Russian Fairy Tales with Ivan Braginski 4
A Note from the Narrator:
Privyet readers! Today's story is a little different then the last three I think. For one thing, it is a bit longer, and also I really like this one. Which is why I worked extra hard to get all the nations in it to comply!
So this story has four roles to fill. I have Denmark as the rich man, Sweden as the poor man, and Finland as his wife. I think Sweden will actually help this time though since Finland convinced him... Finland and I get along fairly well, enough that he would play a role in this story, da? And as for the title character of Misery, I decided to pick the most miserable nation I know! After all, loneliness makes one miserable da?
I suppose that's all. I hope you like this story as much as I do!
OXOXOX
Misery
In a certain village there lived two peasants, blood brothers-
"N' we 'ren't."
"Sure we are! All us Nordics are bros, and I'm your big brother!"
"Sh't up D'nma'k."
"Talk normal!"
"... no."
"Keep going Russ!"
... I'm regretting this casting already. But Estonia is still partially dead from yesterday and Litva is still helping Poland with farm work so I make due, da? Anyway, of these brothers, one was rich and the other was poor. And please don't argue on this, it is a fairy tale, you are playing roles, da?
"Yeah! I get to be the rich one!"
"F'ne w'th me."
"Hey no arguing Sweed, it... wait, why are you okay with that?"
Who knows, da? Anyway, the rich one went to live in town, built himself a big house, and joined the merchant's guild, but the poor one often had not even a piece of bread in his house and his little child sometimes wept and begged for something to eat.
"Wh't? Seal'nd?"
"Hey! If I can't have food, recognise me as a country!"
"... m'be wh'n yer older."
"Yes! I'm gonna be the strongest country ever!"
"... s're y'u will."
Ah, I didn't invite you Sealand. I told Latvia to play the child today, da?
"Yeah I know, but he told me he was busy, so I'm filling in! That way you'll be sure to see me as a country, right?"
Nyet, never.
"What? But... but that's..."
Anyway-
"NO! Why can't I be a country?"
Because you're not even land, you're a piece of metal off the coast of England, da?
"RACIST!"
"J'st i'nore h'm, Seal'nd."
Whatever, da? Anyway, from morning till night this peasant struggled like a fish against ice, but he could never earn a thing.
One day he said to his wife: "I 'ill go t' t'wn 'n as'... as' m' broth'r fer h'lp."
"I'm not his wife!"
You might as well be though, da?
"I'm not a girl!"
But you're small and cute like a girl, da?
"... I'm still not-"
It is a fairy tale! Why will no one appreciate that? You said you would play the part, da?
"You said I would be the peasant!"
You are a peasant... just a female one! Latvia didn't complain about playing a girl. Anyway, the poor man came to the rich man and said:
"..."
"Come on ,beg me Sweed!"
"... ah, m' own br'th'r, h'lp me a li'l in m' m's'ry; m' w'fe 'n child are w'thou' bread, th'y go hung'y fer days on end."
"Work in my house for a week and I'll help you!"
"... st'pid st'ry."
What could the poor man do? He set to work, swept the yard, curried the horses, carried the water, and chopped the wood. He- Denmark, the poor man didn't do that.
"I wanted a Swedish massage!"
"... st'pid D'nmark..."
Um... well it doesn't really matter. Anyway, at the end of the week the rich brother gave him one loaf of bread.
"Here! This is for your work!"
"... ass."
Ah, but the poor man is supposed to be... grateful... er... alright fine.
"HA! But tomorrow is my name day, so bring your cute wife with you tomorrow and feast with me!"
"... f'ck y'u."
Nyet, Sweden!
"I'm n't go'n."
But... but you have to go! It's how the story goes, da?
"I'm n't a Bal'ic, y'u can't scare me unl'ss-"
Well you leave me no choice.
"LEAVE M'W'FE ALONE!"
Oh I have no intention of harming Finland, da? But I DO happen to have pictures of what you did with Denmark at Prussia's last birthday party that he might find of interest...
"Y'u w'n't."
I would.
"... f'ne I'll go."
"Awesome! You have pictures of that, Russ? I want copies!"
Nyet, but if Sweden refuses to play his role then maybe you can have a few...
"Sweet."
"... f'ck b'th o' y'u."
The poor man returned home, gave the loaf of bread to his wife and told her that they had been invited to a feast.
