Thank you for the reviews. I was surprised. I didn't think the previous chapter would be anywhere near funny! Alright, here's the Fourth Chapter.
By the way, please don't sue.
The Masyaf Metalheads: Part 4
11:15 A.M.
"Darim, please, eat your food!" Maria begged as she tried to feed her son some vegetable soup. "No!" was the child's reply. Maria sighed "Why won't you eat your food, Darim?" "Because Assassins eat meat! Look at Father! He can climb up walls and uh, jump fwom very high beeldings, and…" Maria sighed and put the soup aside. "The burdens of motherhood!" said the woman behind Maria "Looking at your son, I suddenly remember my own! His name's Abdul; 10 years ago he was doing nothing but jump all around the house trying to imitate his father. I still remember when he broke his legs imitating a leap of faith!" The woman then laughed heartily. Maria smiled, thinking about the fact that that was what Darim was doing; imitating his father. Soon, after the woman finished laughing, she asked Maria "By the way, what is YOUR husband doing right now?" Maria's smile faded into a look that said "Oh, no! I almost forgot!"
Meanwhile, at the gardens, Altair had Malik round up several other Assassins. Rauf and newcomers Baltasar, Ashur, and Sargon. "I have them, Altair." Malik said "4 assassins, just four." "Four is enough, brother." Altair replied, before continuing "Men, do you know why you are here?" All four shook their heads, before Baltasar raised his hand "Is it an assassination mission?" Altair shook his head. Then Ashur raised his hand and asked "Is it an investigation mission?" "No, none of those. Today is a very special day, brothers. Today I have decided that I will share what I have learned from the Artifact." Altair said, holding the Apple. All 3 recruits let out a collective "Ooh…" before Altair tucked away the Apple "However, I will only do this ONCE. Now, I want you four to round up ALL Assassins in and around Masyaf. Rauf, you take charge of this operation." "Yes, Altair. Alright, recruits! Hood up and roll out!" And then they were gone. Altair's master plan was now in motion…
7 hours later, the Castle's courtyard was full of Assassins. Altair and Malik looked down from the window behind the Grand Master's desk, seeing not only the Assassins, but their wives too. Eventually, Malik asked him "Altair, what do you plan on doing?" "I will turn this castle into a mosh pit, my brother. Don't worry; everything is going according to plan." Altair grinned maniacally. Still confused, Malik asked again "What on Earth is a "mosh pit", Altair?" Before Altair could reply, Rauf said "Altair, the Greek fire you ordered is ready." "Good," Altair said Palpatine-style "it's showtime, people!"
The three went out of the gates. After a few moments panning his view on the now-silenced crowd, Altair tied the Apple on a really long stick and drove it to the ground. The Apple began to glow again, creating an illusion that replaced the view of Masyaf's courtyard into the spitting image of New York's Madison Square Garden. The people were amazed to see this, but the illusion didn't stop there. The pole transformed itself into a microphone, while Malik and Rauf suddenly found themselves holding a shiny wood-metal construct that resembled a lute with six strings. As for Baltasar, he got a similar-looking contraption, but it had a longer neck and had only four strings; it also produced a deeper sound. Ashur found himself seated behind several drums made out of a material he hadn't seen before, with weird bass discs on top of them. He was holding two sticks in each hand. Sargon then had weird black box standing before him "A keyboard?" he asked himself, trying to pronounce the difficult name.
It wasn't just their surroundings that changed; their outfits too. The moment everyone blinked, what they were wearing was immediately changed! Altair had gone from his signature white hoodie to something more akin to Alex Mercer's clothes in Prototype, Malik was now in a black trenchcoat and white polo undershirt, Rauf is now a grey-jacketed chav wearing shemaugh, Baltasar and Ashur found themselves wearing faux leather jackets, while Sargon was wearing similar clothes to Dima Mayakovsky from Battlefield 3. "Wait a minute," Malik said "I only have one arm! How am I supposed to play this shiny-lute thingy?" "Are you sure?" Altair asked. Suddenly, Malik could feel another arm moving! "AWWW YEEAHH!"
