Time continued to go by, my mother had been busy doing who cares what, Rikku had been talking to Keyakku more, and I was enjoying my time at school (for once). Every day I looked forward to talking to Axel, we had our first 3 classes together and he always sat by me and he was really the only person who actually got me to talk but he still said that I rarely talked and he said he still wanted me to talk more but in truth I really was trying. There was a lot that I had learned about Axel, mostly just because he was really open- Axel lives with this old couple, his foster parents, that's why this is his first year going to this school, he's a natural redhead and he got the tattoo's on his face when he was high and pissed at his mom.
We talked in every class we had together and I really wanted to consider him my friend but I didn't know if I could yet- I was terrified that maybe he would find something out about me and hate me or maybe he was just being nice so he could humiliate me later in front of everyone.
School all in all was okay, better than any other school I had gone to, but again, it was school- how awesome could it get? There were a few kids I didn't think I'd get along with, one of them was this Sora, there wasn't really anything wrong with him I guess… it was just I hated him and I don't even know why. I decided to call it a personality clash.
Something about Sora just didn't seem right with me, but everyone else felt fine about her, and I was pretty sure he felt the same way about me. Because he stayed as far away from me as the classroom would allow. I decided to try not to think about Sora in any way possible, everything about him just irked me and I couldn't put my finger on it. But staying away became pretty hard, because that day Axel walked in with Sora and they were holding hands.
Now I shouldn't jump to conclusions because I hold my close friend's hand all the time, it's just something we do, so they could just be friends too, right?
They could be, but they weren't. There had been a party the other night and I guess some stuff happened and they decided to hook up, and that crushed me somewhere deep in my heart on more than one level. It hurt because he now had a boyfriend- meaning there was a possibility I could've been that boyfriend but he chose someone else, and also because I wanted him to be happy and I wanted him to be with someone that made him happy even if that person wasn't me.
It was Wednesday when I found out they were dating- something that shouldn't bother me, but did. I stayed quiet about my own feelings and time continued to by. When I got home from school, a day short a week after I found out they were dating Rikku was moving around the house quickly, pacing. "What's wrong Rikku?" I asked as I sat in the chair, setting my bag on the floor next to me, she stilled and leaned against the counter, "Do you hate Keyakku?" she asked out of nowhere, I was a little surprised for a second but quickly shook my head, "No, I don't hate him… why?"
"Well… he asked for me to come up to his place and stay the weekend… he wants me to leave tonight and he wants us just to hang out like we used to before we started dating…" "Then go," I watched her face. "I want to know what you think about it? Are you okay with it? Because if you're not then I won't go," I cut her off, "Rikku, you deserve to be happy, I'm sorry I constantly fought with him, I never meant for you two to break up, and besides you need a break, go have fun." I put on a smile and she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, speaking into my shoulder and ear in the process, "I don't care what the other kids say, you're alright," she laughed.
Getting her backpack out while she called Keyakku was really the only thing I did to help because I tried to help her get clothes and such ready but once I saw a thong I decided to just exit the room while she laughed at my face. Maybe an hour passed and we were standing outside, putting her bags in the back of his car, "Promise to call me if anything happens?" I nodded my head, "I promise," "Alright," she put her last bag in Keyakku's car as he sat patiently in the front, she wrapped me in another hug, "You're the best," I hugged her tighter. "I love you Rikku," "I love you too." She got in the car and they drove away, they wouldn't be back till Sunday, maybe just her or maybe both of them- who knew.
The rest of Wednesday night went by peaceful, I tried to be the good student I wasn't and do my homework but that didn't get anywhere except scattered papers and a bunch of ink decorating the paper without answering a single question. Around 10 p.m. the phone rang, the caller ID said it wasn't my mother, so I answered and it turned out to be Rikku on some pay phone, she talked to me for a few minutes, asking trivial questions to make sure everything was okay- like if the stove was off, all the windows shut, the door and windows locked, and if everything was under control.
