Lessons

SHWANG!

In a half moment I was there in the room before him. I stepped up tall, deliberate, and proud to the bottom of his throne.

His red eyes opened slowly.

"What is your purpose here Balthazar?" he spoke venomously. His voice, though utterly human, had a slight similarity to a hiss.

Too bad I had long since stood unimpressed before voices like his, men like him.

He was a just another person.

"DreadKnot and his gang have failed, Sir." I reported, slightly smug.

"They have failed on their first try, how disappointing. However I hired DreadKnot and his mercenaries because he doesn't give up, ever." He stated as if it was common knowledge, an aftertaste of arrogance abundant in his speech, "But, I do not have patience to sit around waiting for results much longer."

His red eyes stared directly through my yellow sunglasses, past my eyes, into my mind.

Too bad the door was locked.

"Hopefully the money I've hired you with will prove to have been a better investment. Go Balthazar, retrieve me the stones I need, and you will have your reward."

I bent my head in a slight bow of respect, "Yes, Sir."

I turned and with a quick flash of light,

SHWANG!

I was gone.

SHWANG!

I appeared on top of a hill overlooking a suburb of Albany, New York. I reached into my back pocket, pulled out a cell phone and pressed eight.

The phone speed dialed the number and rang twice before the line picked up.

"Yes, this is Balthazar. Yes Sir, his plan is still on track. Of course Sir."

Beep

I hung up.

I turned around to face the highway just behind me.

I smirked.

SHWANG!

S-S-S-S

Sunlight seeped in through my open window and reflected off clean white walls.

My eyes slowly opened and I glanced out at the yellow sun.

I blinked.

I threw off the sheet and popped my back. It was then that I saw my image in the mirror on the back of my door.

My hair was a mess, and I could have used a shave. I had sleep in my eyes and I stood with a lazy I-just-woke-up-leave-me-alone posture.

Lesson One; about not being a morning person: Don't leave you're bedroom windows open, the sun has a habit of waking up early.

I sat back on my bed with a thud. I crossed my legs into the lotus position and closed my eyes, as was my custom. There, like every morning, I meditated diligently…

…for about a half second.

I smirked to myself as I got off the bed and stretched with a large yawn. I went over to my dresser and got out a clean pair of boxer-briefs along with another uniform and I laid the articles on my dresser. I then sleepily walked the few steps over to my stereo. The clock read 9:18 AM. I grinned. "Time to wake up Conner…" I pushed a button and the machine switched to CD mode. I went to track 8, turned up the volume and pressed play.

A quiet bout of melodic strings met my ears for a few seconds, before raging mad guitars roared out of the speakers, shaking my room slightly and echoing throughout the still quiet tower. The ass tearing rock continued to blast the grogginess from my brain. I moved over to my sink and, with super speed, shaved and brushed my teeth. It was about that time I heard a loud-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

I smirked.

"Wow, this music is so loud I'm sure I would never be able to hear if anyone was knocking on my door!" I yelled at the door, being a general pain in the ass.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

"Ah don't do this to me again dude!" came the whine of a shape shifter whose room was closest to mine, "Just turn it down!"

Of course, I responded by turning up the volume more.

Lesson Two; about living with a morning person: We're asses when we wake up.

"DUDE!" he yelled through my door. I snickered and pressed the repeat track button, as the song wasn't a long one.

KNOCK KNOCK!

"Yo! Man turn that crap down!" came Cy's angry voice.

"Dude, he won't listen to us! Ugh! I'm gonna go get Robin!" Beast Boy threatened.

"Yea, you better man."

I snickered with delight.

"That won't be necessary, I'm going to make sure this clown gets the picture." Came a different voice.

I sweatdropped.

FSHING!

Black energy tore my door from its hinges and hurled it down the hall over the cowering Beast Boy and Cyborg. Raven stood just outside my door, her absolutely emotionless glare a little angrier than usual.

"Superboy, if you don't stop doing this every morning I am going to… ugh." She cut herself off and covered her eyes, after all, I was still just in my boxers from the night before.

I smirked "What's wrong babe? Don't tell me you haven't seen guys in less than this. I know what you do with that crystal ball on those long cold ni-"

FSHING!

CRASH!

A black flash of power hurled me forcefully into my stereo, and the world spun in front of my vision.

