To Find What I Wasn't Looking For
Chapter 4
Amanda had agreed on giving Olivia her statement but a shower was first on her agenda. Getting the smell and touch off of her was her main priority and Liv waited patiently while the blonde scrubbed and cleaned every inch of her body until her skin turned red raw. She was still shaky, from the trauma or dehydration, she didn't know but she didn't really care as long as she was able to feel clean again, and she wasn't even sure if that was ever going to be possible.
Liv had taken the liberty to pour herself a glass of water while she waited and sat down by the kitchen table, taking in the decor of Amanda's apartment. It was nice and cozy warm and bright, with a strong sense of welcomed homey-ness to it. It was modern but still had a touch of cottage feel to it in certain areas of the kitchen and the sitting room. It was nicely decorated with a noticeable touch to detail and the sun's bright light, coming in through the big living room window, highlighted a big collage of pictures on one of the walls. Curiosity took the better of her and she could no longer remain in her seat.
The photos were happy ones with smiles and laughter on everybody's faces as they posed for the pictures. Amanda was in a few of them, dressed in a vintage style light blue dress that hugged her waist and hips perfectly, her legs bare with a pair of cream coloured high heels and a short blazer to match. She was beautiful in every single photo and Liv couldn't help a soft smile from spreading across her lips as she studied the pictures, one by one.
"That's from Sarah's sister's wedding a few years back." Amanda suddenly appeared in the kitchen, hair wet from the steaming shower and dressed in yoga pants and an old sweatshirt for comfort. "It was a great day." she added, sounding slightly sad and nostalgic, as if she mentality travelled back to that day and remembered all the good memories from that special event.
"It looks like you had a great day." Liv smiled and turned her attention back to the blonde. "How are you feeling?" she asked as she approached the younger woman. "Did the shower help?"
Amanda shrugged slightly and began to play with the hem of one of her sleeves, suddenly feeling very nervous and anxious. There was a gnawing sensation in her gut but she knew that there was no way out of this. She had to tell Olivia what had happened last night even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. Going to bed and sleep for a week sounded more appealing since she hadn't really slept in the past thirty six hours and she could now feel how tired she was and how much her body was aching in places she didn't know was possible. He had really done a number on her but she wasn't aware how bad bad she looked and felt until now.
"Where would you like to do this? I suppose the couch would be more comfortable for you. Would you like a glass of water? Or I can make you some tea, if you'd like?" Olivia suddenly felt awkward. Here she was, inside Amanda's apartment, somewhere she had never been before, with a woman she barely knew, offering to make her tea in her own kitchen. She felt like a fish out of water. A feeling she, fortunately, rarely experienced but when she did, she felt awful, uncomfortable and extremely nervous. This was one of those times.
"Shouldn't I be the one offering you a drink, since it's my kitchen." Amanda asked, raising her eyebrows towards the tall brunette, a faint smile pulling at the corner of her lips, desperate to lighten the mood and the atmosphere around them.
Olivia sensed the blonde's need to change the heavy and dark situation into something more light and, perhaps, something comical, something that was easier to deal with and something she was more familiar with. It was a coping tactic that helped victims to deal with and process their trauma in their own way, sense and time.
"Well, I thought that maybe your, um... your mind was somewhere else. Besides, isn't it nice to be looked after in the comfort of your own home? I know I do." she placed a glass of ice cold water on the sitting room table, gesturing for the blonde to sit down on the couch. "I know you don't want to do this but the sooner we get it done, the better."
"For you or for me?" Amanda snapped but sat down on the plush cushions in the corner of the sofa, curling into herself like a hedgehog hiding itself from the dangers outside in the world. "Sorry." she mumbled. "I... I shouldn't have said that. I know you're trying to help."
Olivia smiled softly as she sat down in the other corner of the three seated couch, her pen and notebook already in her hand. "It's okay, honestly. It's... it's a difficult conversation to have but I promise you that I will do everything in my power to put Lucas behind bars for a very long." she watched as a shiver ran through Amanda's body when she mentioned his name but didn't comment on it. "Before your date yesterday evening, did you two have any type of contact? Physical or verbal?"
Amanda frowned, thinking hard even though she knew she hadn't been physical with him at all, barely verbal. "No, nothing. We've just seen each other in the building, passing a smile or just a simple hello to one another. Never more than than. I suppose we were flirting innocently but we never..."
Her face went pale, eyes wide and distant and her body shook briefly. "What?" Liv gently coaxed. "You never what, honey?" the pet name had slipped before she had a chance to stop herself but she didn't think Amanda noticed anyway.
The blonde turned her head and looked straight at Olivia. "We flirted! Oh god, we flirted! This is all my fault, I should never had encouraged him or make him believe that I..."
"Hey, hey! Stop that. It doesn't matter. Flirting or no flirting, married or not, drunk or sober, short skirt or sweatpants, you have a right to say no, anytime." Liv explained, hoping her words would have some impact on the younger woman. "So you never got together before last night?"
