Chapter 4

Thank goodness I don't have to be at work until noon. Corinne tossed her jacket on the couch and started pulling her sweater over her head on the way to her bedroom. Including a drive to L.A. and back, and talking, they hadn't gotten back to the cemetery 'til 1:30. She was just walking in the door to her apartment at 2. Unlacing her ankle boots, she thought over Spike's hijinks. It was an interesting thing to note that even a male of his age still hadn't outgrown the ability to act 14. It was pretty funny, though. Too bad it couldn't be done during daylight. Flannel pajamas donned and teeth brushed, Corinne sank into bed and instantly fell asleep.

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Stopping by the crypt around 9pm the next evening, Corinne wasn't there long before there was a knock on his door. Spike rolled his eyes in irritation and stalked over to answer it.

"Bit? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at your sister's party."

Dawn moved past him into the crypt. "Only until the food and stuff was done. She thinks I'm at Janice's."

"Then why aren't you?" he asked sternly.

"Because even though she said she would be, Janice isn't home, so I came here. Who's that?" she replied, pointing at Corinne.

"None of your business, and don't change the subject. Dawn…you know your sister doesn't like you coming here, especially at night. Do you want to get both of us in trouble?" Spike asked in exasperation.

The teen just rolled her eyes. "We're not going to get in trouble. Buffy thinks I'm staying the night at Janice's and going straight to school. She's so busy trying to fool her friends that she's happy, that I won't even cross her mind. Can we not talk about her anymore?"

"Fine, but you're going to be at school on time in the morning. No more ditching classes."

"Whatever," Dawn sighed, plopping on the sofa. "Got any new movies?"

Corinne looked awkwardly between the two of them. "I…should go."

Spike looked up, concerned. "You sure?"

"Yeah…it's kind of late for me."

He looked perplexed, but went along with it. "Alright. Let me walk you out. Bit, don't get into anything while I'm gone."

"Yeah, yeah…" Dawn was already engrossed in the television.

Once they were outside, Spike stopped Corinne with a hand on her arm. "You don't have to go, you know, pet.

She smiled reassuringly. "I think she needs you more than she's letting on. I've been a 15-year-old girl, before. I should be studying, anyway, and sleeping. I could stop by in the morning, make sure she gets to school?"

He looked relieved. "Thanks, luv. That would be right handy. My body tends to insist on sleep at that hour." They resumed walking to her car.

"Not a problem. My shifts are kind of crazy for the rest of the week, but I'll try to drop by still. It's been nice, getting a change from the ordinary. Maybe I should go about rescuing men in alleys more often," she quipped.

"Not in Sunnydale, you won't. Any number of things would consider you a ripe, nummy treat, Doc. You're lucky I'm not still the biting type," he growled protectively.

"I was kidding, Spike! Lighten up a little," Corinne replied, bumping him with her hip.

He shrugged, unapologetic. "I protect the people I care about, Doc. Just my nature." True to his word, Spike's senses were always extended every night he walked her across the graveyard.

"I know. Thanks. Well, good night. Good luck with Dawn."

"Eh, she won't put up much trouble…too worried that I'll stop doing favors for 'er. Good night, pet."

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"So, any demon problems at the party? Mystical occurrences? A spell gone wrong?" Spike asked, once he rejoined Dawn.

"Nope. It probably helped that the party wasn't on her actual birthday. That was Saturday. Xander brought a friend from work to meet Buffy, though."

His eyes narrowed dangerously. "What kind of friend?"

"Some guy. Pretty unremarkable. I don't even remember his name. I'm sure it was just Xander's idea of trying to get her back to 'normal'." She scoffed at that. "Like a Slayer can ever be normal. That party was sooo boring, which means she'll probably consider it a success." Dawn looked over at Spike. "You don't think she'll come by for a booty call tonight, do you? Cuz that'll seriously scar me for life."

He sighed and sat down next to her. "I doubt it, pet, but it wouldn't matter with you here, anyway. She'd be too mad that you weren't at your mate's."

