Chapter 4 - Friend
He knows. He knows. The words like a chant through my mind, a broken record. Masen knows. He knows what happened. That night. The worst night. Ryan and I, too much liquor, jealousy, and confusion. I can't remember how it ended yet he knows.
I couldn't sleep. After he left, I stayed up, wide awake, ears ringing with the sound of my heart taking up the silence. I laid in bed and stared at the open door to the bedroom. That key, visible from where I hid under sheets, gleaming with reflections from the kitchen light. He knows.
It's Monday and I really thought about calling in sick. But the papers all over the living room needed to be signed in. I sit at my desk. It's 8 a.m. No one is in yet. I'm getting a grip. I'm trying to find a level of calm, the notch before a breakdown, at least there, to make it through the day.
It's 8:30, I'm not there yet. The elevator bings far and I tense. I watch Jane walk in as I hide behind my monitor. I breathe a little, it's just her. But that's just it. It's her. She looks at me and I'm already crying. I'm letting it all out. She rushes to me and pulls me to the copy room and closes the door. I tell her everything in 5 minutes. The hiccups and the snot. I use blank copy paper to blow my nose. She hasn't even got a word in yet, just listening.
"What does it mean, huh? What the hell does it mean?" I pull at my hair. My pleated skirt twirls and lifts under my crop top with every flailing limb. She pats it down to hide my underwear from view and just nods in understanding—what real friends do. She sighs. Looks at the floor. The door opens. I turn to hide my face. It's Jackson from finance. I breathe. He leaves after picking up a sheet.
"Well," Jane's first word. "It means...that he, I guess he saw something?"
"No, no, no." I cover my ears "Don't say it." But she holds my arm away.
"That night you left with Ryan, I remember, I was at the bar and saw him looking around across the room. Jess was on him and pretty much chafing his leg with her pussy where he sat. But he was looking around. He spotted me and pushed Jess off him. He made his way to the bar and asked me about you." She shrugs. "I was angry just like you, I didn't tell him anything. Ryan was gone so he put two and two together. I didn't see him after that."
We were all angry. Kate, Jane and I watched the whole night at our table as Masen mingled. I told them about the night before, how it finally happened, how he kissed me. But then we watched as he flirted with other women. I was mortified. The girls were nice enough to keep their lips sealed. Shots were placed in front of me wordlessly to forget the night...until Ryan came and sat beside me.
I'm about to ask her fifty questions when Jackson walks in again and stares like a nosy bastard. I change the subject. "This period is just fucking killing me, it's making me crazy." His eyes pop, he avoids my face and quickly gets what he needs and runs out like I've got a bloody tampon in my hand.
Jane continues without a beat when the door closes. "If he had your key, which by the way what woman gives a key to a guy she's not dating, better yet, at all!"
"Please don't judge me…I'm vulnerable right now," I interrupt but she keeps going.
"And then you forget about it and take Ryan home, luckiest bitch in the world by the way, and leave the door basically open for the guy you're not dating to just walk right the fuck in!"
"Oh god."
"Tangled limbs. Ryan's naked ass, your untrimmed bush, and floppy tits. Who knows what the poor man saw!" I'm covering my face. Jackson pokes his head in. "Oh my god," Jane growls.
"I'm sorry...should I knock?" he asks from the door. Jane huffs. I can't see as my hands still remain shamefully over my face.
"Just work! Go, be a good productive employee!" She yells. I hear the door slowly creaking closed after haste footsteps.
"I'm gonna die. I'm gonna have a heart attack. This is how it feels to have a stroke!" I dig nails into my neck.
"Jesus. Look..." She snatches my hands away. "It can't be that bad. Tell me what happened that night. Did you let Ryan do...all the things?" Her brows wiggle.
I cringe. "More like I...can't remember anything. More like, I remember my bed and him and then, literally, nothing else!" She stares.
"Nothing?"
"Nada."
"Not even his dick?"
"Jane!" I screech.
She stares some more. The door cracks open. Jane grabs the fresh printouts and slips them through the crack. She bangs a fist on the door and leans all her 5'9, lean, platinum blonde, model like weight on it. A mumbled thank you comes from the other side. "Well, you were wasted," she says.
"Yah, no shit. But I've broken my head trying to remember something. And somehow Masen knows everything? My can't even level is at a thousand percent right now."
Jane thinks. I pace the gap between the Xerox machine to the recycling bin.
"This is going to be a tall glass, straight jacket suggestion, but you've gotta talk to Masen. The man needs to elaborate...in every aspect. Fuck him and then get info out of him. You leave Ryan to me."
I roll my eyes. "What are you going to do to Ryan?"