"No. I didn't even know his name until a couple of weeks ago when I heard someone talking to him." the blonde stated, wiping at her nose as it had began to drip along with her eyes. "I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have gone." she cried, placing her forehead against her pulled up knees and let the tears fall. She was so tired and emotionally drained after what had happened and everything just seemed magnified, enlarged and simply out of proportion.
"Don't do that to yourself, Amanda. You did nothing wrong and you couldn't have known." Liv soothed as she cautiously scooted closer to the cowering form a couple of feet away. "No one is blaming you for this, Amanda, so why should you? Take my advice and stop the self blame because it doesn't belong here, sweetheart."
Another endearment had automatically slipped. Olivia mentally kicked herself for it but it didn't matter now. She had said it already. She braced herself for a possible rejection from Amanda but it never came. Instead the blonde only cried harder, heart wrenching sobs that tore through her tightly folded body and, to Olivia's surprise, the small woman leaned into her, turning her body slightly so she could comfortably fit against the brunette's side as she let go of all the emotions she had tucked far back in her mind since last night.
Everything was now resurfacing and Amanda didn't seem to have control of herself. Her body seemed to have gotten a mind of it's own and it was almost scary how she couldn't get herself to cooperate with any of her senses. Olivia gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her even closer, rubbing one of Amanda's legs with one hand as she cried, calming her and soothing her.
"You're gonna be okay, Amanda. I promise you that." she whispered, feeling the body in her arms shake from the violent sobs and hiccups. "Shh, I've got you. You're safe now, honey, you're safe."
She didn't know this woman. Didn't know one single thing about her and yet she felt as though she did. She had gotten a glimpse of the person she was before this happened through a few mistaken texts and she knew that, even though that person was still inside of her, it was going to take time before she would show herself again. That person would come out when it was safe to do so and Olivia would wait. She would wait for Amanda to come to terms with her trauma, wait for her to heal and wait for the aftermath to ease and subside.
She gave Amanda's shoulder a light squeeze before she gently began to speak again. "Can you tell me what happened last night?"
Amanda finally pulled herself together and reluctantly withdrew from the brunette's warm and secure arms. "I'm sorry, I'm usually not this emotional and out of control. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."
"You didn't." Liv gently cooed. "Here, have some water." she handed the blonde the cool glass of water and noticed how shaky her hands were, almost causing the liquid to spill over the edges. "Easy." she shushed, and placed her own hand on top of Amanda's to steady the tremors and held it in place as the blonde took a few sips, soothing her throat. "Better?" she questioned and returned the glass to it's coaster on the small coffee table.
"Thank you." she shifted in her seat, putting some distance between herself and the Lieutenant. "We went to that fancy expensive restaurant. We met there at eight and he... he was so... so... I don't know, smug and slightly arrogant. I remember thinking that I couldn't get out of there fast enough if I tried but I decided to give him a chance. I just thought that maybe he was nervous and rambling or putting on a show but, after about an hour, he was still talking about himself, his penthouse suite and his new yacht that he bought two months ago for two point four million." she snorted as she remembered when and for how much he bought it. "I barely got a word in."
"Then what happened?" Liv asked, keeping her voice soft and non threatening, her hand still resting on the blonde's knee, squeezing it slightly for support.
Amanda closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath and opened them again, her gace drifted to Olivia's hand and felt extremely grateful for having someone there with her. "Um, he... he asked if I wanted to go to this club for drinks. I declined but, somehow, he changed into this charming and charismatic person and he talked me into it." she sighed and snorted at her own stupidity for letting him get to her. "We ended up in The Groove and he bought me a drink." she looked up at Olivia, eyes tearing up again as she stared pleadingly into dark brown orbs. "I swear, I only had one drink and then... then it's all fuzzy. I don't remember much after that."
She began to cry again, soft sobs and sniffles escaped her throat and Olivia, once again, tried to sooth her with her words. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault." she removed her hand from her knee and placed it on Amanda's cheek, wiping away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb. The sudden display of such an intimate affection startled both of them but none pulled away from the touch. It felt good. Amanda felt the warmth and gentleness from Olivia's hand and Olivia felt the softness and heat from Amanda's tear stained skin. Both of them seemed lost in the moment, lost in their own mind before the blonde continued.
"I... I remember being pushed up against a cold brick wall. His hands were... they were tugging at my dress, pulling it up and... and he... he... he tore my panties off and then he... he put it... inside." she shuddered at the fuzzy memory, her eyes became distant and her bottom lip began to tremble with emotions she didn't know how to show. "I was cold... so cold. He... I think he had a hand over my mouth so I couldn't scream. I remember him punching me over and over because I wouldn't shut up. He... he said that... that, after all the times he caught me staring at him, I must've wanted it. When he was finished he left me there. I... I don't know how long I was lying in the alley before I was found. I just remembered being very cold and... and in... in pain."