"Yeah, you're probably right. What'll you do if she, uh…you know, goes out with that guy?"

Spike weighed the question seriously, since he could be honest with Dawn. "Your sister is free to do what she likes, as much as it might piss me off. Every time we're, uh, together, she insists 'never again'…that we have nothing but the…physical. Sometimes, we actually get along for a bit, and I think she might care a little…and then she's running off again like the hounds of hell are on her heels. But the short answer is, there's nothing I can do about it, and a normal bloke can probably give her those things she's always dreamed of. I haven't fooled myself so much to not recognize that. I can't give her children, can't grow old with her, can't go for walks on the beach under the sun…And I want to see her happy, Bit. Even if that's not with me, much as that hurts."

She snuggled into his side, trying to give what she could. "You're pretty amazing sometimes, Spike."

He lifted his arm up to wrap around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Not so bad, yourself, Niblet."

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Buffy did start trying to date the 'normal guy'. That lasted just long enough for them to be out at night and a vampire to cross their path – the third date. 'Normal guy' balked and stopped calling, and the Slayer went back to occupying her nights patrolling or working at the DMP. Dawn rarely saw her. She posed the theory to Spike one night that Buffy was trying to ensure that she wouldn't have time for the vampire by working 24/7. He wasn't sure how to take that.

Spike was at war with himself. Every time he went to seek Buffy out, the voices of his friends would start casting doubts in his mind on whether it was a good idea. So, he watched her from afar, when he could get away with it, and only dropped by the Scooby meetings long enough to report on demon activity. She never looked at him when he was in the same room. Bitch.

So when the Slayer and Captain Cardboard showed up at his crypt demanding information about Suvolte eggs and "the Doctor", he wasn't in the best of moods.

She kicked the door open like usual, dressed all in black to match Soldier Boy. "Spike! What do you know about Suvolte Demons?" she demanded.

"Well, if isn't Captain Cardboard, back in town. What's the matter, mate? All those government toys not doing the job? Have to call in the Slayer to save your ass again?"

Riley drew himself up and maintained his composure. "We're looking for someone calling themselves 'The Doctor'. They're planning on selling a bunch of Suvolte eggs, and we already tracked the mother to Sunnydale. Buffy thought you might know something. Personally, I think it's a waste of time."

"Suvolte eggs will hatch if you don't keep them cold. As you can see, I don't have the facilities for that kind of storage. Not that I'd bother. Damn things are way too volatile. Sorry, don't know a thing about any doctor or a deal. Now, if you don't mind, I was about to watch some telly," Spike responded. The bitch still wouldn't look at him, except to glare.

She lunged forward and shoved him against a pillar. "That all, Spikey? I don't think I said I was done here, so I'll leave when I'm good and ready." She punched him in the nose. "Now, I know you've been pretty quiet lately, so what are you up to, huh? You're always hearing tales at Willy's, so you either know who's selling the eggs, or who's buying them." She raised her fist to attack again. "Who are you protecting?!"

"No one, you bloody bint! I kill my kind. Do you really think any self-respecting demon is going to confide in me?" Spike lightly shoved her back, breaking her grip on his shirt. "I told you what I know, now piss off!" It angered the hell out of him that she could still think him capable of breaking her trust like that, when he'd been helping them all for almost two years. Her eyes were cold as she searched his.

Riley laid a hand on Buffy's arm. "Come on, Buffy. He's useless. We need to find those eggs before they hatch and get hungry."

She looked back at him, stepping further from Spike. "You're right, of course. Don't go anywhere, Spike! If I find you have anything to do with this, I'll stake you."

"Whatever. Sing a song I don't know, Slayer." He wiped the blood off of his lip and stomped over to his bottle of Jack sitting on the refrigerator, his back rigid until he heard the door slam.

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She came back later, after Soldier Boy and his new wife left town again, looking vulnerable.

"Tell me you love me," she pleaded, walking up to him.

"I love you, Buffy."

She stopped right in front of him, her tiny fingers picking at the buttons of his shirt. "Tell me you want me."

