Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. However, I do own this fanfic.
Credits for the idea of this fic go to mangarox14, for the awesome Dear 59 kun.
A very big thank you to all those who reviewed: NarratoreMelon, thelonelyrose and thebluebird, XShagayaku, orangesky3, AsphodelWinter, Angelic Tears - Fear the Fire and RealityBitez
The next chapter will be answered by Bel, so leave letters for him but pretend it's for Fran.
Oh, and I activated the vulgarity filter (: I don't know why it wasn't activated to begin with…
Please sit back, relax and enjoy this fanfic! Don't forget to leave your comments and reviews after reading! No flames please.
Chapter Four: Heroic Gay Lords
"Ah, let go of me, idiotic senpai!" The fake prince started throttling the pathetic frog who could do nothing but dangle limply.
"No way!" He started to list Fran's wrongdoings furiously. "Froggy ruined the Prince's royal blog-"
"I'd thought you and your nonexistent brain would have forgotten about that by now." Fran replied easily, as if he wasn't slowly being choked to his death. "Good job, stupid senpai."
That statement was followed by a brutal stab. "-and made the stupid shark chase the Prince around for HOURS…"
"That's your fault, fake prince senpai." Fran's thoughtful words were ignored again.
"The worst thing was that when the genius Prince finally caught you hiding behind ugly Levi's flowers, you just said-"
"Brainless senpai."
"Exactly," Bel paused for a moment before realising his mistake. "Shut up, Froggy!"
Fran held back a retort, since he was quickly running out of air to reply. He'd better preserve his air if he wanted to survive through this ordeal. It wasn't very likely though, with the crazed expression on his senpai's face… He meant even more crazed expression. The fake prince was already maniacal enough on good days.
Fran closed his eyes and considered his dying place. It wasn't very good. The mansion was half-toppling over due to Squalo's new renovations, Levi's dramatic cries still echoing around and Lussuria's…
Where was the Gay Lord anyway?
… Probably peeping in Xanxus's room since the stupid boss had pulled in Squalo a few minutes ago, leaving the insane prince free to catch Fran. And slash away the disturbing blue pineapples still loitering around the mansion. Specifically near bathroom windows.
Why was Fran even thinking of pineapples when he was about to die? It would be so sad to imagine his master before he met with the light. He could imagine better things. Like about Bel-senpai forcing the frog hat on him. Hmm, that wasn't very happy. Then how about Lussuria forcing a pink apron on him?
… He had burnt the apron after that. About the moaning at night? Hell no. About being forced to run laps? Fran had spent days in bed after that… About Levi stealing his toilet paper since his ran out? Oh dear, Levi might be stealing it now!
Now that he thought about it, he never really had good memories. He blamed everyone else for making his life miserable and pineapple-and-fake-prince-filled. Fran wondered if his senpai could let him go for a short while, just to hire an orchestra, so he could die dramatically.
"Ushishishi, the stupid long-haired commander can go find a new Mist Guardian after the Prince done with torturing the Froggy." The fake prince was now about to kill the person he loved the most, according to some letter Fran got anyway.
"Bel-chan~" Saved by the Gay Lord.
Wait, what?
"What?" Bel didn't seem very happy as his grip relaxed a little. "The Prince is busy."
"We've run out of tissue AND toilet paper~ Levi-chan seems so-o upset by his 50th rejection!~" Lussuria then squealed out the sentence that saved Fran's life. "And it's your turn to buy the groceries, Bel-chan~"
Fran could practically see the little squiggles behind Lussuria's sentences. Or maybe his eyes were just going haywire due to the lack of oxygen. He was, after all, still seeing blue pineapples dance the samba outside the living room window. Did that tiny one just trip? In mid-air?
"Che," Bel clicked his tongue, letting Fran go. "The Prince will be back for Froggy later."
The Gay Lord was officially now Fran's hero… Or heroine?
"The Froggy won't be waiting," Fran massaged his throat, still managing to earn another knife.
His senpai was so generous.
"Mou~ I still have to comfort poor Levi~ Bel-chan, please get the things on the list~" Lussuria handed Bel a long list of items that mostly included Lussuria's frilly clothes.
"Hell no," Fran's senpai spat out, not even laughing his irritating laugh once. "The Prince won't deign himself to do un-Princely purchases of gay items."