When she felt comforted by my ability to act on her overly protective cares we said our goodbyes but no sooner had I hung the phone up had it begun to ring, thinking it was my sister I instantly picked it up but when the number registered I realized it was my mother, "Fuck," I cursed myself, I quickly hung it back up but it began ringing again. Soon the machine picked it up, "Rikku, Roxas? Where are you? I know you're there, answer this God damned phone, I need to talk to you," she continued on but I ignored her, I breathed a sigh of relief when she hung up, but the phone went off again, I jumped at the ringing and jumped again when I saw it was my mother again.
"If you don't answer this fucking phone I'm going to come over there," she continued to talk- or rather hiss- into the phone but I didn't want to think about what she was saying, I couldn't handle it as my mind went into something like overdrive and I began running around the house, making sure all the windows were locked along with the door, shutting off all the lights so it looked like no one was home. I sat on the floor against the couch, next to the phone, watching it light up over and over again as she called, couldn't she just take the hint?
My heart paused only to kick start as I heard the brakes to a car squeal and stop- right around the front of the house- fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck- I rambled on in my head as my heart pulsed in my ears. Someone knocked but I listened for the voice to follow or for them to turn and leave but instead I heard whoever was outside begin to bicker. I could hear more than one person, maybe it wasn't my mother. As quietly as possible I stood up and slowly slid my socked feet on the hardwood floor towards the door, but there was a tinkering noise and soon the door was thrown open, I froze.
The street light behind the figures showed me one was a blonde- a woman, the other… silver haired- Xemnas! My mind screamed for me to run away so as quickly as I could I turned to run out the back door- barefoot or not.
There was no way in hell I was going to stay in a house that had my mother and the guy that almost raped me in it, but as my feet slid from my random fleeting movement, depicting me much like a victim in a children's cartoon- except I was less graceful and my fingertip caught me a few times to prevent me from falling, someone's arm hooked around my waist and pulled me back, making me almost fall.
Pulled onto someone's lap I was held tight so even my tiniest of movements was forced to a halt, I watched my mother shut the door and move about the place like she owned it, "Where's Rikku?" she asked in a calm voice- like she hadn't just broken in. Pressing my lips tighter while I tried to wean my weight off of Xemnas- who I now realized I was being held on the lap of, his arms wrapped around my middle and arms to constrict me- he spoke into my ear like the creeper he was, "Answer her…"
"Ha!" if they could hear my thoughts I would've wound up dead a very long time ago- there was no way I was going to tell them were my sister was only because my mother knew where the cabin was, the hold around me got tighter and tighter and I felt like my body was going to split in two or I was just going to pop like a balloon. "She's away with a friend," I quickly yelled, realizing that's why the squeezing was occurring, the squeezing stopped getting tighter but was still uncomfortable, my mother came close to me. Pinching my face in one hand she tilted my head back so I would look at her, "What friend?" her breath reeked of alcohol.
"A friend from work- Tidus!" shouting louder as Xemnas began squeezing again, again- there was no way in hell I was going to sell my sister out, but I could try to sell out Tidus because he is her friend but he also is staying with his sick grandmother till she passes- which is two states away. When my mother let go of my face, she didn't simply let go, she had to push my face to the side in the process like she was sick of looking at me while she began pacing again, "We're staying till she comes back,"
"She won't be back till next week!" I shouted, trying not to let the whine in my voice be too noticeable, my mother was in the process of relocking the front door, "What?" "She's out of state with him…" this lie was just getting deeper and deeper but I didn't give a shit and it's not like they would ever find out the truth, "Don't lie to me," my mother warned, a finger now in my face, "I'm not! I swear!" I could feel Xemnas smiling behind me, "I know you swear," he whispered, his voice made my skin crawl.
"We'll stay the night, if she comes back tonight you better hope your scrawny legs can move damn fast." and she left, turning into the kitchen, I noticed her picking up a brown paper bag that I didn't notice before, she most have brought it with her, but I didn't really care about that, what I cared about was the fact that Xemnas was still holding me. "Let go of me," I finally said, he just made a tsk-ing sound and held me tighter, "But I like holding you… You're so soft, and warm," he pulled me so my back leaned flat against his chest, my muscles couldn't defend against his sound flex of strength, "And innocent," The creep's words made me shiver in disgust.
