It was very late when Galina was roused from her sleep by the sound of the balcony door being opened. The curtains were drawn back and the outside light was on. She could see a bunch of mosquitoes and moths swarming around its brightness through the large picture window of their hotel suite. The moon was full, white, and glowing up in the sky. It hovered over the black lake whose waves continued to brush up against the shore.
Galina rolled from her stomach to her back, stretched her arms above her head, and stared around the darkened room. The King size bed she was lying in was vacant, aside from herself. The pillows on her mom's side did not look like any head had laid on them that night.
"Mom," Galina called out. She rolled lazily off of the side of the bed, her feet hitting the floor. Straightening up, she padded across the carpeted floor. "You promised to sleep with me."
It went without saying. Galina always shared her mom's bed when they travelled. Unlike at home, where she kept her door shut at all times and rarely wanted anyone in, sharing a hotel room allowed for a little more transparency. Nicky was less distracted by work and more inclined to give her daughter her undivided attention. They could lay awake talking for hours, although this particular night had so far not gone at all like either expected.
After sharing a feast delivered by room service, Nicky had gone to take a long bath and Galina had spent the night texting with her friends. The television had hummed on in the background, and then it had been Galina's turn to take a shower while Nicky decided to check her emails from work. They barely spoke. Both consumed with their own thoughts about what visiting Marka had made them feel. Instead of drawing them closer, it seemed to push Nicky away that particular night, and Galina had fallen asleep waiting for her mom to come join her in the large bed.
"I'm out here," Nicky called through the screen door that was keeping the bugs from getting inside the hotel room. The main door was thrown wide open. The breeze coming off of the lake whistled through the air and through the spaces in the screen. Galina felt its coolness tickle her cheeks and inhaled the scent of fresh air contaminated with a faint whiff of cigarette smoke.
"I thought you quit," Galina complained, wrinkling her nose at the displeasing smell. She pulled open the screen door and slipped through the crack, quickly shutting it tight.
"It's a rare indulgence," Nicky replied, taking another long drag of her smoke. She blew out smoke rings, feeling a small flicker of pride at her skill, though Galina merely rolled her eyes.
"Smoking causes strokes," Galina said sternly.
Nicky exhaled a slow breath and watched her daughter sink into a bright red lounge chair. They never once broke eye contact. "Marka never had a cigarette in her life," she replied finally. "And she always took excellent care of herself. Sometimes these things just happen."
"You're her daughter," Galina pointed out. "Why are you trying to increase your odds?"
"I've always had a knack for beating the odds," Nicky replied lazily. She had her cigarette tapped over the ashtray, ready to be extinguished but just as she was about to put it out, she hesitated. Shrugging, she brought it back to her lips.
"I'm not sure that's something to be proud of," Galina complained, picking her legs up one at a time and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her chin on her kneecap and glared at her mother, who was continuing to smoke without inhibition. "Grandma said you were born with a desire to cheat death more times than she could count."
Nicky flexed the cigarette in between her fingers. "Well, there's much more to the story than that," she replied, bringing the smoke back to her lips for another puff. "We all have our vices. The ones I have to fight every day-the really bad ones, they make an occasional cigarette feel about as bad as indulging in a second cup of coffee."
"Why are you getting so dark?" Galina asked. "Should you go to a meeting or something?"
Nothing had ever been off limits in their household and Nicky had always been candid with her daughter about her heroin addiction and about the years she had spent in prison before getting her life together. It was what her work was centered around and the passion that it inspired in her bled into their home and on both of their lives. Helping others face their same demons had helped Nicky to fight off hers. She had never relapsed, although there were times she had been tempted to. Galina knew all about that.
"No, doll," Nicky shook her head and then patted the seat next to her. Galina wrinkled her nose at the idea of being that close to the cigarette smoke.
"Was seeing Grandma that hard on you?" she asked, sinking into a lounge chair on the other end of the balcony.
"No," Nicky replied automatically, she took another puff from her smoke. "No," she said again, after breathing it out. "That's just the way things go. Doesn't mean I don't feel bad for her."
"It would be impossible not to feel bad for anyone in that situation," Galina said. She leaned her head back; her thick head of curls was like a soft cushion against the hard plastic of the chair she was in. From outdoors, she could see the moon's fullness reflected on the waters that were rocking on the shores.
"I was so worried about how hard seeing her again like that would be for you," Nicky confessed, "but you did so good. You were so natural with her."
"I just tried to talk to her like I always talked to her," Galina shrugged.
"I saw that," Nicky replied, flashing her daughter a proud smile. "And I know she appreciated it. Grandma always wanted to be the product of envy; she would hate to be pitied."
"Like Baba?" Galina asked softly. Nicky's eyes glossed over for a brief moment and her lips pursed together like a duck. She nodded her head slowly in affirmation.
