South Park
Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle!
Chapter 3: Evil, Thy name is Griffin
Disclaimer: South Park and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to Matt Stone & Trey Parker and Seth MacFarlane respectively.
TV-14-DLSV (Rated T on the site)
"Dialogue"
'Thoughts', Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks
(Kenny's lines)
"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."
The next day, it was time for the all important trial of South Park v. Peter Griffin. It was unbelievable to anyone that the events of Peter's shenanigans would actually end up in the courthouse.
Kyle was extremely nervous about how this would go down. He knew full well he was testifying against Peter, but he wasn't sure if he could go through with it because he wasn't really a mean person. He was just cranky and eager to fit in, that's all (though based on his attitude lately, that's highly debatable).
"Alright, bubby. Today's the big day." Sheila said to her nervous son. Kyle did not get much sleep the night before because he was nervous preparing his testimoney, both for and against Peter. "Are you nervous?"
"A little bit." Kyle responded, looking a bit pale and weary, but mostly because he was nervous and anxious at the same time. "I-I know I want to see him go to prison, but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it."
"Now Kyle, I know you've been through alot. Hell, you've been through more than most boys your age." Gerald explained. "But this man is a filthy pig! He violated you in so many ways, and you have a right as a citizen to testify against him. Don't be afraid, Kyle. We'll be there for you."
Kyle had a reassured smile on his face, as he did feel a little better after that. Though he was still uneasy as he and everybody else walked into the courtroom.
It took a little while for everyone to pile in. The courtroom was filled with hundreds and hundreds of witnesses from both sides. Everyone was anxious about how this trial would go down. Brian was sitting at his plantiff table. Finally, after about a half hour of piling in, Cartman and his mom were the last ones to come in. They, surprisingly, came in on the plantiff's side. He was going to testify against Peter instead of for him. Kyle was very surprised when Cartman came in on his side.
"What are you doing here, Cartman?" Kyle quickly asked. Since his ordeal, he was trying to be calmer, but he didn't want to put up with Cartman's crap today.
"What does it look like, Kyle? I'm here to testify."
"Peter's side is over there, though." Kyle pointed over to his left, to the defendant's side. Cartman was becoming upset at the lack of support from Kyle. Kyle believed Cartman was joking when in fact he wasn't.
"I'm not on Peter's side, Kyle! I swear!" Cartman wanted to convince Kyle he was rooting for him, but Kyle wasn't buying it.
"OH sure you're not." Kyle replied sarcastically, but not harshly. He wasn't about to take any crap from Cartman, but he really wanted to have all the support that he could.
"Look, Kyle, if you don't believe me, that's fine. But I'm telling the truth! After what my mom told me about him, I'd never want to testify for that fag!"
"Oh please, Cartman! You tried to defend him when all of our were against him. So now you expect me to believe you've suddenly had a change of heart? What kind of asshole do you take me for!? I mean, what could've possibly happened that would make you change your mind!?"
Kyle's question was answered almost immediately. The doors swung open and in popped Peter Griffin. OH wait, I'm so sorry. I'm mistaken. I meant, PATRICIA Griffin. That's right! Peter Griffin in his woman form came rushing in. He wore his dark blue dress and diamond earrings and made his way to Cartman. Kyle, along with everyone else including Cartman were mortified upon seeing Peter in that dress. "Hi everybody!" He said with a nasally female voice (like Roger from American Dad). He walked over towards Cartman. "And there's my little man!" He kissed Cartman on his forehead, which made him scream like a little girl.
"Get the hell away from me, you sicko!" Cartman yelled to Patricia.
"Oh come on. Don't be such a sour-puss, or I won't take you to Burger King later!" He giggled as he made his way to the defendant table. Kyle, out of everyone, was probably the most horrified at what he had just saw. Cartman just glaired angrily at Kyle, and crossed his arms. Kyle now felt ashamed for falsely yelling at Cartman.
"Oh wow, I-I guess you weren't lying after all, C-Cartman." He shrugged as he put the pieces together to apologize. "Wow, he-he really looks bad in that color." He tried to change the subject, but it didn't work.
