Boys Will Be Girls
(And Girls Will Be Boys)
By the South Park Universe Team
Three figures enter the frame, each one looking less pleased than the next.
Of course, one wonders how such pretty young girls could ever be upset. The first one looks like she should be especially content; hard to find such a pretty young girl out here in the depths of Colorado. Her scraggly black hair is somewhat shiny, a product of product. It would look decidedly unfeminine, except great care has gone to make sure that it will soon be tamed. The faintest hint of blue eye shadow is sighted; what would normally be an unseemly image is rendered almost cute by the nervousness that crowds around it. Mascara, applied unevenly and obviously for the first time, is also just light enough as to be obscured by the lightly dropping snow. Yet for the look of doom etched across her face, the image is almost whimsical in its innocence. Her jacket is made out of what must be something soft and feminine and very much purple, as it hugs her body perhaps tighter than she would want. A cute little flower indent on the right side is probably a little too young for her, but who are we to judge the tastes of a young lady? Her gloves match her jacket, her larger than normal hands still easily fitting into these obviously larger than normal female gloves.
Her obsession to purple takes a turn for the vain as her flowing purple skirt stops just below the knees, what is obviously a poor choice for her climate. But perhaps she wanted to show off her smooth legs? Dirty whore with an adorable pink sling back-pack? Obviously a boy killer, especially with those wonderful Mary Janes.
The girl next to her is a fair inch or so taller, but this is likely as her long, ginger hair is tied back yet still up. It looks combed and refined, yet there are hints of what must have been a wild time before authority took root. Her face does not have any makeup, looking somewhat masculine and therefore extremely unattractive. But she did have deep, sorrowful green eyes that seemed about to break open. Her green tank top, unlike her friend's, is the opposite of form fitting and seems to be a tiny bit baggy. Perhaps a diet? No, tall and gangly, more likely an eating disorder. That or the tank top has been purchased for the long haul, which points to cheap or Jewish parentage. Either way, the green gloves she wears constantly tuck at the shirt, probably partially responsible for the baggage. Her skirt is more sensible than her friend's when it comes to climate; it is long, trailing slightly behind her and covering every inch of her. Of course, snow falls and fabric gets wet. And certain fabrics tend to be see through when wet enough, and this is one of them. Her sling back-pack was smaller than the previous girl's, but her purse was prettier. Shiny, even. Almost addictive to stare at, until one was arrested for child endangerment. Unlike the previous girl who seemed to have put a lot of effort of effort into her appearance, ginger girl's colors and clothing choices clash mightily, creating a graven image of discord and mere mortal terror. Or maybe she was a lesbian, anyone's guess.
The final girl shows far too little of her face, showcasing all the traits of shyness that probably make all the horny young boys want to peel her hoodie- and other garments- back. Her eyes were wide with a mix of fear and embarrassment, wet with tears. The poor thing must have been dumped- but no matter, her light blue parka was the epitome of adorable and every boy with urges must have wanted at one time or another to keep her quite close. The faintest hint of blonde hair can be seen poking out, and without a doubt, is one of her biggest advantages. What boy wouldn't want a blonde haired babe who keeps her trap shut? She was probably a good cook too, judging from her slightly torn blue gloves. Her red, whorish red to be exact, handbag is screaming out against the snow with the sound of a thousand hammers. Actually, that is the Twilight cell phone that she has trouble shutting off and instead just tosses back into the bag in resignation. She has light blue sweat pants on, which must make her the smartest of the bunch. The only drawback is that it makes her butt look fantabulous.
The three settle near a bus stop sign, the snow all the activity that can be seen. Each girl seems frozen in place. Perhaps the first girl should have worn something that covered the legs, a slight shiver can be seen. The second girl is probably blinded from the offensive clash of colors, unable to move in this hellhole of green and orange brought on by her own foolish decisions.
And the third girl? Well, sobbing usually doesn't mean you're moving, and she is certainly sobbing. As her increasingly high pitched whines start up, the second girl sighs a very unfeminine sigh.
"Kyle, remind me why we're dressed like this?" the first girl questioned, the voice that of a nervous young boy. Therefore, it sounded more girly than most girls. Damn pre-pubescent voice.
"The town agreed to force everyone in our class to 'See how it feels to be who you don't want to be'," air quotes accomponied the feminine Kyle Broflovski's statement, "So all us boys are dressed as dumb girls and all the girls get to dress like us."
The first girl pinched the bridge of her nose, unhappy.
"Soo... fucking... stupid." Stan said slowly, nodding his head and throwing his hair to the side.
