A/N: I'm so sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. A recent addiction to the O.C. and running a theatre camp are at fault. Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoy!

The cab ride to her apartment was excruciatingly silent. Instead of taking comfort in the anonymity of the cab, Alex pushed everything down as far as she dared. She didn't want to be the passenger the cabbie would talk about the next morning at home. And she didn't want to take the risk of pouring her heart out to a complete stranger if he asked what was wrong. So she swallowed her tears and took several deep breaths to calm herself down. She focused on the people walking around outside – no doubt the tourists, taking advantage of the sleepless city. Watching them, even in those few moments in passing, and concocting stories took her mind off her problems.

Finally she was back in her apartment. Part of her was relieved, because the familiar surroundings brought comfort. But that wasn't enough. She desperately needed to talk to someone. Olivia. But she had tried that once already, and it hadn't gone as planned. Olivia said she'd be there when she was ready and sober. She was sober now, and she needed Olivia. With shaky hands, she dialed the detective's number.

"Hello." It was a statement, not a friendly greeting.

"Olivia?"

"Alex."

"Olivia, I really need you to come over. Please? I really need to talk to you. I can't wait. I'm not drunk anymore. I need you," she pleaded, not caring how desperate she sounded.

"Alex, it's four in the morning."

"Please, Olivia. Please?"

"It can't wait until tomorrow?"

"I'm afraid what I'll do if I wait."

That was enough of a suicide threat for Olivia to take her seriously. Alex wasn't the type of person to say something like that. Things were clearly not okay, and Olivia started to feel guilty for not coming to her aid a few hours earlier. "I'll be there right away. Give me your address."

It didn't take long for Olivia to arrive. Alex had been pacing impatiently in front of her door and opened it before Olivia even had the chance to lift her hand to knock.

Olivia felt so guilty. Why had she been so harsh earlier? It was very clear Alex was in dire need of someone she could trust, and she had left her, just like that. When the door opened and their eyes met, Alex's face crumpled. In a heartbeat Olivia was inside, her arms tightly wrapped around the blonde. Alex couldn't hold it in anymore, and she sobbed into Olivia's shoulder. "I'm here, I'm here," Olivia whispered into her friend's ear, rocking her gently.

They had worked together for nearly four years, and only once had she seen Alex cry – the day she was placed in Witness Protection – and even then it was a calm, controlled cry. There was nothing calm or controlled about it now. Tears had already soaked through her shirt and Alex was shaking so hard Olivia was actually having a hard time holding onto her. "Alex, I'm sorry I wasn't here before, but I am now."

Alex only nodded into Olivia's shoulder and tightened her grip, irrationally afraid that the detective would walk away again. Normally she would be embarrassed by her actions, by her desperation for contact, but at this point she was too upset to care.

Somehow Olivia maneuvered them over to the couch. Alex sat with her head in her hands and Olivia rubbed her back as she waited patiently until the blonde had cried it out of her system. It took a long time. Whatever it was, Alex had kept it bottled up inside her for years and now it was all coming out at once.

Finally Alex had calmed down enough to talk. "Olivia, I'm so unhappy."

"Why?"

She shrugged, hugging her knees to her chest. "I don't know."

"Alex, I think you do. Its okay, just talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Everything." She paused, pushing down a new wave of sobs. "I don't know where to start. There are big things and trivial things."

"Just tell me as much as you want. And nothing is trivial if it's hurting you like this."

"I'm not happy with my job. I thought I'd love being the head of everything, but I'm not. I miss the courtroom, I miss the adrenaline, the research, the frustration…everything about being an ADA. I don't like that I'm a mentor. I don't even like my big fancy office. I miss how things were a few years ago. Everything was simpler. Well, not simpler, but I miss how everything was then. I was happy. I know when I got shot I wasn't, but I had those feelings of doubt every now and then. And I miss it so much. And I can't just stop what I'm doing now. I feel like I don't have any options, and I'm so miserable. I wake up in the mornings and suppress the need to cry because I dread going into that office every day. I never felt like that as ADA."

"Talk to Branch. I'm sure he can work something out. Don't get worked up over something when there could be a perfectly acceptable alternate."

"I know I need to, but I'm afraid he'll say that I just need to stick it out. If he says that, I don't know what I'll do."

"Well, let's cross that bridge when we come to it."

"I'm just… I'm afraid of what I'll do." Tears spilled down her cheeks and she wiped them away with the corner of her sleeve. She hated feeling so helpless.

"What do you mean?"

"I just don't have the desire to do anything anymore. I don't like going to work. I can't wait until the end of the day so I can come home, get in my pajamas, and do nothing. That's not always the case, and I have to bring work home with me, but I don't want to do it. I can't wait for the weekend so I can just sleep and not get out of bed. I barely eat, I can't sleep, and I wake up almost terrified about going into work. Most nights I cry myself to sleep. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to go out, ever. It scares me, Olivia. I've never felt like this before. Sometimes – often – I just want to give up, and that's what really scares me." Normally she wouldn't make these admissions to anybody, not even to herself, but she was so desperate. She was afraid of what she'd do if she ignored it and kept it inside any longer. Now wasn't the time for her pride to get in the way. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she needed help. She looked up at Olivia, who was staring and listening with such intensity that the tears started to fall again. She tried to cover her face with her hands, but Olivia moved them back down, holding onto them.

"Stop trying to be so strong. It's just you and me here, alone. It's okay to let down your guard," she said gently.

