Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of S. Meyer, or themselves. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AN: My first foray into citrus-y prose. Still unbetaed so any mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

Playlist for this chapter:

Velvet Underground – After Hours - www[dot]last[dot]fm/music/The+Velvet+Underground/_/After+Hours

The Rolling Stones – Waiting on a Friend - www[dot]last[dot]fm/music/The+Rolling+Stones/_/Waiting+On+A+Friend

Driving down Silver Lake Boulevard, I watched as the streetlights strobed their wan light over Edward's face. He was spread diagonally across the passenger seat with his head resting on the door jam and eyes closed in repose. I clutched the steering wheel very tightly and drove slowly in order to deliver us safely down the road... at least that's what I told myself. Nope, it wasn't an attempt to stop myself from stroking his jaw, or to add a couple more seconds to the time he would spend utterly serene and beautifully and just in reach.

"Hey, sleepy head," I said and poked gently at him as I parked in front of the diner, "we're here." Here was the Astro Family Restaurant - a late night haven filled with people that would have formerly chain smoked and drank coffee all night – now reduced to just the coffee between visits outside for a few drags. It was a perfect spot for us to hideaway until I was sober enough to chauffeur Edward back to the lap of luxury.

"I'm not sleeping, I was thinking," he answered.

"About what?" Was it me? He didn't answer, but replied with a stretch and a Cheshire grin. I think I read his family had origins in some other 'shrire' in England, like Hampshire… maybe it was a Hampshire grin. He came around the car and motioned for me to follow. We walked in trying to attract as little attention as possible. Although Edward didn't attract paparazzi on his own (I could not understand why!), his connection to Jasper and Maria made him more recognizable, so we found a booth with high sides and ample privacy.

"They have about twenty types of steak here," he said in amusement after a cursory glance at the menu. "I've never even heard of some of these…Grilled Ham Steak, Skirt Steak, Steak Picado."

"Me neither," I confessed, "but then I'm a vegetarian." I'd been one since I moved away to college and out from under my father Charlie's preference for meat and potatoes. Jake and the kids ate meat, but it just wasn't something I liked anymore.

He raised his eyebrows in shock and teased, "How do you survive?"

"Ummm, there's these things called fruits and vegetables…" I taunted back.

"I would fucking die… seriously. I couldn't live without meat," he retorted.

"Well, you can eat what you want," I replied, ending the discussion. "I'm getting potatoes to soak up some of this alcohol." Edward ordered steak, when the waitress came. I think he was trying to fuck with me a bit, although he said not, that he just really wanted a steak after talking about it, although he played it safe and just ordered it broiled.

"I spoke to Jasper about you," Edward confessed, after the waitress had left.

"And?" I knew his answer would be interesting. Edward had been pretty pissed off the night before, but very conciliatory when he approached me at the show. I wonder if his conversation with Jasper had brought about his change of heart.

"He thinks I am a fucking idiot for even thinking about you…ah, I mean, thinking about getting to know you." Well, I guess it wasn't Jasper that had made the difference. "I mean he was very happy I met someone…um, interesting, to…ah…talk to, until I told him about you being married." After that he was completely against this whole…ah, I don't know what to…uh, thing, I guess." He was trying so hard to find the right words to explain our situation, but there were none. I understood, because I had the same difficulty when trying to formulate my thoughts. Friendship for all its letters was not a big enough word to encompass what was between us.

He sat across from me, meeting my gaze, but not pressing me, just waiting patiently for my response. He was so polite, much too well-bred to make me feel uncomfortable with his choice of words or actions. But then I suddenly realized as he unconsciously twisted his fingers together that he was uncomfortable. Maybe he was rethinking Jasper's comments after spending more time with me. I would imagine after many years of close friendship, Jasper's opinion was very important to him. Or maybe he thought I would actually care what Jasper Whitlock, famous actor, thought of us. Either way, I didn't want him to feel my actions or opinions should complicate his life further.

"It's cool if he doesn't like me. I mean he must have thought I led you on. It wasn't my intention to cause any problems between you two," I replied. After all, my friendship wasn't really worth a falling out with his best friend.

"No, he likes you… I mean, he doesn't fucking know you, but he doesn't think poorly of you. It's my actions that are the issue," Edward said, his gaze locked to mine.

"What? That you wanted to apologize to me for the weird, um…end to our conversation last night?" I couldn't really see how his actions would be a cause for debate unless Jasper had tried to tell him that he didn't really need another friend badly enough to track me down. I'm sure he had many, many friends that were a lot more interesting than I am. Maybe it was a 'No New Friends' rule to protect their privacy.

"No, Bella, I told you earlier it's not that at all. But, I have a little confession to make that might help you to understand," he said, eyes downcast. "I hope you won't be angry."

