Pip woke up at exactly the same time his air ran out.
"MMMPH!" his one eye shot open, and his arms flailed for the Colt Peacemaker on his bedside table, loaded with silver hollow points.
"Don't worry, it's just me." Alucard took the pillow off of Pip's face. "Good morning."
Pip took in great gulps of sweet air before gasping "What ze fuck?"
Alucard looked at him quizzically. "Good morning. It's something you say when someone wakes up."
"Why did you….what did….what is wrong with you?"
Alucard waved him off. "List is too long. Anyway, I hear you have designs on my fledgling."
"I…what?" Pip found that the mixture of fear, queasiness and uncertainty he felt hearkened back to his days as a teenager, when he met his girlfriend's father for the first time. The only difference was, Alucard was far more terrifying than anyone Pip had ever met, being a psychopath with superhuman powers. Pip wondered how the monster had bypassed the anti-vampire security system at the door.
Alucard crunched on something. "Crosses don't count if you make them out of a pair of stale baguettes and a nail. Why did you think that was a good idea?"
Pip hung his head in defeat. "You win this time, Vampire. What makes you think I am interested in your daught-fledgling?"
Alucard held his hands away from his chest. "She has enormous tits."
"That's…that sounds creepy, from you." and so does everything else you say, Pip thought.
"And also I can read minds. I can see what you dream, what you think about, what exists in your small mind. I can see everything you've ever thought about, or ever will, every time I look at you." Alucard took another bite of baguette.
"Wow." Pip said. "Doesn't that drive you crazy?"
Alucard chuckled. "You sound just like the little green potato monsters that live in my teeth and scream at me. Of course I'm not crazy! I just compartmentalize really well."
"Of course." Pip said. "Wait, is that a potted plant in the corner? Why is it on fire?"
"Little green potato monsters told me to." Alucard said. "Sorry about that. Anyway, I trust you understand that if you break my daugh-fledgling's heart, I'm going to rip off your dick and stick a knife in the wound and run it up and around your entire body so I can skin you alive and then cut a hole in the roof of your mouth and stick your dick right up into your brain and turn you inside out so you die of shock and blood loss while you're entirely conscious, do you understand me?"
Pip stared at him, open-mouthed, curling himself up into a protective ball. "No! God! No! Of course not! I would never! Please don't murder me!"
Alucard shrugged. "Good enough." he stood up and strolled over to the burning cactus-in-a-pot. "So far you seem adequate. However, I'll need you to pass a few tests before I'll allow you to act upon your intentions for my police girl." Alucard picked up the flaming, prickly plant.
"First test-catching ability and resistance to flame." Alucard tossed the flaming cactus at Pip.
"AAAAAAAAH!" Pip ducked, and the pyro-plant bounced off of the wall and onto his bed, where the sheets caught fire. Pip jumped out of bed, his braid afire, and hit his head at a great speed into the ceiling fan, knocking him out cold on the floor while the fire spread.
"I can see we will have a lot of work to do." Alucard mused.
-line break-
Seras scrambled for a bathrobe before answering the door to her humble basement room. "Walter? What is it? It's four in the afternoon-why did you get me up so early?"
"I apologize profusely, Miss Victoria, but this is the only time I'll have to speak with you privately. I realize that this is early for someone who sleeps during the day, but I must speak with you."
Seras nodded. "What is it?"
"As I'm sure you know, Sir Integral is a woman with-insecurities." Walter began. "I hate to point the finger, but she did have the regular influence of a sociopath with psychic powers from a formative age. I suppose she cannot be blamed for a lack of social nuance or understanding."
Seras blinked. "Walter, it's very early for me. Could you go over that again?"
"Integra grew up with Alucard around, so I think he messed up her brain." Walter sighed.
"Oh. I could have told you that." Seras replied. "I've been around Alucard for just a few months, and he's already making me insane. But what can I do about that?"
"You see, Sir Integral's cornucopia of mental health issues are primarily kept in check by a combination of alcohol and my guidance. I like to think it has more to do with the latter. However, there are some things I simply cannot counsel her on, for a variety of reasons: I am an old man, and she is a young woman, and there are….things that I cannot be the one to counsel her on."
Seras looked at Walter sideways. "Walter, do I have to give Sir Integra The Talk? because that is way, way out of my jurisdiction."
