~Looking Up~

It took a lot of underhanded tricks and evasive manoeuvres to make it out of the school without having the dreaded JONAS confrontation. After hiding out with Van Dyke for the rest of the lunch period (and flirting semi-competently at that) Macy had dashed off to English Lit with seconds to spare. Sliding into her customary as-far-from-Nick-as-possible seat, Macy promptly tuned out her teacher and set about devising ways in which she could avoid her former favourite band.

It was remarkably easy. Nick seemed content with letting her avoid him (certainly there were no more surprise ambushes in study period). Kevin was still looking for her, but she could usually hear him coming (he kept asking random people where she was-it was easy to track his movements). Joe provided the only real challenge, camping out in front of the girls' change room waiting for her. It cost her ten bucks to convince one of her volleyball teammates to create a diversion so she could slip past him (Sara was a surprisingly good yodeler). After practice, it was a mere matter of slipping out the side doors of the gym and high-tailing it to the parking lot before she was home-free.

Stella wasn't happy with her. There were about four voicemails on her phone letting her know just how unhappy Stella was with her. And two voicemails complaining about how Joe wasn't mature enough to handle saying the d-word. It amused her to no end that even while Stella was trying to get Macy to talk to JONAS she was still griping about the cluelessness that was Joe Lucas. Stella's complaints continued being funny until Macy listened to the final voicemail in which Stella casually mentioned that she and the brothers would be at the basketball game tomorrow night (Kevin as a cheerleader, Nick to show some school spirit, and Joe because he was trying to prove he could handle a date-like environment with Stella). And when Macy said casually, she meant that Stella said in such a careless manner that her suspicions were immediately raised.

Her phone was out and speed-dial connected before she even got into her bedroom. It had to have rung like ten times before Stella picked up (she supposed it was Stella's way of getting back at her for all the avoidance from the past two days). When her best friend did finally pick up her phone it took all of Macy's willpower not to roll her eyes at the overly innocent greeting: "Hm, yes? Macy is that you?"

"You have caller ID, you tell me." She couldn't help the little laugh that escaped her after. Sometimes just hearing her friend's voice made Macy feel better (and if she hadn't been so gloomy and self-pitying yesterday, she might have called Stella for a serious girl-to-girl chat-Macy had a feeling that they were long overdue).

"Well, I was just making sure," Stella replied smoothly. "You know, since it's been pretty much impossible to actually get you on the phone nowadays."

Ouch. Stella Malone nails one right on the head. "Would it help if I said I was sorry?"

"Funny you should ask that, since that's all the boys have been asking me since yesterday."

Double ouch. "Can we not do the whole JONAS versus Macy thing right now?"

"I wasn't aware that my friends were battling against one another. Is it like a cage-match or something?"

"That's funny-you're funny. You should take this act on the road."

"Nah, touring's not for me. That's more of a JONAS thing."

"You're going to say something JONAS-related every sentence, aren't you?"

"Well someone has to. You used to and now it's up to me to pick up the slack. And speaking of slack, or should I say slacks, want to see the new look I designed for the upcoming JONAS tour?"

"Sure . . . right after I'm done jabbing this pencil in my eye."

"Macy, you're being mean right now."

"I am not. Well maybe just a little. See, this is what happens when people try to force me into JONAS conversations. I get moody. So can we please just skip it today? I really just need to talk to my best friend right now."

There was a short-lived silence that was interrupted by Stella heaving a great big sigh. "Fine, I get it. You're not ready to talk about it yet. But sooner or later, you're going to have to talk this through Macy Misa."

"Yeah, I know. But I've got some other things that are more important at the moment."

"Does this have anything to do with Van Dyke asking you out?"

Macy was momentarily stumped. She recovered quickly and gave a frustrated grunt. "I knew you knew. How did you know? And did you get the Lucas brothers to show because you knew?"

"Of course I knew. I overheard some of Van Dyke's football buddies discussing it. And no; the whole date-like thing between Joe and I was something we decided on yesterday. Before Nick showed up at the firehouse quaking in his new leather shoes that had been ruined because of his impromptu school-wide race to escape the clutches of a horde of JONAS fangirls."

Macy winced. "Does it matter that I feel bad about that?"

"It's not me you owe an apology to," was Stella's cool response.