"There," Raven said dusting her hands off, "now I can meditate in peace." She stalked off.

After she was safely gone the three of us guys started laughing.

"That was so worth it!" I chuckled, climbing off my broken dresser and shattered stereo.

"Yea, but dude, you deserved every bit of it! You asshole!" Beast Boy laughed/glared coming over to help pick up my scattered clothes.

"BB's right, Conner." Cyborg added as he set my door back on the hinges, don't ask me how he repaired all that damage so fast, c'mon, he's Cyborg!

The three of us walked out of my room and we shut the door behind us.

"So, what are you going to do about having your stuff trashed?" Cyborg asked curiously.

"I'm… going to go take a shower for starters." I said as I headed in the general direction of the nearest bathroom, as one hadn't been put into my room yet.

Cyborg and Beast Boy just stared at my retreating form. Thanks to super hearing I heard Cyborg mutter after I had turned the corner, "I dunno bout you BB, I like Conner. But he can be an ass."

"Totally. At least, he's not as bad as Speedy."

"Heh, yea. Or your pansy-ass tofu."

"HEY!"

"Yo, speaking of breakfast... who's cooking it?"

S-S-S-S

I eyed the tools on the counter before me. A pan, a carton of the eggs, a loaf of the bread, a toaster, and something Cyborg referred to as a 'spat-chu-lah'. My glance next encompassed something humans call 'the O-ven.'

Alright Kori, do not panic. This is a simple human task… I mentally conversed with myself.

My nervous glance was cast over the alien tools once more.

I sighed.

"Since you are able to subdue a rabid Chimera from the island planet of Dreynor, then you are most certainly capable of preparing a native human 'breaking of the fast.'" I reassuringly told myself.

Myself did not listen.

I sighed once more, "Merely take it one klugrom at a time."

Lesson Three; about living ones life on a different planet: The Earthen kitchen is a most confusing place to be.

I took the pan and placed it on the O-ven. I studied the selection of identical dials and finally chose one to turn. I reached over to the carton of the eggs and produce a small white oval. I held it up to my face and scrutinized.

"Please, how does one open such an immaculate contraption?" I asked the oval, knowing very well that it would most likely provide no answer whatsoever.

Suddenly a tremendous sound liken to a million hissing Thaclumar beetles reverberated through the Tower... coming suspiciously from the direction of Superboy's room.

With an "Eeep!" I jumped and the oval flew from my grasp, sailed gracefully through the air, and crashed on top of Cyborg and Beast Boy's precious Gamestation. I gulped once I saw the shattered husk and the gooey yellow insides all over the earth technology.

Lesson Four; about living on a planet filled with fragile things: Many, many, many different earth items can be easily broken in many, many, many different ways.

R-R-R-R

I glared through my eyemask at the photos of the crime scene.

Lesson Five; of Crime-Fighting: Criminals are a cowardly, suspicious people. So in order for justice to gain an edge over crime, it has to be brave and intelligent.

Where could they have disappeared?

I thumbed through the official report that I had read at least four times last night. I found the page I wanted and read part of it mentally.

Jinx, Mammoth, Johnny Rancid, and Fang, four notorious criminals that, after being subdued, managed to escape without a trace from the crime scene last night. No clues are evident as to how they managed to escape or to where they may have been heading.

I squinted my bloodshot eyes behind my masked and yawned. My tired, wandering mind produced an image of the mysterious Vanishing Man from yesterday. And just what the hell did he have to do with anything going on last night? I thought hard on it but… my mind just couldn't make any more connections.

With a sigh I temporarily surrendered. I set down the report, got up, walked over to my bed and, without even removing my uniform, laid down for some sleep.

My eyes closed, my muscles relaxed, tension flowed out of my body in waves and my pulse gently beat throughout my being. My breaths evened out. My mind began to wander…

Starfire, the Cave, Raven, Gotham, Cyborg, the Tower, the Titans altogether, Beast Boy, … Terra, ….Slade.., red fire, a red night sky, Bruce, Alfred, superheroes, Superman, Metropolis, Gotham City, Steele City, the short lived Titans East, Speedy, Aqualad, being a sidekick, being a superhero, growing older, growing older with friends, growing old with loved ones, growing old with… Starf-

I was brought back to the domain of the conscious by the sound of howling speakers and electric strings rumbling thru the Tower like an enraged stampede of sound.

