Dear Dannyl,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat. I think I realised it last year when you peed your pants under a street light and I saw you carve your initials into my illegitimate child in Sachaka. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and you should get that embarrassing rash checked out.
You make me sick,
Tayend.