"I know, I know. And he's not the only one I owe an apology to. I was like a hurricane yesterday, Stella. I didn't even have a good excuse other than the fact that I was angry."

She could imagine the sympathetic look on Stella's face at that moment. "Everyone has on off day Macy. It's not like you started the day with the intent to be horrible."

"I know, but that's not the problem. I've been like this since The Incident, and I think I'm getting worse rather than better. Here I thought that I was just growing up and becoming mature, but it was all a lie. You were right; I switched one obsession with the other because I was mad. And knowing that just makes me even madder. It's like I'm nothing more than a ball of anger, and I hate it. I've never been so angry in my life. You know me, I prefer being happy. And every time I tell myself that I should just get on with it and be happy again, I see something JONAS related and off I go again. Angry, hurt, and trying to cover it by talking down to everyone I know. And yesterday-my God Stella. I was a monster, I was mean, and I did all these terrible things even though I knew they were wrong. It's like I'm not even myself anymore, and that makes me want to cry."

And then she was crying. It was three weeks of build-up that had to come out sooner or later. She barely heard Stella's protests over the phone. She was saying that Macy wasn't a monster and that Macy was a good person. But Stella hadn't seen her yesterday. She may have heard about it from others, but seeing was believing. Macy never knew that she was capable of something like that. And she was so angry that she had let down Coach, her teammates, her peers, Stella, and herself in one afternoon of petty, childlike behaviour.

"Macy? What do you need before you can forgive them?"

And the thing was, she didn't know what she needed. It wasn't an apology; she had had like five of those already (Kevin had practically been grovelling). She wasn't sure if there was anything they could do to get her to forgive them. Maybe she was just going to be angry with them forever.

"Forever's a long time Mace. I think you just need to talk to them. Yell at them, scream at them, throw things-whatever it takes for you to get all this anger off your chest."

"What if that doesn't work? What if it only makes matters worse? I honestly never thought I could hold this much negativity inside myself, Stella. I hate what it's doing to me, but I think I hate the idea of talking to them even more."

"Macy Misa, you are never going to feel better until you deal with this. You can avoid them until we graduate, stick your fingers in your ears while the radio's on, and walk around the grocery store blindfolded-and all that might guarantee you a JONAS-free environment, but it's going to make you feel better. At the end of the day, you're just going to end up bitter."

Macy sniffled and flopped down on her bed. She looked up to her ceiling and remembered when she had a door size poster of JONAS plastered over it just three weeks ago. It was like another lifetime.

"Macy?"

"I'm still here. I'm thinking about what you said Stella. And I know you're right. But I don't want you to be right."

"Then what do you want right now, Macy Misa?"

"I want you to be my best friend. My best friend who tells me what to wear on my date with Van Dyke tomorrow."

It was a lame attempt at changing the subject. She could tell Stella was debating whether or not to let the discussion go. Finally, her friend sighed once more and Macy knew that for now, Stella would let her have her way.

"Well, you've come to the right place, sister. Are we doing dressy-cute or casual-cute?"

~*~

The next morning was better than the morning before. After her long talk with Stella (who decided casual-cute was better for a basketball game) Macy had to admit, she felt better. It wasn't to say that she was happy again, because she was still pretty miserable, but she had a better understanding of what she had been doing since The Incident. Stella was right; she was punishing herself to get back at JONAS. Deciding to chuck everything she had loved pre-Incident just because it reminded her of JONAS hadn't been the best way to deal with what happened. Only problem was that she still wasn't sure how she should deal with what happened. Even after talking it over with Stella, Macy still felt the anger was fresh as if it had all happened yesterday. And she wasn't sure what she should do with all this extra anger.

She was up well before she had to be, and as was becoming her custom, she headed off to school early so she could effectively plan out her JONAS-avoiding plays for the day. Macy was well aware of how pathetic her behaviour was, but she wasn't in any mood to be sensible. She would deal with JONAS when she was good and ready.

Of course, JONAS didn't necessarily have to agree with that.

She had been so confident that the school would be empty (or at least devoid of Lucas brothers) that she hadn't been as cautious as she typically was during the school day. She wandered into the school, not noticing the three of them until it was too late. They were standing by the stairs, obviously waiting for her. There were crumpled up food wrappings and empty drink containers on the stairs right next to where Joe was seated. Kevin was leaning against the nearest bank of lockers and she heard Nick wander up behind her, effectively cutting off any retreat.

