Olivia

Olivia closed the door behind Robert and released a sigh. Finally, the night was over and they could relax. The introductions were complete and Robert had met the guys, who could be….interesting.

"Your friends are…unique," Robert said cautiously.

Olivia laughed and after locking the door, dropped her keys on the nearby coffee table. "That's putting it lightly. They can be difficult to newcomers. I'm sorry if they hazed you too much."

"Hazing comes with the territory. I grew up with two brothers, one older. Believe me, I'm used to it. And even though they were girls, my sisters gave me a run for my money."

Olivia felt it only fair to ask, seeing how he'd met the guys, and they were as close to family as she'd ever had. "Speaking of, when am I going to meet them? The family that is in New York." He'd given her one reason or another not to meet his siblings over the months they'd been dating, much the same way she'd blown off his attempts to be introduced to her 'family.'

"Sarah should be getting back from England any day now and I think Michael's back from that trial in California. I'll give him a call tomorrow, see if he's in town."

"And Cadence?" Olivia asked, before removing her leather jacket, placing it on the back of the dining chair. She moved into the living room and began to remove her black boots and socks. Once the task was finished, she wiggled her feet in relief. Those boots were gorgeous and sexy, but fucking hell on her feet.

"Cady… no real excuse there," he said frankly, looking her straight in the eyes. Robert sat down next to Olivia. "It's amazing how we managed to avoid meeting each other's friends and family this long, but I imagine we have the same reasons – caution and weariness. I've gone a long time without really coming close to an intimacy I feel we are developing, Olivia. I've brought home girlfriends in the past and within a couple of months, we were calling it quits.

"I stopped bringing home the women I was dating because of the eventual letdown a long time ago. Getting my parents' hopes up, thinking that maybe this was 'the one,' the one to marry, the one to have children with," he continued. "After a while of the same situation repeating itself, you get tired of the same crap, and just stop really trying."

Olivia didn't say anything, but she completely agreed. It was tiring to put yourself out there day after day, night after night, looking for something that may or may not come your way, and in the meantime, you met so many Mr. Wrongs, it was hard to find the energy to find Mr. Right.

"And now?" she asked quietly, getting comfortable and pulling her feet up on the sofa.

A crooked smile. "And now…it feels different. With you, with us. I'll call Cady, Michael, and Sarah in the morning and schedule dinner. Assuming Sarah's back in town and you don't get called away, how about Thursday, eight o'clock?"

"That sounds perfect," she murmured.

"Elliot wasn't what I expected," Robert changed the subject slightly. Olivia's shoulders tensed in preparation.

"How so?" she asked nonchalantly.

"He's very protective for a married man," he observed. "Very possessive."

All of a sudden, Olivia wished she hadn't taken off her boots, feeling acutely open in her bare feet, vulnerable. "I'm his partner, Rob. We've been partners for eleven years now. He's seen me through a number of hard situations and decisions in my life, and I've done the same for him. He's just protective. I'm like a sister to him," Olivia finished, and had to internally wince at the weak lie.

A deprecating laugh huffed out of Robert. "He acts like no brother I've ever known. I have three sisters, Olivia, and I don't react to other men the way he acts when I'm around you."

"You just met him tonight. You don't know what he's normally like," she protested. She'd defend him to her last breath. He was her partner.

"Liv, he doesn't act like a brother, or overprotective father, or just a friend. He acts like a man interested in a woman, interested in you," Robert said firmly.

"He's not," she said sharply. "Elliot's married and that's the end of it. There's nothing there and there never will be." Robert voicing the hope she'd had as recently as four years ago dug into that newly healed scar and opened the wound.

"I didn't ask that," he voiced quietly. "But it's interesting that you are aware there is something there. You never mentioned if you and Stabler..."

"Nothing's ever happened between us, Robert. Elliot's married, he's always been married," she said wearily. "He always will be married," she added, getting up, getting away, putting space between them.

Robert got up as well from his sitting position, not liking to be on unequal footing with Olivia. Moved closer to push his point. She couldn't get away from the conversation. It was too important to deflect and evade. "But at some point, you wanted something to happen…" he led, prodded.

Olivia met his fishing statement with silence. If she said something, he'd hear the lie. If she didn't, it was as good as admitting it. Either way, he'd know the truth.

