As I opened the door to our apartment, this shared space that had begun to feel like home to me, I could feel Stella hesitate. I tried not to hover as I put her bag on the couch. I watched as she walked in and leaned gingerly against the counter top.
"Are you hungry?" I asked hesitantly, she had seemed off since the cops had interviewed her. She didn't answer as she stared at the floor. I took a step forward but stopped as she flinched at the sudden movement.
"Stel, are you hungry?" I tried again, "S,sorry um not really. I, I really, I need to shower." I took a deep breath as she reached for the bag off the couch. I reached out my hand but stopped short not wanting to startle her again.
"I'll make some grilled cheese and Tomato soup if that sounds good." I had remembered her telling me once her mom would make that for her when she was sick. She only nodded as she stopped short before the bathroom. "Are you ok to shower?" She nodded again but still didn't turn around.
"Um, I, I know the guys want to come over. Uh a,after dinner would be good." Her voice was hesitant. I could tell she was crying, the silent kind where it hurts too bad to not make a sound but you can't bring yourself to let it out.
"Ok, I'll uh, I'll them know." She opened the door then and I listened until the shower turned on and tried with every fiber of my being to not smash the two bowls I had pulled out of the cabinet for soup. My anger got the best of me for a split second as I smashed it in the sink before proceeding to pick of the pieces. She was doing so well when she was in the hospital. Was it being home? Was it me? Should she stay with a friend? Did she not feel safe? Was she mad at me? Why would she suddenly not talk to me? I turned the stove on and pondered this as I made dinner.
It had been nearly 20 minutes when I knocked on the bathroom door. After he first 10 I had tried to convince myself she was just relaxing and enjoying herself but after a few more minutes I couldn't take it anymore. I just needed to know if she was ok. I gently knocked on the door, "Stel? You alright in there?" I waited a moment before she yelled weakly over the shower that she was fine. She'd be out soon. I heard the door open and pulled the soup off the stove. She had put on a baggy pair of sweatpants and a Navy t shirt of mine. She looked beautiful despite the bruising the I could see around the edge of the collar of the shirt and around her cheek bones. Despite the cast and the bags under her eyes. Despite it all she still took my breath away with her strength.
"You don't have to worry about me all the time. You're hovering. Stop." Her voice was sharp as she sat down next to me.
"I'm sorry." I was at a loss for words. So she was mad at me. I wasn't even sure how to fix this. "The guys are coming by at around 7 pm." I tried to change the subject to something lighter. She smiled at that for just a moment before eating a few more bites of her sandwich. I filled the silence with some jokes about funny things Sonny had been up to and how the new guy on our team had been giving him Hell. Every small chuckle from her would end with a wince that made me see red thinking about what the professor did to her. Tried to do to her. Would have done to her. She tried to do the dishes but I wouldn't let her. I kept telling her I could see she was hurting and sore still and to just sit down and watch some tv. Try to relax before the guys came. She had hardly eaten her dinner. As the hot water steamed over my hands I glanced up at her wiping at her cheeks. I went to sit next to her, leaving the dishes to soak when I knew they didn't need to. As I sat down next her she pulled me in to her side and kissed me. It shocked me. She had seemed to be avoiding contact with me all day and now she was trying to kiss me. I pulled back, shocked and afraid to do something she wasn't ready for. Something was there in her eyes as they stared back at me. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
Stella's POV
Before I could even ask Clay to help me get dressed to go home for the hospital he was up and out of his chair. I knew he was worried but now he seemed just downright stressed. Did he not want to see the bruising? Did he not want to see me at all? Touch me? Help me? Was he only sticking around until I was better and then leaving? Did he even want me anymore? I held back tears that I knew were irrational and stupid and caused from the events of the past 48 hours. I knew that every time I flinched I was just putting more space between us. Half of me was screaming , "tell him to keep trying! You just have to go slow and let me readjust! Trust me, I want nothing more than to kiss you and hug you and feel safe in your arms!" and the other half was screaming "Don't lock him in with guilt. He can leave if he wants." The latter of the two was screaming louder so I just stayed silent as he continued to pull away with every attempted touch.
As we drove home from the hospital I thought about our kiss earlier. I had tried to move it forward towards how I would normally kiss him. Passionate and relaxed and hopefully sexy but all I could think about was hands grabbing at my waist and the feeling of my wrist bending and Sonny yelling. As I reached for Clay's hand I had to pull back but he beat me to the punch as he felt my flinch. I was losing him and it was all my fault. I was broken and he knew it. Why was I so caught up in this? I mean Professor Diles didn't even do anything. I mean yes, he assaulted me but it could have been so much worse. How long would it be until I felt like myself? Until I could think of sex and not break out in a cold sweat like I had earlier after the cops came. That was how Clay found me but I was careful to leave the out when he asked me what was wrong. That would certainly scare him away. Or even worse he would be patient and kind and understanding and I would be horrible for keeping him trapped in a relationship that couldn't even be intimate.