They stood silently in the hallway for a minute. All three brothers were looking at her (Joe had this contemplative look on his face while Kevin looked wounded-Nick was still behind her so she couldn't see what expression he wore). She glanced about her nervously, already feeling the anger start to swim up from her belly. She didn't want to do this right now. But she didn't think that they cared.

"Sit down," Joe said, patting the spot next to him. She gave him a dark look and he only returned her look with a calm gaze. Kevin was shuffling closer and Nick placed a hand at the small of her back, attempting to guide her Joe's way. Defeated, she gathered up her things and sat on the stairs a few feet away from Joe. He only shifted over closer and Kevin and Nick came to stand in front of them. She was locked in.

"You're mad," obviously Joe was taking point on this one. "We get it. We probably should have gotten it sooner, but we get it now. You're mad about what happened with Malcolm Meckles, and you have a right to be. We messed up Macy, we messed up bad. Not just because we lied to you, but because we hurt you as well. And believe me, that wasn't our intention."

"I never said that it was," was all she could manage to say.

"Problem is, you haven't said anything at all," Kevin spoke up. "You're mad at us, and we want to make it better, but it's like you don't."

Macy felt anger shoot through her heart. "So this is my fault."

"He didn't say that," Nick was stoic, but firm. "You need to hear us out. You're never going to feel better until you do."

"You don't understand what this is about."

"Do you?" Joe shifted so he could look her right in the eyes. "What do you need from us, Macy? Whatever it is, we can give it to you. But you have to talk to us."

"We're your friends," Kevin added helpfully. "We just want you to be happy again."

Macy scoffed. "Friends? How can we be friends?"

Kevin looked like she punched him in the gut. "Mace-"

"We can't be friends because we don't know each other. I know everything about you, but I know nothing about who you are. And you, what do you know about me besides the JONAS obsession and the sports? Nothing!"

None of the boys had a response to that. And that was too bad because Macy was just warming up. "This isn't about you lying. This is about you doing something I never thought you could do! And now, instead of having the nice, little world I lived in before, I have this nightmare place where I'm angry all day, Edward can't sparkle, and Serena and Blair are not good role models."

Kevin was lost. "Who's Edward? Does he go here? And who said he can't sparkle?"

She felt like screaming. "You just don't get it!"

"Well, we're trying to!" Nick snapped at her. "Unlike you, we're not looking to blame and hiding behind Van Dyke Tosh whenever something stressful comes up!"

"What does Van Dyke have to do with this?" she wanted to know.

Joe was struggling to salvage this discussion. "What Nick is trying to say is that we're willing to try and work this out with you, but you have to meet us halfway."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

Kevin gave her a pained look. "But if you don't, how do we become friends again?"

Macy shrugged and blinked back tears. "Maybe we can't be."

"Of course we can be," Joe pleaded. "But you have to let us try."

"I don't know if I can."

Nick looked disgusted. "But you can try with Van Dyke, right?"

Macy gave him a dirty look of her own. "What does Van Dyke have to do with this?"

"You still going with him tonight?" Nick demanded to know.

"Of course."

"Fine." And with that, the youngest Lucas brother was stomping off down the hall. Macy watched him go in disbelief, not sure how the discussion went from her anger to Van Dyke and then to Nick being able to storm away angrily when she was the one who had cause to be upset.

"I'm not sure what that is about," Joe picked up from his brother, stirring Macy from her thoughts. "But he does have a point. How can you not let us at least try to make it up to you?"

"Please Macy," Kevin was on his knees now. "Just give us a chance. We want to make things better. And it's not because we feel bad-which we totally do-but even more because we know you're miserable. And even though you don't think we're friends, the three of us know that we want you to be our friend. That means we want you to be happy again, and we'll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens."

It was all too much, and far sooner than she had wanted it. Macy stood up abruptly, looking between both brothers carefully. "Let me think about it for a day. I'll talk to you after school tomorrow."

Joe got to his feet and looked her straight in the eye. "Promise?"

She nodded. "Promise."

Kevin smiled tentatively. "Tomorrow then?'

"Tomorrow."

~*~