An indrawn breath. "Do you still feel that way?" Breath was held awaiting her answer.

Olivia bit her lip and turned away from him. She was silent for a long time, searching herself, searching inside for the answer, truthful and potentially hurtful though it may be. She'd told herself over the last few years that she'd given up, but had she really? Had she finally let go of an impossible dream and accepted that it would never happen? Had she finally acknowledged that fact and truly begun to search for someone else whom she could love, and more importantly, love her in return without reservation?

"Liv?" Robert asked, tension threading through his voice.

She turned back to him and took a breath. "I won't lie, Robert. There was a time when something could have happened…something I would have wanted to happen. But that time's long passed. What do you want me to say? Elliot's my partner, that's all. That's all he will ever be." An ache started in her throat at her own admission, and it was hard to swallow.

She paused for a moment, and Robert continued to stare at her, knowing she had more to say. "A part of me will always…love him, Robert. That will never change." The ache grew and she had to fight to push words through. "But he loves his wife and that too will never change. I can't say I'll ever stop loving him, because I won't, but I can move on. I can move on and try to find someone else to love, someone who'll love me and put me first, because I'll try my damnedest to do the same. I deserve that, Robert. I care about you, a lot, and I haven't been able to say that about many men in my life, but if you can't deal with my answer to your question, then it's better that we end this now. "

Her voice softened and trailed off, dreading and anticipating his reply, fear and hope tugging and pulling at her, opposing forces vying for supremacy.

Robert

He'd known since meeting her that Olivia and her partner were close, the best of friends, but he'd had no idea prior to tonight that Elliot had feelings for Olivia, or that she reciprocated them. Olivia had obviously put a firm name to those emotions, but Elliot had not, by his reckoning. Elliot remained oblivious to the depth of his feelings and that was fine with Robert. He cared about Olivia, a lot more than what was normal for him after six months of dating. It had started slow, and grown progressively over the last six months, so slowly he hadn't realized the extent of his feelings until now, until what he was feeling was being threatened.

You never know what you have until it's taken away.

That was for damned sure, and Robert didn't want to lose this woman. He'd only found her.

But how could he compete with an ideal Olivia had obviously fallen in love with? Elliot was her partner, with her practically 24/7, and married, to boot. He was a dedicated husband and father and she admired and respected that. That much was apparent in the fact that, by her own admission, nothing had ever happened between them.

Maybe if something had happened between them, then she, and consequently, they would not be in this situation. So often, a crush or believed love fizzled out when the parties became intimate and realized the fruit wasn't sweeter, the grass greener. But that was not the case and now Robert was faced with the decision to either continue a relationship knowing Olivia had strong, powerful feelings for another or breaking off something that held the promise to be incredibly good. He could feel that this thing with Olivia had the potential to be life-changing, that this woman could be the one, as his youngest sister, all of twenty-six years old, fawned about dreamily during their annual family reunion.

But if he did give this a 'go,' and they did fall in love, and—hypothetically—get married, could he live with the knowledge that his wife was in love with another man?

A small voice inside his head chastised him for his thinking considering his current situation. Can the past be the past when you haven't let go? Had he finally let go? An old pain bloomed in his chest. Thoughts of Emily came to the forefront of his mind. He'd never told Olivia about Em. It was a lie of omission that could make or break them. And considering the secret she'd divulged to him, it was only fair he reveal the same to her. And then he'd answer her question, assuming her answer was the same after…

"When we first met, we talked about why we never found the one, that person. We both agreed it was just because of not enough time, schedules, personalities… All the bullshit that just means we didn't look hard enough. But I did, Olivia. I met her when I was twenty-one, a junior year at USF. I was in an 8am Statistics class when I met Emily Houseman. She was an Education major, knew exactly what she wanted to do with the rest of her life while I didn't have a damn clue. We fell in love fast. And hard," he started.

"Robert…" Olivia started, and her eyes were soft and confused, a note of why are we talking about this? in her voice.

"Let me tell you this and then I'll answer your question, Olivia. You have to know and I need to tell you," he said quietly, taking her hand and squeezing it gently before dropping it. He couldn't be in physical contact with her and still tell his story. "We dated seriously for the next four years, got through our bachelor's and master's degrees. After college, we took a year to travel, and when we got back, I proposed."

