She was sitting on a random bench in the park and for the first couple of minute she thought he was not going to come, or maybe he was not going to be able to find her but then she actually laughed at herself. Ian Doyle probably knew the streets more than she did her own house so he was surely going to find her if he wanted.
And he wanted.
So she decided to relax and wait.
She looked around and smiled at the thought of fall.
She liked fall.
The colours and the feeling of it.
Knowing the colder season was kicking in.
She liked it.
She was deep in thoughts and got startled when he came out of nowhere and sat next to her.
"Jeez! You scared me" she brought her hand to her chest and felt her heart beat like crazy.
"Sorry pretty face" he chuckled.
"It's not funny. What's that?" she asked nodding at the bag in his hand.
"Just something I thought we needed" she looked skeptical and he smiled at that. Ian reached out fot the conted of the bag and soon after Emily saw a small cake in his had.
"What?! How did you-"
"Know it's your birthday? I've got my ways"
"Such as?"
"Sneaking into the Principal office?"
"You did that?"
"Newbie, you know nothing. I spend most of my time in there. Erin and I are basically best pals"
"But you still had to sneak in"
"It's not like she was going to let me read your file"
"YOU READ MY FILE?"
"Look, you were the new chick. I had to know something about you before I could unleash all my charm on you"
Emily shook her head "This was nice"
Ian nodded while putting a candle on the cake.
"Legend doesn't say you're nice"
"I can't have the legend spoil all my moves and surprises" he lit the candle and sang a really horrible version of Happy Birthday that made Emily smile and make fun of him during the whole ordeal.
She blew on the candle "Did you make a wish?"
"Yes and it already came true" they looked at each other and Ian didn't say anything "Don't flatter yourself tyger. I wished for my ears to stop bleeding and guess what? They stopped the moment you stopped singing"
"Has anyone ever told you that you're not funny at all?"
"The smile plastered on your face has actually"
He mocked her and they ate cake together.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked in a more serious tone while picking at the frosting.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I'm new around here and you're sneaking in the Principal's office to read my file and bringing me cake for my birthday. Why?"
"First of all, I would have read the file whoever it was that was arriving and second of all, maybe I'm doing it just because I like you Emily Prentiss"
She bit her lips "You don' want anything else?"
Ian sighed, he knew it was coming.
"Do you want something else?"
Emily lowered her eyes and kept picking at the food in front of her.
She gave him a small shrug "I don't know what I want"
He put his finger under her chin and scooted closer to her.
Before Emily could register what was happening, he was kissing her.
He wasn't aggressive but it was still the kind of kiss you can't sell as a small peck or something that innocent.
It was a kiss.
Nothing less, nothing more.
"Ian-"
"It's nothing more than it is. And it doens't have to be anything more"
She felt herself get angry.
Why did he kiss him?
Why did he want her?
Why was he being nice to her just to get in her pants when he could have had any girl he wanted?
Why her?
"What do you want from me?"
"I told you"
"Oh so you want to fuck me whenever you want and say that I knew since day one that you weren't going to buy me flowers and take me out if I tried to ask more from you?"
"Keep it cool"
"Why?" her tone was lower but definitely angry.
"WHY?"
"Because you're hot ok? You're hot and I thought we could have fun but you're crazy and I'm not sure I want to have to deal with this anymore"
"So let me get it straight. You did all of this just so you could brag around about fucking the new girl?"
"It's not about bragging"
"Then what is it about?"
"I don't know. I just don't know. I told you, you're hot and I thought I'd try"
"I'm starting to get why the legend doesn't say you're nice" she took a small pause "It's because you aren't"
She angrily got up and left.
Once in her bed, she started playing with her pendat and she couldn't help the few tears that left her eyes.
This was such a mess.
She wanted to talk with JJ and Penelope.
With Spencer and Derek.
She wanted to beg them to forgive them.
To tell them she was a mess and apologise for being totally fucked up.
She wanted to bitch about Ian for thinking it was so easy to get in her pants.
But then she remembered Rome.
Maybe it was really that easy to get in her pants.
Maybe Derek was right.
She felt like vomiting and soon she realised it was really going to happen so she rushed to her bathroom and emptied her stomach.
She couldn't believe this happened.
She couldn't believe she was okay with sleeping with guys just to feel something.
She was seventeen for fuck's sake.
What was wrong with her? Why was she like that? Why couldn't she be a normal kid?.
She desperatly wanted someone to talk to but she couldn't.
She would have loved to knock on JJ's door and sob untill all these heavy weights were off her chest but she couldn't.
She vomited more when she realised that even if she was literally disgusted by Ian Doyle right now, she would still choose him over the amazing people she had out there.
Why?
Simple.
Because she didn't care about it.
If she didn't care about him as a friend and even a human being, she couldn't get hurt.
She couldn't believe she would something she despised so much just to protect herself from loving and getting hurt.
She knew she wasn't crying because Ian disappointed her.
She knew she wasn't crying because she thought he was going to be nice to her just for the sake of being nice.
She knew she wasn't crying because he was a jerk.
She didn't care about him.
She was crying because she was disgusted by herself.
She was crying because she was confused.
She was crying becayse she had no idea what was wrong with her.
