Chapter 4: Fucktastical
For a few minutes I felt something tickling my feet. Finally after constantly rearranging my feet to no avail I had enough. I lightly kicked it sending whatever the annoying thing was to the floor followed by a loud thud. I heard an irritated grumble and I slowly opened my eyes.
Ok…if there was an award for the most awkward position known to man this would probably be it. The lower half of my body was still just barely hanging on to the couch while the rest of my body was lying flat on the floor. I lifted my head up and groaned loudly. I let my head fall back down on its own basically banging it on the unforgiving hardwood floor. I gritted my teeth as my head began to pound.
Damn…what the hell happened last night, I thought.
I looked over to my right to see Nala sitting there, her tail swishing from side to side. She was obviously pissed about something. I felt something in my left hand and I lifted it up to my face…binoculars…why the heck am I holding-
I didn't take me long to piece together the two.
"Oh Fuck!" I yelled, my eyes shooting open.
I shuffled my legs off the couch and landed roughly on my side. After struggling around trying to forget the pounding in my head on all fours I looked up at the window…morning…did I fall asleep?
"No…it can't be, Nala I missed my only chance!" I yelled looking at the irritated tabby.
Shit…shitshitshitshit…oh yeah by the way shit! I jumped on the couch and looked out the window. Yep…it was definitely morning. I jumped over the arm of the couch and went to the front door, dropping my binoculars along the way. I unlocked the door and opened it rushing out on to my front porch. I looked down at the bottom step…I blinked my eyes making sure that I wasn't just imagining things. I backed up a few steps and latched on to the knob of my door for support…I know for a fact that I put a bar of chocolate there last night. Now there was nothing there that would prove that. I let go of the knob and ran down the stairs to the exact spot I saw the unknown creature last night. There were no foot prints to indicate or prove that something unusual was here, but still even if I may have missed having my only chance to catch Bigfoot I still felt an overwhelming grin form on my face. I tightly closed my eyes putting a hand to my heart, which by the way was doing back flips and cartwheels right about now. I excitedly screeched into the morning air, not really caring that I probably scared the crap out of a few forest animals nearby. I started to dance and bounce around my lawn looking like the most retarded retard of the year. Oh joy! Once again I will say this; thank god I do not have neighbors. In the middle of my horrible…what I would dare not call dancing, I tripped. I landed face first on the soft grass. Using both my arms I flipped myself over onto my back letting out a fit of giggles that sounded more like gurgling sounds then giggles. Ok I have officially gone insane. Finally done being just plain weird I look to my left finally noticing Nala sitting on the steps…just staring at me. She had a look that said I'm worried about you, should I get you counseling or help. I smiled and looked up at the sky.
.
.
.
I wonder what today has in store for me…
I have way too much time on my hands, because I'm now wondering if I'd see Godzilla today in my back yard using a tree as a tooth pick or something.
My mind flooded with the realization that stuff people thought could never exist perhaps is right around the corner or maybe even secretly living right next door to you. I smiled at the thought of my old next door neighbor Henry being a blood thirsty vampire. He never really liked being out in the sun for too long…was that maybe an indication.
Oh my god…
I chuckled. Well I have no work today…so what now. I never was the type that had the patients to stay cooped up in a place for a long period of time...like I wasn't insane enough.
Do I go such for that creature…?
I laughed at the thought of me in all camouflage clothing looking for something that wouldn't have trouble breaking my neck if he wanted to. I shuddered not really liking the thought; I'm a person that actually enjoys living, thank you very much.
"Hmm,"
I lifted myself into a sitting position.
What. To. Do.
.
.
.
Bored.
A soft ringing broke my train of thought. I looked around for the sound but came up empty handed.
"Ok, first I see Bigfoot, then I dance in my yard and now I'm hearing things. Maybe I really should get help Nala."
I looked at Nala who was still there. Her head was turned back looking in the house. I got up and moaned in pain, I have a huge kink in my neck. Most likely due to the fact I was pretty much doing a fucking handstand all last night. I don't even remember when I dropped out cold.
I could only imagine what Nala was thinking.
Nala: *Slowly walks back into the living room just in time to see me fall hitting the hard floor with a huge boom.* "Damn…I need to get a new owner."
I smiled. I heard the ringing sound again this time clearer than the first. I immediately stopped and looked up wide eyed.
Is that my phone…?
Like I said before I don't really have a fabulous signal out here so even I was stunned at the moment. After a few more rings I finally snapped back into reality. I ran towards the house, Nala wisely moved out the way so she wouldn't get trampled. I stopped in the living room looking from left to right.
Rinnnnnng Rinnnnnng.
Upstairs…
I ran up the stairs not even noticing its welcoming creak. I ran in my room, which by the way was still a wreck because of the hurricane last night simply called Zoey. I stopped in the middle of the room listening to the soft rings finally determining where it was. I walked over to the row of shoes lined up against my wall and began flipping them all over one by one till my phone hit the hard floor with a loud clanking sound.
How the heck did my phone end up in there…?
I picked up the blackberry pushing a button making the screen light up. My jaw slightly dropped and I flushed in shock. I looked at the name of the one calling me. A slight tingling tugged at my heart and like wires ran down to my stomach where I felt that very familiar butterfly feeling.