"I don't even want to imagine what Baba would have been like if the same thing had happened to her," Nicky's eyes widened dramatically in horror at the mere idea. "She would not have handled Marka's diagnosis graciously."
"Has to be better than prison, though," Galina said.
"I don't know about that, actually," Nicky said, after a moment's consideration. "Grandma is imprisoned in a whole different way. I think it would be pretty awful to have this whole world at your feet and be trapped in a body that won't do what you want it to."
"When you put it like that," Galina let out a heavy sigh. She turned to look back over at her mother. "Why can't she come home with us?" she asked quietly.
Nicky's face hardened at once. "You know why," she said quietly, a touch of annoyance in her tone for being questioned. They had had this discussion before. Or perhaps it had been less of a discussion, and more of her telling Galina how things were going to be.
"I know it wouldn't be easy," Galina pressed on. "But we could support her. You could hire someone to help."
"I can't imagine hiring anyone better than the nurses in the home she is in," Nicky said dismissively. "She is in a top rate facility with people to take care of her and in a community based on her needs. I think bringing her home to an environment that she can't really integrate into anymore would just be cruel."
"If it was Baba, you wouldn't even hesitate," Galina argued, a touch of anger rising into her own voice.
"That's not the same thing," Nicky said gruffly, looking a bit taken-aback by her daughter's argument.
A heavy silence fell between them. Galina shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She had caught, as she always did, the shadowy expression that crossed over her mom's face at her Babushka's mention. It was a look of pain, regret, and longing that went deeper than she would ever be able to fathom. For as long as Galina could remember, her family had shifted between two worlds with these two Grandmothers, two mother figures, who had imprinted upon her soul in different ways. From her earliest beginnings, she had learned to love them both, although it went without saying that her mom did not feel the same way about them.
Galina watched her mom put the butt of her cigarette into the ashtray and then start contemplating, fingering another.
"What would Baba say if she knew you were smoking?" Galina asked teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.
"You know, she was very unsympathetic to me when I had to quit cold turkey after getting pregnant with you," Nicky replied. "She said she was surprised I hadn't accidentally caught my 'big hair' on fire yet lighting them."
"How would you even accidentally do that?" Galina laughed. "You'd have to be pretty incompetent."
"I don't know," Nicky shook her head. "That's just what she said. A flair for the dramatic, always, but she was just so thrilled that you were on the way. Wanted to make sure I was doing everything right, eating enough….."
Her voice faded off. She knew she wasn't saying anything that her daughter hadn't heard several times before, but Nicky wanted it all to be ingrained in her memory. Red's stories were ones that needed to be told. Nicky wanted someone to care as much as she did, to understand how much it had meant her to receive Red's love and care, and to become her daughter. Red had given Nicky a family where they hadn't been one before, and in having Galina and giving her Red's name, Nicky had always felt like she was giving back to her.
"I don't think Baba would be upset if she knew you came to see Grandma," Galina said bluntly. For as long as she could remember, she had been able to sense Nicky's discomfort around Marka, though she had never really understood it. Red and Marka, they both were unequivocally Nicky's mothers but it had always been an open secret that Red was to be loved more. Yet, without Nicky's experiences with both women, Galina was not able to have the same divided loyalty.
"Of course, she wouldn't be," Nicky scoffed. "Red knew what it was like to have kids not come visit. She wouldn't wish that on anyone."
She slapped her hand hard against her forearm where a mosquito had just made its landing. "These bugs are bad," she complained, clapping her hands together in front of her to try and squash another one trying to get near. "Let's go inside and get some sleep."
Galina nodded her head and stood up to follow her mom back into the hotel suite. She walked back into the bedroom, while her mom went into the bathroom to brush her teeth.
Standing in front of the sink, Nicky could hear Galina singing to herself in the next room. Pitchy and out of tune, but there was a simplistic joy in there. Like seeing Marka had lifted a weight off of her and she had overcome her fear about seeing her again. Galina had done so well at the nursing home, just like she had always thrived in every situation life, or her mom, had handed her. Such as being brought along to visits at the prison.
Nicky made eye contact with herself in the mirror as her mind drifted away. Back to a time when things had been different and she had still been hopeful...
"W, X, Y, and Z" Galina was singing into the phone. At three years old, she had been full of confidence and just like her mother, thrived on an audience. It was what made her enjoy talking on the phone to Baba almost every day, relishing in the adoration of a woman who hung on her every word. It was even better, when they'd make their almost weekly trips to the prison itself. Galina enjoyed showing off in front of the glass, basking in the glow of a woman who had eyes only for her. It always made her feel very special. "Now I know my ABC's, Next time won't you sing with me!"