"A feast? Who has invited you?" asked the wife. "I'm not his wife..."
"M' br'th'r. T'morrow 's his n'me day."
"Very well, we shall go."
You are a very good actor Finland! So cute!
"St'p h'ttin' on m' w'fe."
"I-I'm not your wife! But... please stop Russia, it's a little creepy..."
Oh but-! ... Fine. The next morning they rose and went to the town. They came to their rich brother's house, congratulated him, and sat down on a bench. Many prominent guests were already seated at the tabvle. They host served them all abundantly, but he forgot even to think of his poor brother and sister-in-law-
"I forget about them? But they're my cute little siblings!"
Da, you do, go back to drinking.
"Will do!"
"St'pid party."
So the rich brother did not offer them anything, they just sat and watched the others eat and drink. The dinner was over, the guests began to rise and thank the host. The poor man too rose, bowed to the ground before his brother-
"YEAH! Bow to me Sweed!"
"N't on yer l'fe."
Pictures?
"Pictures? What pictures?"
"... f'ck. N'thin' F'nl'nd."
"Er... if you're sure... y-you're actually bowing to him?"
"Damn right he is!"
"... h'ate y'u."
The guests then went home, drunken and marry, noisy and singing songs. The poor man, however, when home with an empty stomach. He said to his wife,
"L'ts sing a song too."
"Eh? You blockhead! The others are singing because they ate savoury dishes and drank their full! What gives you the idea of singing?"
"... I-I'm n't a bl'ckh'd..."
"I-I'm just acting Su-san..."
"...oh. R'ght. Well, af'er all, I've be'n a' m' br'th'r's feast an' I'm ash'med t' walk w'thou' singing. If I sing, ev'ryone'll think I had a good t'me too."
"Well, singing if you must, but I won't."
The peasant began singing a... singing... huh, Sweden is actually very good singer, da?
"And... and he's not mumbling- oh he stopped!"
"Keep tell'n the st'ry."
Ah, da. So the peasant began singing and heard two voices! The peasant turned to his wife.
"W's it y'u who accomp'nied me w'th a thin voice?"
"I wouldn't think of singing a note!"
"Th'n who was it?"
"I don't know, but sing again, I will listen."
He sang again and although he alone sang, two voices could be heard. And... ouch, the other voice sings horribly...
"BLOODY HELL, NO I DON'T!"
"You have England playing Misery?"
He is miserable, da?
"No I'm not you wanker! It just happens to rain a lot where I live, that doesn't mean I'm miserable!"
Then why do you always cry when you're drunk? Also your brothers are mean to you and you're all alone on your island... though if you became one with Russia...
"No one wants to become one with you, blooming tart..."
Hmph. Well you're Misery in this story.
"What story is this anyway? Absolutely ridiculous..."
It is a Russian fairy tale!
"... a faerie tale you say? ... Fine, I'll play Misery for you, but only to appease the Russian faeries since I doubt you're doing very well at that."
I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you'll play your part I have no problem, da? Anyway, upon hearing both voices, the poor man stopped.
"M'sery? Is that y'u who is singing w'th me?"
"Yes, yes it's me, I'm singing with you."
"W'll M'sery, l'ts w'lk t'geth'r."
"We shall master, I will never desert you now."
Hmm, England is a decent actor too, da? You and Finland are much better at this than my Baltics, da?
"Obviously I'm a good actor; I've performed Shakespeare for centuries for god's sake!"
Anyway, the peasant came home, and Misery told him to go to the tavern with him. The peasant answered: "I've no m'ney."
"What do you need money for? I see you have a sheepskin, but of what use is it? Summer will be here soon, and you will not wear it anyhow! Let us go to the tavern and sell the sheepskin!"
The peasant and Misery went to the tavern and drank away the sheepskin. Oh...
"AMERICA! WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE YOU UNGRATEFUL IDIOT? BAKA BAKA BAKA!"
"... Does he kn'w he's spe'kin Jap'nese?"
Um... let's speed up time, da? On the following day-
"Ow, my head... I can't remember... what happened last night?"
"I d'n't th'nk there WAS a l'st n'ght... wh't did..."
I sped up time, because I'm the narrator, da?
"... b't th't's n't p'ssible..."
"It's a faerie tale, so... well it's possible that..."
"Wh't?"
