Tip 3: Clothes n' Class

Woah, woah, woah, buddy. Keep your pants on. That's what they'll always tell you. Keep your pants on! But, how are you supposed to keep your pants on, if you don't know what pants to keep on? Zebra-striped leggings? Rhinestone-encrusted rock star bell bottoms? Mickey Mouse pajama pants? Allow me to clarify.

Chicks dig skinny jeans. There's something about them that makes their gineys tickle, I think. It's because they hug your butt and girls like butts. I think. Yeah, they do. I learned that from Sir Mix-A-Lot, you know, that guy who's like I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, YOU OTHA BROTHAS CAN'T DENY THAT WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH A ITTY BITTY WAIST WITH A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET

SPRUNG!

And, you know the rest. Well, I hope so, because I don't.

Butts are popular among everyone. So, I highly suggest you get some skinny jeans that are TWO SIZES TOO SMALL. TWO SIZES! One is not enough and three is going to make you lose circulation in your balls and you'll definitely get cancer. And, well, who wants cancer in their balls.

One time, I got a pair of skinny jeans that were two sizes too small but the brand ran small anyway so I nearly lost my nuts. I had mad muffin top and I couldn't really walk without looking like someone stuck a small animal between my legs, which I really do not recommend doing. I also couldn't sit. My thunder thighs turned into like, lightning thighs because if they had ripped, there would have been quite the flash.

Haha, get it.

That day, I had to walk around in my gym shorts after PE and my legs are kinda hairy and that's actually a trait that I don't know whether or not girls find attractive.

I don't know. They keep me warm on cold, lonesome weekend nights.

Anyway, now that you have your two-sizes-too-small skinny jeans, it's time to put on a shirt. You can't really go wrong with a white T-shirt, except you can because when you spend a lot of your life eating fast food, it starts to show. I'd much rather eat a Big Mac than wear it. If you want a plain T-shirt, go black. It's sleek and sexy, kinda like a new iPad, you know what I mean?

Considering you go plain, it's always nice to spice it up a little, maybe with like, one of those gold chains that badass Italians wear. Bling bling, bitch. Or maybe like, some Colombian pride beads. Even if you're not Colombian.

However (that's a transition word I learned from my English teacher), dress shirts have been known to make ladies cream themselves. Something sorta tight to excen... exit... eccentric... accu... accentuate your muscle, assuming you have some. It's classy. Do it. You will get positive feedback. Maybe even roll up your sleeves and show off your pipes.

Some chicks call me fat but I know they don't mean it. I'm just beefy. I'm thick with love.

Anyhoo. You have pants on, and a shirt. And hopefully underwear but I shouldn't have to tell you that.

By the way, secret is, don't wear your pants low. Chicks think it looks stupid. The only business you have doing that is if your boxers are awesome, like, if they had dinosaurs or squids or pink elephants or rockets on them or something. Craig has rocket boxers. I watched him sleep in them once. And he looked like a man who was going places. Except he was sleeping. Had he been awake, he'd be going places.

Now we work on your shoes.

I am the heir of a mall shoestore. Do not doubt anything I am about to tell you.

Ladies tell a lot about a man by his shoes. If you wear, say, ratty black boots that you found at the end of a fishing pole in a swamp in July, she will think you are poor, and you probably are. They're probably stanky too, and squeaky like in that episode of Spongebob. Nothing about this is good.

If you have mediocre plain shoes, she'll find you fair. Not excellent, but fair. It's hard to get between the extremes, so let me tell you what the hell to wear.

Converse, Vans, Nikes. Anything with color, your babe will get on the floor and kiss your shoes. My cousin had a pair of Batman Converse and he never took them off. They were pretty stinky. Don't do that.

Converse just give off an aura of chillness, like you're the kind of guy that kicks around rocks while he walks and leans down to tie his shoes a lot. Or whatever it is you do will look cooler in those shoes.

Vans, namely checkered ones, have a skater vibe. They'll probably make you seem like you say "dude" a lot and play Guitar Hero. And you probably do.

Nikes are more sporty, you probably run in them a lot and play basketball and polish them nightly.

Take your pick. I don't recommend Keds or anything from like, K-Mart. Or Walmart. Or anything that isn't my dad's shoestore, located in the west JCPenney wing of the South Park mall, next to Lenscrafters. Shoes are on a buy two pairs, get one half-off sale. Socks are just $1.99 with a purchase of a ladies' handbag.