"Okay…do I have to guess what you are going to say?" I said. I couldn't imagine what he might confess. He'd already more than made amends for the previous night. Maybe he'd lied when answering one of my either/or questions and wanted to see if I was still "precognitive."

With a quiet exhale he started, "I didn't quite just bump into you at the premiere last night. I saw you and thought that you were quite beautiful so I decided to stand near you so I could observe you more closely. I hadn't actually planned to fucking speak to you, but you took care of that with your dangerous heels." He made a little half smile to himself at the remembrance. "Please accept my apology. It was terribly wrong for me to objectify you like that." He still hadn't looked right at me, obviously bracing for the worst.

"Edward, you have nothing to apologize for, I'm not offended. I'm actually flattered. And that whole premiere was one big objectification fest anyways. It was contagious. Just be glad you didn't catch the 'Make googly eyes at Jasper Whitlock' bug. That might have been awkward for you two." We both chuckled at my lame joke.

So that was his big confession, that he had wanted to stand near a girl and check her out (little internal squeal since that girl was me), that boy had some serious insecurity issues about the ladies. I grabbed a hand that had briefly stopped running through his hair and was resting on the tabletop, and gave it a little squeeze to let him know that everything was okay.

"So, to clear up the earlier confusion, Jasper thinks that I should have let go of my interest in you once I realized you were unavailable… beyond friendship that is. He said I was being delusional to think this would end in any other way than, at best, my disappointment. Maybe he was correct, but I just can't stay away from you." He finally looked up to make eye contact with me when his confession was concluded, like déjà vu of his reaction earlier at the bar. It was like he was pulling together the courage to face his executioner.

"Well, this is exactly why I haven't said anything about meeting you to my girl friend," I replied, hoping to relieve his fear that I would reject him. "I knew she would chastise me for enjoying my time with you, but I'm not ashamed of liking you."

The waitress delivered our food before Edward could reply and we both sat silently until she asked us if we needed anything else. We ate our meals with exaggerated precision, like one wrong gesture could set off a trigger. Things had been so light and easy with us just a few minutes before and I wondered if Edward was regretting his decision to go against Jasper's advice. I didn't know what to say after my pronouncement. Maybe Edward though I meant I like liked him. Well, I kinda did, but I didn't want him to know and I certainly wasn't free to feel that way anyway.

"Bella, I'm sorry that things are so awkward, but this is all very new for me. I'm more comfortable in life as an observer. I read people very well and I consider myself somewhat of a student of human nature. I'm… constantly watching and trying to fucking understand." His eyes held mine in an unblinking stare, like he was trying to read my mind through them. "And the situation with Jasper has forced me to take on a role very akin to the protective older brother. I'm constantly forced to keep people outside of the very controlled bubble of his fucking world. I've become very vigilant and exclusionary. I can only let down my guard around people I know well… people I knew before all this." He threw his arms out in a grand gesture, as if to indicate the whole of LA, the home-base of the industry and media that controlled the Jasper frenzy.

"Sometimes I feel like I am just watching everyone around me living life and I'm just… I guess…I'm waiting. I just want the thing that I'm supposed to do or the person I'm supposed to meet to happen already so I can get on with living. I didn't expect that it would ever fucking happen. I felt I was meant to be alone, not really alive." He stabbed at a bit of meat and shrugged it into his mouth like shrugging off his last statement. He was such melodramatic, morose drunk, I wondered if this was typical.

"Edward, you know you are being completely absurd," I said, waving my fork in front of his face so he would look at me. "I realize you are living through some very exceptional circumstances, but nothing is forever. Eventually the public interest in Jasper will die down and you'll have a bit more normal life. You'll probably even miss the insanity," I said making light of it, but I still got no acknowledgment from Edward, so I continued. "Plus, there are plenty of women out there dying to meet you. You don't have to be alone. Didn't you get approached by a few tonight?" He obviously didn't have to be alone if he didn't want. So many women would jump at the chance to know him, and not just because he was Jasper's friend, but because he was talented and gorgeous in his own right.

"Bella, all the women who approach me are very fucking superficial. They either want a fling with a celebrity or they are fans that tended to have a look of crazed worship. I really want no part of either and most of them are teenage girls anyway. I just want someone to talk to, to share all of life's little disappointments and unexpected joys, a true friend. That is the type of woman I have been waiting for, that I want to be with." Again, he caught my gaze and held it, searching for something in my eyes.

"I'm sure you could make friends with some great girl very easily. Look how fast we became friends," I replied, appealing to reason.

"You are the only friend I have made in a long fucking time, Bella. I don't think you understand how special that is to me. You are special to me."