I don't know what you're talking about England, but let's continue the story day? So on the following day, Misery began to moan that his head ached from drinking and he called upon his master to drink some wine.
"I've no m'ney."
"What- ow my head... er, what do we need money for? Take your sledge and cart, those will do!"
There was nothing to be done, the peasant could not rid himself of Misery. He took his sledge and cart, dragged them to the tavern and drank them away with his companion. The following morning-
"Ow, ow, ow, can't I get a little time to enjoy being drunk before we skip to the hangover?"
You only complain about that pig America when drunk anyway. So, the next morning Misery moaned more than before and called upon his master to go drinking again. The peasant drank away his harrow and plough. Before a month had gone by he had squandered everything, even pawning his hut to a neighbour and taking the money to the tavern.
"AMEEEERRRRIIIICAAA!"
"... E'gl'nd, p't yer p'nts b'ck on..."
Sweden isn't drunk yet?
"D'n't g't dr'nk easy."
Hmm... anyway, still Misery pressed him,
"Come 'hic' on! Let's go to the pub!"
"M'sery, do as y'u like, there's n'thing m're to sell."
"Wrong old bean! Your wife has two outfits, leave her one and drink the other away!"
The peasant took one dress and drank it away thinking that now he was cleaned out, with neither a house nor home and nothing left to either him or his wife.
"I-I'm s'rry F'nl'nd..."
"Su-san, it's just a story, I-I'm know you would never do this in real life."
The next morning Misery awoke, saw that his master had nothing left to be taken away and said, "Listen 'hic' listen to me wanker! Get your neighbour to lend his cart and oxen!"
The peasant then went to his neighbour and said: "N'rway?"
"Hmm?"
"... g've me yer c'rt 'n a pair of ox'n fer a sh'rt t'me. I'll w'rk a week t' pay y'u fer t' h're o' th'm."
"... what do you need them for?"
"... T' go t' the woods fer s'me logs."
"... don't overload the cart."
He then brought the pair of oxen, sat with Misery on the cart and drove into the open field.
Then Misery said, "Master, do you know the big stone in this field?"
"O'course I kn'w it."
"Then go straight to it."
They came to the stone, stopped, and climbed down from the cart. Misery ordered the peasant to lift the stone. The peasant lifted it with Misery's... well I doubt England could help you lift a rock so I'm sure you'll manage fine, da? Anyway, under it they saw a ditch filled to the brim with gold.
"Well why do you stare?" Misery huffed, :Hurry up and get it in the cart!"
"Is... is th's fa'ry g'ld?"
"Yes, which is why we need to hurry up, get it, and then bring it back when the story is over before we get them angry! Hurry up!"
"... 'kay."
The peasant set top work and filled the cart with gold. He took everything out of the ditch, down to the last ruble. When he saw that nothing was left, he said, "H've a look M'sery, is there any m'ney left?" Misery leaned over the ditch.
"Where? I can't bloody see anything!"
"B't it's sh'ning there in the c'rner."
"No, I don't see it."
"Cr'wl into the d'tch to see it."
So Misery crawled inside and no sooner had he crawled in that the peasant covered him with the stone!
"What? I didn't know that was going to happen! It's not in this bloody script!"
I like surprises, da?
"WANKER!"
"I th'nk you get out l'ter."
"Well... Hurry then!"
The peasant said, "Th't way will be be'ter. Fer if I t'ke y'u w'th me, M'sery, y'u w'll dr'nk away all th's fort'ne, even tho' it'll t'ke a long t'me."
The peasant came home, stored the money in his cellar, took the oxen back to his neighbour and began to consider how to establish himself in society. He bought wood, built a large wood house for himself and his wife and child and lived twice as richly as his brother.
"Th't's wh't m'w'fe deserves."
"Th-thank you Su-san. Even if it is just a story that's... that's very sweet of you to say..."
"Yay! I claim the biggest bedroom because I'm going to need it when I'm a fully fledged country!"
"... the m'ster b'droom's ours, Seal'nd. Yers is the n'xt largest tho',"
"Aww... well that's okay I guess..."
"W-wait, did you say we're sharing a bedroom?"
After some time, a long time or a short time, the peasant turned rich man went to town to invite his brother to his name day feast.
"Phht, a poor man like you is celebrating his name day? You have nothing to eat!"
