess. Maybe I don't know what love really is. It's a little weird for me to be thinking about that at my age isn't it?"
Kyle sighed. "Age isn't a factor if you really love someone. You'll just know. Tell me, how did you feel after Tweek told you?" Okay Mr. Psychologist. Where are your glasses professor? This was making me even more uncomfortable. I liked Kyle being a little caring at first but now he's like trying to pierce my soul or something.
"I felt guilty." It was an honest answer and if anything didn't make me seem like the douche that I was. I have feelings. Just not for Tweek. Not at the moment...
"Because you didn't feel the same way?"
"Pretty much." I couldn't look into Kyle's eyes anymore. I think he was accusing me. I prayed that we were done.
"Can you think of a good reason why you don't love him?"
"D-don't you want to eat?" I pointed at his burger and fries. It made me a little hungry again to see them sitting there looking so fresh.
"Can you?" I noticed Craig looking at Kyle between bites. He had that sly, mischievous grin of his. He's enjoying Kyle drilling me, isn't he?
"What does that have to do with anything? If I don't love him, I don't love him!" I had to get away from the topic. My desire to say something about what I thought of Craig was starting to bubble up. That would probably shut them up at least. It was becoming a more rational idea, and that scared the shit out of me.
Damn Kyle still kept his tone level. "I'm not going to assume to know all the machinations of love..." Craig gave some sort of airy chuckle at Kyle's word here, "...but I'm sure logic plays into it somewhere and if you really sit down and think about why you should or shouldn't love someone, then it'll work itself out. If you focus you'll probably find you do love Tweek, I mean, if he loves you then there has to be some basis for you in turn to-"
Oh it's that simple, is it?! "I've tried! I really have but for some shitty reason it's not working!" I stood up. I had to get out of there. I used what reasoning I had left to thank them. "Thank you for coming here to talk to me. Really, but I gotta go."
As I walked to the exit, I heard Kyle shout, "Just keep thinking about it! Don't give up!"
He's still trying? As I drove back home I did think. I clung to Kyle's words as a way to squelch the guilt. Keep trying. If I keep trying that means I'm a good person. Tweek loves me. I told myself to just dwell on that. I never thought someone would say that to me. A thought flashed across my mind. Wait a minute...is that why...? I had a girlish dream that the first, and only, person who'd say he loved me was Craig. And now Tweek took that away? So even if Craig someday did say it, it wouldn't mean as much? No, it still would, right? Thinking about this actually gave me the gall to be a little angry with Tweek. I mean, it was true that he took the first love confession away from me. Because of this, I was able to keep my head a little cooler and not feel as much guilt. We're sort of even. I didn't say it to him, so he still has that chance.
-----
Tweek looked a bit solemn when I gave him his ride to school. We didn't say anything to each other. I still thought about how his confession was a bad thing. It wasn't until I saw Tweek at lunch that I realized how bone-crushingly stupid I was being. Just his posture...his face. Kyle gave me a stern look as he motioned his head towards Tweek then back to me. I didn't have the nerve to scowl at him for butting in on my life. I knew he was right. I sat across from Tweek.
"Hey."
Tweek took a sip of his coffee in response. At least he's still doing that. He still didn't look angry at all. Just depressed. I almost expected to see a small, black storm-cloud above his head. My guilt returned ten-fold. As much as I'd been a pussy up to that point, it was starting to get crushed under my guilt. I need to end things tonight. Tweek doesn't need me. If I let him go, he can start anew. Besides, him being like this would make it impossible for me to want to be with him. Fuck me! That's awful. It was true, though. But hey, me breaking it off with him means he'll cheer up and someone else can enjoy his company. I put that insensitive remark out of my head. Th-that wasn't me that really thought that. It was the devil.
"I uh...I need to talk to you today after school. Is that alright?"
He glanced up from the table to look at me. His eyes showed slightly more emotion instead of that dead stare. "Really?"