Her teary gaze made contact with Olivia's compassionate eyes and struggled to speak. "I... I didn't... I... didn't wa... want it., I didn't... wa... want it, I didn't..."
"I know, I know, sweetheart. Shh, easy! Take a few deep breaths for me. Come on, you can do it, breath with me." gently Olivia guided Amanda through another raging storm, guiding her rapid breathing by placing a hand on her heaving chest, feeling the wild pumping muscle underneath, hammering ferociously. "You're safe, honey, you're safe. He can't hurt you anymore. I'll make sure of that."
Amanda listened to the soothing velvety voice of Olivia and, after a few minutes of gentle coaxing, she had managed to calm down significantly and she was now experiencing extreme embarrassment for, once again, breaking down like that since it was completely out of character for her. "There's no shame here, Amanda. No shame and no embarrassment. All your senses have been stirred and shaken and it's completely okay to cry, honey." she paused briefly. "Are you sure you don't want me to call Sarah for you, or somebody else perhaps? Family maybe?"
A blonde head shook, her shaky hand brushing at the tears and her flushed face in an attempt to clear her thoughts a bit but it didn't seem to have much affect as her mind was just as blurry and jumbled as before. "No, I... it's okay, my family is... is complicated. My mom and sister haven't spoken to me since I came out as bisexual about ten years ago." she stopped herself and looked up at Olivia, her eyes wide and a frown suddenly appeared. "I... I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this."
"Don't be sorry." Olivia gently reassured. "Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger because they don't know you and they won't judge. What about your father, is he in the picture? Can I call him for you?" she wasn't sure if she had crossed a line by asking her about her father, since she hadn't mentioned him herself, but if he was around and in Amanda's life then it would be a good thing if he was here to support her through all of this.
Amanda just huffed in disgust. "He walked out when I was ten, haven't seen or heard from him since. Great father figure, ugh?" she said with a hint of sarcasm and amusement.
"Im sorry." Liv whispered softly, her tone lazed with compassion and care. In a way they were so much alike, parent-less, family-less and they had both been through a sexual assault. Even though Liv hadn't been raped she was still struggling at times to cope and to process the traumatic ordeal even though it had happened almost three years ago now. The memories she had of William Lewis never faded but she had learnt how to deal with them now thanks to her amazingly talented therapist that she still visited from time to time, especially during rough cases that hit too close to home. She tried to be proactive about it and book appointments when needed be.
"Don't be, it's not your fault." Amanda interrupted her thoughts.
"It's not your fault either, you know that, right?" Liv comforted. "You were only ten. Only a child."
"I know. He wasn't the best father but I do have some nice memories of him. He did his best, I suppose."
The silence almost echoed through the room for a full minute before Liv spoke again. "Are you sure you don't want me to call, Sarah? It's important that you have someone here with you. I don't think you shouldn't be alone right now."
Amanda thought for awhile, biting her lower lip as she pondered upon Liv's suggestion. "I... I'll call her later." she decided, picked up the glass of water and took a a few greedy sips, her throat sore and raspy from the crying.
"Promise?" Liv wanted to know for sure, that she would indeed call, before she left. The thought of Amanda being alone didn't sit well with her. She would've stayed herself for another while but duty called and she had gotten what she came here for, Amanda's statement.
"I promise." she whispered. "Thank you for... for listening, although you had to, right? It's your job but... thank you."
Olivia could tell that she really meant it by the look in Amanda's eyes and sincerity on her face and in her voice. It made her feel slightly sad and worried about the blonde, worried about leaving her alone and worried about what she would do if her thoughts, emotions and memories about the attack got out of control and took a life of their own but she couldn't stay here and babysit, not that she would've minded but she had to get back to the station, back to her squad to see what they had come up with.
"Okay, I'm gonna leave you my card. My cell phone number is on the back and you can call me anytime you want or need to." she placed her business card next to Amanda's half empty glass and stood. "Call Sarah, tell her what happened. I can tell you're very close and she would be more upset if you didn't tell her. I always answer my phone, day or night, so don't be afraid to use my card, okay?"
A soft smile spread across Amanda's lips, a smile that spoke of gratefulness, appreciation and thankfulness. "Thank you."
"Take care of yourself. I'll keep you posted on what's happening with Lucas and, remember, I'm only a phonecall away."
Olivia left the apartment and, as she drove back to the precinct, she couldn't stop her thoughts from wandering back to the pretty blonde who had, somehow, stirred something up inside of her, something that she couldn't identify or put a word to, but it was there, strongly present and swirling around in her mind and body like a crazed tornado. She shook her head to clear it and pressed her foot down on the accelerator, trying to escape and leave her troubled thoughts behind her. She never saw the car coming from her right hand side at a junction and all she could hear was a loud bang and a sharp pain in her head before she blacked out.