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A Very Shinra Christmas

Chapter 4: o.O I think everybody's drunk

Brought to you by,

T. Rocket and Bleu at 3AM Eastern Standard Time

Back at the party

Sephiroth is holding a half-empty pan of brownies, still wearing the Santa hat and matching trench coat. Aeris is crying in a corner

Aeris- *sobbing* He stole my brownies!

Rufus brings her a drink

Rufus- Cheer up toots.

Aeris- *sniffles* Thanks Rufus *Downs drink in one gulp*

***

Sometime later

The tray is empty. The punch bowl is dry. Sephiroth is sitting in a circle of other people, who are all undoubtedly either drunk or stoned. Sephiroth has an arm slug around Hojo's corpse's shoulder and is ranting senslessly.

Sephiroth- This is my daddy! I LOVE my daddy! You know what he got me for Christmas? Nuthin! The Bastard! He's so ugly! Look at him! How'd I end up so pretty? *Sephiroth pulls Chocobo boxers out of present pile and puts them on his own head* WHEE!!

Vincent walks by, Sephiroth giggles and PANTS' Vincent!

Sephiroth- *giggles* NO PANTS MAN!!

Vincent- *twitch* I feel soThe garments that have bound me to my sins arefinally gone *flings off the rest of his clothing* FREEDOM!!!

Vincent runs off, Fangirls scream

FG- NAKIE TIME!!

Vincent dashes past Reeve

Reeve- Nice assasshole...*sees little black kitty next to him* Where's the ugly-ass moogle?

Cait- Out of batteriesReevey, wanna fuck? Ya know you want somma' this *Poses*

Reeve- Asshole! *grabs Cait and flings him through the nearest window. Cait drops 57 floors to the ground*

***

After 18 or so drinksAeris is drunk off her ass.

Aeris- I wanna start a WAR, Rufie!

Rufus- Yeah, and I've got a purple helmeted soldier who wants to get drafted

Aeris- YAY!

Rufus- Yeah! He's standing at attention in Dad's office. Wanna meet him?

Aeris- JOY!

Rufus picks up Aeris and hightails it for the elevator. Yuffie and Scarlet are chatting as Rufus runs by with Aeris.

Scarlet- Where are they going?

Yuffie- Probably to fuck somewhere.

Scarlet- Really?

Yuffie- Yeahhey, Sephy gave me some bondage gear. Wanna try it out?

Scarlet- Sure.

Yuffie- Utility closet!

They dash off to the back room, throw open the door to the randomly place utility closet, and.find Cloud and Barret in a compromising position.

Cloud- HELP! Barret, let me go! NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo!

Barret- Ooh! Playing hard to get, are we? Well that turns me ON!

Cloud- HEY! NoNoNo! Don't put your hands there!

Barret- Ooh! So soft! And I'm not talking about the teddy

Cloud- Get OFF, you pervert!

Barret- OH CLOUD!

Cloud- NoNoNo! Not THAT way! YUFFIE! SCARLET! HELP!!!!

Yuffie- Are we interrupting something?

Scarlet- I think we are

Cloud- No! Don't leave me with--!

Barret- OOH! You shave your legs!

SLAM!

Yuffie- creepy

Scarlet- What now?

Yuffie- Well there's a table right over there

Scarlet- Okay.

***

Elena- I'm hungry

Reno- Fuckin' munchies

Rude- Wasn't there a Simbad's Salads place down the road?

Tseng- You mean the one with the cheap-ass Aladdin mural on the side?

Rude- Yeah.

Elena- Let's go jack the Simbad Salad's!

Tseng- To the Batmobile!

Rude- @_@ Don't you mean the Chevy?

Reno- Mother Fucking cheap-ass tabouli and humus for all!

***

Back at the party

Cloud escapes the clutches of the big black burly bisexual man with only mental scars! He is talking with Tifa, who is wearing Vincent's discarded clothing.

Tifa- Hey Cloud! If you hit on Sephy, I'll sleep with ya!

Cloud- okay! *trots over to Sephiroth*

Sephiroth- What the hell do you want?!

Cloud sits in Sephiroth's lap and looks at the Masamune. He wraps an arm around Sephiroth's waist.

Cloud- Sephyis that your sword, or are you just happy to see me?

Sephiroth- *semi-pissed* *knocks Cloud off, grabs him by his throat and shoves him against a wall* Why you spikey-headed—

Barret sneaks up from behind and pulls a Double Bundy Kuri Kuri on Sephiroth.

Sephiroth- erk

Barret- Kuri Kuri! Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY! Get your hands out of my—

Barret- Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- COLD! G-gun arm! Cold! Call him off you spikey-assed--!

Barret- Kuri Kuri!

Sephiroth- Call him off! CALL HIM OFF!