"Dude, Stan, my dad told me if we didn't agree, the Painters got to sue for $100 million." Kyle said, pulling his skirt up off the ground as much as he can.
Kyle was trying to be sensible, but Stan was not having any of that.
"I don't give a shit - LOOK AT ME, Kyle! What the HELL is going on? All I know is last week, they closed down the school. This weekend, everyone in town had to buy new clothes and stuff. And all I know is if it was up to Shelly, I'd be wearing lipstick right now. I don't care about the god damn lawsuit, I didn't do anything and I should NOT have to dress this way!" yelled Stan, the other two looking. His cheeks flushed with color as he rambled on, growing pinker and seemingly rounder. It fit him.
"...Lipstick?" Was Kyle's well-thought, thoughtful response.
"Dude, you think I put all this on? My parents were so worried I wouldn't know what to do with the clothes that they made SHELLY get me ready. My morning was hell." Stan said, motioning to his body. Indeed, from their football days Kyle could swear that Stan had a smidgen of body hair, shorter eyelashes, and didn't have fake and painted nails.
"I can only IMAGINE... at least my parents covered my legs." Kyle looked down. Thank Moses no one could see HIS legs. But thank Moses even more that he was probably warmer than Stan.
"My mom thought I was cute, Kyle. Cute - for the love of all that is good and god damn holy, CUTE!" Stan cried. "This town is a madhouse!"
And it was true. Sharon, though she had not enjoyed the law, had taken to her task as the mother of two girls. Maybe it was because Shelley had been very unfeminine or they had never gotten along. Maybe it was because she thought it was funny. Maybe it was because had bad experience with men or thought Stan made a pretty nice girl. But for whatever reason, over the past two days she had been much too nice and complimentary. It was hard to be angry with your mom for being nice, but Stan was managing it very easily.
"I cannot believe we're doing this... imagine what kids in other grades have to do!" Kyle said. They all knew the answer; nothing. Only the fourth graders had to do it.
Kenny, the third girl, loosened his hood severely, freeing his mouth and lower face and some more blonde hair, a bit of lipstick and light makeup added seemingly uncaringly, probably by Karen "This thing is too damn hot...Shit Kyle, I have NO idea... it won't be fun, I'll guarantee you THAT."
"Isn't this somehow illegal?" Stan questioned. Kyle shook his head sadly.
"Nope. Our parents were contacted and told the situation AND they all agreed. The school district allows it - the town pushes it - our parents are okay - perfectly legal." Kyle responded. His fear- all their fears- was well founded. If everyone agreed, who knew how long it could go on?
"Well I don't know about you but I- HOLY HELL, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" Stan let out a high-pitched scream that was quickly echoed by Kyle and Kenny.
"Oh, it isn't that bad, you guys. You're overreacting."
Lurching from the nightmare hellchasms of the Cthulu Mythos arrives a creature too horrible and vile to describe. Each thunderous step allows its horrid flaps of leg-skin to jiggle around, visible due to a red skirt that only goes down to the mid-thighs in some cruel test by the Lord, who himself would be defenseless if a wind blew that skirt up. The stomach that tumbles over to cover the skirt flops around with every waddle, a deadly impact if it were to connect with opposing flesh. A very red and even more whorish top smashes his globs of fat together to make breast-lasers, who can with great certainty blind the majority of people with the grave misfortune of laying eyes upon the monstrosity.
Men gnash their teeth and women weep at the sight of it, and the armies of a thousand nations collapse in its wakes. Emanating from its body are noises and odors so horrid, that if one were to describe them to even the most stout-hearted of men, they would flee from this existence in mortal terror.
It is Cartman, and holy hell, is he a whore.
"Dude!" Kyle yelled as Kenny tightened his hood so much he was almost choking.
"Oh come on, it isn't that bad. You guys are just being lame and overreacting." Cartman spat.
"Cartman, seriously, what the fuck?" Stan asks. All their eyes were glued to his stomach, chest, and legs. They attempted to look away, but their sight was no longer under their control.
"This is all I have, hippie!" Cartman replies, setting his leg far apart. Kyle turns away.
"Holy hell, I'd pay for anything other than THIS." He states as Kenny begins sobbing.
"God, you guys are immature." Cartman rolls his eyes.
"Everyone else had to go to the mall, why not you?" Stan asked.
"My mom said we had something."
"Cartman, your mom is a whore." Kyle noted. It was true.
"Totally." Stan agreed. He usually agreed with truthful statements.
"Ay, shut your fucking jew mouth, Kyle! And who's the one with eyeliner AND FOUNDATION on, Stan?" Cartman bellowed, smiling as he saw Stan blush. He also enjoyed truthful statements- when they fit his agenda, at least.
