Jack missed the distraction, that was all. That festering feeling in the pit of her stomach wasn't regret or guilt. It couldn't be. Miranda had been a good lay, nothing else. Without that, Jack's mind went back to how fucked up her life was all the time. Goddamn fucking Cerberus. She could feel her renewed hatred growing inside her like a parasite. Fuck, there had to be some way to get rid of it.

. . .

"Are you really going to do that, Commander?"

"Are you still questioning me, Miranda? After everything?"

Everything I've done for you, Miranda heard in what was left unsaid.

"But that's not the same. My sister was important. This isn't."

"This is important to Jack. If it helps her fight her demons and keep a straight head for the rest of the mission, who am I to deny that to her?"

"What if something happens? To any of you?"

"My, I didn't know you cared. Come on, Miranda, you know I'm careful. It's a derelict facility, we're planting the bomb, then get out. Easy as pie. I'm not planning on taking you, if that's what you're worried about."

"That's not what I meant!"

Miranda frowned.

"Actually, I... I'd like to come with you. If you insist on doing that."

Shepard raised her eyebrows.

"That doesn't sound like a good idea, Miranda. Jack is... tense enough already. I don't think your presence will help. Would you have wanted her along when we helped your sister? Also, you're my XO."

Miranda wanted to curse, but kept herself in check. Shepard was raising excellent points.

"Please, Commander, I want to understand her. Give me a chance," she said after a moment.

It was Shepard's turn to frown. If anything could get her to relent, it was a hint at compassion. And Miranda didn't even know anymore if it was an act.

"I'll have to think about it," the Commander said eventually.

. . .

"You brought her?" Jack stared at Miranda.

"My call, Jack."

Jack snorted, but knew better than to argue when Shepard used that tone of voice. But the cheerleader of all people! As if she didn't have enough going on without her.

The facility was a miserable place and it made her skin crawl. She wanted to rub her arms all the time, but she felt Miranda's eyes on her and kept still. She hadn't felt this pathetic in a long time.

"Let's just hurry."

Things kept getting worse. Bad memory after bad memory came crashing into her at every corner.

And why were those fucking holos still functional?

"Sounds like this facility turned rogue," Miranda said calmly after the first one.

Jack turned to her and snapped:

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? He didn't say what they were hiding from the Illusive Man."

Miranda caught Shepard's eye, and she bit her lip as the Commander shook her head in warning. Part of her had really wanted to calm Jack down with her words, part of her even wanted to believe what she was saying. But it was odd to stumble over a functioning holo conveniently exculpating Cerberus. She knew too well how the Illusive Man worked.

And the place made her feel sick. That morgue, the small tables...

"They kept children here?" she couldn't help whisper as they made their way towards Jack's cell. It was easy to see that Jack was getting more and more upset. Confused, too, as her memories crumbled around her, and the narrative she'd spun of herself, her survival, was coming undone.

And there was nothing Miranda could do for her. Maybe she really shouldn't have come along.

And why did she want to do something about it, anyway?

Shepard did these things so easily. She just was a born leader. She could charm krogan, for heaven's sake. Miranda was equal parts envy and admiration.

Damn, she even managed to convince Jack to spare that poor excuse for a human being, Aresh. Miranda had a feeling if she'd tried to talk her out of it, Jack would have shot him just to spite her.

. . .

"You can't just come barging in here whenever you feel like it!"

Miranda stared at Jack. For once she looked truly dangerous. Something in Miranda recoiled, even as she wanted to...

What was it that she wanted from Jack? For Jack?

"So, you get to come down on a whim and treat me like your little fuck toy, but I am barging in?"

"Well, some of us actually work on this ship!"

"Oh, screw you! Tell me, are you proud of yourself? Does this fulfil you, working for an organisation that abducted and killed children in droves? Is it a vocation? Is it the money? Benefits? Retirement plan? What could possibly buy your loyalty?"

"I want you to leave, Jack," Miranda said quietly, digging her nails into her palms.

"Or is it just because you have nothing else in your life?"

For once, Miranda lost control. She made to charge at Jack – to do what? Hit her? She never even got close enough to find out what she'd have done.

"Touch me and I'll smear the walls with you, bitch!"

Her barriers easily deflected the attack. Before she could do anything to retaliate, Shepard stormed in.

"Enough! Stand down, both of you!"

"The cheerleader won't admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!" Jack came dangerously close for a moment, then turned away again.

Miranda forced herself to calm down.

"It wasn't Cerberus. Not really," she said coldly, then sought Jack's eyes. "But clearly you were a mistake."

Jack's eyes widened for a second, then narrowed again.

"Screw you! You've got no idea what they put me through. Maybe it's time I showed you!"

It was almost like one of their games, Miranda thought for a second. She knew that should have worried her, but a small part of her found it exhilarating. She wondered if it was on Jack's mind, too. If Shepard hadn't been there... But there was something in Jack's eyes, a tension in her stance, that told Miranda this was a horrible idea.

Shepard shook her head.

"This mission is too important to let personal feelings get in the way."

"Fuck your feelings! I just want her dead."

Miranda raised an eyebrow.

"You both know what we're up against. Save your anger for the collectors."