Tifa- *cheering from sidelines* Go Cloud!

Cloud- Barret, if you let him go I'll sleep with you.

Barret- OK! *relinquishes Sephiroth's balls with a big grin*

Tifa skips over, giggling

Tifa- Ok, Cloud! *smiles mischieviously* Lets go

Cloud- yeah! *to Barret* umwait here. We'll go get the car

Cloud whispers to Tifa and they race out of the room

Barret- *waving* I'll be waiting!!

Poor Sephy sneaks away into the night, never to be seen againor at least until the next fic

***

In another room

The Juggies weep and mourn over the Don's death.

Juggie 1- Oh Don! Why'd you have to go off and DIE?!

Juggie 2- Oh Donny boy! Why? WHY?!

Juggie 3- He wasn't all that good in bedI don't really miss him

The other two glare at Juggie 3.

Juggie 3- What?

Juggies 1+2- DIE! *They suffocate Juggie 3 with their ENORMOUS breasts*

Red XIII pads in.

Red XIII- oh, I

Juggie 1- Oh! Its SO cute!

Juggie 2- KAWAII!

Both hug Red XIII.

Red XIII- Sodo you ladies believe in bestiality?

Juggies exchange glances.

Juggies 1+2- We do now!

***

Reeve walks in to find Cid lying on the floor, thoroughly engaged in reading the book of Kamasutra in the lobby.

Reeve- hey, asshole...seen my blow up doll?

Cid- Fuck no*goes back to the book* oh yeah

Reeve- Why the hell are you pulling a Bundy? *looks at book* Can I look too?

Cid- Fuck no! MY damn book!

Reeve- Scoot over, asshole *pushes Cid over*

Cid- Fine, ya bastard! But just remember, wash your hands whenever you turn the page!

***

Cloud locks the motel room door.

Cloud- He'll never find us here, Tifa

Tifa- I'm so glad we ditched Barret back at the ShinRa HQ!

Back at ShinRa HQ.

Barret- They ditched me

Cloud- yeah!

Tifa- Hey Cloud, wait here while I slip into something a little morecomfortable *Tifa strolls into the bathroom*

Cloud- Ne~!

When Tifa emerges, she doesn't look likeherself. BUT poor, poor Cloud, being drunk off his ass, doesn't notice.

Cloud- He~y Tifa

Tifa?- Hey Cloud

Tifa's voice is surprisingly low and she's gotten a lot taller, wider, and darker

Cloud- Tifa! HeheYou're looking soooooo HOT!

Tifa?- Oh Cloud

Muffled grunts are eminating from the bathroom (Tifa- mmpm mm mmammph!). As they start going at it, the muffled sounds become more and more audible.

Cloud- heyIs it just me or did your chest get harrier?

Tifa(Barret)- o-no, it's just you

Muffled noises get louder

Cloud- HeyWhere's your other hand?

Tifa(Barret)- oh!I-its th-there!

Cloud- Then what's that cold thing there?

Tifa(Barret)-D-dildo?

Cloud- oooooo KIN-ky

Finally, Cloud notices the muffled but distinctive high-pitched protests coming from the bathroom.

Cloud- HeyDo you hear that?

Tifa(Barret)- umNature calls Cloud! I'll be right back!

Cloud- *shouting from bed* What did nature call you again?

Barret, who is dressed as Tifa (mur), enters the bathroom where Tifa, the REAL Tifa, is bound and gagged in the cheap hotel shower/bath.

Tifa- mmpmmmpmmmmmm!

Barret turns on the shower tap

Tifa- *screams through the gag*

Cloud- *shouting from bed* Tifa! Why's the shower running?

Tifa(Barret)- I can't piss!

Tifa(Barret) walks back into the bedroom.

Cloud- Tifa! You left the water running! OhI know! I'll turn it off for you Snookie-Pookie-Kins!

Tifa(Barret)- N-NO! NOOOOO!

Cloud barges into the bathroom and sees Tifa, who at the current moment has the mentality of a wet cat.

Cloud- Tifa? Who's this?

Tifa(Barret)- uhBarret?

Tifa- mmmphmmmmmmphmmm!!

Cloud has a sudden realization

Cloud- HeyBarret! What are you doing here?! We ditched you at ShinRa HQ!I mean I know I said I'd sleep with you, but I wasn't being SERIOUS about it! I mean, I'd NEVER sleep with a guy

Mystery Chick 1 and 2 leisurely stroll in from no apparent entrance. Mystery Chick 1 is wearing an afro wig and Mystery Chick 2 is carrying a bowl of hot soup.

MC1-well maybe Sephiroth!

MC2- Yeah! He's so hot! I bet Cloud would totally fu—

Cloud smacks his hand over Mystery Chick 2's mouth. The sudden violent movement, unfortunately, caused her to spill the soup she was carryingon his crotch. Mystery Chick 1 and Barret wince at Cloud's misfortune.