Then my mind focused only on one thing… Superboy.

I clenched my teeth and clasped my pillow over my ears, drowning out the sound. I began to relax again as I tried to meander back to dream land. Then the volume rose, and my pillow became much less effective

Lesson Six; of life in general: Murphy only had the tip of the iceberg, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, and everything that can't possibly go wrong, will go wrong anyway.

I tried for a few more seconds to block out the sound before tossing the pillow aside and angrily crawling out of bed. I stomped heavily to the door and was about to open it when-

whir

"Oh! Hello Robin!" Starfire chirped, "Good the morning to you. May I interest you in a meal..."

Now I liked Starfire but,

Lesson Seven; about having an alien for a housemate: Don't let them cook. Ever.

"Thanks for the offer Star but I-"

"… of the traditional Earthen variety?" She finished without paying any heed to my interjection, and I wasn't quite sure if she did what she did because of naiveté or from foresight. I wasn't quite sure what to say. Breakfast sounded nice, especially a breakfast that was created on good old 3rd rock from the Sun. But, the big question on my mind was, could Starfire cook an earth breakfast? I had to do something…

"Thanks Starfire but I'm not really that hungr-"

Gruuummmggg my stomach growled.

I sweatdropped.

Starfire giggled lightly.

"Yeah, sure, I'd love some breakfast Star." I said feeling tired, defeated, and homicidal to a certain teen with an S on his chest.

The alien red head clasped her hand together excitedly, "Wonderful, may I inquire as to how many unborn poultry infants you desire?"

I sweatdropped, "I'll take three… eggs. Thanks Star."

"You are most welcomed, as soon as I gain the dining desires of our friends I shall begin preparing."

"Awesome." I exclaimed tiredly, with a hint of sarcasm. "Would you called me when it's ready Starfire? Thanks a bunch." I yawned, "I'm going to catch a few Z's."

B-B-B-B

I came back into my room after being rudely interrupted from my slumber by Superdouche's random music blaring. Don't get me wrong, Superboy, or as we called him around the Tower, Conner (short for Kon El or something like that… which is weird considering Conner is longer than Kon El, but anyway) is a good enough guy once you get down to it. But damn, sometimes he's such an ass it isn't even funny.

At least he isn't as bad as Speedy.

I took off my nightshirt and my flannel pants and dressed into my uniform.

I was about to head out the door when my glance fell over my own radio.

A smirk played across my face before I literally slapped myself.

C'mon, Cyborg would totally kill me!

I decided not to invade everyone's audio-orifices with my blaring tunes as Conner had done, but I did put on burnt CD and pressed play. An upbeat slightly techno/jazz tune reached my pointy ears as I lounged on my bed for a few more minutes before someone came to get me.

knock knock knock

Too late.

I got up, pressed the stop button on my radio, and opened my door with a whir.

"Hello Beast Boy. I am preparing for all of us a traditional earth morning meal. However, it is well known that you are not omnivorous in nature and so I need to ask the question, how many of the meat substitute replicas of unborn poultry infants would you be prepared to consume this morning?"

"I'll take two tofu eggs Starfire, thanks for asking." I smiled.

Lesson Eight; of having an emotionally abundant alien cook your food: Avoid it whenever possible, but never say no. You never know what they might wreck if they're sad.

"You are welcomed, I will now go inquire my curiosities to the other Titans." She said before floating off. I sighed, and pressed the play button again. I sat down on my bed and relaxed.

R-R-R-R

"Azarath Metrione Zinthos

Azarath Metrione Zinthos

Azarath Metrione Zinthos"

"Friend Raven?" Starfire whispered quietly.

Lesson Nine; of interrupting me when I'm meditating: Don't.

"Friend Raven," Starfire whispered cautiously, "I am-"

"Making breakfast, right? Thanks Starfire but I'll just make myself some tea when I get done meditating."

"But Raven, it is a traditional earth breaking of the fast! Are you sure you do not wish to participate?" she asked, her voice was no longer whisper, but still forcefully calmer than usual.

My left eye opened and it's brow rose, though Starfire couldn't see any of that since she was behind me. The wind on the top of the Tower blew thru my blue cloak, causing it to flap gently in the wind.