"No, no." Walter laughed. "We'll get around to telling her eventually. The thing is, Integra needs a friend her own age, and you're the only one I could find."
"But…she's…crazy." Seras said. "I mean, no offense, you did a good job teaching her to not bite people or anything, but she's crazier than a suitcase full of cats. And what would we talk about? Believe it or not, 'girl stuff' just isn't my forte. I was a cop, remember?"
"I understand that it will be difficult. Nothing worthwhile is easy. However, I came to the conclusion that some…aid may be necessary." Walter reached into his coat and withdrew an envelope. "This contains your new weekly salary. I trust the number of zeroes is satisfactory?"
Seras opened the envelope, then seized up and dropped it. "What do you want me to do again?"
Walter smiled, relieved. "Well, the first issue I'd like you to work on is Integra's most irrational insecurity, and the one that drove me to contact you. I'll explain…"
That Morning
"Walter?" Integral asked, crushing an expenses report into a ball, which joined the four foot tall pyramid next to her desk.
"Yes, Sir Integral?" Walter picked up another ball from the floor, flattened it out, and placed it on back on the pile on Integral's "In" box.
"You're old." Integral placed emphasis on you're, like it was the preface to another statement.
"Yes." Walter answered without fail.
"You've seen a lot of breasts, right?"
"I…" Walter squinted. "Um…I…suppose…I've seen…a…few?" He said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Integral got up from her chair, opening her unbuttoned dress shirt wide. "Would these be considered small?"
"…I…" Walter's face looked like it had given up trying to create new expressions to display its inner confusion and terror. "…I…have to…go…do…a thing. I'll…uh…" Walter fled downstairs.
-end flashback-
"And then I came down here with some money." Walter clasped his hands together. "Integra is a two-person job. Please, please, please help me. Just talk to her. About woman things. Take her shopping. Take her to a bar. Be her friend. Just try to make her less crazy. I can't do everything. Butlers aren't superheroes. Jeeves and Wooster lied to me. Just please, please, try.'
"Okay, fine." Seras interrupted. "I don't mind; maybe I'll get a chance to make a friend. I mean, I like talking to you about guns and different brands of tea and stuff, and talking to Pip is kind of fun as long as I stay far away enough that he can't pinch my bum while we're talking, but this could be a fun opportunity!"
"It would be better for your personal health if you thought of it as a chore." Walter stated. "A terrifying, necessary chore." He got up to leave. "If you'll excuse me, I must prepare Alucard's breakfast. The raccoons get harder to catch at night."
"Wait. I have a question." Seras said.
"Yes?"
"What…was my room before it was, y'know, my room? Because I think it was a dungeon."
Walter grimaced. "it was…a storage facility. For brooms. A broom closet, I suppose."
"Oh." Seras replied, a little surprised.
"But before that, it was a dungeon."
"Oh." Seras said again, pouting a little. "I wondered why there was a skull behind the television."
"I must again apologize on behalf of the cleaning crew for that." Walter said. "Now, if that's all…"
"I kind of feel…responsible for Integral, you know? I mean, her…inadequacy problem. The only female she has to compare herself to is me, and…" Seras gestured at her ample charms.
"I have to…goodbye." Walter got up and left.
-line break-
"Now…absorbency tests." Alucard seized Pip by the braid, and dunked the protesting Frenchman's head in the sink, holding the poor man under for almost a minute.
"Excuse me, Mr. Alucard? This is the kitchen, and you said you wouldn't drown anyth-" A maid, sweeping up, interrupted.
"I'm not drowning him, Moira. I'm testing his absorbency. You never know when my fledgling might need to use him as a sponge." Alucard explained matter of factly before yanking Pip from the sink. "But, it is now time to move on to the next evaluation. You are just a perfect little timekeeper. Walter should watch out; you're on your way up!" Alucard shook a finger at her, then bundled Pip under his arm and wandered outside.
"I think I just peed myself." The kitchen boy said.
"Shut up and peel the goddamn potatoes."
Outside, Alucard dropped Pip unceremoniously on a picnic table in the garden.
"Are…are we done yet, Monsieur Alucard? Because I think the only reason I haven't shit myself out of fear today is because even my ass is afraid of you. We've established that you could kill me without breaking a sweat. What else needs to be-" Pip was suddenly interrupted by a pair of clamps in a private area.