"Eye shadow and mascara." Stan corrected Cartman, then blushed even more as he damned himself.
"Gah, even worse, you know enough to correct me..." Cartman whined.
"Well, I had Shelly all over my face this morning, fatass." Stan replied in defense of himself.
"...I wish I had Shelly all over my face." Kenny had a dreamy, snarky look.
"You WOULD like that, freak." Cartman replied.
The snow encrusted bus pulled up, chains on tires. The door slowly opened to reveal the old hispanic driver, who gave the boys a once over and sighed.
"Oh boy, more trannies. Hop on, we're runnin' late." He said with maximum resignation. The kids lumber on to the bus, laughter coming from older kids. They saw the humiliated faces of many of the other children in their grade as the pairs take their usual seats.
A punk rocker and a grungy boy sit close by. The punk rocker has spiked hair that is incredibly obtuse and embarassing. The clothes are fairly generic unisex punk clothing. Grungy looking boy doesn't really look all that bad, just sort of plain and brutish in a combination of very brownish-grey. The black hair is of medium length and is messy. Punk sees Cartman, opens a window and pukes as the bus takes off.
"Huh, what is it Bebe?" asks the grungy boy- Wendy. She notices Cartman and pukes on the seat in front of her. Stan, sitting in front, turns and pukes all over her, then notices Cartman and pukes as well.
"Ay, shut up h- uhhh... butt pirates!" Cartman yelled.
"That's it, I'm out of here." Wendy got up, the bus moving and almost throwing her down. She maintains balance and takes a free space across from Stan and Kyle.
"Hey Stan, uh, nice shirt?" she said, trying to be a bit encouraging - not that Stan looked bad in a skirt, but he certainly didn't look happy. Too bad.
"Yeah, you too." Truthfully Stan didn't think Wendy looked bad in her clothes either. Well, didn't look bad in as much as the clothes eemed to fit and shw went well in them. He preferred her when she looked pretty- and it dawned on him that he might be the pretty one. Time to change thoughts. "Why didn't your mom take you?"
"She said something along the lines of she can't anymore... something to do with the punish- Stan, are you wearing makeup?" her eyes widened at her boyfriend as she examined his face. Outside, it was light enough to be disguised by the snow. In here, however, the lights on the bus made it stand out.
"Shelley forced me too." he said innocently, trailing his hand across his face in a submissive gesture.
"Right." she lowered her voice to a whisper, winking, "It's okay if you like makeup."
It would be if he did. It really brought out some of his features. And besides, she had lots of extra makeup-
"Do you think I would like makeup?" Stan said, looking into her eyes and more than a little embarassed.
"Oh damn straight you know you love it, Stan. You're a pussy f*g and pussy fags like to wear makeup." Cartman piped in, having waited to get a dig in ever since he had been mocked as he got on the bus.
"I wasn't talking to you, skank!" Stan replied viciously, shooting Cartman daggers.
"Sorry Stan... you're lucky you weren't here earlier... the older kids gave us hell." Wendy explained, stretching and looking down.
"It's not as bad as seeing Cartman in THAT." Kyle answered, pointing to Cartman.
"I'm trying to repress the memory here!" Puking sounds come from Bebe's direction.
"Ay fuck off, skanks!" Cartman yelled.
"I think Cartman needs some tit support." Kenny smirked. "Anyone have an extra bra? We're looking about... 48DD" Surprisingly enough, there were no answers.
"Ay, shut up Kinny! My mom said I was a 30B!" Cartman slapped Kenny, who rubbed the spot.
"Catfight!" came the voice of Clyde in another seat.
"Shut up godammit!" Cartman yelled.
"You kids settle down, you're giving me a migraine!" the bus driver cried out as he sipped a beer, "That fat one caused me enough pain as is."
"ANYWAY, it's good they stopped before we got on." Kyle explained to Wendy.
"They ran out of steam... I swear those pictures'll be on Facebook before the school day is even over. I heard all the kids have to go to the auditorium first thing." Wendy said, playing with her hands.
"Oh dear God, what NOW?" Stan banged his head into the seat in front.
"Your makeup, Stan." Wendy said with concern.
Stan moaned.
---
The South Park Elementery Auditorium was filled - teachers on a stage, podium set up, lights rigged. The Mayor stands there going over notes, Principal Victoria at the microphone as the kids file in.
"Okay now, girls to the right side, boys to the left." she says.
Butters - dressed familiarly as Marjorine- goes to the left. Mistake.
"No no honey, boys on the left, girls on the right."
