Warning: Contains mentions of Bipolar Disorder and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I do not have either of these conditions, but I do have family friends that have them. Anyway, it is not my intention to offend anyone and I am very sorry if how I portray the conditions is wrong in any way. Please enjoy!
Phai had always been depressed and moody during the winter, or at least he had been since Alexander had met him at the age of fifteen. At the age of twenty, after a several years of witnessing this sudden change in his usually happy and vibrant then best friend Alexander had taken Phaedros to the biggest hospital in Michigan, where they had lived at the time. Once Phai was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with a side diagnosis of Seasonal Affective Disorder, otherwise known as Seasonal Depression or S.A.D., Alexander had made quick work of uprooting their lives and moving them to New York, where there were much better hospitals and doctors, or at least he believed so.
As this was the case, Alexander often came home to a very happy, very affectionate boyfriend, but there were times which were most common in the fall and winter seasons, where he would come home to a distressed household, with Phaedros curled on their bed with his eyes raw from crying even though tears still fell from his ocean-blue eyes. Peritas would always be curled on the floor by the bed, worried for his master.
Such was the case now.
Alexander had walked into the apartment at eight in the morning expecting to see the kitchen light on and a note from his boyfriend on the kitchen island saying that a plate of eggs and either sausage or bacon was in the fridge and that Phai had gone to his eight-in-the-morning class, but when he walked into the apartment and didn't find these things, which sometimes did happen, alarm bells went off in his head. Dropping his things where he stood by the door, he rushed to their bedroom, knowing his boyfriend needed him.
What he found broke his heart, just like every other time he had seen it. Peritas had snuck into their bed and was curled at Phaedros' feet while Alexander's boyfriend lay curled on his side of the bed, layered in at least three of Alexander's shirts, sobbing into his own pillow.
Silently going to the occupied side of the bed, he squatted down and pet Phaedros' long, brown hair away from his face. The touch was enough to get Phai to look at him and reach for him when he realized his boyfriend had come home.
"Phai…" Letting him cling to him, Alexander shifted them around so that he could lay in the bed too, Peritas having been shooed off the bed as soon as Alexander had seen what was happening with his lover. Once they were settled, Alexander drew Hephaestion in closer to him.
"It's okay to have a bad day… The doctors, your professor, and I understand if you need a day away from it all. Just relax, I'm here…"
"I got up at six… and by eight I felt so tired I crawled back into bed and I just couldn't get back up again! I'm useless! I can't do anything!"
"That's not true. You are not useless and you can do whatever you want to do. And I love you, just like I always have. Did you take your meds?"
"Yes… I know I did… That's the first thing I do every morning. But I just feel so lousy and I don't deserve you! I'm sorry I'm not a better-!"
"Phaedros Amyntoros, you stop that thought right there. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, no matter what. I love you, and I'm here for you, always. Now, I'm going to check your meds and then we're going to get you into a soothing bath, how's that sound?"
"Good…" Phai sniffed and wiped his eyes free of unshed tears, giving his lover a ghost of a smile, " 'm sorry…"
"Nothing to be sorry for, Love. I love all of you, all the time. Always. Never doubt that. Can you sit up for me? I'll get you into a warm bath before I check your meds and cook you something to eat. It'll be okay, I'm here, you are not alone."
"When I realized you were gone, I started to cry and couldn't stop…"
"I'm just a phone call away, you know that right? I'm never far from you. I couldn't live if I was."
"Don't say that… Please don't say that…" new tears fell from the corners of Phaedros' eyes, but he didn't truly begin to cry like he had been doing before.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," to settle his boyfriend down, Alexander pressed a soft kiss to his forehead as he was carrying him to the small bathroom. Being gentle with the love of his life, Alexander set Hephaestion on the closed lid of the toilet before standing to check the cabinet above the sink, where their medications, from the simple pain relief pills to Phai's medication were kept, going by the week with one of those weekly pill containers. The day's spot was empty of the two pills Hephaestion took every morning, so Alexander put the container back in the cabinet before turning back to his love and finally starting to fill the bathtub with warm water.
"I'm tired, Xander…"
"I know, Dearest. You can relax soon," Phaedros' doctors and counselors had advised Alexander on what kinds of things to say or not to say when his boyfriend was depressed or manic, or even somewhere in the middle. To say he wasn't tired or sad when he said he was was one of the top warnings. Alexander checked the heat of the water before effortlessly helping Phaedros out of one of Alexander's shirts and a pair of Phaedros' black boxer briefs, quickly dropping a kiss onto the distressed man's collarbone before coaxing him to lift a leg over the side of the tub and slip into the medium hot water. This did not stop a broken sob and a lone tear from coming from Phaedros as he stared down into the water, his head hung dejectedly. Alexander ran his fingers through his boyfriend's long hair that he loved so much as he too stripped and climbed into the bath.
His actions were met with a lifted head and a shocked -almost frightened- look from the man seated opposite him.
"Xan- what are you doing?"
"Thought you could use some company," Alexander smiled; there was no implication in his words or the simple gesture, the slightly younger man simply wanted his partner to feel his presence and feel strength from it.
"But- you-"
"Phai, listen to me. You are perfect to me. Your illness does not make you you. It is only a part of you. A small part. But I love all of you, illness or no. I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you can talk about the things you see and learn in class for hours. I love the way you get so engrossed in a book that nothing I do can draw your attention away from it. Those are the things that make you who you are, and I could not love you any less for any of them, and that includes your disorder. Do you understand? I love you."
There was a moment of silence after Alexander finished his speech, and then Phaedros spoke up while staring down into the water where his legs were spread to give Alexander some room to fit his own legs.
"Xan'er, I know you're absentminded and all, but-" here he let out an unintentional giggle-snort, "you can't just climb into the tub with your socks still on your feet!" he finally burst out laughing and Alexander could say without contest that Phaedros' laugh in that moment was the most beautiful, pure sound he had ever heard.