Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Author's Note: Big thanks to Ray Cullen, MimiMiami, Catspector, and Guest for their support. I'm glad you all liked it. This chapter is AGNST. -trigger for abuse- Also, I'm thinking about there only being one or two more chapters (unless you really just want more) before this little story is wrapped up, so I hope you enjoy it!

Rosalie's POV

My clothes were dripping wet and cold against my body. The rain was beating down like how a toddler bangs on drums with uncontrollable chubby fists. My marble skin was already cold and lifeless, but the freezing drops of water that clung and made my clothes stick to me made we want shiver. My teeth wanted to chatter, but I gritted them down in irritation.

As we ran through the woods, retracing our steps from earlier, it dawned on me how long this day truly felt. Several hours ago, I had been at high school. I was trudging through the halls of that lame ass school, walking proudly as I felt the eyes of my classmates roaming all over me. The thought reminded me that I had homework due tomorrow, which was rather unfortunate. I really wasn't in the mood to do calculus after tonight.

We approached the car and I took it upon myself to drive. I knew that Esme wasn't in any state to try and operate a vehicle. She made her way to the driver side, accepting my decision without any complaint. Once we climbed in, she handed me the keys. I started the engine and hesitated to let the engine warm up. I was planning on driving much faster than this car was used to.

The events from the night replayed in my mind as I began driving towards the house. I shuddered as I considered Esme coming alone. I wondered the outcome would have been different. I considered what would have happened if I had come alone. What If I had said yes originally? Dozens of different possibilities scattered around in my mind. I was overwhelmed with the what ifs and swallowed harshly. The taste of my venom made me want to wretch it out. There was no reason to dwell on what could've happened. What happened is what matters and I needed to try and deal with that now.

I lost control of myself tonight.

Out of the corner or my eyes, Esme brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them. Her chin rested on knees and she looked out the window, watching as the water smacked against the glass. Single droplets raced each other down the glass and I wondered if she was secretly rooting for one of them to win. She usually did silly things like that.

I took a breath, trying to force myself to relax, and instead felt myself tense. Immediately, I flung my hand forward, turning the air off. It wasn't even blowing that hard, but the potent smell of Bella's clothes was wafting towards me. Her clothes, wet from the rain, were somehow more tantalizing than they had ever been before.

My throat clenched, and I felt the familiar fire building up. My mind was reeling and suddenly only one desire was present. It was like a child throwing a temper tantrum, screaming and crying to try and get that one thing it needs more in the world. There was an easy way to make the kid stop kicking and making a scene, and that solution was to drink the lovely blood that was singing to me from the scent of Bella.

"Esme," I said, holding my breath. "I can't take the smell,"

Esme flicked her eyes up at me with confusion. I trailed my gaze to her clothes and she looked down, her expression shocked.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked, looking worried that I was uncomfortable. Her face was twisted with many emotions, a swirl of fear and that spark of maternal instinct that I had loved from the instant I met her. She picked at the wet clothes, pulling them off her skin a bit. The sight made my throat clench with want.

Bite her.

Sink your teeth into her skin and feast upon the warmth that is rushing inside of her.

"Get them out of the car, please," I screamed out in agony, my voice breaking at the end. I tried to hold my breath, gripping the steering wheel too tight.

No. No. Don't bite her. She isn't a human. It's just the smell, you idiot.

Esme bit her lip before she began to strip the clothes from her body. She pulled off the shirt first, folding it as neatly as possible given how wet it was. Then she unbuttoned and unzipped the pants. She gathered the clothes and rolled down the window, leaning back out into the rain. She tossed the clothes into the bed of the truck and lowered herself back into the seat. Her hair was soaked, dripping down running rivers of water across her bare body.

She wore a black laced bra that pushed up her chest, making her curvy figure look even more voluptuous. The bra was certainly something she could wear to get her way if she was trying to persuade someone. It was suggestive, and I briefly wondered if she had been planning on seducing Carlisle after baseball. While thinking about my parents in that way wasn't the most pleasant, I knew she was a hopeless romantic and seeing Edward in love had sparked her in such a positive way.