Stan and Kyle were not far, and heard it all.
"Have they gone insane?" Stan asked.
"Dude, they were never sane to begin with." Kyle replied as everyone went to their seats. Mr. Mackey approaches the podium.
He cleared his throat, "M'kay, to begin we-"
"This is outrageous!" yelled Wendy.
"M'kay, yeah, so-"
"No I mean, this is outrageous, stupid and probably ille-"
"Stop, m'kay? We have some things to go over and not all the time in the world to do it. Anyway, as you can tell, things will be different for a while, m'kay? Uhh, to start off with, m'kay, obviously you are dressed differently and in conjunction with the Mayor's office-" the Mayor, without looking up from her notes, gave an uncaring wave, "other changes will be implemented, mkay. We ask for your patience a-and that famous South Park school spirit-"
"What school spirit? I think only like five percent of the school goes to the game, the regular townspeople have more school spirit." Stan whispers. It was true and it pissed him right off. He worked his little tail off at practice! When they had beat WEst Park in one of the more stunning games in county history, 42-10, less than a dozen kids at school had said they had seen it. Disgusting.
"-nd so on and s-so forth, m'kay? T-The first change is we need you to come up here one at a time and give us your s-school IDs to be exchanged with new ones, m'kay?"
Kyle raised his hand, "Why?"
"Because it is part of the punishment, m'kay. Now, if you would be so kind as to cooperate, we will call you one at a time."
"Huh?" Kenny was dumbfounded.
"M'kay... Broflovski, Kyle." Kyle nervously walked up and handed in his ID, which was put in a small bucket. Mackey handed him a new one - Kyle's jaw dropped.
This couldn't be right.
"Kayla G. Broflovski, 4th Grade, Garrison, Band, Female, Ginger hair, Green eyes?"
"Yes. You will be referred to as Kayla now, m'kay Kayla?"
"But I'm not even in band!" Ky- Kayla railed as if it were the biggest problem laid on her plate.
"You are now, m'kay, Ms. Boyd will be very happy to have you in her-"
"This is retarded, how can you do this?" Kayla exploded.
"Well, it is part of the punishment, m'kay - you are taking the place in terms of after school or school centric activities of someone who is changing and taking a new activity themselves. M'kay, beyond that, this name is being legally recognized outside of the school for the duration of this story, er, punishment." Silence.
"Don't blame me. Blame yourselves for hurting that kid, because I had no choice." Mayor McDaniels replied.
"Kayla, back to your seat, m'kay? I will call up the rest- I want you to state all the information on the card loud enough for the mics to pick up." Mr. Mackey said.
"M'kay next is... Stoley, Kevin N.?" Various kids went up to their own disappointment in no particular order. After Kevin, Leroy and Craig, they call up Stan.
His legs almost gave out. He felt light-headed- and he felt a certain combination of embarassment and anger swell up.
"Stacey Marsh, 4th Grade, Garrison, Cheer Squad-' Wait, what?! I'm on the football team! We- I- No! I've been working hard-"
The cheer squad, oh lord no. Stan had always kind of liked them. Not in the date sort of way, but in the they-are-cute-and-if-I-were-a-little-older-I'd-be-as-a-hard-as-a-rock type way. And they were the opposite of everything he had stood for. He felt his genitals shrivel and drop off, a pair of breats grow on him, and a slit appear where there shouldn't have been.
Wendy was thinking the same thing and had a small giggle.
"Just finish already, m'kay?"
Stan, erm, Stacey sighed. "Cheer Squad…Female…Black hair…Blue eyes… godammit..."
"Language, young lady!" Victoria piped in. Stan suddenly felt the urge to sit on a toilet and pee.
"Wesley Testaburger, 4th Grade, Plus One Advantage, Garrison, Football team, Male, Black hair, Brown eyes!" Wendy's voice screamed with anger, "Football? That is a barbaric, brutish sport played by low IQ imbeciles who want blood!" Plus she was scared of getting hit very hard.
"Hey!" Wesley's girlfriend was not happy with her behavior himself.
"Oh, not you Stacey, you're smart." Wesley offered what she hoped was a calming smile.
"HEY!" she cried again. Goddamnit, Stan hated this.
"M'kay, well we need you to lead us to victory, m'kay, so get ready for some football." Mr. Mackey explained. "Stevens, Bebe A?" The kids each come up with mixed reactions - mostly shock, fear and anger. Everyone goes back to their seats with their new IDs. Victoria, smiling, walks to the stand.
"Okay now, you'll find the combination to your new lockers-" Victoria began.
