CHAPTER 4
The hand holding onto her forearm isn't demanding but it is firm, soft and warm, even through Clarke's blue jacket.
Suddenly dizzy, she's forced to close her eyes in contemplation and a weak attempt to put herself together.
As the representative of her people, Clarke can't be weak, she can't let Lexa affect her this way, she can't tremble with a simple touch and yet she is, Lexa's touch is shattering her.
She wants to run out without looking back but the very same idea makes her ache even harder than staying. A place away from the Commander isn't wanted anymore.
And it breaks her, the realization that she doesn't want to be away from Lexa because Lexa's voice is already too much, is already making her feel inadequate and so eager to stay here and talk, and listen. Oh, how she wants to listen.
"Please."
She shivers at how close the Commander seems to be standing behind her, her voice whispering near her ear and her resolve dissolves into thin air. The only time in the past she heard this soft tone in Lexa's voice still very present in her mind and the memory hurts her as much as it fills her with longing for something that was never real and never will be.
"Clarke?"
Raven's confusion and shock at this turn of events is palpable and if Clarke were to look away from the door she's currently facing, she'd see her friend trying to get to her and Lexa stopping her with a raised hand.
"Indra." Lexa calls aloud, her voice carrying on without any trouble to channel the Commander's order and Clarke still can't move, she's too preoccupied by the firm body pressed against her back.
"Heda?" Indra enters and respectfully vows her head in front of them.
"Take Raven of the Sky People outside to wait."
Raven's protest dies on her tongue when Clarke manages to nods at her direction. This discussion needs to happen after all and the sooner the better.
"Indra." Lexa calls again, the General stopping just outside. "She is not to be out of your sight."
With the General gone and the door finally closed Clarke takes a moment to recognize that Lexa didn't have to say anything to Indra in English, she could have spoken in their native language just like she has all the times in the past but for whatever reason she wanted her to understand what was being said.
Not for the first time Clarke wishes she'd have picked on Trigedasleng the way Octavia did because she needs it, maybe not right this second but she does.
She walks away from Lexa and she's only slightly surprised when the Commander doesn't resist her. She doesn't turn back to face her, not right away and it's stupid that now she needs to gathered the courage to even face this woman.
Clarke has always seen Lexa as untouchable but human. Since the first moment she saw her Clarke knew that Lexa, although young in age was someone much older than her in spirit and knowledge, and she hasn't been wrong.
From that first day they met the Commander has made it a mission to teach Clarke how to be a leader, how to be strong in mind, heart and body; and Clarke was eager to learn but her pride constantly pushed her to hide her weaknesses and ignorance, although she learnt a lot from Lexa and her condescending lessons.
Has she only been trying to survive though?
Grounders respect strength after all and Clarke has been immediately catalogued as the person in charge of the Arkers, the representative of her people even though she has been only trying to save her friends and defeat the men that were killing them. Love is weakness. She gets it, she really does but that doesn't mean that it's a concept she's willing to accept.
However, Lexa's green eyes shine darker now as she stares at her expectantly and hopeful. And the Commander is gone, Clarke can't see her anywhere, there is only Lexa, the woman.
It's almost ridiculous how collected and calm Lexa looks though, her face hiding every sign of concern and distress perfectly, but underneath that exterior Clarke is able to find a tell in her eyes, a minor one.
Lexa is looking at her as if nothing else existed around them, as if nothing else is worth seeing.
"I've lost the respect of your people."
It goes without saying because they both know that she's lost a lot more than that and gain a lot as well. However, Lexa's voice is different now that they're alone and it confuses Clarke to no end.
"You have."
Looking down Clarke begs her tears not to come, she curses herself and this endless need to cry because she can't do that here, she can't shed tears in front of this woman no matter how soft she speaks or how concerned she seems, Lexa still left her to die without looking back.
Her struggle doesn't go unnoticed. Lexa steps closer again, hands reaching out but never fully touching.
"Clarke, I did what I had to do. You must understand."