My trite reply, You're special to me too, Edward, caught in my throat as the meaning of Edward's words finally registered. He had just declared himself to me in so many words. Suddenly, I realized any awkwardness that had been between us was gone, replaced with the earlier hum I now recognized as sexual attraction. I felt warm, light-headed… smothered.

"Let's get out of here," I suggested, hoping some fresh air would help. We left more than enough cash on the table to cover our meals and made a beeline to the car. I just had to keep my head clear enough to get Edward back to his hotel and then I could leave fast, before I made any regrettable mistakes. Edward had basically told me he wanted to be with me; but, I would refuse him however much I wanted to accept anything he had to offer. And in the moment, I wanted it very much.

I put the car in gear and looked over at him for direction. "I'm staying at The Standard, downtown," he said, slouched back into his corner of the passenger seat.

"Thank god, no Beverly Hills," I exclaimed. I hadn't relished the thought of the long drive down Santa Monica Boulevard, trying to keep my hands from roaming all over Edward, as if his admission allowed me free reign on his person.

"It's actually Jasper's room. It was near the cinema holding the premiere, but he's been staying elsewhere with Maria so I just crashed there."

The trip downtown was uneventful (thankfully), and short, especially since the freeways were fairly empty in the early hours of Friday morning. We only spoke when Edward gave me directions. I found parking on the street near one of the doors to the hotel and pulled up to idle at the curb and then I steeled myself for the dreaded, but necessary goodbye.

"Walk inside with me for a moment?" he coaxed. I knew I shouldn't, that it would just be easier to wave goodbye from inside the car, but I wanted to prolong the inevitable end for just a few more minutes. I couldn't say no when he was asking, so I turned off the car, grabbed my purse, and followed him to where he stopped at the smoking area just to the side of the door.

"Do you mind?" he asked me politely. I shook my head no and leaned up against the wall to watch the captivating show of him lighting and pulling drags from a cigarette... a lucky to be resting between two oh-so-kissable lips cigarette... and I suddenly I understood the innuendo in the name behind Lucky brand cigarettes.

"Please come up for a nightcap," he said softly, questioning. "I'm not ready to say goodnight yet."

I was beyond rational reply, enthralled with him after the little show with the lips and the cigarette. His gestures, words, beauty, mind. I merely nodded my ascent.

He threw the hood of his jacket over his head and we moved quickly through the ultra modern lobby, with its clusters of Euro-hipsters lounging on mindblowingly magenta sofas, to a waiting elevator. Once at his floor, I followed silently behind him to a door at the end of a long, empty hallway. His room was oddly familiar; the large white tiled bathroom with a non sequitur, oversized black foot in the middle, modern furnishings and walls of white accented in gray and yellow racing stripes; and the large wall of windows overlooking the LA sprawl. I realized I had been in this very room, or its twin, when Angela and Ben had been married. Angela had the bridal party prepared together in the suite where she and Ben later spent their wedding night. It struck me as an odd coincidence that I was revisiting the location of one of Angela's martial milestones as that same marriage had finally reached its conclusion.

In our hurry to reach the room without notice, Edward and I had not spoken. I felt as if speaking would somehow break the spell between us, like in some unlikely fairytale. But we did have to speak again at sometime, so I mumbled something about the room being nice.

"What would you like to drink?" Edward asked. I remembered that "nightcaps" were our excuse to prolong our goodbye, but I didn't really want to keep drinking.

"Can I just have water?"

"Of course, I was just thinking of the same myself, but I did promise you a drink," he grinned to himself, maybe in acknowledgment of the elaborate charade we were playing. He handed me a high-ball glass filled with bottled water from the minibar. I vaguely wondered if the drink from the in-room bar cost more than those he had bought earlier at the bar.

I wandered over and sat down on the edge of the bed although the room did have a sofa. Edward joined me and we sat next to each other silently drinking our water. I almost couldn't breathe because of the tension between us and I began to feel lightheaded again. I handed my water to Edward and lay back on the bed, hoping to ease the dizziness.

"Are you okay?" he asked, worried. I must have seemed pained.

"I'm fine, just tired," I lied as he got up to set our drinks down on a table. I should have got up when he did and left, but I couldn't move from my spot. He returned to the bed and lay down next to me, but gave me plenty of space. We both toed off our shoes, but left our jackets zipped up tight, and lay next to each other on top of the white hotel comforter; fingers spread, but not touching.

"Thank you," he whispered to me, after another lapse into silence.

"It wasn't a problem," I replied. "I just wanted to get you back safe," I said feeling like a total mother for saying that. I couldn't confess that I didn't know how to say goodbye, didn't want to say goodbye.

"That's not what I meant," he said softly chiding.