She was crying because she was tired of feeling like shit all the time.
She was tired of the tears.
Of the pain.
She was tired of not having a single stable thing in her life.
She was tired of the mess she felt inside of her.
Of the anger.
She was tired of the anger.
The anger that was eating her alive and pushed her to do things she never thought she would. The anger that was turning her into someone she didn't want to be.
She was tired of the fear.
Of not being enough.
Of feeling even more pain.
She was scared the moment the let her walls down, everything would fall apart.
She was scared of having to leave.
And it was holding her back on everything.
On having fun.
On living her life.
On being happy.
On having friends.
On smiling more.
On laughing more.
On crying out of joy.
On falling in love.
Falling in love
She felt the tears burn her eyes.
She hated crying.
But she had no control on her body anymore. She let it all go. No one was there, she could let those walls down and just be.
Be herself, whoever it was.
Be the mess she desperatly tried to hide from everyone.
Be the human she didn't want to admit she was.
She felt her stomach turn and twist. The knot in it tightening leaving her out of breath.
She curled up in a ball and sobbed until her eyes closed and the storm inside of her quitened down to let her sleep.
The morning after she woke up and it took a while for her to register where she was.
In her bathroom.
On the floor.
She didn't remember falling asleep and for a while she didn't remember what had happened.
She rubbed her eyes and everything started coming back in flashes.
Ian.
The cake.
The fight.
The anger.
The tears.
And then, she guessed, sleep.
She checked her watch and realised she was late for school.
She reluctantly got off the floor and washed her face.
She let the water clear the day before out.
She decided to skip first period so she took her time, mostly because she really did not have she strenght to rush.
Once dressed, she looked at herself in the mirror.
For long seconds.
She didn't know how long she stared at her reflection.
Minutes probably.
Endless minutes.
Suddenly, she took a deep breath and in that moment she knew she had it all under control.
Yesterday was a distand memory in the back of her brain.
It barely belonged to her anymore.
She knew it because the moment she took that deep breath, she actually felt like she stopped breathing.
So she knew that she had put her mask back on.
And that's what she needed before getting out.
Not breathing was fine.
Not breathing was better.
Not breathing was the only thing that worked.
"I'm sorry Frank, I slept in" she murmured when she realised she forgot about Frank that had been waiting for her for god know how long.
"Don't worry about it"
And silently he drove her to school.
For the first time since she had arrived she was totally out of it.
She didn't hear a word any teacher said.
She didn't speak to any of the friends she knew were watching over her trying to figure out what was wrong with her.
She skipped lunch.
She pushed through the day and avoided Ian Doyle.
Once in a while she would see Penelope and every single time she felt like crying.
It was clear the girl wanted to get closer and talk to her.
Maybe even ask her how she was doing.
But she had scared everyone away. She had pushed them away even if they didn't deserve it because she didn't know how to deal with pain and loss.
She felt sorry for her and frustrated with herself for being the way she was.
For not being able to do better.
When she passed by her, though, she gave her a sweet, genuine, smile that even reah her eyes, but still made Penelope feel better.
It was like telling her that she was still there.
That she hand't cut them off completely.
That maybe, with time, things would get easier.
It was like thanking her for giving her the space the didn't really ask for but still got with anger and rejection.
Penelope lit up the moment she saw Emily aknowledge her and returned the smile.
It was Penelope's smile that reached Emily's eyes and she felt a little better.
Penelope didn't need words to help people.
All it took was a smile, or the single attempt to keep an eye on you while trying and failing to remain in the hide.
And then Emily did what she did best.
She ran.
"I came to your room last night"
Emily panicked
"You weren't there"
She thought she might actually pass out
"Did you have fun?"
What?
"I'm sorry?" she was confused.
"With your firends. Didn't you go out to celebrate?"
"Oh! Yeah sorry! I did. Lots of fun" she played it cool.
"I'm glad you're adjusting well"
"Same, everyone's great. It was easy" she lied "And I've definitely had worse" she lied more.
It wasn't easy at all.
She never had worse than this.
This sucked with flying colours.
Never once in her life she felt as bad as she did.
She held her pendant in her hand while thinking and closed her eyes to ground herself and not burst into tears in front of her mother at dinner for the first time in forever.
"How's school?" she asked.
"It's fine. I like it. Especially philosophy" she smiled at the thought of the lessons and loosened her grip on the pendant until she let it go completely.
"So I guess I'll nothing but good things when I'll go to the meetings"
"You'll actually go?"
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know. Something usually comes up so you end up asking them to email you everything you need"
"Honey, I should be able to go"
"Kay" she picked at her food.
"You don't like it?" she asked
"Not that I don't like how Josh cooks it's just that it's not the same" she referred to the italian food she missed so much.
Elizabeth smiled sadly at her daughter "You'll get used to it"
"We'll probably leave before I actually can but it's fine" she murmured.
She thought her mother didn't hear but the sigh that left her lips told her she did.
"May I be excused?"
"Emily, you barely ate"
"I had a snack before you came" it was true.
One more sigh and then a nod.
Emily picked her plate, put it in the sink and then ran to her room.
It was barely eight but she decided it was time to sleep.