Her underwear was a lilac shade that reminded me of a sunset I had seen many years ago. It had been in the early days of our time in Tennessee. It was a few nights before I found Emmett. I climbed to the roof and watched it, hoping for something more to come. The underwear looked to be a silk like material, and had the situation been different, I would have asked her where she got them from.

If I thought my mother had looked vulnerable earlier, her sitting soaking wet in just her undergarments was certainly icing on the cake.

I considered giving her my shirt, but the tears in it wouldn't have made a difference. My midriff was showing, and you could see the bottom part of my red bra. She would have been exposing herself no matter what.

I started driving the car, speeding with a rapid intention of getting away from everything that had happened.

The smell of Bella was still strong, but it became a little bit more bearable without her clothes. Something was wrong with me. Was I really going to sink my teeth into Esme just because of the smell of a human? I mean, I did pretend that Victoria had human blood, so maybe…. No. I would never do that to Esme. I would never mistake a vampire for a human, that was utterly ridiculous. I was just flustered still from earlier and not thinking straight.

Esme crossed her arms insecurely across her body and gave me a curious look. It suddenly occurred to me that this could have been triggering to her given her recent state, but she didn't seem any worse. She just seemed the same; distant, with her thoughts fleeting in dangerous directions. I flinched as I thought of her human husband snatching her by her the hair. He probably forced her to take off her clothes, pulling her in whatever sick way he wanted. I had probably forced her to relive a humiliating memory because I couldn't control myself around a human scent.

I was pathetic.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, unable to make eye contact with her.

"Rosalie." She said my name in the softest way possible, like how a flower would feel with little drops of dew. "Are you okay?"

"I…" I trailed off, shutting my eyes for a moment. "I bit Victoria."

Esme's eyes widened at this news, but she didn't seem upset by it. "You did what you had to do. I know I wasn't any help and-"

"I bit her, and I wanted it to be a human. The thought of having her blood rushing into my mouth was so clear. It felt so real. All I could see in that moment was a flash of red. I bit her! I've never bit another vampire, and then I imagined it was a human…And now I just keep picturing Bella's neck, bare and exposed before me. Her blood gushing through a thick vein that is just inviting me to suck her dry. Her smell is overwhelming me and that voice inside of me, that animalistic one that we try so hard to ignore, it wanted me to bite you. Oh, my God, Esme! I'm a monster! How could I even think if biting you? I'm so sorry!"

I was hysterical, sobbing tears that could never fall. My body was shaking rapidly, and noises were coming out me that were so completely unintelligible and yet oh so uncontrollable.

"What if I can't control myself next time? I haven't slipped up in so long. Oh, God! Where is this sudden desire for human blood even coming from? It's always there, but right now I want it more than I want anything. I feel like the desire is stronger. Seeing her red eyes, knowing she can have what we deprive ourselves of. Knowing that we are going to have to be spending a lot of time with Bella. Esme, I fantasized about killing Edward's girlfriend!"

I felt like a newborn again. My emotions were all over the place. I had been so angry earlier and now I was so devastated with myself. What was wrong with me? Was I not meant to deal with everything in the same way as everyone else? Jasper wasn't having a breakdown, and I knew he was thinking about murdering Bella and half of our high school every day he showed up to class. Emmett admitted to me just the other day that he was nervous, but it had been just an offhand comment. Not some massive hysteric fit. Why was no one else having a break down like me? It was really just so unfair that this was happening.

"We all feel the blood lust for humans. It's part of who we are. You desiring Bella is not shameful," Esme said, trying her best to sound firm for my own sake.

"I desire Bella in more than one way," I said, hating myself as I heard the words. "I desire her mortality. I desire how she can have everything I've ever wanted. She's risking all of that for Edward, and it makes me so mad. No one else understands, Esme. Alice doesn't want children. Jasper doesn't. Emmett might, but he would never bring it up with me. The same with Carlisle. They think that I'm just this awful bitch who hates Bella. I don't hate her! Sure, she isn't the brightest girl or the most personable, but I don't hate her. I hate that she is giving up everything that matters! And now I just want to drink all of her blood…"

I pulled the car off into the long edge of our driveway and put it in park. We were close enough to the house that the boys would catch our scent, and I was not in any shape to continue the drive. My body was shaking, and I was taking bug gulps of breath. The rain outside was starting to let up finally, but my cries were only just beginning to enter the wrath of its own storm.