I prayed that what I heard wasn't a spark of hope in his tone. "Y-yeah. I'll call you before I come over."
"Okay."
We sat there in silence for the rest of lunch. Before I left the lunch-room Kyle tapped me on the shoulder. "So what's going on with you two?"
"I'm taking care of things tonight."
"So you realized you love him, right??"
"No. I'm breaking up with him. He doesn't deserve this."
"Ugh, shit dude. I...whatever. Do what you want."
Why does Kyle sound so upset? Wasn't I doing something admirable here? He'd understand more if he knew how much of a pussy I am. This is a big step for me. I felt like I could be just a little proud of myself for going through with it. Of course I kept getting those pangs of fear when I thought about doing it. Again, I thought about how I was doing the right thing. I remembered Kyle talking about being logical. This was logical. It really was. It sucked, but I needed to stop being selfish. I made a startling discovery when I realized how shitty I was. Just like I felt Craig used me as some sort of place-holder until he started dating girls: I was using Tweek as a place-holder for Craig. As soon as I knew Craig was gay, everything fell apart, quickly. This gave me some sort of courage to break up with Tweek. Hey, this was going to hurt me too, right? I didn't have a fallback, I was going to be single. Forever as far as I knew. This was a horrifying thought, but not as horrible as the thought of staying with Tweek for such selfish reasons. I do have some sort of a conscience; I'm just too weak to answer him right away. I had to do this.
I called Tweek and my heart sank when he sounded a little glad that I'd actually called and said I was coming over. This is going to be worse than tearing off a human-sized Band-Aid, isn't it?
Next thing I knew, I was at Tweek's door, ringing the bell. His mother answered.
"Oh, hello. Clyde. Would you like to come in?" It'd been a while since I'd seen his parents. They still gave me that quirky, untrusting look. It didn't bother me this time, I was going to break it off with their son. They'd probably thank me.
"You boys keep that door open!" They shouted to me as I went up the stairs.
"Don't worry." I mumbled under my breath.
As I entered Tweek's room, I saw he had a little more energy. He should, I saw four empty coffee cups on his dresser. He was sitting on his bed, twitching slightly. Just what I'm used to seeing out of him.
"S-so...what's up?" He looked at me with a straight face. No smile, but his eyes were a little above neutral, if that makes sense. Like they were ready to become happier. This really sucks.
"It's about us..." What else would this be about? God...I'd better get through this, I have to. I was shuffling nervously and kept swallowing in some lame attempt to not have to speak. I could feel my heart pounding in my head. I actually heard my heart pounding in my head.
"Uh-huh?" Tweek leaned forward.
Be logical, get to the root of the problem. "The reason I didn't say...it back..." I fumbled over the words here, I didn't want to use the "L" word, it would have just tasted bitter, "...is because...I...I have f-feelings for Craig."
Tweek's eyes went wide with shock...and pain. That fucking pain. I cringed and my heart wanted to impale itself on my ribs at that point.
"S-s-since when?!" Since when? What should I say? I didn't want to be entirely truthful. I didn't want him to know that I hooked up with him even though at the time I had feelings for Craig. It would probably make him feel worse. That and make me feel like more of a scum-bag.
"Ever since he started dating Kyle." There was...some truth to this. I started getting even more interested in him when that happened.
"Huh." He stared at the floor dimly.
"A-and that's why...we shouldn't..." My throat hurts. It's making it hard to say anything.
Tweek understood. He pulled his legs onto the bed and slowly turned around, lying down with his back to me, his knees curled up to his chest. It really was heart-breaking. I didn't know if what I heard was a train passing by or my frantic heart-beat. I couldn't stop a single tear from escaping my eye as I further realized what I was doing. This had to be done, but now...I just wish we had never started anything together. If I wasn't so selfish.
"Tweek?" He shuddered slightly as I said his name. Things were over between us.
"I...j-just don't tell Craig, please." I had to get it out. It was petty and awful, but I had to say it.
"Just go away, Clyde."
