A Rather Unwelcome Burden

Chapter 4

"So, it's agreed, then; we both hate Dave."

"Yup."

Houndour and Nidoran both glared at Dave from their spot underneath the tree. The rain had been pouring down for several hours ever since Dave had decided to tempt fate, and received a proverbial slap to the balls for it.

Unfortunately for the rest of Team Schism, they also took the slap to the balls. As a result, they were all pissing blood.

Proverbially, of course. In reality, the three were simply stuck underneath the tree.

After a while of being stuck in an enclosed space with Dave, however, it seemed as though the rest of the team would willingly take a real slap to the balls if it meant getting out of the rain, bloody piss or not.

Thus, it was unanimously decided between both Nidoran and Houndour to separate from Dave, until the storm passed by.

The storm, however, had different plans.

"Will this fucking storm ever stop?" Houndour asked, as he glared up at the sky.

"You know, it's times like these I wish I had stayed in my cave," Nidoran said.

Houndour scowled. "Well, you're part of the team now, so get over it."

"Hey, guys! Can I come back over, yet?" Dave shouted, from his position underneath another tree several yards away.

"Shut up, Dave," Houndour and Nidoran said at the same time.

"Well, fine!" Dave said, as he turned his back to them with a huff.

Houndour sighed. Honestly, he was quite surprised they hadn't been killed-the entire team seemed to radiate with incompetence.

His musings were interrupted when Nidoran tapped him on the shoulder. Houndour looked at her, then noticed that she was stifling a laugh and pointing above Dave's head.

Houndour felt his gaze wander back to Dave, then up to the branches.

He couldn't help but laugh at what he saw.

Dave turned back to Nidoran and Houndour. "What's so funny?" he asked.

The two completely lost it. They began rolling around on the ground, clutching their sides and guffawing loudly.

Dave scowled. "What's so funny?"

Houndour managed to stop laughing long enough to catch his breath. He began sucking in mouthfuls of air, before finally deciding that he could form a coherent sentence.

"Dave," he said, "there's a spinarak above your head."

"Oh, ha ha, guys. This is revenge for the rain, isn't it?" Dave asked, as he tilted his head upwards.

Upon seeing the spider, he let out a scream that even a high-pitched adolescent schoolgirl dragging her nails on a chalkboard while listening to Slipknot would have cringed at.
The spinarak, upon hearing Dave scream, began to panic. He desperately tried to scramble up his web, but ended up losing his grip in his hastiness. To prevent himself from hitting the ground (and, consequently, becoming a stain on the grass), he grabbed ahold of the nearest object.

The 'nearest object' in this case, however, happened to be Dave's face.

Dave, upon recognizing that his face was now being used as a doormat for a spider, completely lost his shit. He began to run in circles around the tree trunk, screaming the entire time.

"I'VE GOT A SPIDER ON MY HEAD!" he yelled. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! DAMMIT, SOMEONE GET A NEWSPAPER, OR SOMETHING!"

Houndour shared a brief look with Nidoran before turning back to Dave. "Should we do something?"

"No, he's got it under control," Nidoran replied, "I mean, just look at him."

At this point, Dave was doing little more than rolling around on the ground, scratching desperately at his face in a vain attempt to remove the spinarak.

"No, Ricky Bobby, you ain't on fire!" Houndour yelled.

"Oh, sure, you've got time to crack jokes, but will one of you take the time to help me?" Dave shouted in anger.

"Dave, it's just a spider," Nidoran said.

"Finally, one of you understands the problem!" Dave yelled.

Nidoran rolled her eyes. "Okay, it's not funny anymore," she said, as she walked over to Dave, picked up the spinarak, then placed it on the tree trunk.

The spinarak NOPED the fuck out of there as fast as its legs would allow it.

Her work completed, Nidoran walked back over to Houndour, then laid down.

"What about Dave?" Houndour asked.

Nidoran waved a paw. "He's out cold. Either he was injected with some poison, or he's too much of a whiney baby to deal with one spider by himself. Hell, it might have been both-this is Dave we're talking about, after all."

"So, our friend-"

"Your friend."

"My friend may be dying of a spider bite, and we're just going to leave him there and let nature take its course?"