He would still have to buy the clothing no matter what he says though. Any person who skips out on his chores gets shot by Xanxus, and no one particularly wanted to be the target board of the irritable boss after seeing Squalo fall down with a weak yell.
It was the only time they had heard such a soft scream. And frankly, Fran found it rather disturbing.
Thankfully, the long list of things for Bel to buy bought Fran a couple of hours to live. The fact that Belphegor would take one hour to muster his courage to walk into the underwear shop helped too.
"Bossu~ Why?" Levi's pitiful moans could be heard loudly.
"Mou~ I'll go comfort Levi now!" The Gay Lord squealed happily and skipped out of the room.
Fran immediately pitied Levi, having to go through his 50th heartbreak AND Lussuria's molesting hidden behind the lie of 'comforting'. More than that, Fran pitied himself, having to hear both moans from Squalo and Levi's dramatic sobbing that night.
"AHHH! DON'T COME CLOSER!" Levi's frightened cries echoed almost as loudly as his wailing.
Lussuria must have found his prey.
Deciding to distract himself from disturbing mental images and dancing pineapples, Fran shifted a huge pile of shiny knives and plucked out his laptop. Time to check his popular advice column again!
Dear 26-sama, Strange things have been happening recently, and I think I'm either going to Just a few days ago, a baby with an afro hairstyle crash-landed into my house! Also, I believe I am having chronic hallucinations. I keep hearing someone PLEASE TELL ME I"M NOT GOING CRAZY. T-Thank you for reading this. ~51 P.S If you have a remedy for stomach-aches, could you share them with me?
go mad or die of constant nervous breakdowns and stomach aches!
And what happened next was so bizarre I can hardly stand to think of it! But I
think he is related to the Mafia!
shouting something that sounds like "VOOOII".
Wasn't that the red-headed Vongola Ally? Who helped them defeat that marshmallow-loving pedo? If Fran read the whole thing carefully, there were signs that '51' was from ten years in the past. Hmm. Things were getting more interesting…
Even more so than the blue pineapples that were starting to sing some song that sounded suspiciously like his master's laugh.
Dear Red Headed Kid,
If you're kind, to me at least, keep that kid away from a computer and get him a Japanese teacher. If not, just throw him away. He'll survive somehow.
Squalo's yell can be heard across countries? Wow, a new record. I thought he could only be heard throughout the whole country.
You're not going crazy. The people around you are. I find blaming everyone else works most of the time.
And since you posted on my advice column, I have no choice but to read this, right? But you're welcome anyway, since you're so much better and more polite than the rest of the world. And the people around me. -cough- Bel-senpai -cough-
26-sama
P.S. Get someone to stab you. The pain from the stabbing keeps your mind from thinking about stomach aches. Of course, you'll want to find a cure for excessive bleeding by then.
P.P.S. When you meet the durian-haired paedophile, keep him away from small kids.
Fran couldn't give hints about the future, right? Too bad. He could have scared that red head into wetting his pants. That would be terribly fun.
Dear Frog How dare you tell on the Prince! When he finds you he will punish you good, Prince the Ripper, Belphegor-sama
just you wait! Ushishishi, the many punishments I have for you in my mind! Ah,
I bet your blood is tasty...
Ah, the idiot has decided to pollute Fran's lovely advice column.
Dear Fake Prince Senpai,
The stupid long-haired commander would have found out anyway, stupid-senpai. So the innocent me just told the truth… and quickened your punishment.
Frog blood won't be tasty. Shoo shoo, keep away from my blood. It'll give you indigestion.
By the way, are you typing this while hiding outside the Gay Lord's favourite underwear and cosplay shop again, retarded senpai? You aren't allowed to procrastinate, you know. Wait until I tell the idiotic boss~
26-sama
P.S. I thought your laptop and your phone were swimming in Levi's toilet bowl. How did you manage to come online anyway?
Fran suppressed a shiver. The pineapples were starting to strip dance outside the window. Something Fran had thought impossible. That is, until he met his master. Nothing was impossible with his pineapple-haired master.