Him saying this stung more than I had thought. He was basically giving me permission to leave; for this to be all over. But still...he sounded so harsh. Well...what did I really expect? A hand-shake and a pat on the back? Like he'd be happy that I was setting him free or something? I didn't really understand love, but I did understand more fully now that it was serious business. More tears came out of my eyes; it was hard to even move.
"I-I hope you find someone who's worth your love, Tweek!" I dashed out of the room then. I probably looked hopeless as I dashed to my car, almost the same way as I had when Tweek said he loved me. As much as it surprised me, this felt worse. I started thinking about myself again. How horrible I had been, and how, yes, I didn't deserve Tweek's love. I'm shit.
I didn't eat dinner that night. Fortunately my voice wasn't quivering so I could tell my mom that I had homework to focus on. That was bull-shit of course. Yeah, I had homework, but I wasn't going to do it.
"You really should eat, Clyde."
"Not tonight, Mom."
She sighed. "Should I bring a plate up to you?"
I wasn't hungry in the slightest...a rare thing for me. "No, I'm fine."
I sat on my bed and let the tears fall out. This was a different kind of crying for me. No sobbing, just the pain in my throat and eyes as the tears spilled out. They came out slowly, but were potent. My eyes stung fiercely. My mouth sat there agape as I kept thinking about myself. How worthless I was. Again, I'm shit.
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At school during lunch I picked a new seat. It was some pathetic attempt to punish myself. I actually worked up the nerve to try and pick Tweek up that morning, maybe we could work things out so we were friends again or something. Instead, I saw him pulling out of the driveway with his dad driving. I don't know if he saw me there or not, I didn't have the courage to look at him in the passenger seat. He wasn't sitting with Craig, Kyle, or Token at lunch so technically I could sit with them and nothing would be different. This scared me a little bit though...where was Tweek?
Again, Kyle came to me after lunch. "How did it go?"
What a horrible question to ask! "I don't want to talk about it." I didn't give two shits if Kyle was being caring or not...this wasn't helping.
"That's pretty fuckin' harsh, dude." Craig said matter-of-factly, draping an arm around Kyle's shoulder.
He stood there so cooly with a Pepsi in his hand, taking those damn, sexy sips of his out of it. Really, Craig was the only one who could make things better. If he said, "I think it'd be a good idea if we got together, seeing how you're single now." Yeah, ridiculous, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it. Something like that would make my year.
Craig continued, "Tweek's not even sitting at the table anymore. Are you going to at least try and make up with him?"
"I doubt he wants to talk to me..." I couldn't look at either of them. I wish they'd just leave me alone if all they were going to do was stand there and judge me like that.
"That's the pussy's way out." Craig motioned at me with his Pepsi can. You're right, I'm a pussy.
"Whatever." I walked away. Yeah, that's great that you two can stand there all happy or whatever and lecture me. I don't know what happened to the self-pride I was hoping to feel for doing the right thing. It was the right thing, but now that it was over I kept thinking about how this was all my fault. I should have told Tweek about Craig from the beginning.
Craig. It was several days later when I received a weird surge of energy. After all the shit that had been happening over the past few days I knew I needed to tell Craig about my feelings. Anything to take my mind off of Tweek and my horrible qualities. It was scary but I felt like I had nothing to live for anyways, and if Craig rejects me out-right? Fine, I can then die a man...or something. If a was going to break up with Tweek over Craig...didn't I at least owe it to Tweek to tell Craig about my feelings? This would also show Craig that I'm not a pussy. I thanked Tweek in my head. After what we'd been through...what I had to tell him...I didn't feel nearly as nervous about telling Craig. We weren't really hanging out anyways. Not much would change if things got awkward between us. Maybe he had respect for me for having the guts to end a relationship, and not in the way he did...by playing for the other team.
So I gave him a call one evening. For the most part I'd just been feeling cold inside. It was a weird feeling to just give him a call. I didn't give a shit about what he thought, at least not about what he thought about me calling him.