"I do want you, but Buffy…you can't just use me whenever your life doesn't go your way." He removed her hands from his person and stepped back a little.

She stepped forward again, trying to wrap her arms around his neck and press her body into his. "What does it matter, Spike?" she breathed. "I'm here, I'm willing…"

Spike moved her arms away and stepped back again. "No more games, Slayer. You've hardly looked at me for weeks, and now you're suddenly back in my arms? I'm sorry that it hurt you to see Captain Cardboard and his perfect little wife, but this…this thing you're playing at…it's not going to help."

She finally stepped back, the mask coming up as she got angry. "So, what…I stay away for a little while, and you're not interested? Gee, Spike, I thought you were all about going after the unattainable. How much could you really 'love' me, if you don't even want to make me feel better?" she snapped. "Or did my absence hit just a little too far below the…belt, and you're not up to performing anymore…Is that it, Spikey? Did the fact that I can resist you break down your…confidence?"

His eyes narrowed in anger as he grabbed her, pressing her body against the erection that always appeared when she was around. "Does that feel like I'm not up to it, pet? No, the problem is your attitude, and I'm sick and tired of you yanking my chain every time you have an itch you can't scratch. If all you want is a fuck, then find some poor sap at The Bronze. You'll ride him to death, but hey, what a way to go, right pet?"

She shoved him away with Slayer strength, sending him scrambling to the floor. "I don't need this! Don't think you'll get a second chance, Spikey! I don't know why I ever thought an evil, soulless, thing would understand!"

He laughed mockingly as he rose to his feet. "Hurts, don't it, luv? You managed to drive me away, too. Oh, it wasn't your skills in the bedroom that were in question. It was the girl. You want to see a 'soulless thing'? Try looking in the mirror. Dawn was right. You aren't the same Buffy that we buried. She was a class act, a hero, and loved her family. What have you been up to these past months?" Spike purposefully strode to the door and opened it. "Now get out of my house. You find a heart again, and maybe we can talk."

The Slayer picked her jaw up off the floor, her face hardened again. She stomped out of the crypt, refusing to look at him, until she stopped in front of the vampire and laid him out with a full-force punch. The door slammed as he hit the wall.

"Guess I struck a nerve," he groaned. Spike crawled to his chair and slumped into it, his head falling into his hands.

What had he done? All the anger and resentment from rejection after rejection…her cold treatment from the time she'd beaten his face in a month ago…it just poured out in the form of every insult he could think of that might hurt her. The woman he'd professed to love more than any other. And he did, even now. Maybe she'd hate him for the rest of her life. Maybe she'd stake him. Maybe it would be a wake-up call. Mentioning Dawn probably hadn't been the best idea. His head shot up, prompting another groan, as he realized Dawn could be in for an attack she wasn't prepared for. That's what Buffy did, when she got defensive – she struck out to hurt.

Spike pulled himself together, grabbed his coat, and raced for the Summers' home. He had to be there in case his Niblet was in trouble.

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The door slammed, signaling her sister was home. Great. Another Buffy bad mood, Dawn thought. Her sister shut the TV off and turned on her, looking mad enough to kill.

"Where the hell do you get off talking to Spike behind my back, Dawn? I slave away at that fucking rat trap every day so you can have a roof over your head, all so you can whine to my mortal enemy?"

Dawn straightened up, on the defensive. "So what if I talk to Spike? It's not like I have anyone else to talk about the Slayer with? You're never home. You never listen to me. If you hate me so much, then why don't you send me to Dad already? At least there, I know where I stand."

"You know, I just might! You've been a constant burden since the monks made you, anyway! I had a life before you brought Glory to town," Buffy screamed.

"I knew it! You've blamed me for your death since Willow brought you back, and I wish she never did! It's why you were so willing to leave me for prison, right? Why you've been screwing Spike just to avoid all of us? Why you're so cold, like a zombie? Do you think I wanted to be the Key? I have no choice!"