She points a finger. "Everything, I'm gonna do Ryan. And then you, Kate and I will debrief over drinks tonight."
"How is sleeping with both guilty men going to help any?"
"It won't. But you sure as fuck need to jump that saddle asap. Sick of seeing you and Masen prancing around each other like hungry hyenas. Jump his bone already!" I blush picturing that very thought. Jane never made more sense.
A tentative knock at the door makes of us groan. Jane steps out and pushes Jackson out of the way.
The moment I leave the copy room, after watching Jane lock Jackson inside, I walk into a wall. My bowed head bumps into Masen's chest and he steadies me with warm hands at my waist. Burning skin on mine. I freak. I do a self-defensive move where I push both his arms away swiftly. His hands curl into themselves and into his pockets.
I take a few steps back. I look up at him. And then I shouldn't have. He stands there in all his olive-green glory that usually equates to a good day for me. I love him in soft thermals. But he scans my face and he knows. The flush over my cheeks and blotchy eyes are evidence that I've been a mess. I don't know if he's been standing out here the entire time or passing by. I flush deeper thinking he was listening. Jane jumps right in to distract him while I run away. I love her.
"Morning handsome. Drinks tonight, you coming?" She invites him. I turn to glare at her. She winks. I hate her. I walk away in time to miss his response.
I bundle all the employee sheets from my desk and head to the conference room for our daily updates. Emmett is already in place with the rest of the crew and Jane close by. I barely listen to anything as I grip the pile pressed to my chest.
My skin crawls. A faint touch sends my nerves humming all over. Ryan steps into the room behind me and grazes my thigh just below my hem. My boot pulls back and bangs a steel toe into his shin. He flinches but doesn't make a noise. I turn back to the front of the room. Did I just do that? I did. I really did. And it felt great. I can sense him grinding his teeth through the pain close behind me. Jane heard the scuffle and quickly turns to hide a guffaw.
The meeting continues with Ben explaining what he did yesterday, what he'll do today and his blockers. Sam is going on house visits with Daniel. Jane and Jess are meeting with employees from a factory to plan the protest in two days.
That's the best part of a project. People gather early in the morning of all colors, from different cultures, fluent in multiple languages, all to boycott in solidarity the job they all share. Everyone chats about who will be there and who will bring the speakers and picket signs. The room buzzes with excitement. But not me.
When the line moves down to me for further updates, everyone naturally looks over. I can't speak. The booming baritone close behind me explains for us both. I start slightly when he speaks. Masen is nearly pressed to my back, towering over my head, I didn't notice. He extends an arm around my front to pry the sheets out of my death grip. He tosses it on the table and in the process closes the gap between us.
"Thanks to Bella diving in, we got enough leads." He praises. The group grins. Some chuckle. A few clap here and there. The girls cringe from experience. Jane's eyes grow wide and Jess glares at Masen. I take a step away from her glaring focus behind me.
"Way to go, Mama," Ben says from across the room. I barely manage a smirk. Daniel lifts a fist from under his crossed arms for me to bop with mine. I'm one of the guys. I always prided myself for that secretly. I manage a sheepish shrug.
Everything dies down eventually. Emmett continues down the line of co-workers for their updates. All the while, I feel heat down my spine. He leans against the door jamb where his tall frame is inappropriately close for a work meeting. And he lied. Why would he say something nice after all the rash behavior? The usual would be him sharing full details on the cop and cracking jokes about me with sprinkled exaggerations. He kisses and he tells all the time. But does he regret it this time? My brain turns non-stop. And he's there, silently hovering, unaware.
The meeting runs long. Every second I grow more tense wishing it would end already. Updates turn to conversations, then to laughter. I want to scream. Because the moment I feel his warm breath clouding my judgment and my shoulder, I feel I'll crumble. I angrily move away from him. But Soon enough I feel crowded again. So I lean against the wall beside me. I end up tucked beside him as he essentially blocks Ryan with his body.
I watch the body language and notice what's going on here. Masen looks down at me but keeps his focus up front. His jaw sharpens as he feels me glaring up at him. I take a peek at Ryan over his shoulder and he looks pissed. He shifts his weight away to not collide shoulders. Masen takes the chance and moves in further, leaning an arm by my head. And suddenly, I've had enough. I wedge beneath his arm and walk out. The hell with this shit.
I sit at my desk and tap on my laptop keys a little too hard. I try with all my might not to look up when I feel his eyes on me from the doorway. He doesn't hide it. He could give a shit who notices his obvious fascination today. And it definitely isn't Jess.
Jane sends me a text from the very room. Vulgar emojis do what I only dream about when I'm in bed with visions of the olive-green asshole.