By the time we got home all I wanted was a hot shower. I was sore and uncomfortable but I wanted to wash my hair and get the smell of him off of me. To feel clean again. I knew Spencer was trying to be nice, but the pleasantries were getting old. If I can't be my old self when nothing even that horrible happened, then he should be done with me. If I had to convince him of that I would. As we sat on the couch together after dinner I kept getting lost in his eyes, losing track of what he was saying. I would listen for a few moments and then forget what exactly he was talking about. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to be all over him. The thought of that though, of being intimate, was terrifying at the moment. If I couldn't though, he shouldn't stick around. If I couldn't do one simple thing then he should leave while it's still easy. I leaned forward, and he stopped talking. He whispered my name as I leaned in more. I kissed him softly before parting my lips and putting my hand on his shoulder and then onto his neck. I tried to make the kiss more intense, parting my lips more. I could feel myself shaking as I moved, trying to be sexy. He wasn't kissing me back very much. It was timid and confused. He didn't want this. I pulled away abruptly. My heart was pounding in my chest and for a few seconds as I heard him repeat my name, questioning if I was ok I could hear nothing but the sound of it beating and smell the professor all over me as if he was still right next to me. There was a loud knock on the door, but Clay didn't move.
"Stella? Are you alright?" I nodded, "Yeah, uh s,sorry." I tried desperately to play off his rejection. "I can ask them to come back later." My attention went back to the knock at the door. "No, no, uh get the, the door." I made a move to get up myself, but he got up quickly. He turned back to me, "You sure?" he ducked down to make eye contact with me on the couch. I nodded again and took a deep breath before plastering a smile on my face. All I could think about was him. He didn't want me.
CLAYS POV
She leaned towards me. She looked as beautiful as she always does when she moves to kiss me. There was hesitance in her eyes though. I wasn't comfortable with this though. I didn't want her to think she needed to move too fast. To push herself into something in hopes of moving on without healing. That woulnd't be healthy. Her hands were shaking as they latched onto my shoulders, trying to move to my neck. I didn't kiss back as she attempted to heat things up. Why was she doing this? The knock at the door sent her flying backwards. Now she looked shaken up.
I asked her several times if she was ok, each time she claimed she was but none of the times did I believe it. She looked hurt and that was the most confusing part of all. I selfishly let myself imagine getting to be with her again. Kissing her, grabbing her, her laugh as I carry her to bed. It had been since before deployment. I chased the thoughts out of my head, kicking myself for being such an asshole. I would do whatever I had to do to not pressure her. I could wait. I would be fine. She had to know that, right?
Sonny barged in with a case of beer. Jason, Mandy, Davis, Trent, Brock, and Ray all came filed inside.
"Hey Stella girl!" Sonny bellowed as he slammed the beer onto the counter. She laughed before wincing at the movement and settling back down. She started to get up when Ray interjected, "Ah, no need to get up. We're just here to hang out and drink beer but since you can't have any beer with your medications the girls brought you cookies." Leave it to Ray and the girls to think of a way to keep Stella resting as they came to see her. I gave Ray an appreciative look.
"So Stella, how do you feel?" Trent asked as he looked at the stitches across the side of her face and on her arm. "Any headaches? Nausea? Have you had any difficulty breathing?" I appreciated Trent checking up on her but even I would be annoyed with all the questions. I knew how Trent could get into his doctor mode and could be hard to get out.
"Good, um, yeah some headaches and uh the bruising is a little annoying on my ribs but uh, good. Doing well." She plastered a smile on her face as she rearranged a blanket over her feet.
"Well we're damn glad to hear that." Sonny said as he flipped on the tv and put his feet up on the coffee table.
"Listen, um, I just, thank you all. You've been, uh, so amazing. I just, I can't ever thank you enough." Stella stammered through her thank you that I know she so badly has been wanting to give them. I was surprised as she reached for Sonny's hand, "I mean it. Th,thank you Sonny." He only nodded at her. He seemed unsure of what to do, what physical contact she was ok with so he settled with patting the back of her hand.
"You're family Stel."
"We protect our own." Jason spoke from the back of the room. I hadn't heard him speak since he had come inside. I figured he would only be by for a little while which was fine by me. I didn't expect him to stay but I appreciated him coming. He pulled me aside then.
"Hey, how are you doing? How is Stella really doing? Is she good like she says?" Jason wouldn't look away from me as I tried to look anywhere but at him.
"Honestly, I'm not sure how she is. One second she seems fine but the next she seems like she's really struggling. I'm not sure how to, how to help or be, be good at this."
"It'll take time. It could take a long time but she'll be back. You're doing fine Clay." Jason reassured me. "I'm going to take off, drive Trent and Brock home but I think Ray, Sonny, and the girls are staying for a while. I'm assuming Blackburn talked to you today?" I nodded, "Good, well I won't expect to see you at base for 7 days. The rest of us will just be doing shootings and work outs. Just try to shoot a few times over the next few days if things are going alright." Jason grabbed his coat and left as simple as that.
I rejoined the group as they discussed sports teams and random topics never sticking on one subject for too long. This was nice, it was good to see her smile. Eventually everyone began to leave and I smiled as Jason gave her a hand off the couch to say goodbyes to everyone.
"Well, that was fun!" I smiled as big as I could as she made her way over to the counter.