And her tone is impossibly softer now, as if she has a right to be broken along with Clarke, as if she feels her pain or listens to her monsters whispering in the dark.
Clarke know she doesn't, of course, Lexa didn't do what she did. This guilt is only for Clarke to bare, no one else's.
"I do."
"Do you?" Lexa presses, her eyes locking Clarke in. The worst part of being this close is that Clarke can see the turmoil in Lexa's eyes intensifying and maybe she isn't hunted by the deaths of the Mountain like Clarke is but Lexa is hunted and she is in pain.
"I need you to you understand that when I was called to lead my people I accepted to stop living for myself. My people comes first. I accepted this."
"I don't blame you for saving your people, Lexa."
"You blame me for leaving you behind."
There it is. That's the thought that's been rounding her head all this time. But does she really?
Rubbing her eyes and looking away Clarke is aware of the wet tracks on her cheeks but forcing herself to stop she realizes that she nothing to feel betrayed for.
They were at war and wars are won through sacrifice. She was left behind but that isn't what bothers her, surviving in a war is an accident itself, she knows this. The real issue is the person who left her behind and the means that were used to get there. The means were cruel.
And so when she meets Lexa's pained stared back she gives her nothing but the truth.
"I blame you for making me trust you, for making me believe that you care. There was no need for wicked games, you didn't need to manipulate me like that."
"I do care. I care for you, Clarke." Lexa is quick to assure but her walls are no longer present, none of them are and Clarke is almost terrified when she hears the tremble on the Commander's voice.
Lexa isn't just saying these words, she feels them, they are making her bleed, she believes them and her pleading tone should be telling enough.
"Taking that deal was the most difficult thing I've ever done as Commander but I had to listen to my head instead of my heart. Victory stands on the back of sacrifice."
"I don't think that represented much of trouble to you, or did it?" Clarke shoots back and Lexa takes a step back obviously not expecting this answer and unable to hide the hurt.
It takes only a moment for Lexa to figure something out and Clarke sees realization washing over the Commander's face like a white sheet that is being lifted and now she can see clearer.
"My head chose my people but I think you know the direction my heart was pushing me to. Do not ignore my pain."
"No more lies, Lexa. It's done. You got what you wanted and I fended for myself. No more games, there's no need."
"You believe I'm deceiving you."
Lexa swallows hard, her eyes turn impossible sadder. She's broken by this realization but Clarke won't see it.
"Please." Clarke huffs and closes her eyes tightly shut as the world spins around her. She's dizzy, dizzier than she ever was back in the Drop Ship.
"I understand that it's hard for you to trust me now, but you did it once. Can't you try it again?"
Lexa's voice is soft again but Clarke is getting dizzier by the second and her body feels heavier.
The first time Lexa admitted to care Clarke was shocked and a part of herself told her to not trust the Commander but she did, and although the surprise for what she was doing never left her she wanted to believe that Lexa did care, that maybe there could be something more because the declaration made her analyze her own feelings as well and how strong they have grown at the time.
"Why do you want this Alliance to happen?" She finds herself asking instead of offering the answer she knows Lexa is waiting for.
"My people wanted to eliminate you all, starting with you." She confesses through squared shoulders and a tight jaw. Clarke knows that Lexa isn't free of judgment among her own people.
"After what you did you became a threat but I believe that we can learn from each other and leave the past where it belongs. This is believed by many as well. I've seen the good in your people and you have proved yourself to be stronger than I ever thought you could be."
"Another war. You're telling me that this is your way to save our lives? To save me?"
"I'm not proud of what I did, Clarke. But I won't apologize for saving my people."
"I'm not asking you to."
"You shouldn't apologize either. You did what you had to do." Lexa says sympathetically and understanding but it does not evoke the expected reaction from Clarke.
"We're not talking about this." She shakes her head and reaches out to hold onto the edge of the table. When did the world begin spinning?
"You think I was always like this?"
Lexa isn't blind to the way Clarke is squeezing the wood to keep herself straight but they're talking about this and she needs Clarke to understand.