I could hear my mother moving around in the kitchen, glass bottles chimed and clinked as she continued to move about- I figured out what was in the bag- alcohol! Not too long later, Xemnas still holding me while I continued to slide out of his hold, my mother walked back in, pausing to light a cigarette at the end of the couch, as she pulled the cancer stick from her mouth she spoke again, "Xemnas, let go of my son, you look like a damn pedophile," she didn't seem all that concerned though. "Oh, but I am a lover of children," "Yeah whatever creep," my mother responded, finally he let me go.
I jumped out of his lap and turned around to look back at them, my mother was laying in comfort on the couch with a bottle of 160 Proof Vodka… like she needed that. Xemnas laid down next to her and they both just drank like it was their house, but I watched as he kept putting the bottle back to her lips instead of taking a drink, meaning he was getting her drunk and he probably had other stuff on his mind, which I didn't give a shit about till he looked up at me with that same disgusting look he had when he tried to drug me.
"Don't you have school?" my mother more shouted than asked, when I nodded my head she continued speaking, "Then go to bed!" I quickly turned around and made my way to my room and bathroom, going into the bathroom instead, locking the door behind me. There was no way I would be able to sleep, mostly because I must have had adrenaline or some shit going through my veins but all I knew is my hands wouldn't stop shaking and I just wanted to calm down. And in all honesty I didn't trust them to sleep under the same roof as me and have nothing happen.
Scrapping my skin- is the best way to put it, it wasn't cutting- it was scratching, and not many people understood that. But after the few small scraps my mind didn't slow down in the slightest, I found my little stash of razors under the sink, the only reason I ever was scratched instead of full on cut was because the razor I used was on the old side, I needed something deep so I grabbed a new unused razor. It's weightlessness as I laid it on my fingers, rolling it onto my palm, made me almost fear the small piece of metal- it weighed almost nothing yet could end my life a few times over.
There was nothing to fear though- the blade isn't what was hurting me, I controlled how deep the cut was and how much blood was loss no matter what physics may say. Hiding my little plastic box underneath the sink again I sat back down on the closed toilet lid- my proclaimed spot second only to the bathtub. Pressing the silver pointy edge of the blade against my wrist, I pressed hard before dragging the blade in a diagonal angle- following the way I had the blade pointed in the beginning.
Immanently blood pooled around the gash I had given myself, filling up slowly- I wondered if I cut my arm off and got to see the cut for its actual depth- if my blood and the split skin would cause a meniscus, the more I thought about it the more I realized I didn't care. Ripping off some toilet paper I pressed it to the blood, the white instantly getting stained by my red liquid, I pressed hard enough to either get a rush of blood or to temporarily stop the blood flow. Either way, when I pulled my hand back the toilet paper was stuck to the blood- which is all I wanted it to do, now I didn't have to worry about blood dripping out and drying or getting on something like the floor or my clothes.
Placing the blade against my skin again I wanted that calm I got just after a cut like the one I just did, the small blissful moment where nothing but bodily functions mattered. With a dull blade my moves were always mechanical because let's face it- I only did it out of habit if the results were scratches, but with these actual cuts each one had to be thought about for the proper effect. The reason I needed the cut was because I couldn't calm down otherwise, I'd have a panic attack and die before the end of the night.
My body jumped as there was a reverberating knock on the door, scaring the hell out of me, I used said panic to push the blade harder and pull it quickly- the pressure from the push melding with the pull created the gash in my arm, "What?" I asked in a monotone voice as I watched the wound fill with liquid, "What're you doing in there Roxas?" of course it was Xemnas, it was like he actually cared- but, that was probably just so he could get in my pants, "Going to the bathroom," my head began to feel light and like I was swaying back and forth though I was pretty sure I was sitting still.
"You're lying. Open the door." My voice felt like it was gone, I wanted to yell no at him and tell him to leave me alone but I was concerned and trying to figure out while the center of my vision wasn't where it was supposed to be and rather just wasn't there. The vibrations- only what I could assume was him talking- continued but my body had such a calming rush that I was too worried with trying to get the best out of it before it was gone.