"Yeah?" He's always so casual.
"Hey dude. I was wondering if I can come over for a little bit. I want to talk to you about something."
"Oh yeah? About what?" I figured he'd ask this.
"Kind of about Tweek."
"Huh, really? Why would you want to talk to me about him? Why don't I call Kyle and have him come over-"
"No! I need to talk to you about it. Alone." Yeah, Kyle shouldn't be there for this.
He sighed. "Well shit. Just so you know I'm flipping you off. I don't want to be your relationship counselor or anything. That's just fruity."
"I'm not asking you to be. Trust me."
"Fine, come over then."
"Thanks, see you soon."
I handled that pretty well I think. Of course...that was the easy part. I still wasn't good at speeches. But I prepared one the best I could on the way over there. I had rehearsed it several times before. As much courage as I had about this whole thing, it started to falter when I got to his house. I kept reminding myself that ultimately this wasn't going to change anything. Unless Craig somehow likes me back. It's a win-neutral situation. Maybe win-small loss if he's disgusted by my confession. I didn't expect him to answer the door.
"Hey Clyde."
"Uh...h-hey."
Craig gave me a huge shrug as if to say he was being thrown into a position he didn't want to be in. "So...should we go to my room?"
I flushed slightly at the double-meaning of this. So many times Tweek said that to me and it meant something much more exciting.
"Er...yeah."
Craig curled his lip in curious annoyance at me and turned around to head towards his room. It was here that my heart caught in my throat. I was getting damn close to telling him. I reluctantly followed and willed myself not to mess this up...unlike so many things I'd fucked over. This thought didn't help either. We passed Craig's mother.
"Clyde? Hello, how are you?"
"Fine." Yeah, she was pretty surprised to see me there. She should be, but not as surprised as Craig's going to be in a moment. Hopefully pleasantly surprised.
We reached his room and he quickly sat on the bed and looked at me with a bored expression. I closed the door and turned to him. I was hoping he wouldn't focus so much attention on me right away so it'd be easier for me to start speaking. I started pacing a little in what I considered a serious manner. This only made things worse. My heart was pounding furiously again, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.
"Clyde?" He said that like I'd fallen asleep or something. I guess I'm wasting his time, aren't I? "Are you sure you don't want to talk to Kyle about this?"
I started breathing more heavily as I prepared myself to say what I came to say.
Craig backed his head away a little. "Dude, are you alright?" I needed that. He actually sounded concerned. I calmed a little and started to speak.
"So...when I said that I needed to talk to you about Tweek...it was sort of true. I felt like I should tell you the reason why I didn't love him back..."
"Really?" Craig leaned forward a little. He sounds a little more interested. Hopefully he'll stay that way.
"...the reason was...well is..." I had to take another deep breath to calm myself. The words were about to come out, and it felt like all my organs were going to float right out of my mouth.
"...that I have a crush on you...and have for a long time. Then you started dating Kyle and I thought of you even though I was dating Tweek." I then looked into Craig's eyes to show him I wasn't a pussy. He didn't have a disgusted look on his face, it was incredibly serious, his mouth was tight and his eyebrows were arched downwards slightly. "I'm sorry, that's just how I feel. I wanted you to know. Th-that's all."
I quickly turned and left his room. When I reached the car I almost started hyperventillating. I concentrated on driving and putting all other thoughts out of my head as best as I could. I still couldn't believe I had actually said all that. I felt a little better on my way back home. I showed I had some balls. The next move is yours, Craig.
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A/N: So yeah longest chapter I've written so far. In a way I think the more I write, the better. More story to absorb, right? But on the other hand, maybe there's such a thing as too much. If you think I should have split this into two chapters let me know so I can remember to keep my chapters shorter in the future. Hope you enjoyed this one.
P.S. I know it's a little weird to have the characters laughing at the "weasel-mining" joke I made, but whatever. I just thought of something crazy to put in there.