"This guilt you feel right now will turn into anger if you don't deal with it, anger leads you to make bad decisions and you cannot be selfish because you are a leader and leaders can't be weak, nor can they be away from their people. You can't be selfish."
"I thought we were done with the lessons."
Clarke sways and Lexa hurries to her side, her presence almost being suffocating to Clarke and it angers her how much she wants to put distance between them but how she finds herself wanting nothing more than to be held by Lexa.
"You never stop learning, Clarke. You can take this and grow from it or you can continue to hide in the middle of the woods, ignoring your people, ignoring yourself and letting your conscious devour you in the silence of the dark. Do not run from this, face your turmoil and defeat it."
A gentle hand on her elbow is holding upright, they're too close. Clarke can feel the heat emitting from Lexa's body and almost gets lost in it before she fully understand the Commander's words and she looks up, glaring into green piercing eyes that don't show a sign of regret.
"You were spying on me?"
"Ando was protecting your perimeter while you slept away for days. I was just keeping an eye on you."
"You were spying on me." Her voice raises but she doesn't step back as Lexa raises her chin higher, unwilling to apologize or admit to a wrongdoing.
"I was merely protecting you."
"After you sold me out!"
And all that anger is coming back, mixed with all the pain she's been trying to swallow down.
"After you left me to die, after you violated our truce and decided that my people and I weren't worth fighting for!"
On her part, Lexa looks chastised but that's as far as Clarke is going to get and she knows it but the farthest she steps into the Commander's space the farthest they walk back because Lexa doesn't stop her.
It's almost like a déjà vu, only this time there isn't a table behind Lexa to stop her advances and Clarke is only growing angrier.
"Now you're telling me that you were protecting me instead of rejoicing in my weakness?!"
She wants to laugh at the absurdity of that statement and it angers her how shaken her voice comes out. She doesn't want Lexa to see how much this affects her.
"I could never rejoice in your weakness, Clarke."
The brunette softly admits, her eyes now speaking a different language that Clarke confuses with vulnerability.
"I don't believe you."
"I've never lied to you."
"And yet, here you are telling me more lies."
Lexa takes a deep breath, opens her mouth but whatever she planned to say gets stuck in her throat and for a moment she looks completely lost.
"This is more difficult than I thought it would be. You are not seeing things clearly."
Clarke is about to agree but decides against it. Lexa can be talking about anything while Clarke is only thinking about being in Lexa's presence.
But slowly, very slowly she's starting to feel like herself again, however the knot in her throat doesn't disappear and the images of hundreds of innocents lying dead on clean floors still flash through her mind with every single blink of her eyes.
Will she ever forget?
"You don't leave someone to die and then expect them to just forget it." Clarke says disbelievingly and answering her own question.
"I didn't think you'd…"
Perhaps noticing her own slip Lexa shuts her mouth close before finishing that sentence and turns away from Clarke.
"That I'd live?"
Grabbing her elbow Clarke turns the Commander back around to face her and it doesn't matter that she says nothing in return, the implication was very clear.
"Everyone knew you'd turn on us. Everyone but me. I trusted you."
The tears are stinging at her eyes again and to hell if Lexa's breathing is hitching, to hell if she's finding it hard to breath or even look at Clarke!
The dizziness hits her hard though and Clarke sits down before falling on her face. Lexa remains quiet.
Her head is spinning rapidly, her stomach is twitching and she knows she'll be sick again. The problem is trying to see what brought this reaction to surface and Clarke wants to believe that it is because she hasn't eaten for two days but she knows that remembering the betrayal has a physical strong effect on her as well that she can't ignore and that apparently affects her physically. This treachery, this stab carries such a heavy weight that it literally makes her sick to think about.
"It was not my intention, Clarke. I didn't agree to an Alliance with your people with the wish to betray you."
Lexa's voice carries on no longer soft or caring, but rather disappointed. It doesn't sound like the Commander at all.
"And yet you did."
Looking back up she can see Lexa's muscles tensing, her jaw setting and her chest puffing out.