There was silence for a few seconds and as I turned my head to the side to look at the door only to find it open, "No…" I mumbled, trying to move further into the bathroom but I was stopped from falling over/escaping when hands grabbed my shoulders- turned out my legs weren't really in the mood to work.
"Roxas…" he mumbled close to my ear, "What'd you do?" he turned me so I was facing him- if I could actually look at him, I looked at the bathtub and then lolled my head to look at the mostly closed door. Looking down I saw his hands, they were holding mine- one supporting my hand and wounded wrist while the other held my hand that held the blade. "Let go…" mumbling again- which seemed to get me nowhere I used all the energy I had to produce something like a yell which was hushed to sound just like normal speaking because as it turns out I didn't have as much energy as I thought, "Go away!"
"Shh… Roxas, you'll wake your mother… and you know how she gets when she drinks too much…" his voice was leaking with false concern as he put a hand over my mouth, there was no pressure but I had no more energy to move his hand- or to move at all, so I thought. The blade was still in my hand and my left wrist was still exposed- my bracelets sitting on the counter next to me, I let my wrist rest against my leg as I tried to press the blade against it again but the wound never came.
My hands were frozen, my vision blurred and spotted finally held together enough for me to notice Xemnas' hands on my own again, I wanted to panic- there was no way he could stop me, I had control of this and I wasn't going to let him fuck with that.
"Roxas," he moved my hands away from each other, he wrapped his fingers around the blade in my hand, "Let me have it," "No…" I whined, he couldn't have my razor even if I had a bunch more, but he got it from my fingers anyway. Xemnas rolled out the toilet paper and wadded it up- messily folding it, he pressed it against my wrist, I couldn't help but gasp at the pain, had he not taken the blade from me I would've dropped it as my unwounded arm began shaking and spasming from the pain because my other was held to firmly for it to have the ability to spaz out.
My posture improved as his pressure increased, my hand unlocked at my joints as the initial shock of the pain wore off and my hand shot over to press the wound in an attempt to get rid of the pain. But Xemnas held my hand back, "Don't touch it," his voice was quiet, my hand shook inches above his as I tried to not touch the wound and touch the wound at the same time- his hand blocking me though, he saw my dilemma and looked under the sink to find something, he was shifting around in stuff for a few seconds before his face was in front of me again.
He slowly lifted his hand and my hand tried to rush and hold the wound but he guided my hand away, looking up at him I saw him pull the gauze wrap end so he could wrap my wrist, he peeled off the toilet paper- sticking to my wrist from both dried and wet blood. A square piece of gauze was laid and then pressed on my wrist, the pain catching me off guard. The whole thing almost made me nauseous, Xemnas' tanned arms and hands were in my vision again as he began wrapping the white starchy material of the gauze wrap around my wrist, a little tight.
I wanted to get away but he held me still by my wrist as he took the medical tape- no wider than an inch- and wrapped it once near the top of the gauze and against near the bottom, holding the gauze in place and together around my wrist. As he began to put the tape back I decided to let my eyes close for a second, my body felt weightless but I was brought back when the weightlessness I felt was jerked away.
"Careful Roxas," he mumbled, I hated how nice he was being, I just wanted to be left alone, looking down I could see a hint of red near the edges of the gauze wrap- I could see the gauze soaking up blood layer by layer. My eyes wanted to shut again and I wasn't about to fight it, but as my eyes fought to stay open I felt Xemnas pull me forward, my body too uncaring to react.
Opening my eyes- barely- I found myself in my room, rolling my head to the side I tried to get a hold of myself, "It's okay Roxas… just go to sleep," I heard him mumble- that was the last thing I wanted to do, rolling my head again I tried to curl up with my back to him but my body didn't want to move. Looking at my legs I noticed I was no longer wearing jeans but instead pajama pants, which meant Xemnas had changed me- "Gross," I whined in my head.