"Kyle, what you just saw was no joke. No joke at all. So when I go up there to give my testimony, of course I'm going to go against him. But I'm also not going to say anything nice about you, Kyle." He scolded Kyle, forcing him to be taken back a bit by this. "After all, after that little display of yours, I don't think you deserve to have aynthing nice said about you from me. You know, you'd be a hell of a lot more fun without that pole up your butt."
"THANK YOU!" Was Stewie's response from the row behind them, which made Kyle glare at him in an awkward way.. "That's exactly what I was telling him the other day. After all, it's about as annoying and unpleasent as it was when we watched that banned Japanese Anime show!"
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to the Griffin family all sitting on the couch, watching TV. They are watching a Japanese Anime show that...unknown to them (with the exception of Stewie) was banned worldwide due to its known cause of seizures.
"We now return to Pokemon: DennÅ Senshi Porygon." The TV announcer said as the scene switched over to a bunch of fast-flashing lights. This went on for about a minute and a half. While it would seem boring to people in Canada or perhaps the Phillipeans, the Griffins found it most enjoyable (With the exception of Stewie, who was wearing blindfolds).
"Huh, this show isn't that bad. I don't understand why it was banned around the world." Lois commented. The fact of the matter was that the entire family with the exception of Stewie of course, did not know about that famous Pokemon episode that was banned worldwide, and they simply mistook it as an innocent episode that the network slaughtered.
"I know, right? I'm getting so into it! In fact, I'm getting queezy just thinking about it. Come to think of it," Peter felt his head, and it was booming inside. "I'm also getting really light headed." His eyes started dilating heavil, and his breathing was becoming harder and harder, as it sounded like he was now gasping for air a bit.
"Peter, are you OK?"
"Yeah, Lois. I'm-I'm fine. Just got a little headache, that's all."
"Yeah, me too." Lois agreed.
"You know, there's something strange about this show, and I just can't place my finger on it." Brian commented, trying to figure out what they were watching.
"A-A-And my eyes are getting really b-blurry." Peter's speech was now being slurred.
"M-Mine too."
"All those flashing lights-I-I know I've seen them from somewhere, but I just can't--"
"AAAAAAAHH!" Were the desperate and painful screams of first Peter, as he fell to the ground, eyes totally dilated, and now gasping hard for air, and then Lois, who in jut seconds, followed suit. Chris & Meg couldn't help but scream at what they saw.
"Oh my god! Mom! Dad!" Meg shouted.
"What's wrong with them!?" Chris asked, worried as hell.
"Don't worry, they're not dying!" Brian assured them both. "They're just having a...seizure." Brian whispered the last word to himself, as it had then hit him of what they were actually watching. "Oh my god, I know what this is! Guys, this is that infamous banned Pokemon episode that was shown in Japan-"
"And it caused 700 viewers to have seizures and ultimately be put in hospitals." Stewie finished.
"Yeah, a--wait, how'd you know that?"
"I watched this episodes online and read a review about it yesterday."
"IS that why you're wearing blindfolds."
"No, it was the most horrifying and money-wasting crap I have ever laid eyes on in my life."
(End Cutaway)
The judge took his seat, and banged his gavel. "This court will come to order." He said as everyone hushed and took their seats, Brian took immediate notice that neither the plantiff nor the defendant's lawyer were present. He broguht this up to the court.
"Uh, excuse me, sir? I don't mean to sound intrusive, but it seems that neither of us have our lawyers."
"Oh I know that, Mr. Griffin. The town of South Park had the liberty of purchasing a lawyer for each side." As if out of nowhere, the lights suddenly dimmed, and everyone couldn't help but ask questions. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the City of South Park v. Peter Griffin defendant lawyer...Dr. James K. Polk!"
And at that moment, a guy in a snazzy blue suit with a briefcase in his hand came walking in. (This is not only a reference to another one of my favorite shows "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide", but also to "The Clerks Animated". Since they never actually gave a name for the lawyer used in that episode, when you read this, just picture the lawyer as the one from that episode where Jay sues Dante for $10 Million.)
"Oh my god! It's Zac Efron!" Peter shouted as the man approached the defendant's table. "Hi, I was a huge fan of your work in "Race to Witch Mountain!"