I could hear his breathing stop after a few seconds and then settle back into an audible rhythm. Every cell in my body was tuned to him, my eardrums vibrating to his breath, fingers tingling just beyond his touch, eyes squeezed tight against his apparition, waiting for the next whispered word.

"I meant for accepting my peace offering," he said with a rough whisper. I felt the slightest of sensation tickle on my scalp and trickle down my neck and spine as one of he traced the curl from a lock of my hair that had settled on the bed in the space between us. It was an innocent touch, but it had roused me. My fingers itched to feel his tousled hair in turn.

I opened my eyes and found he'd turned himself up on one elbow to survey his tracery. As I wanted, I reached up and gingerly brushed a strand of jetty hair back from his eyes, just brushing past the tip of his ear.

"You have no idea how fucking good that feels," he leaned down to whisper in my ear. The warm breath sent heat to every extremity of my body that rebounded back like a wave to my center. My abdomen involuntarily contracted and fought my heart for high score in a contest of palpitations.

"I like making you feel good," I replied, as though under a truth spell.

"I wish I could kiss your lips," his warm breath met my ear again, voicing his desire.

"I wish I could touch you…" I trailed off, but then continued, wanting to convey the details of my fantasy as he had, "Touch your chest… underneath your shirt." The words tumbled from my mouth, an outpouring of my unstoppered desire as Edward's breath panted heavily against my ear. I wanted to look over to see the heaving of his chest, but I was too afraid of what might be set in motion if I moved.

"If I could, I would bare your collarbones and follow each of them with my tongue to bite the soft spots at the base of your neck. I've been dreaming of doing it since I saw you in that dress last night." His confession made the heat building in my body flare and I stretched so the shoulders and neck he wanted to caress were slightly raised into the air toward him.

"I want your shirt off so I can trace every muscle, kiss every centimeter of skin, umm… taste your nipples…" A soft whimper from him was the only response for several seconds. I didn't hear or feel his breath against my ear; he must have been holding it and trying to control himself.

"It's only fair that you would be topless too, so I could touch your breasts and tease your nipples until they were hard. I want to suck them until you fucking beg me for more." His last vow was almost lost as a new flare of desire overtook me and I groaned aloud. I was already on the verge of begging him to have me. I had almost forgotten why it was forbidden, even if some distant corner of my brain still knew.

In a last ditch effort to stop this insanity between us, I warned, "I would have to push you away from me." I moved back and rolled up onto an elbow to face him, to see if he had acknowledged the truth of my words. I wanted to watch as he replied in his urbane British accent. He could say anything in response and it knew would be sexy.

He rebelled against my attempt to cool us down, escalating his banter, "I couldn't let you. I would pull you back to me… remove all the barriers between us." He stared straight into my eyes and said, "I want you naked and in my arms."

My defenses were utterly destroyed as he gave voice to my own deep desire. I so wanted to press my naked body to his. The fingertips of my left hand gently nudged his face back up into my line of sight with light pressure to his cheek. Those same fingertips traced a feather light trail over the curve of his lips as they parted. I willed him to speak so I could see the words on his lips again, but he did not. And then those lips were on mine.

His kisses were, not gentle, bruising with passion. He sucked and nipped at my lips as they became swollen and throbbing. His taste; just a trace of tobacco, tea, and something else I could not define, but I definitely wanted more of, made me tentatively run my tongue past his upper lip. The softest whimpered moan came from Edward as he swirled his tongue against mine; deepening the exchange.

In an attempt to illicit another one of his sexy moans, I ran my hands up under his shirt, initiating something beyond our not so innocent kisses. We were soon pulling at each others' shirts, frantic in our anticipation as we performed every activity as we had said we would. Except for when it came time for me to push him away, I pulled down his jeans to hasten the joining of our naked flesh. I could not stop this exchange anymore then I had been able to take any one of the numerous opportunities to part from his company before reaching this crescendo.

He didn't let me touch him with my hands, whispering that this was about giving me pleasure, but I used my legs and hips to tease him to the edge of his control. When the moment that neither of us could have denied each other came, I could only beg him, yes, please.

Ironically, that was the first moment of the night that I thought about Jake; my thrall to Edward had been so consuming. The thought of my husband was finally evoked by the contrast between the way Edward filled me against my experiences with Jake. With Jake, I often gritted my teeth as he plowed his full length in and against my cervix like a conquering barbarian; proud of his length, like each inch added to his manliness. In comparison, Edward moved slowly, stretching me deliciously wider than I was accustomed and never giving me anything other than pleasure. But more than carnal fulfillment, the greatest pleasure of the night was falling asleep with Edward curled around me, whispering words of praise, gratitude and adoration.