Robert smiled a bit in remembrance. He'd been such an idiot popping the question the way he had, no finesse, no plan, just impulse. Jesus, he hadn't even had a ring. They'd just gotten back from their last leg, landed at Miami International, and gotten a hotel room to rest the night before driving back to Tampa the next morning….

They'd been unpacking, pulling night clothes from their suitcases, and the soft light of the lamp by the bed reflected and bounced off her softly curling red hair. "Ah, God! I'm so tired!" Emily exclaimed, and after pulling her pajamas out, sprawled over the bed, face pressed sideways to the pillow with her arms above her head.

Robert found himself absolutely transfixed. Her cobalt blue eyes twinkled at him from behind the curve of her arm, mischief and tease lingering in their depths. Five years with this woman hadn't cooled his passion one bit, nor had their love calmed into flat waters. Instead, he was right in the middle of the storm. He lost himself in her eyes every time they gazed at each other. It was all right though. She was right there with him, lost in the wild waters, together.

"What?" she asked softly. "Looking to get lucky?" she teased. "I don't know if I'm up for that kind of action right now. Maybe tomorrow, once I've gotten more than four hours of sleep."

"Marry me," he blurted out. Those two words just appeared on his lips. He'd had no idea he was thinking about it, much less thinking about asking her. Even so, his heart hammered in his chest, every once in a while skipping beats, anxiously waiting for her reply.

Emily was silent for a moment, searching his eyes, searching to see if the question/request was impulse only, or if he really meant it. Finally, she had her answer. "Yes," she said softly, her voice aching with love, with hope, with potential for the future. "So, where's my ring?" she asked playfully, pulling herself up off the bed and into his arms for a crushing hug and passionate kiss.

"We'll buy that first thing tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. We have the rest of our lives together, Em. And I can't wait to spend it with you," Robert said reverently, crushing her body to his even harder, so happy she'd said yes, so relieved, and giddy. They really did have the rest of their lives together.

Robert's voice quieted. "We spent a year planning the wedding, and just two nights before, Em was killed by a drunk driver on her way back from her bachelorette party. On our wedding day, I buried my wife." Although they hadn't gotten married, said their vows, she was his wife in his heart. She lived there, young and vibrant, and forever his. He'd been faithful to her in spirit, if not in body. He'd loved her with every breath in his body, still did.

Robert heard Olivia's soft exhalation and her lips parted in surprise. "Why are you telling me this now?" she asked softly.

Robert's lips quirked up. "You're hung up on something that never happened with a man that can never love you the way you deserve. I'm still in love with a woman I can never be with again. I think we're even. Emily's the woman I've been in love with since I was twenty-one, Olivia. I haven't been able to let her go. She's the reason I've never gotten married. I've got strong feelings for you, Liv, strong enough that I'm willing to try to let Emily go, to move on. I just can't promise I will. But you've got to meet me half way here if we're to make this thing work. We both have our ghosts that need to be exorcised."

Olivia nodded hesitantly. How could she definitively say she'd get over Elliot? But Robert wasn't asking for a definite answer. "I can do that. I can try to let go of Elliot and you can start the same for Emily, with no promises. I can't promise that it'll work, Robert, but I'm willing to try."

He smiled softly, leaned in, cupped her face, and kissed her softly on the lips. "That's all I want. For the two of us to try to let go of our pasts and embrace the future. I'm so tired, Liv, of living in the past, of wishing and thinking about what could have been. I've done that so long that I've completely missed everything that could happen now."

Olivia sighed and hugged Robert to her. He cradled her in his arms and the two of them slowly rocked, each taking comfort from the other. He suspected she knew exactly why he had not told her about Emily in the first place or he'd have heard an earful earlier: the same reason she'd not told him about Elliot. Their pasts were their pasts and affected the present and the future, but since they'd both revealed their secrets, maybe they could move on now to an even better place within their relationship, find something special.

Robert wasn't in love with Olivia, but he felt like he could be, the first time in a very long time since the loss of his fiancé. He cared about this woman deeply, and although he had his own demons to fight, he'd be damned if this thing with Elliot interfered.

The man had made his own damned bed, let him lie in it.