This chapter shouldn't exist, but it does. It shouldn't have been so long as to have to be broken up into two parts, but it is. I shouldn't be still dickering around on this site, but I am, and these Thing That Shouldn't Be is why I bring you this.

How 2 B a ttly awsum fanfikshun riter

by

The One Called Demetra, who has "the one" in her name and is therefore very important and full of wise wisdom.

Part Four: How To Flaunt Your Ego Through an Original Female Character (Section One: Construction)

Now, the last and most important thing you need to know about that actual writing junk before you can get to the infinitely more satisfying and useful part of the fanfiction experience that is enjoying the feeling of your entranced readers kissing the ground you walk upon, is the nature of the Original Character.

"Original character?" you may be asking. "But that has the word original in it! That's bad, right?"

No, no, it's okay! No originality need be involved in writing an original character. Sure, she's yours, but actual originality would probably ruin her. Stick to what works.

"But Demetra, O highest mistress of the mysterious arts," you may be saying. "How can I invent a whole new character? She has to have a history and appearance and personality and everything! That's hard!"

I know, I know. But, remember, you're the greatest writer in the world. And with my wise wisdom at your disposal, you'll be well on your way to having a character who reflects your brilliance.

First and most important thing first, looks. This is the greatest character ever, so she has to look the part. Gotta have long hair, of course, short hair isn't as fun to describe in painful detail every time she's introduced (Unless she's the sporty, rebellious spitfire type, in which case it's fine—strong, independent women like her don't have long hair, and never wear dresses). It's less romantic, too. As for color…well, the most common color is that icky combination of brown and blonde, but it's ugly, so we can't have that. Preferably it should be some sort of fluorescent shade; cyan or pink or violet. It's eye-catching, and since she'll be hooking up with your fictional crush quite shortly (more on that later), she has to catch his eye, right? But if you're the serious over-achiever type and want to be all realistic by giving her actual brown or blonde hair, you have to describe it right. If it's brown, never call it brown. Or even brunette. It is a chocolate fan of silky strands framing her delicate face perfectly, UNDERSTAND? If blonde, under no circumstances is she blonde. She has a waterfall of golden sunshine cascading down her back. She can't be a redhead, either, only a fiery redhead, because all redheaded people are fiery.

Next, eyes. Possibly the most important part of the most important aspect of your awesome character. Windows to the soul and all that, right? Much of the same rules that apply to hair apply to eyes, but with a few additional points. They should have some kind of unique quirk about them. Perhaps they're emerald with flecks of gold that shift to violet in the sunlight. Eyes change color, right? Of course, you really should be creative here—maybe they change color with her moods or the weather. But again, if you're one of those boring people who are afraid of accusations of Mary Sues (more later), you can make them a normal color, but they have to be arresting. Soul-piercing. Penetrating. Something. And remember, no icky, boring colors like brown. If you want them some shade of brown, they have to be soulful pools of chocolate heaven. Blue is also okay, so long as they are cerulean orbs of endless desire.

This brings me to another minor point about eyes—they aren't eyes. Come on, "eyes"? sounds so medical. No, no, no, no, no—it's orbs. Or pools. Or disks. But never, ever eyes. Eyes are far too special to be called eyes. It's orbs. Got it? Good.

So, that's eyes, hair…um…those are the only important parts of a person's looks, really. It's all you see when you look at somebody, so it might be a little strange to want to describe body shape and type, facial structure, stuff like that. I mean, for one thing, it's not fun. You can't make skin any fun, eye-catching colors without being weird. But remember! Greatest character ever for the greatest writer ever! She needs a proper, full description. Remember, description is good! Everyone says so! So load pages and pages onto it, and you'll have filled most of that with pinning down the exact shade of her irises, but there's still some other stuff.

Ooh, let's see…she has to be slender, nobody cares about fat people. Really slender. Like anorexic, except not really, because that's, like, a serious problem and would detract from more interesting things about her, like her hair color. And young, of course. How young? Well, how old are you? Make it a bit older, 'cause thirteen year old heroines and sex goddesses are kind of weird, but definitely in that neighborhood. You can't say she's just tall or short. Nah, you have to give exact feet and inches. Or centimeters, I guess, if you're one of those mindless savages who don't live in America. How tall are you? Make it like that, except a bit taller. Tall characters are strong characters. Nobody wants to read about short characters.

As for facial and body structure, and any metaphors that might (heaven forbid) give the reader a clear idea of what she looks like—well, being too specific would alienate some readers. You want them to step into her shoes, right? So be vague, but make it flattering. You want readers to be flattered, obviously. Curves in all the right places, well-balanced face, petite but strong, stuff like that. But remember! Arrogance is unattractive! She has to be modest about it, too. Because you want readers to be sure that your flowery, beautiful descriptions actually indicate that people find her attractive, go ahead and have other characters compliment her—and at the same time, show off how modest and wonderful she is by having her shyly deny it all.