"I'm stuck in this body! This awful eighteen-year-old body! And I'll never have children because I'm stuck! All I can have are these terrible thoughts about ripping into the throats of humans. I bit Victoria. I wanted to bite you. I want to bite Bella. Am I insane? Surely, something must be wrong with me?"

Esme had remained silent after I spilled out my heart, and I had been too coward to look and see her reaction. I heard her take a deep breath and tried to stifle my sorrow as she began to speak.

"She grabbed my hair," she was speaking in a whisper, as if it somehow would make what she was saying less painful. "Her hands were so rough and I thought they were his. I was paralyzed. Frozen. I always thought that if someone treated me that way again, I would spring to defend myself, because now I can protect myself. I'm supposed to be indestructible. But I locked up. I couldn't fight back, and I was Esme Evenson again. I was in that house…"

She trailed off and I looked over to her, trying to urge her to continue. It seemed she was avoiding my eyes now.

"Everything was blurry, how most of our human memories are. I don't know what I was doing. Maybe cooking dinner? Or cleaning a table? Whatever it was, he wasn't happy. In a flash, he had snatched me by the hair and I fell to the ground. The smell of alcohol was so clear, I can feel the hairs on my neck stand up as he breathed on my neck. I tried to fight back. I scratched him. I don't know how hard, but I know I scratched him, and then he grabbed my wrist," her left hand fluttered its fingers over her right wrist. "He broke it. I think…I think he stepped on it? With those big brown shoes that he used to wear. I can remember the sound of the bone snapping, like my limb was just a tree branch."

I swallowed, looking at her small wrist. My hand went to touch my own, considering what that might be like. Royce had been good to me until that final night. I hadn't suffered years of physical toil. I knew one tragic night and that was enough to make me jaded and resentful of so many things. He had taken my future from me in one night, but he hadn't broken down my will to fight. In fact, he had ignited it.

"I'm supposed to be indestructible," she repeated. "What good is being indestructible when your mind is broken?"

I wanted to respond. So desperately, I wanted to say something back. I wanted to tell her that her mind wasn't broken. I wanted her to know that there were days when I couldn't even stand the thought of Emmett touching me because a man's hands were the most repulsive thing in the world. I wanted her to know that I understood what it was like to be so disgusted with yourself for being a victim in this vampire body. I wanted to say so many things, but all I could muster was a pathetic whimper.

"I couldn't even bring myself out of it when I knew you were in danger. I was so scared to move because what if he broke my other wrist? What if he made do things…" she shivered, biting down on lip so hard I thought it might bleed if she was human. "As if he was still alive. I kept screaming at myself, 'He is dead! Edward killed him. Even if he was alive, you're a vampire!'. And I just sat there, stuck in a daze, while you were in danger! What kind of mother am I? What mother just sits there and watches their child in danger?"

The two of us finally looked at each other and let out broken sobs together.

Neither of us could offer any comfort for the other and I knew that neither of us were upset with each other. We were apologizing to each other, when really it was ourselves we needed forgiveness from. I could've bit Esme. I could've ripped her throat out and she would forgiven me not a second later. But, that wasn't the point. The point was the disgust I felt of myself, the mountain of guilt that I had to try to climb. I knew the same was for Esme.

In an instant, I could smell Emmett and Carlisle's scent. The rain had all but stopped. It was a dull drizzle that spattered the windshield with a thin layer of mist. Esme and I were still crying pitiful noises. My makeup was running down my face and her caramel hair was a muddy color that fell limply around her face. I felt like our sobs got louder as the boys approached us, but maybe I was just consciously becoming aware of how loud we were crying.

This day had mentally broken us. We had sacrificed a great deal, and I knew I wasn't the only one who was uncertain of the cost.

The broken look on my husband's and father's face was enough to tell me that the cost might not have been at too high of a price.