"Yea, okay, I'll have one of, whatever you're fixing." I said curiously.

She lost her cool, "Oh magnificent! I shall make positive that your cooked unborn poultry tastes best of all!" She shouted before hugging my thin body and flying swiftly back down the tower.

I rubbed my arms where she had hugged/bruised me with her alien strength, "This should be interesting."

"Azarath Metrione Zinthos"

S-S-S-S

Robin wants three, Beast Boy wants two, Raven wants one… Oh! Hehehe, it is ironically amusing how the numbers line up! I thought pleasantly to myself as I floated speedily down the halls.

I had known Beast Boy would take the task of consuming my earth breakfasts, he and Cyborg were the only ones there to try my first attempt at the 'cakes of pan'. Despite their polite comments, I could tell from observing their odd facial expressions that my confections did not have the taste deemed normal for that particular food stuff. Although, unless I miss-observed their facial expressions and body language, my 'cakes of pan' did not have a displeasing taste, and I believe myself to have been living on earth for long enough to correctly gauge my friends physical responses. I smiled confidently with that thought.

"This time I will get the taste of the earth food exactly right! They will not be able to tell the difference! …because there shall be none! No differences whatsoev-"

"AAH!" Superboy yelled as I flew into him.

"YAH!" I gasped as we both fell back onto our posteriors.

"Oof! Heh, imagine running into you here." Superboy, or as he preferred us to call him when no civilians could hear, Conner, said as he got up and shut the door to the bathroom behind him. He had fully changed into his uniform and since his nighttime apparel, to which I was still shocked at the abundant lack thereof, was in his grasp I had assumed he had just finished a shower.

"My apologies for the accident Conner! Although it is fortunate that I have met you here. I am preparing a traditional earth meal and wish to know how many of the unborn poultry infants you desire to ingest!"

"How many of what?" Conner asked blandly.

I found that he had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that was ever present in his attitude. In an obscure way it was similar to Raven, except cruder and much, much louder. A few of my other teammates have even conversed with me on that subject. But he has always been most jovial, jocular, and usually polite with me.

"I shall repeat the part of my query in question-

S-S-S-S

"-How many unborn poultry infants can you foresee yourself consuming this morning?" she repeated herself.

Now, of course I had understood what she said, even on the first time. Yes I know, you all think I'm some kind of raging idiot. Well, you'd be right, but I'm not a stupid raging idiot.

But I kept on a confused face, "I'm sorry, Starfire, one more time."

S-S-S-S

I was quickly becoming suspicious, I smirked, "Conner, you wouldn't happen to be putting on a charade of Beast Boy and his lack of vocabulary would you?"

He could no longer keep the straightness of his face.

"Snnnnch-HAHAHAHA! Yea, ya that was it, you caught me Starfire!" he laughed knowingly.

"Hehehe," I laughed not so much because I found it funny, but because he thought I honestly believed he was portraying our shape-shifting friend.

He may be clever, but he isn't too cognizant of some things.

"Well, I'd like it if you'd cook me four eggs Starfire."

"Very well, I have only to attain Cyborg's desires."

"Well then, Rock on!" he chuckled.

"Huh?" I asked, genuinely perplexed.

"Uh, nevermind Star, I'm gonna go put these back in my room." He said gesturing with his undergarment.

"O the K, I shall see you shortly!" I called as Iwe flew off in different directions.

And as I floated, I thought.

I have come upon something that I find most odd about the human male. They all have varying degrees of openness towards females about certain subjects. And while technically Conner is not of the human race, he was raised by them. Or, at least, I believe he was.

Now that I ponder on the subject, I do not believe I know anything about Conner's life before the Titans, besides that he is the cousin of the legendary 'Man of Steel' that is.

I shrugged it off and continued my former train of thought. What caused the idea to resurface in my mind was Conner's undergarments.

From the week and one-half we have all spent with Conner, he seems very open and likes to make himself and his ideas known and does so with unabashed delight. While not necessarily a bad thing, it can be a nuisance sometimes and I find it occasionally irking. Raven and Robin find it that way more often. For example, always playing his 'music' in the mornings.

Beast Boy on the other flimbar, while as loud as Conner, is not so open. For example, the first time I did the laundry with some of his undergarments in it, he became furiously embarrassed for quite a long time. Seven bremlarks if I recall.