"Two for you, one for me." Kate places a Manhattan and a Chardonnay in front of me. She sips on a glass for herself. I reach for the ebony liquid.
"Take me away, 'hattan." One long gulp.
"Oh calm down. He's not coming," Jane waves a hand. I'm giving her the silent treatment but still accepting her purchased drinks.
Kate settles beside me. "That was fucked up. I would gut you if you did that to me," she tells her. It just makes her roll her eyes.
"Oh for god's sake, I was trying to just get these two to finally get over themselves already. Someone needs to push them," she argues. Kate nods and shrugs in agreement.
"Whatever. I swear I'll walk out." I warn. I've told them ten times. I even went home where they followed and stayed at the door until I grabbed my purse.
"Oh please. Your problem is not a problem. You have two gorgeous men behind your ass." Jane slurs with a scoff. She's already three cocktails in. "Dammit, I need food." She looks for the poor waiter she flirts with.
"Heifer has words. Heifer wanna eat." I mumble and take another long gulp. Jane gasps and guffaws loudly. Kate hiccups her drink and coughs it all over the table.
"You are ungrateful." Jane points.
"I've only ever wanted one. You know that." I busy myself with a fingernail. I'm really angry but I don't want to show it. I'm not like her. She can take and lose men at a drop of a panty. And she's gorgeous so it's not like she has to try. But I knew she was cool the moment she noticed my fidgets with my hair, or doe eyes when Masen was around, she stopped trying to pursue him so I could. I'm grateful because I wouldn't have stood a chance.
"But that other one you don't want sure is getting a lot more." Kate.
My stomach churns. But I suck my teeth to play indifference. "He didn't get shit."
"Are you sure?" She asks and her expression is genuine and deeply concerned. Jane waits for my answer.
I look at my drink and swirl it in the glass. "I didn't know." I cringe. "So, I got dressed and ran to the pharmacy…"
"Oh good," Kate says with a nod.
"But then…" I seal my lips. I shouldn't say the rest.
Jane and Kate lean in. "But then...what?" They say in unison.
I sigh and rub my eyes. "Alright so, I have my hands full and trying to get to the register and then of all people in the universe I bump into Masen. The boxes go flying everywhere and he's picking them up off the floor. He hands them over and finds the box. I snatch it off his hands but it's too late. I mean why would he be there? It's not even in his neighborhood!"
They stare. "I swear this is like something out of a horror movie," I mumble.
"Or a Hallmark movie," Kate says and presses her lips together to not laugh. But Jane does.
"Wow, that's pretty embarrassing." Jane
"Yeah." Kate nods
"Thanks for the empathy!"
Kate reaches to grab my hand. "What did he say and do?"
"I was so… just so angry and heartbroken because why did it have to be him?" I run shaky fingers through my rumpled hair. "I practically ran away. Completely ignored him. Didn't say a word. He was juggling two Starbucks cups in his hand so maybe he was meeting someone? Which just about...killed me."
My heart picks up when I look up. The girls are still looking at me but I see Ryan walk up to the bar a yard away. There's no way he won't see us. But for now, he leans on the bar and looks at the tv above as he waits for his drink.
"Shit," I whisper. They both look.
"Man, I'd love to bite into that," Jane says biting a finger. Kate whistles low. They watch as he leans over the bar, his jean clad ass pointed our way. His sleek hair shines from the low bar lights. He looks so handsome and together in his rolled up sleeve button up. He does roll ups really well.
All I can think about are Masen's words Sick son of a bitch. I sigh. This isn't going to end well. Might as well sit here and accept it. I can't hide under the table anyway. My stomach churns when his head turns our way and then when he walks to our table. Jane quickly moves into the booth to give him room.
"Ladies," he says. He sets his neat scotch down in front of him. Urgh, how does he just do that? Just waltz in here and whirl women's senses with one word. I glance at Kate and Jane and their eyes are sparkling. I want to smack sense back in place, but I'm watching, too.
His eyes are stuck to me, completely overlooking the two drooling predators. I squirm because I sure as hell haven't talked to him since I ditched him at the restaurant, let alone the kick to the shin. His smirk is seductive but I can see the malice behind it. He's pissed and he will confront me—it's only a matter of time. I never thought awkward would feel this way.
The trio is talking animatedly. The girls laugh heartedly at his sarcasm and jokes. He wraps his arm around Jane's shoulder and it takes all of me not to roll my eyes and scoff.
I climb the seat of my dead-end booth and jump over the back. They look up. "Bathroom." I walk away.
"Aw, sneaking home already?" Ryan taunts over the cacophony of the room.