"Very good, sweetie," Nicky said, clapping half-heartedly. She made to take the phone, but Galina pulled it tighter to her ears. She began rhyming off the days of the week for Red to hear.
"You want to hear me count?" she asked after. "I can count to twenty!" Without further ado she began to recite her numbers, stumbling over sixteen but Red looked impressed anyways. Galina attended one of the best pre-schools in New York City.
Red's eyes flashed briefly over in Nicky's direction and her lips twitched in an understanding smile as Nicky sighed and leaned back in her chair. Talking through the phone meant that only one visitor could speak at a time and Galina had begged to be allowed to say hello first. Always dedicated to fostering a relationship between them, Nicky had agreed. Though it was a little frustrating to be merely a spectator, and she felt another stab of resentment that there was glass between them at all. She hadn't gotten to hug her since she'd been released, and Red had never once gotten to hold Galina.
She looked so tired and her skin was very pale. Nicky worried more and more about her every time she saw her, but Red always smiled and was completely engaged the entire time they were there. They were the entire highlight of her existence and her only visitors. Galina wasn't scared to be at the prison. She had been doing it since she was four months old and had never really questioned the absurdity of having to see Red that way. Nicky had always just simply explained that it was the way things were for now, but not always, and someday Baba would come home to live with them.
She emphasized this by fixing up Red's rooms in their townhouse and getting her daughter's input. At worst, they still had a few more years to go, but a best-case scenario was that with good behaviour Red could come home at anytime now. Nicky had chosen for Red one of the brightest rooms in her house. It had its own bathroom that connected onto another bedroom that Nicky had always wanted to also give Red, to use as a living area of her own. More than anything, Nicky wanted to give Red space to spread out and feel at home. She deserved to be spoiled and she deserved to be loved.
Galina had stopped reciting off every bit of knowledge she'd acquired and was listening intently. Red's mouth was moving but Nicky couldn't make out the words. She was smiling though and Nicky watched Galina giggle at whatever was being said.
"Kyle is my best friend," Galina said, likely in answer to whatever Red was asking her. "We went on the slide and then we did sleeping bunnies on the carpet…. it's a song! See the little bunnies sleeping, till it's nearly noon…"
Nicky listened to her daughter's sweet little voice sing out her favourite song from preschool. When she got to the "Hop Little Bunnies" part, Galina jumped up off her chair and began hopping in place, though she never once let go of the phone.
"Hunny Bunny," Nicky said brightly. "Maybe you want to go see the toys they've got over there? Give me a chance to talk to Baba, huh?"
Galina ignored this. She had stopped hopping and was back to listening to Red speak. "Tomorrow I'm going to go to the pool with the big waterslide!" Galina exclaimed. Red must have been asking her what their plans were. "No... not with mommy. My Grandma is taking me!"
"Okay," Nicky said loudly. "My turn." She pried the phone impatiently out of her daughter's hand, despite her daughter's protests. Red hadn't much reacted to the mention of 'Grandma' but Nicky was embarrassed about it. It felt like such a betrayal and she didn't want Red to have to imagine Marka enjoying time with her grandchild and namesake, when Red was stuck in there. When Nicky came to visit Red, she liked to pretend that Marka didn't exist.
"Go colour Baba a picture," Nicky shooed Galina over to the Kid's center in the corner. Then she came back and picked the phone up to speak to Red herself.
"She never would stop talking on her own," Nicky said playfully.
"I wonder who she gets that from?" Red replied.
Nicky sat down in the chair closest to the glass. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Galina scribbling on a colouring page with a pink crayon. She knew the drill and despite her initial fuss, she was fine now to amuse herself so her mom could talk to Red. Galina knew she would be rewarded with an ice-cream cone or pretty much whatever she wanted if she behaved. These visits meant too much to Nicky for her to ever risk her daughter acting up requiring her to leave early, and coming by herself was not an option when she wanted them to know one another.
"So, what can you tell me?" Nicky asked lightly. She expected Red to roll her eyes; say she'd much rather hear about their news. That talking about her own small and sad life was the last thing she ever felt like doing.
It was understood that things were different between them now. That Nicky being on the other side of the glass now meant that Red didn't share things with her the same way she did when they were part of the same world. Nicky didn't know if Red was coping or not, if other inmates were mean to her or showed her respect, if she had power or nothing.
She was dressed in pink scrubs and had been for a couple of years. Galina thought Red just wanted to dress in her favourite colour for her, and Nicky had never had the heart to tell her than was mere coincidence. Pink meant that Red had been placed into the safer dormitory whether because she was old, or sick, or unstable, Nicky had no way of knowing the reasoning and wouldn't ask. Red didn't like to talk about her life in prison, or about herself at all. She always turned it around to them, except this time.
"Vasily wrote me," Red said quietly.