"I can put aside my differences," Miranda agreed, taking a step toward Jack, coming uncomfortably close, but she couldn't lose face in front of the Commander. "Until the mission's over." Her face was mere inches from Jack's, and for a moment she was lost in the anger and confusion in her eyes.

"Sure, I'll do my part. I'd hate to see her die before I get a chance to filet her myself!"

Then Jack turned abruptly and rushed out.

"You two gonna be okay?" There was impatience in Shepard's voice, but also some confusion. Had they been too obvious? No, Shepard was not the type to understand this kind of sordid, fucked-up affair. Not with the way she was sweet on Dr T'Soni. Sweet being the key word here.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did." Miranda walked over to her desk again and sat down. "As long as she does her job, we'll be fine. Thanks, Shepard."

"Why did she even come here?"

"Who knows what she's thinking?" Miranda muttered, not meeting the Commander's eyes.

Shepard shook her head in exasperation, then left.

Miranda tried to focus on the report she had been writing before.

'Or is it just because you have nothing else in your life?'

Miranda closed her eyes. Jack's words should not be capable of leaving such an impact.

Nothing Jack could do should hurt her like this.

But it had been a perfect assessment of the situation.

. . .

It was a bad idea. A very bad thing to do indeed. She felt painfully giddy as she exited the elevator and walked down those stairs once more. She didn't know why she was doing this again. Was it a self-destructive urge? Was she insane?

The look on Jack's face was strange. Almost like pity. But something else, too. Worry? No, that couldn't be it.

"After everything you're still coming down here? I thought I was a mistake."

"Tell me you didn't think about it."

Jack frowned.

"I did. But it felt different. I really wanted to hurt you. Would have, if you'd let me. I can't do this anymore, cheerleader. I don't trust myself around you, I don't have that level of control..."

Miranda stared at her.

"Do you want me to beg?" she asked softly.

"Do you hate yourself so much that you need this from me, of all people?"

"Damnit, Jack! What do you care? Didn't you threaten to filet me? You want to hurt me, just do it."

Jack gave her a small, oddly unhappy smile.

"Maybe I just don't want to hurt you that much. Find another way to deal with your issues, I can't..."

"Oh, go to hell."

Jack watched her stomp off, then lay back, thinking about herself, about Miranda. A part of Jack had wanted to reach out to her, and that had startled her. And anyway, she didn't have the slightest idea how to even begin.

But how strange to realise that someone so superficially perfect could be so broken underneath. At least, Jack thought, at least she was honest about how fucked-up she was. And that helped. But maybe, just maybe, she had to learn how to let go. She was not a scared child anymore. Perhaps there was more to life than just survival.

If she survived this fucking mission. Shepard made her almost believe it was possible.

. . .

On the first day after their victory, they were all just stunned that they'd survived. All of them. On the second day, once they'd made their way back through the relay, they'd decided they deserved a party.

Jack actually felt – happy? No, that wasn't quite it. Accomplished was more like it. Relieved as well. Enough to join in and tell some dirty jokes and challenge Vakarian to a drinking contest. He wormed his way out, claiming there wasn't enough dextro booze on the ship.

She kept glancing at Miranda, who was standing in a corner, pale and serious-looking, as she talked to Shepard and Jacob, who both seemed worried. Jack knew Cerberus well enough to guess at the content of that conversation. It probably had serious repercussions to turn your back on the Illusive Man. Especially as spectacularly as Miranda had done.

Well, it was her own fault for working for him in the first place, wasn't it?

But Jack couldn't help remembering that she'd been there as they'd made their way through the swarm, constantly standing in Jack's way as she'd strained to keep up the barrier. Neglecting her own cover. Like a fucking human shield...

The next time Jack tore her eyes away from the oddly entertaining sight of a drunk Tali trying to hit on the oblivious turian, Miranda was gone.

Eventually it was all getting too much and she sneaked off, made her way down into engineering, where she sat on her cot, back against the wall, eyes closed, thinking about what to do next.

Then she heard the elevator, and sure enough, the familiar sound of Miranda's steps on the stairs.

Jack opened her eyes and frowned up at her. She still wore the stupid uniform, but the logo was gone. And with it something else, too.

There was nothing haughty about Miranda anymore.

There was nothing fake about Miranda anymore.

Jack instinctively wanted to tell her to fuck off.

And found she couldn't.

"What?" she asked tersely.

"I came to say goodbye. Shepard is planning on turning herself in to the Alliance, and I'm not keen on being arrested."

Miranda approached Jack, stood in front of her, then slowly lowered herself until their eyes were level.

This is all your own fault, Jack wanted to say.

"What do you expect me to say?" was all she managed.

"Nothing. I... I would apologise if I thought it would change anything..."

"It wasn't you," Jack admitted in a low voice. Then she added quickly: "Besides, I don't care."

"You did at some point. Nevermind. Just one more thing, then I'll be gone."

"Fine, what is it?"

She should have pulled away, or at least bitten her, bruised her lips. Instead, it was all trembling sweetness, just lips on lips at first, then tongue tips meeting, caressing, exploring one another with excruciating tenderness. Miranda's fingertips were stroking her neck ever so gently and Jack was absolutely lost.

"You were never a mistake."

Then she stood up, turned around and was gone.