I stop and turn back because fuck him. "Actually, no, I like the company I came with tonight. Promise I'll be back." I give him a wink. His nostrils flare enough to mean plenty.
I feel like a trillion bucks. The problem is, as I'm crossing the room, Masen walks into the bar with two blondes. Sounds like a bad joke waiting to happen. I dodge behind tall people at the bar before he sees me. By a crook of an arm, I watch him scan the room.
That's when I hear a throat clearing above me. "Err...can I help you with anything?"
I straighten "Oh, no sorry," I scramble to say. I snatch my hand back as I was inappropriately holding a strangers forearm. Jesus Bella. "Just wanted to order an...oh my god!"
I look into familiar eyes. Serrano smiles. "An 'oh my god'? Are those good here?" he asks. I can't answer. "I'm great. Thanks for asking, Bell Pepper." The familiar endearment makes me smile and melt from my frozen state. I take all of him in. He's still the same but...older. And more…
"Gorgeous." I blurt. No filter. He laughs. His arms are already beckoning me to fold right into his 6 foot, tan and handsome frame. And I do. I really do.
I grip his hair and do a little rub with my fingers like I used to. The midnight blue strands were always so thick and silky, just like his mom's and sisters—and just like his dog. I'd tease him relentlessly.
We break apart. "How's your mom?" We ask simultaneously. I giggle.
I keep my hands on his shoulders. "You first."
"She's…" and his smile skews. "On her second round of chemo."
"No!" He shrugs but keeps a light grin in place. "Poor baby." I press him to me again. He chuckles against my neck.
"That pickup line works every time," he says through the muffle. I slap his back. The hug lingers. "You realize I'm not the one on chemo, right?"
"Yes well, next time you see her you pass along the hug." I kiss his ear.
He pulls back and scrunches up his lips cutely. "Hmm, I don't think I can pass along a kiss like that either." He taps his lips with an index. "Maybe we should reiterate for better reference."
I slap his cheek lightly. "Pass that along."
"Ouch. And rude."
"How the hell are you? What are you doing here?" My heart wants to burst. I didn't realize I really needed to see someone familiar that isn't a co-worker. A childhood friend who lived next door and shared his tree house and Pop Rocks candy.
"Work event," he explains. "A kickoff for the new fiscal year. They make us do group workshops." He makes a face.
"Dang, in Boston? That's an expensive way to network."
He shrugs. "I get free lobster."
I nod. "Worth it then."
He always was a fan of food. The baby pot belly never did go away until high school. Then I didn't talk to him at all through sophomore and junior year. He was cool and dating more. I punched him at a party one night after a confrontation and he drove me home. That was the end of our dry spell. Senior year went well, not to mention the free carpools that saved my ass from taking the bus with drooling freshmen.
"I've missed you, Pepper." He pulls me around my waist. I sigh.
"I know. It sucks being an adult. Let's just go back to your old roof top to smoke and record our favorite songs off the radio."
"Rewind, stop and play—all day. Awesome times."
"Fantastic. Still have the mix tape somewhere."
He smiles. "You always were a hoarder. How's...life?"
I shrug. "All work no play. Not sure if I want to be a union organizer for long. It drains."
"So quit. Come live with me in Portland. Become a vegan, bagel eating, hipster, graphic designer and make butt loads," he says.
I laugh because he just described himself. I take him all in. The beard and hair are coiffed and nicely trimmed. He has converse tucked under fitted jeans, a rugged graphic T-shirt under a blazer hiding enough tattoos to cover that lean chest of his. I would know, I went with him for the first few. This is his everyday work attire. If I could mesh his personality (and his grooming habits) on Masen's...everything, I would jump his bones. No warnings. No permission.
Speaking of the devil. A throat clears. A hand with a drink in it wedges between us. I step back away from Serrano. We both look up.
"Would you please stop leaving your drinks unattended around the bar?" Masen sneers. Heavy glass thumps on the bar next me. He places the wine glass roughly by the Manhattan. He cuts his eyes to Serrano and then me. He walks away.
Instantly, I feel prickles all over. Maybe of shame, anger or the fact that I'm completely turned on right now. Have I mentioned how ridiculously sexy he is when he's angry? Well, I just did.
"Jealous boyfriend?" Serrano speaks. He's still looking after Masen.
I scoff. "He wishes." Instant shame reddens my cheeks as I know that's a lie. I'm the wishing fool. Serrano looks taken aback because an answer like that is so unlike me.
"That complicated, eh?"
"Whatever." I fidget with his fingers on his lap. For a moment we watch the table across the room with Masen, Jane, and Kate now chatting with the two blondes. Ryan is currently looking down the blouse of blonde number 1.