Alright! Next part! Her history! Well, let's see. You want readers to feel sorry for her, and show her strength of character, so she's got to have something bad happen to her. Let's see…say, her mother died in childbirth and she felt guilty about it. Okay, but what about her father? Old men are pretty much uniformly evil, so he's a rapist and child-beater, often at the same time. You can go ahead and vary it up—maybe the mother was a junkie who committed suicide right in front of the poor girl and her father was driven to drink because of it! When it comes to parents, there's an easy way to come up with a creative, pity-inspiring backstory. Divide the following amongst both parents and you're ready to go: died, alcoholic, addict, suicide, neglectful, rapist, child-beater, disappeared, etc. etc.

And she won't get out of her situation on her own, either, until both parents are dead/gone. Child services don't exist—and if they do, those bastard parents are too sneaky to let them notice that there is a deprived child in the house. Parents are so untrustworthy. I bet they made her do homework and clean the house! Those cads!

Of course, she won't try anything because…uh…because she loves them too much. Obviously.

But her suffering is not over yet. Be creative! Inside a safe, predictable parameter, of course; we already know that wild deviation from the norm is bad. Perhaps she lives on the streets. Perhaps she goes to an orphanage where she has nothing and everybody hates her for her beauty. Perhaps she gets raped. Combinations of the above are acceptable.

Have we covered all our bases? Rape? Dead parents? Poverty? Alright, she should be good and pitiable now. This should ward off most accusations of Mary Sueism; cynical, cold-hearted, lonely, friendless people who don't like her won't dare to say so in the face of her suffering.

And now for the final touches! Her SPESHULNESS!

She can't just be extremely beautiful and tragic. She has to have another element to her that truly makes her amazing. This is where you can get creative (but remember, not TOO creative—just creative enough so that when those bastard reviewers start complaining, you can accuse them of not respecting your creativity and how dare they do that, you're such a good writer, everyone says so! Well, your parents do. And they wouldn't lie or anything. And besides, it's just their OPINION that she's ridiculous and overwritten, it means NOTHING, and they shouldn't SHUT UP and NOT READ what they DON'T LIKE….uh, where were we? Right, speshulness.) Select from the following list!

-Shapeshifter

-Magical

-Half-elf

-Half-dragon (or otherwise half-something-cool. If it's something like a unicorn or a dragon, she should have the ability to appear as a beautiful human with elements of her otherworldliness, like a half-unicorn whose horn transforms into a glowing pearl set in the forehead of the human form. Makes perfect sense, right?)

-Last of her kind

-Royalty

-Vampire

-Pet unicorn (Pheonixes, dragons, hippogriffs, etc. work fine—remember to name them something really clever and have them be really smart and her only confidants, too. Your extra-speshul character should have an extra-speshul best friend. Besides, wouldn't having a mythical pet that could talk to you about your love life be so cool?)

-Illegitimate child

-Demon

-Angel

-An illegitimate child of an angel and demon

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon who is magical

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift

-An illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift.

-A vampiric illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift

-The last vampiric illegitimate child of a royal angel and demon with some elvish blood on the side who is magical and also has the ability to shapeshift while riding a unicorn.

Add your own! The weirder she is, the more unique she is, and ergo the better she is, and the better she reflects your brilliance.

Am I forgetting anything? Hmm…nope, doesn't look like it. Tune in next chapter for a look at how she should interact with the other characters.

…

OH YEAH! Personality! I knew I was forgetting something.

Hmm. Uh. Let's see. This is a tough one. What I recommend doing is going by her hair color. Red hair? Fiery redhead. We already talked about this. All girls with red hair must be fiery and independent and only swoon into submissiveness when your favorite character and lust object approaches them. Blonde? Meek and shy and sweet and loved by all. Brunette? Witty and smart, just as witty and smart as you are! Black-haired? Mysterious. That's a personality, right? Cyan? Violet? Neon green? Well, then what the heck does she need a personality for with hair as interesting as that?

As a rule of thumb, you want to make sure to stick to personality archetypes. Trying to structure a living, breathing person out of individual elements is too hard. You want to make sure that you can describe her in, at very most, three words. Of course, you know that she is endlessly structured and complicated. She's a work of art—after all, you created her. But transferring that onto paper? Way too hard, and readers will get confused, too. Fiery, independent redheads can have just enough depth to secretly want to be loved. Meek, shy blondes can have an iron core that is endlessly talked about but never shown (because having her be rescued from danger all the time is much more fun and emotionally satisfying—more on that next chapter). But going beyond that, giving her confused and contradicting layers of being, just like a real person? Nawwwww.

Okay, you've got your character. Is she not utterly GLORIOUS? Of course she is. Next chapter, we release her into the land of fiction and see what sort of city-leveling havoc she wre—I mean, see how she interacts with the characters, but most importantly, your lust object!