"Tru' at one t'me I h'd n'thing, but now I am no w'rse off th'n y'u. Come 'n see."
The next day the rich brother came and saw that the once wretched man now had a large wooden house, new and lofty, such as not every merchant has! The peasant gave him a royal feast, fed him with all kinds of viands, and set various meads and wines before him.
The rich brother asked, "Hey! Tell me how you became so wealthy Sweed!"
The peasant told him how miserable Miser had attached himself to him, how he had left him to drink away all his possessions, down to the last thread, till nothing was left but the soul in his body, how Misery had shown him the treasure in the open field, how he had then taken the treasure and got rid of Misery.
So the rich man said, "I'll go to that field, let Misery out and let him ruin my brother completely, so he won't dare boast his riches to me! HEH!" He rushed to the field, drove to the big stone and turned it to one side. Before he could bed his head to see what was beneath it, Misery jumped out and sat on his shoulders.
"AH! Y-you're heavy for a little island guy!"
"Shut up you wanker, there was a little dwarf in that hole with the worst case of gas I've ever seen a faerie have! I'm not going back down there! I'll never leave you now! MWAH HA HA HA HA!"
"Er, England? Are you feeling okay? Um... listen Misery! In truth it was not me who imprisoned you, it was my bro Sweed and I came to free you!"
"No way wanker, you're lying and I won't let you cheat me again!"
"Yeah, something's wrong with England, Russ!"
Well... he might've really gotten into his part... method actors, da? Anyway, Misery sat securely on the rich man's shoulders and the rich man carried him home. From early morning Miser called on the merchant to drink and much of his wealth went to the tavern keeper. The merchant soon that it was high time he separated himself from Misery, but the question was how?
"Is he like, really, really drunk or something? Are dwarf fumes intoxicating? What gives?"
"TALLEY-HO! ROO ALOO!"
"Roo aloo? And... what the hell, are you wearing a dress or something?"
The merchant went out into his courtyard, cleft two oaken spikes, took a new wheel and drove a spike into the hollow shaft that went through the hub of the wheel. He came to Misery.
"Yo, England, come to the courtyard and play hide and seek."
"YOU'LL NEVER FIND BRITANNIA ANGEL!"
"... yeah, I'm thinking dwarf fumes make you high."
So Misery delighted in the idea and they went to the yard. Mirst the merchant hid and Misery found him at once. Then it was Misery's turn to hide.
"You won't find me, you bloody tart! I can fit into any hole, no matter the size!"
"No way, you can't even get into that wheel, forget the hole."
"I CAN SO YOU WANKER!"
Misery crawled into the hollow shaft-
"Holy shit, did he just shrink himself? Damn, England can use magic after all!"
Not as well as some though, da? Hmm... oh, but he crawled into the hollow shaft. The merchant drove another oaken spike into the other end, picked up the wheel and cast it and Misery into the river, where Misery would drown and the merchant lived again as of old! Now-
"What? Russ, even I'm not sick enough to throw England into a river while he's high. Seriously."
Well, I expect his fairy friends to have save him by now anyway, look for yourself. Just open the shaft like this and... see? No England.
"What? But... how..."
Ah... da, I think England will be fine. Did we all enjoy this story?
"W'll... I m'de a n'ce house so... s're."
"Yeah, my new room is great, there's a world map with me labelled on it!"
"I told Su-san you'd like that."
"Phht, well I guess it wasn't that bad, I didn't totally mess myself up, and I had Sweed work for me and even bow to me, and then serve me a feast!"
"... st'll h'te y'u."
And... oh look, England came back!
"WANKER! Good luck getting my help with your stupid faerie tales again!"
Hmm... well we'll see, da? Anyway, that is another tale finished, are you sure I can't spend time with your cute wife? W-wait a second... is that... w-what is that scratching...
"Did you say... 'wife', big brother?"
B-B-B-B-Belarus...
"You mean we can finally get married married married married married married married..."
AAAAAIIIIIIIII! NYET NYET NYET! GO AWAAAAAY!
"... h' r'ns f'st."
"Yes, he does run fast, Su-san."
((Don't worry, Belarus won't catch him. Anyway, I'm done this story and I can almost assure you that England will help again in the future. Also, I'm letting you know now that, although you can expect these one shot stories for a while, I have the idea for a bit of a plot that will creep in between stories a while later... so... yeah! Have a nice day!))