"New lockers?" Tanikwa asked, the only black girl in town. Did that mean that now racism AND sexism would play a role if a certain Cthulu creature did something? School officials were concerned.
"Yeah, you have new lockers with everything you'll be needing. They are pretty stuffed right now as the contents of the appropriate gym lockers have been transferred-"
"W-Why?" Butters, er, Lacy asked.
"The gym is undergoing a renovation right now, so the lockers were taken out. Go out to your lockers and see what is inside, then come back in here. The Mayor will answer some of your questions then."
A few minutes later, the kids file back in from the lockers, looking even more disgruntled. "Just...no." said a pale Stacey. Her- HIS cheerleader uniform had fit too well- it was probably the same fucker who had fucking taken his fucking measurements at the fucking mall for HIS new fucking wardrobe? Fucking eh, Stan felt fucking angry. But he was more embarassed because he started to realize that he was a goddamned cheerleader.
He was a cheerleader.
Goddamnit. Well, at least it felt nice- NO IT DID NOT.
"Okay now, take your seats and- okay, that was quick. Well, give a round of applause for the Mayor of South Park!" there were a few weak claps as Victoria moved aside and the Mayor took center stage, all smiles. The teachers clapped. A few sudents booed. Okay, almost all of them booed. Some seemed to hiss, and the teachers began to think they heard the sounds of pigs being slaughtered and the spilling of sinews. An appropiate time to intervene. Garrison jumped up and walked briskly to the podium, where he rudely shoved the Mayor aside.
"Shut the fuck up you god damn faggots, this is your own god damn fault!" He yelled angrily, then smiled, having stopped the boos, hisses, and pig slaughtering for now. He turned to the Mayor.
"Okay, your turn Mayor McDaniels!" He said as he skipped of gayly. And he had the nerve to call other people faggots?
"...thank you, Mr. Garrison." The Mayor said, confused, clearing her throat. This was going to be a tough crowd to win over, but if she could convince that jury that she hadn't missappropiated funds, then convincing a bunch of hick children that being a bunch of tomboys and sissy boys shouldn't be too hard.
"I understand that this seems like a lot to swallow, but I want to assure you that we are doing everything in our power to make this as easy a transition as possible. Hopefully, we can do this and the town shall not suffer more than needed. Questions?" Bebe raised her hand, "Yes, Beavis?"
"Yeah about that... who the hell chose these names?" came Beavis' voice.
"Your parents via a phone call a few nights ago." the Mayor explained.
Stacey slapped her forehead, "Damnit, I heard that phone call!"
"Why didn't you say something, dude?" Kayla asked her friend.
"Ugh, godammit...I was talking to you on SKYPE, I wasn't paying too much attention."
"Okay, you…Lacy Stotch? Yeah, Lacy." the Mayor asked, Cartman laughing.
"S-shut up, Erin." Lacy looked at the mayor, "Uh, can we be our normal selves at home?"
"Uhh, no. Your parents will be enforcing the punishment and the town has ways to do so. As such, the police are currently in your houses, locking away certain things-"
"Wait, they're in our rooms?" Claudia Harris hopped up.
"Yes" she said simply as Claudia's eyes widened and she ran right out of the room. A few kids exchanged glances.
"What the hell was that all about?" Kyle asked. Stan shrugged.
The Mayor's eyes widen with disgust, "Jesus Christ!" she turned and nearly puked but her surviving aid took out a bag, which she promptly vomited in. The aid pocked it and let her go, the Mayor ready to yell, "Erin Cartman, what the hell are you wearing?
"It's all I had!" Erin answered.
"Principal Victoria, do you allow the children to dress like this?" the Mayor exclaimed.
Victoria looked angirly at Erin, "No, we do not. Erin, come with me." she took Erin by the hand and walked her out of the auditorium.
"Gah! She looked furious. Wha-What if she kills him?! God!" Tabitha Tweak shook and twitched in her chair, not very calm, even with her friend Tanikwa next to her. It probably didn't help that Claudia was no longer with them.
"Well, I must go now. If any of you have any further questions, submit them in writing and if they are legible, I may or may not read them and then I may or may not respond." she leaves, stealing death glares.
"It would've been fucking easier just to say 'Don't bother'" Kerry McCormick muttered.
Mackey walked to the podium and checked his watch, "M'kay…well, that wraps up what we can go over for now because you have to get to class before home period ends. M'kay so, good luck and if you need to talk, m'kay, you can see me at any time." Garrison heads out, his kids following him.
"T-Think they'll use the footage?" Mackey asked the remaining staff.
"Well, there was a lot of screwing around, I think it was dramatic enough." Mr. Adler replied.
To Be Continued...