"Oh boy." Brian said. "This isn't gonna end well."
"ANd now, the plantiff's lawyer. Please give it up for..." And bang the doors wnet oopen and in came in the two least likely people to run a courtroom!
"Oh my god!" Brian shouted.
"Son of a bitch!?" Lois added.
"Is that Cole and Dylan Sprouse from that crappy Disney show?" Chris asked.
"No, you idiot. I-It's those two idiots from 'The Clerks'." Stewie corrected, groaning in frustration as the two clerks,, Dante Hicks and Randall Graves, took their seats at the plantiff's table.
"What the hell are you guys doing here?"
"We're getting paid to do this trial." Randall told him. "What does it look like we're doing?"
"God I'm grateful we're not testifying for that guy." Dante commented, seeing that Peter was currently playing with Star Wars figures.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen...your South Park jury!" The judge shouteda s once again the lights dimmed and the jury came in. It turns out that all of the jury members were all Black, which shocked the hell out of everyone.
Well, in actuality, there were only 10 Black jurers. One of them was actually just wearing a costume to disguise himself as Bernie Mac. The guy was actually an alien from another planet (Roger from American Dad). The other one was a CIA agent sent on this mission to investigate the trial (Stan also from American Dad).
"OH my god, they're all blacK!" Dante exclaimed.
"I think we might have some trouble with Mac." Randall whispered to him, not even realizing that wasn't Bernie Mac and that he had been dead for almost a year now.
"OK," The judge banged his gavel again. "I will now hear the case of The People of South Park v. Peter Griffin. Is the defendant ready to give their opening statement?"
"Yes, your honor." Randall said as he stood up and took out a practically blank piece of paper. "In light of recent events, I have compiled a short summary of what I think of our opponent, Peter Griffin." He cleared his throat before reading aloud from the paper. "F#ck you." Was all he said in a calm, natural voice before he sat down, leaving everyone on his side dumbfounded.
"Uh, thank you." Said the judge before he turned to Peter's side. "And now is the plantiff ready?"
"Who?"
"You. You're the plantiff." Mr. Polk said sternly to Peter.
"I'm a plantiff!? Yay me!" Peter started clapping rapidly in a gitty fashion. "Anyway, judge, if it pleases the court, I, Peter Griffin, will be administering my own opening statement. And now, ladies and gentlemen..."
Lois was about to open her mouth and scold Peter for using what she believed was another Conway Twitty gag. However, her mouth was soon shut tight when the doors swung open, and a drunken, tan idiot with sunglasses on and spiky hair came in the door.
"Sanjaya!"
American Idol star Sanjaya came truding in the courtroom, while everyone stared in shock. He made his way to the front of the room, and eye-balled everyone.
"Yo Yo YO! Whaz-Whaz-Whazzup, homles!? My-My Pe-Peter there....that fat guy...that fat guy over there. He's innocent! He-He's innocent! You-You know, all that dungsh#t people's tal-talking about him are...they're just not true! I mean, he's just...he's just a sweet g-guy! He wouldn't even hurt a fly! An-A-A-And if you....And you-And if you can't see that, well...then I-then I hope you all die at the hands of the lord! Thank you!" Sanjaya then managed to climb up onto the table behind him, and then pulled out a gun, and shot himself in the head. He fell forward onto the ground as blood splurted everywhere in the courtroom.
Peter, being the only one who wasn't shocked, dismayed, or disgusted by what he did, calmly stood up and held his arms up. "Thank you." And then sat down as if nothing had even happened.
The judge, already furstrated, bangedd his gavel again. "Alright, this court is adjurned until 9 AM tomorrow where we will continue with this trial." After the judge got up and stepped outside, everyone in the courtroom followed suit.
Everyone was frustrated already, and they weren't sure what was going to happen from there. All they wanted to worry about was how much jail time Peter would get.
Meanwhile, while everyone was piling out of the courtroom, something had caught Stewie's eye. He saw what looked like Butters in his Professor Chaos outfit. He was changing the light bulbs in the wall from those energy-saving ones to the regular ones that pollute our planet. Stewie, rather confused, went over to Butters.