"Drink this…" looking over at him I saw him holding a water bottle, my mind instantly flooding to the memory of the many times he tried to drug me, I slowly shook my head- gaining more and more force to my head shake. Xemnas placed it against my lips anyway- there wasn't very much in the bottle, I continued shaking my head, "Just open your mouth," I tried to roll away and curl up again, "Just leave me alone…" my voice cracked but I couldn't've cared less.
I thought about my mother- she dragged him here, was her usual charming self, and was drunk on the couch, and I thought about the creeper Xemnas, turning into the pillow I tried to hide myself- maybe I could just poof away, "I just want you all to leave me alone…" my vice came out in a whine, because I really was on the verge of crying.
I couldn't deal with Xemnas and my mother, I just couldn't, I didn't have enough strength or will, but I knew that didn't matter to either of them. A shaky breath broke me- as my breath came out it shook and was uneven and gave way for tears to pour down my cheek in a race to meet my pillow. The whole thing calm till Xemnas wrapped his hand around my shoulder and pulled me to lay on my back, I choked on the air for a moment as I tried to stop my tears- making the whole thing worse instead.
Turning my head I tried to get away from his look but I couldn't move to hide, "Shh…" I heard from him, his hand was rubbing the side of my cheek, I realized he had been sitting next to me on my bed and as much as I wanted to get away I couldn't find the energy.
My breathing became shaky and the tears continued silently but I was out in an instant.
I remembered some strange things though, like when you wake up over and over again you sometimes take some of the things around you to memory, yeah I had that, and the things I remembered I didn't much like. I knew for a fact that I was still a virgin- so that was a good thing- but I still felt dirty, Xemnas was lying next to me under the blankets, the nasty pervert most have rubbed one out against my leg or something. I climbed out of bed and jumped in the shower making sure that the door was locked and a towel rack in front of the door so I could hear if anyone came in.
Fixing my clean shirt on my torso I looked myself over once before I opened the door, the cold air rushed in and I jumped when I found Xemnas standing right in front of me, his face was serious even though most times he smirked when he managed to surprise me. "Your mother wants to talk to you," I didn't really care what he had to say- or what my mother did, I attempted to walk past him but he put his arm up and blocked me, "Be good- I don't want to hear her bitch… if you're good I'll make sure you get a reward," rolling my eyes I pushed past him as he chuckled, I found myself walking into the kitchen.
My mother was smoking a cigarette, sitting on the counter instead of a chair at the table, "Your sister didn't come back last night- fucking figures," she mumbled around a cigarette while messing with the pact, "I told you," "Oh, don't fucking back talk me," she barked, "I don't need your shit," she fell down from the counter and made her way to the door. "Where are you going?" where she went didn't really bother me- it was the fact that Xemnas was standing right behind me still and didn't look like he was going to be following her, "I have shit I need to do Roxas!" she turned around and looked at me.
"If you're so scared to be by yourself Xemnas will be here," "What- no, I don't' need a babysitter! Least of all him!" she turned away so I shouted but my yelling got cut short when I felt a stinging pain on the back of my head. Xemnas squeezed his fist tighter- succeeding in pulling my hair more, he ripped my head back to hiss in my ear, "Don't shout," he pushed my head forward making me stumble in the process, I glared at him over my shoulder.
"Then quit you're bitching!" my mother screamed, she opened the door, "Wait- take him with you," my mother rolled her head back and forth in annoyance before looking at me, "No. Roxas I don't have time to pussy foot around with you," I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder, Xemnas acted like there was nothing wrong with it, I tried to pull away but he wouldn't let go, "Then tell him to stop touching me," my mother rolled her eyes and spoke, "Stop being such a creeper Xemnas," she shut the door and was gone, Xemnas still had his arm draped over my shoulders.
The stinging on the back of my head returned and this time when he let go he pushed me forward, my knee banged against the hardwood while my hand slapped against the surface, "That," he started, I stood up and spun around to look at him, "Was not," he walked forwards and grabbed the collar of my shirt, "Being a good boy."
Heyylow :3
Fixed/Edited/Uploaded: May, 13, 2013