Dear I KNOW Frack is not a swear word, The only reason I did not use the word ** is because I don't like being vulgar ...Your conceit knows no limits, does it? Nufufufu...at least pineapples taste FYI...I am the one who mind-raped your master. NUHAHAHAHA. So, no, those -Guess Who-
as some people are.
nice and are liked by many. Nufufu.
pineapples were NOT by him, nufufufufufu.
That person sounded a whole lot like a dead pineapple Fran knew. If that person could still type or mind rape his Master… then the world would be overrun by evil pineapple devils led by the most pineapple-y one of all, his pineapple-possessed master!
Dear Old Pineapple,
Good to know. My ears are polluted enough by the stupid Sharkey.
Are you sure pineapples are liked? Or are people just majorly brainwashed into eating that perverted fruit? I'm sure there's some kind of aphrodisiac in every single one of those disturbing fruits. Or zombie liquid.
No, I'm quite sure my Master is the lord of mind raping. You are long dead. Stay that way and the whole world won't have to suffer from the stupid laughter of two pineapples dancing the samba together.
26-sama
P.S. Stop trying to take credit for the stripping pineapples. I saw the tag that said 'Property of the Pineapple Mukuro' pasted on every single one of them. Maybe Chrome tried to be helpful.
Fran sneaked another peek at the blue tropical fruits. If they kept stripping layers off, there would be nothing left. Which would be much appreciated by Fran. Wait… They weren't outside the window…
They were in front of him, dripping pineapple juice and still dancing the samba. Singing some perverted 'Kufufu no fu' song. Fran gulped and inched further away. He'd take his insane senpai over haywire pineapples any day.
Dear Apprentice, No, it did not take five hours, kufufu. If I was as idiotic as you make of me, And if all you can think of pure coincidence is stalking, sex positions, And for the last time, Chrome was NOT brainwashed, forced, or tampered with in ~Your Master~ P.S. ...What pineapples? Oya oya, you must be hallucinating, because
then what would that make you, my apprentice? Kufufufu...
and brainwashing, wouldn't that mean you are fairly twisted as well?
any way. If you contradict that one more time, I will personally make sure
that you will get at least a month of good, hard training from me in person.
Kufufufufufu.
pineapples are NOT blue. Kufufu.
The pineapples were dancing closer. And closer. Where was Fran's trusty butcher knife when he needed it? Oh right, he just needed to create it.
Snapping his fingers, Fran gazed satisfyingly at the chopped up naked pineapples. Under their blue skin, they were actually of a normal yellow colour. So his Master's hair would be something like that too? Fran's mouth twisted into a barely visible evil smirk.
Focusing, he created dozens of cute cartoon frogs and sent them after his Master. How would the pineapple lord like a taste of his own medicine?
Dear Double Coloured Pineapple Haired Master,
So that took you 6 hours... I knew I overestimated you way too much!
That would make me… smarter than you? Don't worry, Master, apprentices always surpass their masters.
How would this poor apprentice not be twisted if he was kidnapped by a pineapple from young, kept being force fed brainwashing fruits, tossed into only the most insane squad in the world and kept being stabbed by fake princes? And usually, normal people would comfort the poor frog instead of trying to rape him…
So it's still your fault, Master. You and your holy Pineapple Hair.
I'm practically shivering from fear here, Master. Oh… It's because the window was opened by your mind raping pineapples. Why don't you focus on fighting off the undead and revived old pineapple instead? And leave this poor frog (who still believes Chrome was brainwashed) alone.
I intensely dislike your training. Go train the horny dog how to talk without spitting everywhere. He needs it. And if you're so free, get Chikusa a new computer.
26-sama
P.S. Assuming that you knew they would strip off their blue-ness, yeah, they're not blue.
P.P.S. Have you seen the adorable frogs?
Fran could see his Master getting attacked by his awesome frogs in his mind. Or maybe that was because one frog had a camera. Either way, he still enjoyed seeing his Master get a little flustered.
"LEVI-CHAN~ DON'T BE SO MEAN~" Were they still at it?
Dear ** Brat, VOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIII! IT'S NO THANKS TO YOU THAT I LOST SO MUCH HAIR, DAMNIT! VROOOOIIIIIII! WHERE THE ** ARE YOU BELPHE- oh **...Boss...OI! XAN- nnf! -39 trash- P.S. Shut. The. Hell. Up. Scum...
Fran nearly groaned as he shoved earplugs into his ears again. The moaning was going to start early this time. Maybe he could sleep outside.