Cloud- AHHH! *fills with rage*

Suddenly, Cid kicks down the door, the Kamasutra under his arm, Reeve standing behind him.

Cid- A T-BAGGIN' DAMSEL IN DISTRESS! Need some help Cloud?

Reeve- asshole.

Cloud- *fuming*

Cid- Goddamn mother fucking, big floppy moogle cock sucker, ass cock fucking reverse ended, penis face bitchin asshole, whore slangin', ball lickin', shit faced, mother fucking, dick head, Chocobo spoogin', Tifa tits, piss pants Pussy!

Several moments of uncomfortable silence pass.

Cid- *walking away with Reeve* HeyI think I saw a Chocobo in the main lobby

Mystery Chick 1 and 2 leave through the front door.

Cloud- Hey, Barret! Nice tits!

Tifa- mmmphmmmmmmphmmm!

Tifa(Barret)- Hey Cloud, weren't we doing somthin'?

Cloud- YeahLets get back to foolin' around!

***

The Turks are sitting in a ShinRa Motor Vehicles company car in front of the Sinbad Salads

Tseng- Everybody ready?

Elena- *nods*

Rude- *nods*

Reno- Fuck. *nods*

Tseng- *deadpan serious voice* Okay everyone.

.put on your socks.

All pull socks onto their heads, except for Elena, who uses pantyhose.

Tseng- All right, lets go.

All get out of the car, except for Reno, who falls out face-first onto the pavement.

Reno- FUCK! Why is it so fucking dark! Weren't there streetlights at this fucking place! Why the FUCK can't I see!?!

Rude- You forgot your eye-holes

Reno- *pulls the sock off of his head*fucking amazing.

Tseng kicks open the glass door of the small business and Rude and himself enter.

Elena- *runs in dramatically* NOBODY MOVE!! This is a stick-up!!

Rude-*stares at Elena*

Elena-what? *looks at burly Turkish storeowner behind counter* OHMYGOD! It's a MOOSE!

Reno stumbles in.

Reno- HAHAHA! FUCK! *grabs Tseng and holds his sock menacingly at his throat* Nobody fucking move! Give us all the fucking tabouli and humus you've got or the FUCKING lady gets it!!

Tseng-That's a sock.

Reno- NO its not! It's a fucking GUN! A big fucking menacing gun!

StoreOwner- No, You stupid Turks! *pulls out a shotgun from beneath the counter* THIS is a big fucking menacing gun!

Elena- A Moose with a.oh MYoh my GOD *orgasmic* It's soooo bigand longand HARD!

Reno- *while Elena is stroking/fondling the shotgun* How the FUCK did you know we were Turks! We're fucking wearing mother fucking socks! We're Fuckin' INVISIBLE!

Tseng-your sock*looks down at Reno's sock, still at his throat*has white stuff on it.

StoreOwner- You parked your company car outside, dumb-asses!

Elena- *Orgasmic, now stroking gun with both hands, RAPIDLY* OH GOD! OH GOD!

The Storeowner freaks out at Elena's display and fires the gun.

Elena- *frazzled, one leg of the pantyhose is smoldering* WowMoosey, Mooseygod that was great

Rude + Tseng- WowShe really handles it well

Reno- GeezWhen it fucking blows a load it REALLY fucking blows a load

Tseng- *escapes from Reno's grasp and approaches counter* If we give you some weed can we have our tabouli and humus?

StoreOwner- fine.

The Storeowner sets the shotgun on the counter and gives them the "goods". As the Turks drive off in their company car, the gun is mysteriously missing from the counter and Elena's pantyhose are still on fire. Suddenly, they burst into flames

Elena- HeyIs it hot in here or is it just me?

Rude- *staring at pantyhose* ElenaYour head's on fire.

Elena- OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! BAD MOOSE! BAD MOOSE! BAD MOOSE!!!

Tseng, thinking "quickly", swerves the car into the Drive-Thru of the Sinbad Salads restaurant and Elena rips the flaming pantyhose from her head and throws them through the Drive Thru window.

Newbie at window- *while flipping through porn magazine, Ecchi Pop* Welcome to Sinbad's Salads, may I take your--*Elena's pantyhose land on his head* AHH!! The humus is on fire! AHHHHHH!

The Sinbad Salads proceed to burn down and while doing so, ignites a gas main that turns the entire "nameless" town *coughnibelheimcough* into a fiery inferno. The Turks look on as they speed away

Elena- Pretty Firewarkwark wark

Reno- fuck

T: XD wow. The count really went up

Bleu: ^^ Hold up tallys

How many times the word "FUCK" was said: 29 1/2

Total: 68.5