Such an unbreakable fort, such a force to be reckon with. How could she have ever thought that she could trust this person? This person who is obviously bound to live and die for her people and owns Clarke absolutely nothing.
"I cannot talk about the past anymore, Clarke. We need to move on. I need you to move on."
"I'm not ready to let go."
Clarke admits out loud. She hasn't even started to try to move on and she doesn't feel ready yet. She doesn't have the strength.
"And I know you believe this to be weakness but I won't let you strip me from the last amount of humanity I have left. You may be okay with it, your people may be okay with it but I'm not, and I don't want to be."
"I would never dream to do that." There she goes, sounding as if Clarke's has hit her in the stomach again. Offended and hurt.
"You are incredibly flexible as a leader, Clarke. You choose with you head without ignoring your heart and that's something I cannot do."
"No more lessons." Clarke asks tiredly.
"This isn't a lesson I'm teaching you. This is a lesson I'm learning from you."
The dizziness becomes impossible to ignore and slowly but surely, Clarke's consciousness slips away.
…
Lucidity comes the same way as the arms of sleep surrounded her earlier, slowly at first and then embracing her whole at once.
She feels fur against her cheek, she perceives a sweet hot and musty smell that is so Lexa that her chest immediately tightens, the tears are surely coming but she fights them back, barely controlling them. She fists the soft and warm fur in her hands, willing herself to not cry in this bed.
"Good morning sleeping beauty."
Clarke blinks herself awake at hearing Raven's voice, the morning light almost blinding her as she opens her eyes to find her friend sitting next to her on the slight large bed she's been sleeping.
And she knows where she is even without confirmation.
"Morning?"
Raven nods but Clarke already knows this. Did she really sleep through an entire night?
"You were out for the rest of the afternoon and the whole night."
Raven fills her in while holding a small wooden plate in her hands and looking like she hasn't slept all night.
"I cut some fruits for you and you better eat because I'm not letting you out of this bed until you have eaten all of this."
Clarke takes the plate but not without hesitation. It's been so long since someone took care of her and even longer since she had breakfast in bed.
Lexa's bed.
"Where is she?"
Raven follows the slice of apple she picks up until it disappears in her mouth and she doesn't meet her stare.
"Something about a fight between two hunters by the river. She left not long ago."
"Was she here the entire night?"
Clarke hates to sound as eager for information as she does but she can't truly help herself, when it comes to Lexa it's like she wants to know everything there is to her.
"Yeah." Raven admits, the bags under her eyes reminding Clarke that her friend hasn't slept and she feels guilty for feeling so well rested, but, oh, how she's missed to sleep somewhere comfortable.
Is that the way she's been paying her dues unconsciously? By denying herself food and appropriate shelter?
Is her life enough to pay the debt she has against humanity?
"She sat right here the entire night." Raven pats the foot of the bed as she continues and she's obviously holding back so much, but she doesn't give in to her own curiosity. "She refused to leave until this thing with the hunters came up. She had their doctor checking on every few hours too."
Why would Lexa sit by her side for hours? If she didn't think Clarke to be weak before, then she surely does now.
How could she have been so stupid? So weak?
Or maybe Lexa really cares about her.
"Why would she do that? Why would she sit there all night?"
"I don't know. It was nerve-wracking to be honest. I couldn't sleep thinking that they were going to slit our throats open or something. I've never been scared of her until last night."
"Everyone at the Ark probably thinks that's what happened."
"Nah, some guy named Ando went there last night to inform them that we were spending the night." Raven pushes the plate back up to remind Clarke that she was serious about her eating and for the next few minutes she focuses on the food which turns out to be more exhausting than she remembers.
Has chewing always tired her?
"We should get going." Clarke pushes the plate away but not before Raven catches it to inspect it with a critical eye.
"How you feeling?"
"I'm fine, mom."
It catches them both by surprise how funny they find the comment and it's unlikely to make something like this light enough to share a laugh without really forgetting how serious Clarke's state has turned over the last few week but it almost feels normal at the same time.
