A/N: Thank you to YaoiISMyDrug.23 and StarkidSherlockSlytherin for reviewing my chapters! I love reviews and knowing your opinions on my story. Well here is another chapter, Hope you enjoy warning in this chapter for self-harm and self-esteem issues. If you don't like theses I will put an indicator to show you where.

Lunch was a whole different story. When I entered the cafeteria I saw all my friends at our regular table but Dean was there. I couldn't bring myself to go sit with them, I would say something wrong and it may cause more damage. No matter how much I was hurting, I couldn't make things worse for Dean. I grabbed my lunch and walked to the other side of the cafeteria and sat by myself. I hated sitting by myself, it made me feel like I had no one by my side.

"Cas, why aren't you sitting with us?" Dean's question broke me from my thoughts. He sat across from me at the table and stared in my eyes.

"I can't, we need to talk and I don't want to say something stupid. I can't do this in front of our friends because you're not ready to come out and I respect that. So I'm sitting over here," I mumbled. He honestly looked really confused.

"The change rooms, what you said really hurt. I know you don't want to be outed so you had to say no to dating me, but did you have to sound so repulsed? I thought we were best friends, but you can't even stand up for me, you just let Crowley stand there and call me a fag. Do you understand how much that kills me? How much I hate myself every time I hear that word? For a while there I didn't want to live anymore, but YOU were the only thing holding me back." I rambled. God that came out so wrong, but I've needed to say this.

"God, really this I couldn't do anything else Cas, I'm not ready for people to know I'm bisexual. Besides he doesn't actually know you're gay, it's just him trying to get on your nerves. Don't be so over dramatic. Shit, if I knew you were this whiny," Dean trailed off.

"If you knew I was whiny what? This is exactly what I was afraid of. We got together and now everything has changed. I'm not being over dramatic those words really hurt. Never mind, I … just forget it," I trailed; I was done with this conversation here. If I tried to keep going I may burst into tears and I was so not doing that in the cafeteria.

"NO! You started this, you're saying that things change but that's only if you want them to. Now you can call me when you grow a pair and not let words I say in panic hurt you," Dean whispered angrily. I was too shocked to do anything and I felt the tears starting to pool in my eyes. I can't believe Dean would say that, I may have been overreacting but he was still supposed to be my best friend and boyfriend. I just nodded and he walked away. I ran out of the cafeteria holding back my tears. I had just made it to the empty boy's washroom when the damn broke and I collapsed into a heap on the floor, sobbing my eyes out. I knew that Dean didn't mean anything that he had said, but still the emotional abuse I went through every day was starting to get to me. I just didn't know what to do anymore.

**Self Harm In This Next Part**

When I stopped crying, I dried my eyes and continued on with my day. The rest of the day muddled by, I was running on used energy and I couldn't wait to get home and collapse. When the day did end, I walked home; I didn't want to ride with Dean in his car after what happened at lunch. When I got home it like something clicked into place and I couldn't help it I started crying again. I was home alone; I ran up to my room and collapsed onto my bed, the day finally catching up with me. My sobs racked my body, wetting my pillow with tears, I don't know why Dean's words hurt me so much but they did and it felt like they were crushing my body. I needed release. I went to my dresser and pulled out my pocket knife. I held the blade to my wrist and mad a cut. After the first one it was like the addiction took over my body, many more joined that one. They weren't deep; I wasn't looking to kill myself. Blood dripped down my arm and I instantly felt better, but guilty at the same time. I went to the washroom, washed off my arm, put antiseptic on and bandaged them. I walked to my mirror and looked at the multiple scars on my wrists; they were covered in pale scars. Looking at myself, I felt sick and wrong. Why would anyone want to date someone as fucked up as me, it was inevitable something was going to happen to Dean and I, this was entirely my fault. It made the pain that much worse, knowing that I'm the one who screwed up. I know Dean was right, I overreacted but for some reason I couldn't apologize. I hated myself for doing this to Dean and I but I wasn't ready to give myself over and trust that this was really going to last.

**No More For This Chapter**

Since no one was home I decided to blast music and start cleaning. I put my iPod on the dock and when the first song came on I had to stop and laugh, this was exactly how I felt.

You come to me with scars on your wrist; you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

I just came to say goodbye, didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone, look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere you want me to be, the last night you'll spend alone, ill wrap you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything, you need me to be.

I went to the kitchen and started cooking myself dinner. A few songs later another part really stuck out to me and I just didn't know why, but my music was really speaking to me tonight.

You gotta keep this coming,

Tell me like you know it,

But you don't know nothing, your call

We can settle this like gentlemen,

Or meet me at the back to end it all inside again.

My whole life's been waiting,

Ever since I can remember

Been anxious awaiting your fall,

And God let it be a long while

Can't let go of my life till I know you're done.

It was exactly how I felt about Crowley; I hated him so much for doing this to me, making me hate myself so much. Just on a few words, I had found my song. I was now dancing all around my kitchen and eating the food I had made. I totally lost track of time, so when the knock at the door came and I looked at the clock I was surprised to see that it was already six. Who would be coming by now? No one usually came to my house. When I opened the door, I was completely surprised. There was Dean, standing at my door, waiting for me to say something.

"Umm… Hi," I stammered.

"Cas, can I come in, we need to talk?" I knew it; he was going to break up with me. He had thought it over and was fed up with me. I tried to mask the immense pain going through my heart but it was hard.

"Yeah s-sure come to my room," I replied. I turned around and walked up the stairs, I was so nervous, I didn't know what he was going to say and it was scaring me. I sat on my bed and Dean leaned against my closed door.

"Okay… so what did you want to say at lunch?" Dean asked calmly.

"Umm… I just. Never mind, it's stupid," I replied.

"No, you had something to say. We can't do this unless we are completely honest with each other."

"Well I don't know Dean… I guess I'm sorry that I was whining about what happened in the locker rooms. At the same time what you said really hurt. I don't think you understand. I hate myself, he makes me hate myself. I can't stand who I am, and I really don't want to be here anymore. Anything would be better than that school. The sad thing is he is 100 percent right about everything he says. I'm scared Dean, we both can't come out but if Crowley continues, I'm just going to come out and deal with the physical abuse ill no doubt get." I noticed I was rambling. Dean looks understanding and scared at the same time.

"Okay, well if what I said hurt you, I am truly sorry. I do love you Cas, I was scared and I panicked, about lunch I was stressed and I just got mad. I know I can't fully understand what your feeling but Cas I love you and please if anything gets to hard come talk to me first. I'll always be here, and even if we broke up I'd still be here as your best friend. It would be awkward but I would make it work. I promise I'll try and get him to stop. If you feel like it's time to come out then I will support you but Cas please, please understand that I'm not ready," Dean pleaded. I was still hurting and had mixed emotions on everything but that was an amazing apology and I really did love the idiot.

"Dean, it's been 2 years and I just told you I was gay, I understand if you can't come out yet."

"That's a relief Cas! Though I am really sorry for today, anyways I got to get back home. Sam is still there, so I'll see you in the morning," Dean told me, getting up, kissing me and heading towards the door. Tonight had been way too emotional, so I crawled into bed and fell asleep instantaneously.

A/N: Well there you go another chapter hope you all liked it. Please leave any comments and reviews just so I know that you guys are in fact enjoying this story.

Songs were: The Last Night – Skillet and Better Off This Way – A Day To Remember.