"No. Now, it's time for me to test you for Electrical conductivity, so I can make sure that you're not a robot in disguise." Alucard hooked up the other clamps to a car battery.
Suddenly, they heard the sound of Integra hugging a dead animal (it's a sort of-squishing, crunching sound) from the animal ghetto and breeding ground for disease that Walter laughably called "The Garden." She was playing with what was, this time, a dead raccoon. "Oh, mister raccoon. You gave me rabies, but I forgive you. Those doctors put a needle the size of a fucking harpoon in my ass! See if I ever get bit by a raccoon again. Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, silly you! Of course if I died, I'd let your family gnaw on my corpse! That's what friends do." Integra giggled.
"Zees is your fault." Pip said. "I'm pretty sure that she's like that because of you."
"Is it my fault everyone else can't see the leprechauns?" Alucard replied. "Integra pretends she can't hear the leprechauns who tell me to burn things, so I thought it would be neat if she would just do that by herself."
"You scare me shitless. Have I said that already?" Pip said.
"Mister raccoon-wait, are you a mister?" Integra checked. "Yep. Definitely. Okay, Do female raccoons have tits? Do they worry about how large they are? Do the female raccoons with small tits not get boyfriends in high school and end up fiddling with paperwork and getting tormented by vampires in their twenties? A bloo blah bloo." Integra started crying into her dead raccoon, which was a horrible thing to witness. Seriously, think about it. Horrible, isn't it?
"Hey! Sir Integra!" Seras, with some hesitation, entered the "Garden." "Hey, uh, Sir Integra? Wow, you really are mixing your medications and alcohol. That is a smelly raccoon. I, uh, just rented this movie, and it's in French, and I heard you know French so I thought it would be cool if we watched it together."
Integra pointed at Seras's chest. "AAAH! The boob monster! Sacre Bleu! it's coming to get me!" Integra skittered up a tree, like a squirrel. "It's coming to get me!"
"Alright, you know what?" Seras said. "Fuck this. I'm done. I'm done for the day. Today is my day off." She noticed Alucard and Pip. "HEY!"
Pip perked up.
Seras strided over, yelling at Alucard. "Master, what are you doing! Were you going to electrocute Pip!"
"Yes." Alucard said, a little guiltily. "Right in the huevos."
"Well, stop it right now! Why would you do that!"
"Because I'm insanely protective." he replied.
"No, you're not! You don't care about me! Yesterday, you dragged my coffin out of my room to use as a drink table! You didn't use a coaster! You put blood in all of my stuff, so that I would 'get used to the stuff.' Master, you baked me a cake with a dead rat in it. You're just crazy, and want an excuse to beat up Pip!" Seras called out her Master, angrily poking him in the chest.
"That's not true! Why else would I put a camera in your bathroom, if not because I care about your security?"
"Because you-" Seras stopped. "You did WHAT!"
Alucard thought for a second. "Leprechauns made me do it."
"Come on, Pip." Seras pried Pip's parts free from the alligator clips, and dragged him off by the hand. "I rented this goddamn stupid French movie, and I'm going to see it with someone who understands French whether they like it or not."
"Aaah." Alucard sighed as soon as they were gone. "It's nice to see a young couple, on their way to becoming just that. I just love it when a plan comes together."
"You said it!" a tinny voice squeaked from a three foot tall man in green next to Alucard. "Now, you know what would really hit the spot? A burning limo, driven into a post office."
"It's like you read my mind, little man!" Alucard exclaimed.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't own Hellsing, Jeeves and Wooster, or leprechauns until further notice. First of all: INTEGRA IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. ALCOHOL IS NOT A CURE FOR ANY MENTAL DISEASE, AND SHOULD NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH. Anyway, you guys are great. Your reviews are like a breeze during a hot, muggy summer, and you people are making this my top viewed story ever!
Coming up with a dynamic for interaction between Pip and Alucard was difficult, as they never actually interact in the series. They appear in maybe one scene together, but never look at each other or exchange words. The same with Pip and Walter, and Pip and Integra. I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't Seras' imaginary friend...
Damn, should have written that.
I have tons more ideas, and it's good stay-inside-and-write weather, so I'll see all of you soon!
Tune in next time, when Pip and Seras go on a date, Alucard and Walter do some reminiscing, and Seras and Integra do a little bonding.
And, fine, Alucard lights something on fire too.