A/N. This story is meant to be for the people who suffer from depression and feel that their depression is rooted in nothing, but at the same time everything. In this story, I want to show that depression can stem from seemingly nothing, but at the same time, seemingly everything.

7-7-15

What's new Amethyst? Nothing, that's what. You're a camera. Hell's wrong with me?

Anywayy... Pops said something really profound to me the other day. I suppose he could tell the whole Margaret and CJ was bringing me down. But what he said, it was just so... pure, so real, that I felt I could apply it to my life as a whole and not just this relationship bumpkis. He said:

"Mordecai, inside every being, there are two puppies. Both of them want to be your best friend for the rest of your life! However, one puppy is good, the other is evil. How do we know which one will be successful in becoming your lifelong furry companion? It's quite simple old boy, it's the one that you feed."

I knew Pops could be a little wacky at times but... wow. This still blows me away. It makes me think... all those years ago, when I became depressed on the inside, before my diagnosis, before I knew it was depression, when I mistook it for maturing... did I... feed the wrong puppy? It's like he said. Two puppies want to be your companion. One is good and one is evil. The one I feed becomes my companion. I can't help but think... did I feed the evil puppy?

Sigh. Enough of that.

I regret what I said to Margaret. I could have been so much nicer about it. I called her, saying that I apologized for how rude I was, but that I still needed my space. She accepted my apology and told me she'd keep her distance. Though she didn't seem that happy to hear from me. Oh well.

In other news, Benson and Rigby have been kinda shitty to me lately. Yesterday I was on break, drinking a soda in front of the snack bar. There was still 5 minutes left in my break when Benson drove up in his cart. He literally yelled at me, "Mordecai, you useless waste of air, if you're not behind that snack bar counter in 10 seconds, you're FIRED!" I was taken aback by how angry he was. I wasn't even doing anything wrong. I told Rigby about it and he shrugged me off, saying that Benson is always angry. This however wasn't just anger... it was, like, malice. Benson's an angry guy, sure, but it's not like he's incapable of showing compassion. I wouldn't call him a malice person, but... damn.

As for Rigby, he's been blowing me off lately. He's been ditching all of our plans the past few days to hang out with Eileen. He's probably been getting lucky, but still. Not only that, but he's also ditching half the workday to go make googly eyes at her at the Coffee Shop, leaving me to pick up his work. Not that Benson has decided to give me extra cash for extra work, which he's kind of legally obliged to do. This morning I asked Rigby if he wanted to see Jurassic World tonight. He said no, and that he was already going to see it with Eileen. On his way into the bathroom, he told me I need to stop clinging to him so much. Which through me off balance. Since when am I clingy? We're best friends, we always hang out. I know I left him hanging at times when I was dating CJ but I never accused him of being clingy- even though he was.

Ugh. Whatever. I let it go. Figured it wasn't worth arguing over.

I also got a letter from CJ the other day. Apparently she was in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina when she sent it. It was dated a week before it was delivered. It read:

Dear Mordecai

I don't know how long I'm gonna be traveling this country. I don't even know if I'll stay in my country. I've adopted this new mantra, "Get Lost, Find Yourself". It's given me the strength to make this journey. I don't know where I'll end up, but I know I'm not coming back to Twin Peaks. I don't think we should get back together. Don't wait up for me. Good luck Mordecai. I'll always remember you.

-Cloudy Jay

P.S. Sorry for leaving without notice. I felt it would be easier this way

I'm not gonna lie. I cried, I really did. If I was heartbroken already, I'm even more heartbroken now. I've really lost her forever this time...

Not everyone in my social ring thought I was good with CJ. Not everyone thought I was good with Margaret. What all my friends thought didn't matter. I was happy with CJ, and whether they respected that or not, it's the truth. I was the happiest guy this side of the Mississippi with CJ. But that's all over now. I guess all I can do now is get used to the fact that I won't see her again and just... live, I guess. Day by day.

Sigh, or try to, at least.