Nicky tried to hide her surprise as she nodded her head. "Well, that's good, ain't it?" she said lightly, attempting to smile. "What did he say?"
"That he is coming to visit next Saturday," Red said nervously.
"Really?" Nicky said skeptically.
Long ago, Vasily had been a faithful visitor who came to see his mother as much as he could. His two older brothers had come also, but Vasily had been her most frequent. That was before everything had started to fall apart. Red had begun coming apart at the seams, less able to keep up the facade that she was coping, and her sons had all withdrawn. Their anger wasn't unfounded, but they had never even tried to understand what she was going through, or how being in a prison could change a person in their fight to survive.
Red rarely spoke about her sons to Nicky, but she knew that they didn't visit now. They would answer the phone, usually, when Red called and she received pictures in the mail so that she could document the growth of the grandchildren she would never know. Aside from that, they were almost completely estranged.
Nicky didn't even consider them a factor when she was planning for Red's future release. It never had occured to her that she might have to share Red with them, because they didn't want to share her right now. It was easy for Nicky to pretend that she and Galina were the only family Red had left in the world.
"So, I guess…" Nicky hesitated. "Do you want me not to come next Saturday? Give you some time alone with him?"
Red hesitated. "I don't want to tell you not to come," she replied.
"But you want to see him, right?" Nicky asked.
"He's my son," Red said simply, like the answer was obvious. She nodded her head in the direction of Galina, who was still busy colouring. "Wouldn't you want to see her again?"
"Ma…" Nicky sighed. "Of course, I would. But hopefully she wouldn't freeze me out for years in the first place."
"Hopefully you would never give her a reason to," Red said seriously. Her voice broke at the end. "It was my fault…"
"Not really," Nicky shook her head slowly. "And even if it was...that's some serious grudge holding."
"Do you think?" asked Red.
"Well…" Nicky shrugged and a smirk crossed her face. "Maybe not so much-when I think about who raised him."
She laughed at the stricken look on Red's face. "Tell you what," she said. "I'll stay home next Saturday so you can visit with Vasily alone the entire time. Then, when he leaves, you can call and tell me all about it. Huh?"
"Okay," Red said agreeably. She stretched out her hand flat against the glass and waited for Nicky to do the same. It might have been her imagination, but Nicky thought that she could feel the warmth of Red's skin permeating through the glass and it made her feel closer to her.
"You're still going to come live with me when this is over though, right?" Nicky asked her. "We can invite them over for Sunday dinner. You have to cook though, or we're ordering out."
"Nicky," Red sucked in her breath. "What would I have without you?"
Nicky could think of a lot of ways Red's life could have been different if they had never met. If Red hadn't loved her, she might not have hesitated to throw everyone else under the bus before they could turn on her. And that would have put her in a much better position. Except Red didn't think like that. She always made Nicky feel like a blessing, which was a resounding change from walking around her entire life feeling like a curse.
Back in the present, Nicky pulled herself out of her daydream….
She spat out her toothpaste and rinsed out her mouth. Then splashing some cold water on her face, she gave herself one final look in the mirror before walking into the bedroom where Galina was laying. Her daughter was turned onto her side, using her thumb to scroll through her phone. Nicky's heart swelled with love with her. She didn't say anything, just climbed into the bed beside her and wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her close.
Nicky loved being a mom. Choosing to have her daughter was the greatest decision she had ever made and though Galina had never really been any trouble, Nicky would never be able to say that motherhood was easy. Holding Galina close, Nicky inhaled the sweet scent of strawberry shampoo from her hair and felt a calmness wave over her, making her feel just a little bit better.
"I liked your singing," she whispered.
"Shut up," Galina rolled her eyes, stretching to place her phone on the nightstand. "I didn't know you could hear me."
"I haven't heard you sing in a long time," Nicky replied. "You used to put on a concert for Baba when we would visit her and I'd have to wrestle the phone from you so I could get two words in."
"How unfortunate for Baba's ears," Galina said.
"Do you remember?" Nicky asked quietly.
Galina yawned and nestled more tightly into Nicky's arms. It was obvious she was close to drifting off. "Only from your stories."
Nicky nodded, rubbing her cheek against her daughter's curls. As Galina's breathing became heavy and even with sleep, Nicky stared up through the window at the full moon that lit up the night sky. She was looking at it like it could possibly hold the answers she hadn't discovered yet.
Though no stone had been left unturned, in the examining, processing, and healing of her life, she still hadn't been able to accept everything that was. She was happy and fulfilled but there was always this depth of despair inside of her nobody could really understand.
It didn't make sense for her to be upset about Red right now, but it wasn't seeing Marka that was making her sad. It would be so much simpler if it was. What was hurting was that this was not the way the story was supposed to go. None of this was the way it was supposed to be.
Thank you for reading. I appreciate the reviews.