"It was really good to see them and get to talk." I nodded as I drank the rest of my water and placed the glass in the sink.
"I'm going to do the dishes real quick. You could pick out a movie for us to watch if you wanted." I turned on the water and began loading the dishes into the dishwasher.
"I'm really tired uh, do you th,think we could go lay down. I, It's been a long day. Leave the dishes. Please." The way she said please made my stomach turn.
"Of course." I took her hand and walked to our room with her. I changed out of my jeans and was pulling my sweatpants to get ready for bed or to at least lounge around when she slipped her arms around my waist. There was still a tremble in her movements.
"Stella?" her name came out as a question. She hushed me before pulling me to bed. I didn't resist wondering where this could be going. She kissed me intensely. It took me by surprise. I didn't resist as much as before letting myself part my lips and allow her forward. I was stiff I could tell, fighting to not move the situation forward. Her mouth moved to my neck and I rolled my head back. Shit. She surprised me as she reached for the buttons on my flannel I was still wearing, she fumbled with them using only her good hand. Her breath was shaking, and she was gasping as she undid a few buttons. Something was wrong.
"Stella hold up." I tried reminding her we didn't have to rush. She pushed on trying to pull her own shirt off but giving up when she winced. I didn't like this. I saw her shut her eyes as she moved to push her sweatpants down, a glimpse of the bruising caught my eye and then the tear streaming down her face. No.
"Stella, stop." She didn't. "Stella, sweetie, stop trying to take your clothes off." I gently grabbed at her arms, but she pulled them away. "It's fine." I cut her off, "It's not." I scooted away from her, "It's not ok. You're shaking and crying, and you don't want this. Don't do this to yourself. What is going on? Let's not. Not tonight." This was her turn to shy away. She turned away from me and before I knew it was crying harder than before.
"Talk to me. Please, talk to me."
"Do you, do you not want to? I mean, I the bruising and the, the cast. I know, I know it won't be, be the same. I just, I think after a time, or, or two it'll be ok. It's it's really not the sex part it's, it's just the touching and the, the aggression. I, I'm ok. I, I'd understand if you, if you didn't want-" My mouth fell open. "Stella. Stop." I couldn't believe I was hearing this. "Believe me, I want to. I just, you're shaking and you're crying. I can't do that to you. I would never want to or intend to hurt you and I think I'd be hurting you by doing this tonight. Why, why are you rushing?" I was almost afraid to ask. She took a deep breath.
"I just, I know it's been a couple weeks. I was, I was so happy you were almost home and, I, I ruined it." She was so beautiful and so sweet and just so amazing.
"I love you Stella. I won't stop loving you. I love you so damn much it hurts. You know this. I would not leave you because of this. You have shown me how incredibly strong you and are it has made me love you more. I promise you. You have to talk to me though. I would never have known any of this. Please do not think that because you, you aren't in a place right now to, to uh do stuff that I want any less of you or think any less. I'm a patient guy Stel. I, I don't have to love it," I cracked a smile, "But I'll wait as long as you need. Don't force yourself into this. Please, the last thing you need to worry about is me not being ok with holding off or moving slow again. We can go as slow as you need, we can do whatever you need, however you need." She began crying harder, "I'm, I'm sorry I did that! I, I can't believe I, Oh I'm sorry." She crushed me in a hug, her cast settling on my chest as I pulled her into the hug as well. Her shaking had stopped. "Forget about it Stell, it's all alright. I promise. It's no big deal." She sniffled as I put an arm around her.
"Really Stel, no big deal, shhh. Just breath."
"A,are you sure. I, I mean don't just, just tell me what I want to hear." She leaned into my shoulder. "Yes. I'm positive. Shh. Just relax, this was a long day for you and for me. You should just focus on getting some sleep." I ran my hand through her hair as she seemed to finally relax against me. She just couldn't seem to calm down though. I wasn't sure if this would help or not but I had to try something.
"Stel, do you want to talk about it? Do you want to talk about what you're feeling? I mean you don't need to worry about my feelings or me being upset or getting angry. I'm good. I just want to help and be there for you but it's hard when I'm unsure what is going to be helpful and what isn't." She tensed for a moment before she relaxed into my arms again.
"uh, ok, well um. Hugging is nice and ya know normal cuddling but it's just sudden movements that still kind of shake me. But I can feel it getting better every day. I think that the therapy will help a lot so honestly I'm kind of excited to start my sessions. But um, kissing is fine just not, uh, not too intense yet. I don't like when you put your hands on my hips. He, He did that and he, he wouldn't let go." She started sobbing harder than I had ever heard he as she finally spit out what was probably weighing on her heart for days now.
"Ok, I understand. You got it. You just say the word and I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing ok Stel? You don't need to worry about bothering me or bugging me. I know sometimes when I get back from ops I shut down and I shut you out because I'm trying to compartmentalize what's happened, but I'll try to let you in more after seeing how strong you are for letting me in. I love you so much." I kissed the top of her head as she fell asleep in my arms. I knew all would be ok. We'd get through it together.
AN: ok so I know the ending was really abrupt but I was struggling to take this in any other directions. This week's episode is going to be a tough one I think but I'm excited. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this story! Please let me know