Dear I'm Sure You're Going To Do It Now,
Try to tone it down a little, please? Some people are trying to sleep tonight.
26-sama
P.S. Boss, could you get Levi to shut up?
P.P.S. Bel-senpai is trying to get off his grocery shopping duties. Shoot him for me.
Oops, Fran just committed a crime. He told on his senpai again. But hopefully, Bel would die after his punishment so that Fran could live. That would be amazing. His senpai dying after going through the humiliation of buying a Sailor Moon cosplay outfit.
Dear Stupid Froggy 26-byon! Wh-Why would I want to use gum to 'woo' that stupid girl-byon? That's And who're you callin' horny blond dog, you stupid green haired frog-byon! And do you know how much I had to endure with the punishment that Mukuro-sama gave me? You better give me my goddamn snack-byon! P.S. I said, get rid of that stupid frog hat-byon! It's as stupid as the P.P.S. Your hair color is unnatural! Dye it-byon! -DogsAreAwesomeThanFrogs
d-disgusting-byon!
pineapple one!
Ah, so it was Ken's turn to take control of Chikusa's computer?
Dear Frogs Are More Awesome Than Dogs, Stupid Dog,
I can sense you blushing from all the way here. You just absolutely love to use your absolutely unhealthy snacks to woo Chrome, don't you? Hope she finds enough courage to turn you down, horny gorilla. Just don't come sulking to me after you confess.
Perverted. Blond. Pig.
It's your fault you decided to ask Master about his hair's similarities to pineapples and got hit with the said fruits after that. Besides, Chikusa already warned you.
26-sama
P.S. The postscripts come after you sign off, stupid Pineapple Lover.
P.P.S. I'll tell Master that you said his pineapple hat was stupid.
P.P.P.S. Your whole self is unnatural. Go commit suicide and come back as a proper person.
The dog was getting more and more annoying. Well, at least the fact that Ken was able to use the computer showed Fran that his cute little frogs were working in annoying his Master.
"AHH! GET. AWAY. BOSS, SAVE ME!" Levi's terrified cries sounded out, followed by a particularly loud moan from the idiotic Boss's direction.
Dear 26-whatever... Sigh...he already spoiled it with his disgusting spits. Now I have to buy a P.S. What were you and Mukuro-sama talking about anyway? Something perverted I NotaKakipii
new computer for myself. Seriously, sharing it with that dog and Mukuro-sama,
who seems to like sending letters to this blog, is madness.
suppose. Sigh...
Apparently, Ken had gone off in a fit after reading Fran's letter, Fran's spy frog told him. Hopefully, he went to kill himself.
Dear HAHA I Don't Have A Spoilt Computer,
As much as I pity you, Postscripts. Come. After. You. Sign. Off.
26-sama
P.S. Get Master to buy you a new one. It was his fault your computer became dirtied with spit AND pineapple juice.
P.P.S. Master is the perverted one, not me.
Apparently, the Kokuyo- or Pineapple- gang enjoyed spamming Fran's advice column. Fran was about to mentally complain when…
'Pineapple-sama is coming! Pineapple-sama is coming!' His spy frog squealed before being shredded to pieces.
Ah, Fran had annoyed his Master a little bit too much, it seems. And now, his Master was out for revenge. Why do people enjoy bullying Fran so much? First, it was Bel-senpai, then his Master.
Fran quickly set up frog spies all around the mansion, except for the part at Xanxus's room. He didn't really want to see what happened there. The spies could warn him when a furious pineapple came storming over.
26-chaaan~ Kyaa~ Is my little froggy-son being a good boy?~ Mou, why are you being so mean to Squa-chan and Bel-chan?~ The house is already noisy with Levi's annoying cry for papa~ -Luss-neechan~
How did the Gay Lord find his advice column anyway? Even while trying to sexually assault… What was that fellow's name again?
Dear Molester,
Froggy-chan is being a very good boy. Froggy-chan is being very kind to Squ-chan by not shoving Bel-senpai's tiara into his mouth and asking him to shut up. Froggy-chan is being extremely kind to Bel-chan by not telling on him to the boss. Oh wait, Froggy-chan already did.
By the way, the house is noisy because of your attempts to molest your 'child'.