Two weeks ago, the thought of spending the night in Lexa's headquarters would have freaked Clarke out but now she finds it funny how unimportant this matter seems to her right now. This is only a room and this is only a bed, no matter how the owner is.
Yes, she still feels embarrassed and she is a hundred per cent sure that this isn't appropriate leader behavior from her part but it's the best she can do right now and it'll have to do until she can do better.
"I'll get our horses, you get ready to leave, okay?"
With Raven gone to fetch Sky and Screwdriver, Clarke is left to wander in the small space by herself.
Slowly she walks back to the bed and sits on it with her hands stretched out to feel the fur under her palms and she doesn't know why she's doing it, just that she needs to.
This is where she sleeps, this is where she doesn't wear any masks, where in the dark, alone and for a few hours a day Lexa can be who she truly is without worrying of prying eyes and Clarke has the enormous need to know that Lexa.
It's painful, really, the way her heart aches for being so close and yet a world away from this person at the same time, this person who has taught her the true meaning of hurt and longing, and trust and heartbreak.
Her hands grip the soft feather like pillow that she slept on and without thinking, without an ounce of self-preservation kicking in she buries her face in that pillow, she breathes in deeply and wishes to never forget this scent. This smell of herself mixed with Lexa's.
But it can't last and since it's becoming a habit of making herself a fool in front of Lexa, the Commander clears her throat and Clarke opens her eyes but doesn't hurry to leave the pillow down and turn around.
She does count the steps getting closer as she sits on the bed again though.
"I've been thinking all night about what you said yesterday."
Lexa's voice is still soft and hard at the same time, low but firm, and Clarke looks up to find that she's wearing her armor today, her sword is securely strapped to her back and two knives are on her belt, a light layer of sweat covers her skin and Clarke can't help but wonder if she had to kill any of the two hunters Raven mentioned before.
It seems so normal to have to kill in this world, so necessary that is wrong.
"Clarke."
There is something different about Lexa this morning though, something Clarke can't put her finger on, so she looks intently, trying to see if she can figure it out in Lexa's eyes but like every other time that she's tried to read the Commander, she comes out blank.
"I won't apologize for what I did to save my people but I can apologize for what I did to you."
Carefully Lexa sits beside Clarke without breaking eye contact but the blond still can't see anything that isn't determination and tranquility, perhaps even acceptance.
"Go on then." She incites.
A shattered breath leaves Lexa's lips and her stare transforms into one that Clarke has never seen before and it seems to shatter Clarke as much as it does Lexa.
"I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry for making you believe that I was deceiving you and I'm sorry for coming back to your life like this."
There are no masks to force her way through and no matter how hard Clarke tries to find them, she can't.
Perhaps this is who Lexa truly is, maybe she's finally getting a glimpse of who this woman really is behind the walls that she's built to protect herself and it's so confusing and terrifying, yet amazing to watch.
"Clarke." Lexa's tone turns even softer, more shaken. It's obvious how trying this is proving to be.
"It makes me feel defeated." The confession falls through a broken gasp and the blonde knows that these words are hard for Lexa to speak loud.
But Clarke's heart beats wildly, a sinking feeling settling on her stomach and she just knows that nothing good can come next.
"You make me feel weak and it scares me because you cloud my mind and I'm constantly wondering about your opinion before I make a choice."
"Why are you doing this?" She asks, conflicted and more than defensive.
"Because I need you to know that I never lied to you and I never will. I know this is hard for you to believe because it is hard for me to accept but it is the truth."
It's unbelievable how Lexa would fall back into the same lies for no other reason than to keep Clarke under her thumb. It's heartbreaking to know that Lexa would play her like this, and for what?
"The truth is that I don't believe a word you say that doesn't concern the safety of your people anymore."
"Clarke, don't." Lexa begs softly and reaches out only to have Clarke step back.
"I accept your apology but I won't stand to be toyed with again. Don't talk to me about personal matters again. Ever again."
…