"I was in Heaven! I was done, finished, complete! You have no choice? I've never had a choice! Couldn't stop Dad from leaving. Couldn't stop being the Slayer. Couldn't keep Angel from leaving. Couldn't save Mom. So, I was ready. Done. I had my death wish, and Spike knew it. He always knows things I don't want him to…and I welcomed that portal, Dawn, because I knew you'd all be better without me. But Willow couldn't leave it be, and I hate her for that…my best friend…something's always been wrong with me, and it's just gotten worse." Buffy took a steadying breath and wiped her face of expression. "So, if you want to go live with Dad or Aunt Cheryl, I won't stop you. I'm just going to wreck your life, too."

"Buffy, I…"

"I don't hate you, Dawn. I'm screwed up, really fucked in the head, but I don't hate you. I love you, or at least I would, if I could still feel. I'll…let you think it over, okay? Good night, Dawn," she said quietly, and went upstairs to bed.

Dawn sat on the couch, reeling, not knowing what to think. What do I do? Should I call Giles? Dad? Our aunt? And what happened with Spike? Doing her best thinking while moving, she took her dishes into the kitchen and proceeded to wash them. Lifting her head from the sink, she spotted Spike out the window, and gestured for him to go to the back door.

"Are you alright, Bit?" he whispered, as soon as she stepped out on the porch.

"Yeah…I think so. What happened tonight?" she whispered back.

"Your sis and I had some words. I got hot-headed, said some things I didn't really mean… Did she take it out on you?"

"We yelled…and she offered to let me go…"

"Go?"

"To Dad's, or our aunt. I think she just wants to give up, but who knows if anything she said will stick tomorrow? She could be back to Pod-Buffy again. I wish Mom was still here."

Spike gathered her into his arms. "I know, sweets…I know. We all forget that you and your sis are still grieving. With all the turmoil from the Hell-bitch, you never really got a chance to properly. And your sister's death just complicates things…"

"She said she doesn't hate me…that she'd love me if she could still feel. How does a human not feel anymore, Spike? It shouldn't be possible…we're not built like robots," she said through tears.

"Your sister still feels, Bit. She just doesn't think she does. She's so focused on the pain that she can't see beyond it. It's why she cries at night. I wish I could make things better for both you, luv. I really do."

"But you can't, Spike," Buffy interjected from the kitchen. Vampire and teenager sprung apart, both looking uncertain and a little afraid.

"Slayer…"

She shook her head. "It's alright, Spike. I should know by now that I can't keep the two of you away from each other. Dawn, it's getting late…"

"I get the hint. I'll go to bed." She started to walk past her sister, who stopped her.

"We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

The teen nodded, and continued upstairs.

"Buffy, I…" Spike started to apologize.

"You're right, as usual. And don't expect me to admit that again. I've been using you, and it just hurts us both. It was my fault in the first place. Becoming…friends, like we started to, scared me, and there was so much I wanted to forget…and you were good at making me forget. My world got turned upside-down…I mean, who'd ever think I would confide in you instead of my friends? I'm not good with the emotional stuff…never have been…and, well, if I can't do that, then I at least have to figure out what's best for Dawn. I do wish Mom was here, but she's not, so I owe her to figure this out…because I think she's been pretty disappointed in me so far…" She was rambling, and crying by now. Spike stepped forward to comfort her.

"Pet…" He stopped when Buffy held up her hand.

"No, no…let me finish. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry, and you should get away from me…not because I'm mad, but because I can't do anything but hurt you, and I can't be what you want. What I did, to your face…I've been living with the guilt for so long, and I hate what I am now…it's killing me to be like this, William. So, please…don't let me near enough to do that anymore!" For once, she let the truth shine in her hazel eyes, and he saw that she did care.

Spike nodded in acceptance. "As you wish, luv. I'm sorry…for what I said earlier. I just want to see you happy, Buffy. You used to smile and laugh, and it was glorious."

She laughed a little through a sob. "I did, didn't I? God…it seems like a lifetime ago." She brushed the tears off her cheeks and composed herself. "Well, I should…"

"Right. It's been a long night. You're probably exhausted."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. Good night, Spike."

"G' night, Buffy." He turned and walked away.