26-sama
P.S. The key to Levi's bathroom is in Storeroom 64, along with all your porn.
Fran had stumbled across the eye-burning items when he was finding a place to hide from Bel-senpai. Again. Needless to say, he never went in or near there again.
Dear 26-san, It turned out I wasn't hallucinating or what about those wings and my eyes. My You misunderstand me. What I meant was that every time when I go to get Well, back to the point. The point is, why would Bel-san stab you if he didn't Go and think about this and I'll check back in on your answer later. Regards, 13
mother ran away screaming when one day I looked up at her and she saw my eyes.
Apparently, people around me are seeing wings too and according to my best
friend, "The angel wing glows pure white but there's this creepy evil aura
around the devil one." So I can safely assume that we're all mental or there's
something strange going on with me. Kindly tell me what I should do about
this. Please don't tell me to gouge my eyes or chop the wings or something
along those lines.
chocolate at the store I see the two of you. Again and again. (Fine, an old
white-haired Rapunzel came along once.)But this happened for at least 1 year 5
months 13 days 9 hours 6 minutes and 17 seconds. Don't worry, my counting
skills is good.
care about you? It actually shows that you mean something to him, even if on
the outside it looks like he just wants to kill you or something.
That person was the one who first got Fran wondering about his relationship with his senpai. That person, who obviously needed to check in at a mental hospital, had not taken Fran's smart advice and came back to post another letter that made him doubt himself. Again.
Dear WHY Didn't You Listen To Me When I Said You Were Mental,
Now you have to go around hallucinating about people around you running away and your fake best friend saying nonsense… I'm sure your mother loves you very much and won't run away from you. There, now listen to my advice and go to a mental hospital.
Ah, the chocolate store. Bel-senpai loves the frog chocolates with gooey strawberry stuff in it. He says it's like killing me over and over again. Wait, you were spying on him biting the heads off chocolate frogs and laughing at the 'blood' that dripped out?
If you're a true stalker, you can see that Bel-senpai purposely dragged me there to watch my chocolate selves' gruesome death over and over again. I didn't really enjoy chocolate very much after that.
Fran paused for a while, reading the sentence about the stupid long-haired commander going to the chocolate store. That was just plain freaky.
That store was pink and filled with hearts, frills and all that gay stuff. Lussuria enjoyed going there. Bel-senpai… Who knows what was going on in that empty head of his… But Fran had confirmed that only insane or gay people went to that store. Other than people like him, being dragged there instead of going willingly and all.
So… why would Squalo go to that store?
That old person should be a witch instead. Although I'm suspecting that he was buying a Valentines' gift for the stupid boss. (Must. Not. Laugh.)
No, I don't really need to think about this point. It's quite certain that fake and idiotic Prince hates me. He was about to choke me to death two hours ago. He stabs me because he is jealous of my supreme sexiness and better brain. If you have ever seen me, you should know what I mean. He even forced that frog hat on me to dim my radiance! Not that it worked. At all.
26-sama
'Pineapple-sama is coming! Pineapple-sama is coming!' An adorable cartoon frog squealed in Fran's ear, jumping up and down anxiously.
"Gulp." Fran replied in a monotone as he watched his precious frogs get sliced up by his Master's trident in the distance.
The Mist Guardian took in a deep breath. He could also see an angered Bel-senpai storm up the driveway. It had taken way too little time for him to buy everything. His senpai was growing a thicker skin and managed to buy the cosplay outfits so quickly!
But the end result of a steaming and embarrassed knife-happy senpai and a furious pineapple?
An extremely dead Fran.
He was now about to try to keep the life the Gay Lord had saved just now for as long as possible. He prepared dozens of illusion walls as he climbed out of the window. Again. Why did Fran get into these kinds of situations so often?
"ARGH~" Levi screamed as Lussuria opened his bathroom door.
- B26 - B26 - B26 -
iNikkix3's note: I was being rushed while writing this so I didn't really proofread this chapter and hurried to post it. This chapter is slightly longer though (4k words), since I won't be able to work during the weekend.
The next chapter will be full of Bel, since he would be the one replying all the advice-seekers. Please show your support for the Prince and the Frog by reviewing!
The average reviews for chapters so far: 7
So let's try to break out of that number by this chapter, okay? Please review!~