Then, the song started; trumpet-like noises blaring and all. Everyone looked to Sargon, who seems to know the tune, but whose face says otherwise. Then Ashur started beating the drums, before Malik, Rauf and Baltasar started playing their instruments. It went on for a good 32 seconds. At last, Altair started to sing…
"We're leaving together, but still it's farewell! Maybe we'll come back to Earth, who can tell? I guess there was no-one to blame. We're leaving ground! (Leaving ground!) Will things ever be the same again?" The other 5 couldn't believe it, Altair can sing like that? And that was just before the song's title drop.
"It's the Final Countdown!"
Back at the diner, Maria and Darim could hear the noises and see the pillars of fire emitting from the stronghold. 'God, he's using the Apple again…' Maria thought. Sighing with exasperation, Maria grabbed Darim's hand and said "Darim, we're going back. RIGHT. NOW." Darim shook his head "No! I'm not done with my dinner, mother! Just one last bite, pleeaaase?" Darim begged "No, we're going home!" Maria said. But Darim's other hand was still on the the table. Looks like the Englishwoman was going to have to pry Darim's other hand away from the shawarma-porridge combo. Like father, like son…
Two songs later…
"Burning in my brain, I can feel no paaaiiin…" yup, Altair is now singing Ride the Lightning. By now, the entire order was moshing around in the castle courtyard, drinking booze, headbanging, smoking hashish. The whole shebang. Soon, the epic guitar riff came, which was when Altair ordered the Greek fire to go full power; burning the atmosphere whilst illuminating the stronghold. The combined jumping of 300 Assassins shook the earth beneath, creating a sensation that equaled to a really weak earthquake.
The song finally ended, Altair never felt more alive. He looked back at his five companions, who were enjoying every minute with the glee of a child playing tag. He turned his attention back to the Audience and asked "Do you guys want to see me do the Bohemian Rhapsody?" The crowd went wild when the Grand Master asked them this. Altair snapped his finger, making the band play Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". Outside, Maria and Darim were already making their way to the castle, where they found the gates opened. Once they got inside, they were faced with a mobstacle course with people of all ages blocking their way to Altair. "Excuse me; pardon me! Mother and child coming through…" That went on until they were both in the front row. Altair hadn't noticed this, and was STILL singing this (along with Malik) "Thunderbolt & Lightning very, very frightening me!" And then Rauf and Baltasar supplied the rest "Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro-magnifico!" Maria began to look for a suitable object to snap Altair out of this trance. 'Ah, this pan would do!' she thought. And proceeded to take her position behind the band whilst ordering Darim to stay at his father's desk.
Altair: "I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me!"
Malik: "He's just a poor boy from a poor family! (Holds up picture of Robert de Sable) Spare him his life from this monstrosity!"
Altair: "Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?"
Rauf, Baltasar, Ashur, and Sargon: "Bismillah! We will not let you go" Altair: "Let me go!" (Repeats for three times)
RaBalAshuSar: "Will not let you go!" Altair: "Let me go!" (Repeats for two times)
Everyone: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
Seeing this as the opportune time to strike, Maria let out a really loud "Ahem!" hereby revealing herself to the six. It was the perfect "Oh Crap" face in the history of humanity. Everyone was silent, until Malik sang
"It's Maria! Oh Maria!" Before Altair got grabbed by the neckline, following Malik's lead by singing "My Maria let me go! The crowd won't like what you're about to do to me…to mee…TO MEEEEEEE!"
In short, the Masyaf Metalheads' first concert ended with the lead singer's disgruntled wife beating him with a rusted iron pan, the lead guitarist doing an air guitar with one hand, and their secondary guitarist, bassist, drummer, and keyboardist awkwardly standing there while the audience throws them what would essentially be their dinner for the next two weeks. But there seems to be something missing…
Oh yeah, the Apple got detached from the stick in the ensuing chaos and rolled towards little Darim…
Looks like little Darim will find out why his father has been ignoring him for the past two days…Anyway, thanks for the reviews. I appreciate it. By the way, this is NOT a songfic. All the songs used here are used for comedic purposes ONLY. Do. Not. Sue. This is JGT-298, and the huge clusterf*** that you've read was The Masyaf Metalheads.
Napakaraming Salamat Po Sa Inyong Lahat! Greetings from the Philippines!