Robin on the other hand is neither embarrassed nor open with things of this nature. While he is not embarrassed by mine washing his undergarments I doubt he would have wielded them so openly has Conner had just done.

Although, X'hal be true, while I do not experience any emotions out of the ordinary when washing anyone else's undergarments, I still become slightly… flustered when washing Robin's.

…

Perhaps this train of thought is better left un-explored.

Lesson Ten; about letting your mind wander: Beware the undergarments.

C-C-C-C

My human eye stared down at my plate and what for a Tamaranian passed as eggs. If you were gonna talk about these eggs, and you used the word scrambled, you'd have just said the understatement of the century.

"Well? Go with the head my friends, ingest the unborn poultry infants I have prepared for you!" Starfire commanded playfully.

"Why do you need to call them that?" Raven asked while staring at her plate, a slight wave of nausea dancing on her immaculate stoic-ness.

"Yea, it seems like a lot of work when you could just call 'em eggs." Conner suggested.

"But Star technically is right too." I provided, saving the alien some grief, "It's that whole Tomino-esque thing. Saying it's Gundam when it's really just giant robot anime, right?" I asked looking up from the butchered meal.

Five sets of eyes were giving me weird looks.

"What?"

"Weirdo." Beast Boy muttered.

"Friends, please, delight your taste buds with the wondrous eggy flavor!" The alien pleaded cutely.

Lesson Eleven; about living with the epitome of adorableness… who can kick your ass: You have two undeniable reasons to do whatever they ask you to.

I looked down at the eggs with my human and mechanical eyes. My lower lip whimpered as I saw the massacred eggs down on my plate.

I brought a fork full of eggs halfway up to my face. I slowly opened my trembling mouth. My mechanical arm shaky with trepidation.

Raven watched intently.

Beast Boy had gotten up and walked over beside me, ogling up close with his mouth open.

Robin stared at me, his eye mask wide.

Starfire peered at me exuberantly, smiling wide and biting her lip.

I stared at the fork full of eggs and my mechanical stomach started to turn.

I couldn't do it…

munch

I stopped... and we all turned.

"Hey, ya know, this stuff looks like crap, but it's pretty tasty!" Conner's muffled voice broke the tension.

We all stared at the new Titan.

He opened his eyes and met all our unbelieving eyes, "What? Try it." He munched down another fork-full.

We all looked down at Starfire's meal… we ate.

…

"Wow! This is great!" Beast Boy shrieked.

I tried a bite… a second, "Wow! Starfire this is, this is…"

"Egg-tastic?" Raven asked sarcastically.

I stared in her direction, "… Yea! HAH!"

Robin looked up from his plate, "Wow Star, these eggs taste really-"

The alarm sounded.

Beep Beep Beep

The Boy Wonder set down his plate, backflipped over the couch, turned in mid-air, and landed by the main computer. His fingers typed in a quick command.

"Titans, trouble! Dr. Light is attacking downtown!" Robin stated.

Lesson Twelve; about fighting Dr. Light: It's a big waste of time.

Beast Boy and I grunted, "UGH!"

"Doesn't that dude ever just stop, he's awful!" Beast Boy groaned.

"Seriously, Robin, Dr. Light isn't trouble… here, I'll take a little drive on down to the bank and kick his ass and withdraw some money so I can buy groceries on the way back." I moaned, "We're outta chips and Dr. Pepper anyways."

"Would it not be more prudent to send Raven to dispatch of the Doctor, she is after all most affective against him." Starfire commented.

"I'm kinda busy right now, maybe later." Raven said laying her empty plate down and picking up her book boredly.

Superboy took in all our responses before adding dryly, "And I though I was the one who half-assed shit around here."

Robin looked at us with a stern face, "Titans, just because Dr. Light isn't our most dangerous adversary does not mean we should take him lightly. We are all going, now. Titans, Go!"

Following his orders, Starfire opened a window and flew out, Beast Boy followed in the form of a falcon and Superboy came up next, closing the window behind him.

Raven came over and grabbed Robin and I by the arms and teleported us down the the garage in the blink of an eye. Once there Robin hopped on his bike and Raven and I jumped in my baby, and we hit the road to beat Dr. Light.

It was an easy fight.