TROLLING THE LAND OF OZ
'Cuz sometimes it's fun to be a troll, you know?
CHAPTER i: TIME TROLLING
Well, apparently Mr. Universe won't let me troll him to make time go faster right here -
The BlackBerry plays its 'receive text' sound. I check the time - it's three hours after I first turned on the phone.
Maybe I'm supposed to slow down time everywhere else. Yeah.
At least I know I have trolling rights.
But... wait. How do you answer a text on this thing?
I swear it's about ten minutes before I find the 'Reply' button.
It's on the touch screen.
cya, Coraline texts. I know it's the last one, so I put it in my pocket. Who cares if I might end up butt-dialing?
I slow down time everywhere else and run for the hills.
I need to get to my castle quickly.
Eventually, I get to the of the guards approach me, their feathery, dirty-gray wings stuck to their backs like they were glued there.
"Whaaaaaaat ihssss yoooooooor bihhhsssssnnuhhhhssss heeeeer?" one of them asks me. It's speaking so slow that it's completely unnatural and freaky-sounding.
It lowers its spear in slow motion, robotically.
"I have urgent news!" I shout, acting my part of 'distraught messenger'.
"Whaaaaaaaat?" the other one asks.
"I said I have urgent news!" I shout again, getting angry.
"Weeeeee caaaaaaann't uhhhnnduuurssssstaaaaaaannnnd yoooooo," they say.
"Why no-"
Oh. Wait. I'm still trolling time.
I wonder for a moment what my voice must sound like at 20x speed.
I stop my trolling.
"This better?"
"Yes," they say. Now they sound normal.
"Well, I have urgent news! I need to see your king immediately! It concerns war!"
"A war?" the first one asks with no enthusiasm. The other one just stares at me.
"Yes!" I say, hoping that I'm fooling them with my 'distraught messenger'.
"Follow us," the other one says. This time the other one stares at me as we walk in the castle.
On the way, I call Coraline.
After being ranted at in text form, I discover that the throne room is right up ahead.
The king is sitting on his throne playing Diablo 3. I can tell because he's swearing at a group of unicorns to 'go crawl up all your asses and die'.
His avatar is also shooting them with a sniper rifle.
Eventually he looks up, sees me, and begins talking, while still absorbed in the bright, cheery colors of Whimsyshire.
"So..." he says, still fiddling with the controller. "What do you want - DIE ALREADY, STUPID PONY! - to tell me?"
His character throws a grenade at a group of pink ponies, which violently explode in a flash of blood.
I can't help but think that maybe the skeleton-things should have hired him to get rid of their fairy-tale forests.
"Well, the Munchkins declared war on you," I say. He shows no concern.
I watch as he blows up another group of ponies. "Can I play?"
"You any good?"
Three hours later, we've moved on to World of Warcraft.
"So, I have no idea how to defeat this boss," he tells me.
"Oh, he's easy," I lie, taking his mouse.
I troll the servers with my mind. I allow my weapon - or his, really - to do 500,000 damage a hit, and tap the boss in his crotch.
It dies immediately, and I begin the long trek back to the quest collector to turn it in.
"Seriously?" the Flying Monkey King says. He sounds quite pissed. "You just have to hit him in his balls?"
"Yep," I say, lying through my teeth.
"Well, that's easy, then," he says. "Didn't know Blizzard was run by perverts..."
I laugh at his insights.
"Go win the war for me," he tells me. "Turn the Munchkins into fucking DUST, got that, Ted? I'll help you when I reach level 100. Thanks, dude."
He's only at level 83, but I don't bother to point that out. More time for me to have complete control in his army.
I make my way to the roof of the castle. I set up one of the missiles and prime it for launch.
(A/N): I have never played WoW or Diablo 3, but I decided that this would be very funny, so I made up my own stuff for it.
As you probably already know, Blizzard is not run by perverts (well, we can't be sure...) and the Flying Monkeys don't play Diablo 3. They play Tetris. Get it right.
I do know that Whimsyshire is real (from Diablo 3). I saw a YouTube video that showed how to get there. That's proof enough, right?