"Hey!" He shouted, causing Butters to drop his bulbs. "What the hell are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing!? I'm committing an evil act!" Was his response, trying to sound like a great, evil villain, but was only sounding like a douchebag to Stewie. "I'm switching the light bulbs in the wall from the ones that save energy to the ones that pollute our planet. This way, they'll slowly give off greenhoses gases to the atmosphere, and then it's only a matter of time before our entire Earth is polluted! MWAH HA HA HA!"
Stewie, despite loving anything having to do with evil, was not impressed at all. "What the hell's wrong with you?"
"Huh? W-Well I'-I'm just trying to be th-the best evil villain I can."
"You're going at it all wrong! This isn't an evil act. It's a juvenile prank. I should know, I do them all the time on April Fool's Day!"
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to the kitchen door, where a bucket of water sits. Peter walks through from the living room, and as a result, gets dunked by the water. "Son of a bitch!" He shouts as he grabs the bucket and throws it to the ground in anger.
(End Cutaway)
"Look, if you want to improve your talent, it's very simple, really. And I could help you if you want."
"Wow, really? That's great!"
"But-" Stewie shouted as he held out his hand. "My services don't come cheap."
Upon hearing that he would have to pay Stewie for his assistance, Butters sighed in frustration, and reached into his pocket, pulling out loose change. "Let's see, I got...I got $2.79."
Stewie, although he seemed disappointed, took the money out of Butters's hands. "Deal. Oh boy, Butters, they won't know what hit them. By the time we're done, they'll be more exasperated, confused, or suicidal than David Archuleta was when he went on Peter's home-made gameshow? Have you ever heard of a game show called 'I'm a White Guy, Get me the F#ck Off This Game Show'?"
"No."
"OH you woulda loved it. It was hillarious. Peter invented this game where you have to answer trivia questions and if you get them wrong, you either have to risk being shot or have to perform a grueling physical challenge which also results in you getting shot. It was hysterical."
(Cue Cutaway)
We cutaway to a run down building where inside, a poorly rehersed game show is being held. Peter Griffin is the host and David Archuleta is the contestant. David has cuts and bruises all over his body, and his clothes are ripped down to the last shred.
"Alright, Mr. Archuleta, congratulations. It is now my distinct pleasure to tell you that you have officially made it to the end of the game! You've survived the Star Trek obstacle course, the Mr. Belvedere trivial pursuit portion, and the presidential fitness test. Congratulations, you are the top winner!"
"But...I'm the only one here." David commented.
"Yeah I know. Anyway, once again congrats on your victory. And get ready for your prize. The entire game show budget!"
"Yes! ALRIGHT!" David shouted, and as he started doing a celebratory victory dance, Peter pulled out some loose change from his pocket and put it on the podium in front of David. He stopped dancing immediately and looked disgusted because after he counted the money, he discovered he had only won a mere 60 bucks. "Th-That's it? 60 bucks!? That's all I've won! I thought you said I won the entire show's budget!"
"I did, and you have." Peter groaned as he cupped his eyebrows in frustration. "Ahhh, alright, I'm gonna be honest with you. I am running on a minimum-wage budget here. Look, the entire set is made of cardboard. I made up the questions off the top of my head in the trivia part, the Star Trek obstacle course I stole from the Nickelodeon GUTS studio, and I have two dead guys working the lights!"
Up by the lights, there were indeed two lifeless bodies, and the lights weren't even on.
"So, uh, listen, sorry about this, I know you must be disappointed. But uh, at least this is something you can tell your friends about."
"But I only won $60 bucks." He looked down and saw his microphone wasn't plugged in. "My mic's not on. We-We-We're not even on TV right now, are we?"
"In my mind, we are." Peter then followed his answer with a hysterical blurt out of sobbing, which led to a puddle of tears on the podium! "MOMMY! Why did you anally molest me when I was a child! BWAH HA HA HA!"
(End Cutaway)
End of Chapter 3!
Next Time: The trial continues and Steiwe & Butters's reign of terror begins!
Expected Update: June 5th.
Next Update: Don't be Such a Baby, Kyle! -- June 5th!