…Doug…
Back in New York Doug was not only my police partner but one of my closes comrades. I smiled when I remembered the little slogan he made up for our team…the badass partners in crime. Very common yet simply, it just stuck when he said it and it just happened to stay.
What a geek.
I know we both had feelings for each other that were beyond just friendship, though we never really made anything official. I figured since things have started to get a little busy over there in New York Doug wouldn't have the time to call. After I left they got a new chief and I heard he is constantly bitching about every little thing, well that's what everyone claims. He also hasn't given anyone a break which has caused many other fellow police I knew to quit due to stress. Let's just say it's a little…ok fuck that it's very hectic back in New York.
Like I mentioned before I'm surprised to get a call from Doug seeing as things back there are always busy. I cleared my throat and finally answered the damn thing after staring at it for the past few minutes.
"Helloo," I said trying to act as if I didn't know who it was.
"Hey Zo its Doug," He said.
I waited a few seconds then finally answered.
"…Doug?" I said acting as if I didn't know him. "I know a lot of Doug's…mmm which one are you?"
I bit my lip desperately trying to hide the smile that was making its way on my lips. I always love to play games with him.
"Yeahh…you know…the guy in New York…your partner…yo lova," I heard him chuckle at the last part.
"Oh! Yeahhhh, that Doug," no longer able to hold it in any longer I burst out giggling.
I heard his deep laughter on the other end. I got up off the floor and jumped on my bed positioning a cocoon of covers around me and lied down to stare off at my ceiling. Sooner or later are voices died out and it became silent. Of course it wasn't an awkward silence, being with and around Doug was never awkward. The silent that was still dragging on was more of a silent conversation.
If it was indeed a silent conversation it would sound something like this:
...Why don't you talk first…?
No no you go ahead
No I insist
No way ladies first
No! I dare you to go first
Well I double dare you
Well I triple dare you
Well I infinity dare you! Ha nothing can beat infinity
Damn, asshole.
Finally giving in I spoke up first.
"Yeah so what do you want, I'm very busy," I lied.
"Damn! I thought you'd, you know, be just a little more enthusiastic to talk to me seeing as we haven't talk sinceee…" I heard him grumble a few times trying to recall "September…right."
I snorted.
"More like in October Mr. Forgetful," I said with a grin.
"Yeah! That's what I meant to say," He said in an I knew that kind of tone.
"Anyways, I have a surprise," He began.
I was intrigued at first but it immediately vanished and was replaced with skepticism.
"You know I hate surprises…I swear if it is anything like that last surprise you got me…so help me god I will-"
Doug's laugh cut me off and I sat there silent, unsure on what to say next. I didn't have to because Doug quickly responded taking my silence as confusion.
"No, I promise it's nothing like that last one." He said.
Phew.
"Anyways you know how we never have time to see each other anymore and all."
"Mhmm…" I said playing along.
What the hell is he getting at…?
"Even you admitted we never get to talk."
"…"
Oh no. I don't think I'm going to like this surprise…
"Well after weeks of begging I finally can come visit you Zo!" He excitedly said.
Damn!
"…"
"Zo?"
"…"
"Zoey…surprise."
"Here!" I yelled into the phone.
Oh my…Uh shit I…ugh! Screw my life! There is a fucking creature in this bitch of a forest and if that wasn't as complicated enough now Doug is going to be here.
"No! You cannot come!" I practically screeched into the phone.
"It's too late I'm already on my way."
Double damn!
"Doug! Why…why are you doing this to me," I groaned putting a hand to my now throbbing temples.
"Well damn Zoey, I thought you'd actually be happy I was coming," he said with a hint of hurt lining his voice.
Guilt started to form in the pit of my stomach and I got up into a sitting position no longer finding comfort in my soft covers.
"I'm sorry Doug I didn't mean it like that…it's just…" I mentally fumbled around for the right word. "Shitful, complicated, hectic…fucktastical!" I blurted out all at once.
Before Doug could comment first I beat him to the point…
"How did you even convince the new chief to give you a break?"
"Well like I said before after tones of ass kissing and extra hour's, captain asshole finally cut me some slack."
I stayed quiet and so he continued.
"I have only two days though…but look…if you don't want me to come then I'll just go back."
I hate it when he plays the whole guilt role.
"No wait!" I yelled.
Fuck! Why can't I just tell people to bitch off and then just move on with my life? Of course this just wasn't some random guy I so happened to pick up at a club. This was Douglas; One of the few people in my life that I genuinely care for.
"Sooo…you want me to come?" He said.
"…"
"Yes," I finally said.
"Awesome, well I should hopefully be there tomorrow morning…k."
"Yeahh," I emotionlessly said.
"Ok bye Zo."
"Mmm."
Once the line went dead I gently set the phone down. I slowly slid off the bed and walked over to a wall; put my hands on it bracing myself. I hit my head against the wall.
"Stupid!"
Thud.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
I continued this method for about a couple minutes, finally feeling the effects of my injuries.
Ok, let's tally it up folks:
-I hit my head against the steering wheel.
-Getting clawed by Nala.
-Tripping like a million times.
-Banging my head against the wall.
-Awkward positions.
I sure as hell am not super woman; I don't even know how the hell I'm still standing right about now! Thank the heavens god invited pain killers…!
Re-edit: 12/7/10