"Subtle," Serrano murmurs as we both watch.
I look away as Masen's eyes pierce mine, still red angry where he sits. "He's the complication," I explain about the boob-ogler.
"That douche bag? Bella, please tell me you didn't. The level of asshole in that guy is visible from way over here." I look away from his horrified expression.
"It's not…" I shake my head. I don't know what to say.
Serrano shoves the wine in my hand and grabs the other drink. "Come on. This should be fun." He pulls me towards the group and I freak.
"No! Just leave it!" I whisper-yell. I pull on his hand but he's strong and stubborn like he's always been. One flaw about Serrano is he loves revenge and fucking with others until he pushes every button. My feet skid over the wooden floors as I'm dragged. I use all my strength to pull back, but nothing. We arrive. Everyone looks up. I hide behind his back.
"So I take it you all work with Bella?" He asks. Jane smiles.
"We sure do. I hope she's only said good things?" She moves further into the booth to leave him room.
"Not one. Horrible things, actually."
I try not to laugh. But Jane and Kate do. Serrano takes the free spot, making the booth complete. Masen is across, at the end, Serrano on the other. I awkwardly stand at the waitress' spot. I tug my hair behind my red ears and cradle my drink in my hands.
Masen begins to push at the blondes to make room but Serrano takes the chance. I'm shoved on his lap, wedged between his chest and the table. I turn a new shade of red. I steady my elbows on the sticky surface to cover my mouth as it has fallen open. I bite my tongue to hold back the hysterics. Laugh or cry, I can't figure out which to do.
Masen settles back into his spot, shoulders slumped suddenly, as he watches every movement. The bounce as Serrano shifts under me, his arm curling under my chest, the light caresses over my arm or subconsciously trailing over my thigh. These touches look intimate but don't feel like such. I know Serrano well. He holds a conversation with the entire table but he's scheming, boiling blood that runs through veins across the way.
And I'm thoroughly enjoying every moment of it. I should feel bad. This should feel wrong. But when his arm sneaks behind blonde number 2 and pulls her close, I know it's worth every uncomfortable stroke under Serrano's wandering hands.
My tightened chest eases more. My fingers uncurl from my palms. I listen to the conversation around me a little more. I take a drink and welcome the warming liquor down my throat, settling like fire in my belly, up my chest and neck. Or maybe it's his gaze I feel right now that does this. I look over. It takes all of me to look up, to look into his eyes. But I do and then I'm caught in that net, I can't escape.
I don't understand him. I want to say it out loud, interrupt the laughter and accuse him of being just about the worst friend I've ever had. For not being there when I needed him. For keeping secrets that I don't even know I should keep, that are supposed to be mine.
I guess he can read every word boiling in me because he looks away. He thumbs a bottle cap and looks at that. He focuses on the red imprint of its metal edges carved into his skin. I'd give anything to be in that head of his.
"Right, Bell Pepper?" I turn to Serrano. He's looking at me, eyes mischievous and grinning. Ryan chuckles at the name.
"What?"
"That we used to date. She's my ex," he says looking at everyone. I can't speak. "She broke up with me. Through a letter." He laughs.
"Aww," Jane coos. "Such a heartbreaker."
"I didn't want to let go. College, two different states. We tried for a while but…" He shakes his head. "We planned to meet this weekend so I can see her mom again." I chuckle incredulously, but it just looks like I'm lost in memories. Lies. He's so good, it's scary.
"Yeah, she cannot wait to see you again." I cover my laugh with a sip. I see a heated glare over the rim of my glass from across the way. I finish off the last bit and reach for the Chardonnay where Serrano left it by my end. But I don't get to it quick enough. Masen snatches it up and gulps it down. When he's done, he puts it back by my hand. He turns to blonde number 2 and they converse quietly. Like nothing. Like he wasn't a jerk just now.
Serrano is still going on about us and our pseudo-relationship, no one notices Masen's stunt, nor the smug grin on his face. You'd think it was something the blonde said but I'd recognize that grin anywhere, it's a fuck you.
I feel Serrano squeeze around my ribs. He said something. Everyone is looking at me for a response. I turn my head back and lips are inches away. I kiss my friend. One long pull of lips between mine. Beard tickling, sweet scent of liquor through his parted mouth.
The table goes silent. Jane's mouth falls open. Kate guffaws loud.
"I need a drink. Do you want anything?"
Serrano just shakes his head dumbly. I stand and leave him at the booth.
...
A/N: Guys, this will get worse and worse until it gets better. That's how stories go, right? Just enjoy the awkward stage of an ominous relationship. And there's more to the story. Thanks for your lovely, and super helpful reviews.