"I've never been suicidal. I've never thought about doing it, and when I heard of someone who did, I always felt so sad. I always thought, 'don't they know their problems are temporary and suicide is permanent? If they can just get through this time in their life, it'll get better.' And now… now I can understand. I can'tsee the light; I can't see it getting better. I can't see myself anywhere in five, ten years because I can't even see myself in the future. Sometimes it all just gets so overwhelming, and I feel like I can't function anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed and sometimes I pray that I won't wake up. Anything to stop this misery I'm feeling."

"God, Alex, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. You said it yourself – things WILL get better. I know it's a bitch to wait it out, but you have to do it. All of this can be fixed, even if it takes awhile. I know it feels like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, that the end is so far away that you just want to give up. But Alex, you aren't the type of person to give up. You're a fighter."

"I'm just so tired of fighting."

Tears started to fall down Olivia's cheeks. It scared her to see her friend so despondent. She gathered as much of Alex as she could into her arms and held her until this new wave of tears passed. She wished she had the ability to take away her friend's pain. When the sobs subsided once more, she asked, "Alex, what happened to you in Wisconsin?"

Alex sat up and swallowed several times, forcing herself to continue to stay calm. "A lot." She reached for Olivia's hand. "My mom died a year ago, yesterday. It was the hardest time of my life. I wouldn't let myself cry and I couldn't take off work because it would be suspicious. "Emily's" parents had already died, so everyone would wonder why I didn't go home for a funeral – or why my mom died again. And with that secret, I couldn't confide in anyone. I had to keep it to myself and deal with it alone. I almost gave up then. I mean, I almost just said "screw it" and got on a plane to come back here. But I didn't, and I stayed. God, I miss her so much. Every day I have to remind myself that she's gone, and it hurts. I always thought she was invincible, that she'd always be there. I never thought that when I left I'd never see her again. I can't help but feel partly to blame. If she had known I was alive, she would have gotten treatment for her cancer. I could have saved her."

"Alex, don't blame yourself. You know there was nothing you could have done. Her cancer was so advanced that there wasn't a good chance that treatment would even work. There's no point in beating yourself up over something you couldn't control."

"I know, but I can't help it. I'm trying, but it's hard." Alex fell silent, but Olivia knew there was something else. She was sitting stiffly, staring off into space, trying to process her thoughts. After several minutes, she finally spoke again. She was very careful to not look at Olivia, but stare at something invisible on the coffee table. "It was about two weeks after I found out she had died. A Friday night. I'd had a horrible week, and it didn't help that my mom had just died and I couldn't do anything about it. I had been cooped up inside the whole time – after work I'd go home, put on pajamas, and camp out on the couch until it was time to go to bed. I guess I had a bit of cabin fever. I needed to get out, so I went for a run in the park. It was after midnight, and the running trails were well lit. I don't know how I didn't see him," she paused, and Olivia's fears were confirmed. "I thought I was strong. I thought, after all those assault seminars I went to, I'd be able to defend myself. But I wasn't, and I couldn't, and he dragged me behind a storage shed."

"Did you report it?"

"How could I? I'd be found out, I'd have to relocate and become a totally new person – again. The press would get wind of this and my life would be in even more danger. I couldn't take that risk. So I just kept my mouth shut and dealt with it."

"Did you call the rape hotline?"

Alex shook her head. "I was too afraid to admit it because it would become real. You know, I spent years prosecuting these animals. I thought I would be able to recognize the warning signs, and how to deal with it after the fact. But helping somebody through it and experiencing it are completely different. I felt like I went wrong somewhere. I started to blame myself for it, and my mom's death, and my life just kind of went spiraling out of control. The void in my body was enormous, and I tried filling it with meaningless sex, but nothing made me feel whole again. So when I found out I was released from witness protection and offered the job as bureau chief, I thought I'd get my life back in order, and that the void would be filled. But I don't think that's ever going to happen. I'm so, so unhappy. God, being in witness protection really sucked!" she said, trying to laugh but instead dissolved into tears once again, and once again Olivia wrapped her arms around the distraught woman.

Alex was desperately trying to keep herself in control. Every time a sob threatened to bubble up, her whole body would go rigid until it went away. Olivia could feel this internal struggle and pushed her away, holding Alex's face in her hands. "Stop fighting, Alex. You're safe here. Just let it out. I'm here for as long as it takes." She brushed some stands of hair out of her face and pulled her close again. After a few hyperventilating-like breaths, Alex was weeping openly. Everything was coming out now. Sobs wracked her body and any semblance of dignity she held onto was gone. This was the first time she had acknowledged any of this, and she was overwhelmed with the grief she had locked inside herself for the past few years. She was tired of crying, but now that she had started, her body wouldn't let her quit until it was good and ready.

After some time, when she saw the tears weren't letting up, Olivia placed a pillow in her lap. "Here, sweetie. Lie down and try to get some sleep."

Alex obliged, but not before taking hold of one of Olivia's hands. "Please don't leave me," she whispered.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said, using her free hand to stroke Alex's face, hair, and arm. Slowly, it calmed her down, and eventually she fell asleep.

Now that Alex was asleep, Olivia was able to process all the information she had received. Poor Alex had gone through enough being put in witness protection. Then she had to go through these traumatic experiences all alone. Being miserable at her job was the icing on the cake. She knew how much Alex hated to be pitied, but her heart went out to her. Alex probably cried more that night than she had in her whole life combined. It scared Olivia to see the younger woman, usually so strong, so upset and depressed. She took comfort in the fact that Alex sought her out for help, and she wasn't going to let the woman out of her sight until the thoughts of suicide disappeared.

A/N: Okay, so I have half of another chapter written, but I'm not sure if I should end it here or continue on with it. What do you think?