"That's the plan, yes."

Houndour stared at Nidoran in silence for several seconds before speaking again.

"I like this plan."

Meanwhile…

Dave awoke with a stir. "Ugh…I feel like I was just forced to kiss another man by a little girl, beat up beyond recognition, crapped on by the universe and its sense of extreme irony, and bitten by a spider."

"That's because you were, Dave."

Dave grimaced. "I'm dreaming again, aren't I?"

"Yes. Now, shut up, for I have something important to say."

"What about?"

"The plot, Dave."

"Uggggggggh…"

"Shut up and listen!"

"But this whole plot's convoluted beyond belief, and-"

Dave stopped as he felt something clamp itself around his mouth.

"Shut up, Dave! Now, I must tell you this; there's going to be an earthquake. Don't ask why, there's just going to be one."

Dave felt whatever was holding his mouth shut release its grip on him. "But-"

"Please save all questions until the end."

"But I-"

"Look, buddy-this may be just a dream, but you're still stuck in the body of a fucking electric cat. I can neuter you whenever I want. Just say it, and I'll have Bob Barker and a pair of hedge clippers in here faster than you can say, "Genital mutilation". Got it?"

Dave gulped. The last thing he wanted was to have his testicles removed by a senile old man with gardening equipment.

He was kind of attached to his testicles, after all.

"So, to recap; there's going to be an earthquake. Why doesn't matter. Also, you kissed a dude yesterday."

"What does that have anything to do with this?"

"Nothing. Just didn't want you forgetting it any time soon."

"I find myself hating you more and more each and every time I come here."

"The feeling's mutual. Now get the fuck out of my lava lamp."

Dave felt someone kick him in the side. Grumbling, he stood up, let out a yawn, then turned to see who had kicked him.

To his surprise, he found no one there.

"Ahem."

Upon hearing the voice, Dave looked down at the ground. "Did you say something, dirt?" he asked.

"Is this guy retarded, or something?"

"Yes," Houndour said, as he walked over to stand next to Dave, who glared at him.

"Ah. Well, that answers a few of our questions, then."

"Would you mind showing yourselves?" Houndour asked.

"Certainly."

Houndour was suddenly hurled into the tree as a massive mound of dirt erupted from beneath him. Dave watched him fly several meters away, then land in the branches.

"And the field goal's good," he said, before turning back to the dirt. "So, what did you need, dirt?"

"First off, we're called Dugtrio. Second of all, we already don't like you. Finally, we need you to go rescue our kid."

Dave facepawed. "Fuckin' really? More kids? Houndour, you hear this shit?"

"I refuse to answer that until someone gets me a ladder to climb down."

Nidoran laughed. "What's wrong, Houndour? Afraid of heights?"

"Terribly. Now will you please help me get down?"

"Certainly," Nidoran said, as she took several steps back and lowered her head.

Houndour's eyes widened. "Actually, I've changed my mind. It's quite nice up here. Yup, no reason to come down."

"Too late," Nidoran said, as she charged at the tree trunk at full speed. The resulting headbutt shook the entire tree down to its roots, and caused Houndour to fall about nine feet to the ground.

Dave turned back to Dugtrio. "Now, you were saying something about a kid?"

"Yes, yes we were. There was an earthquake at this one place last night, and this one douchebag named Skarmory thought we did it, so she fucking stole our kid."

Dave blinked. "Is that all?"

"Yes it is. Honestly, we don't even know why we're here, man-Diglett's probably been eaten by now, or something. If that's the case, just bring us back the bones so we have something to use as support beams for our many caves and tunnels, so they won't collapse when our armies finally invade the surface world."

"Well, we'll see what we can do," Dave said, as he watched Dugtrio dig its way back underground. Once he was certain Dugtrio was gone, he turned to the rest of his team.

"We've got a job to do, guys," he said.

Houndour groaned in response, while Nidoran sat in place, fidgeting with her bow.

"Oh, come on! Where's your team spirit?"

"In the shitter, along with my good mood," Houndour said.

"I don't like the ground type," Nidoran said.

Dave sighed. "Look, if we do this job, then we're free for the rest of the week. Okay?"

Houndour and Nidoran looked at each other. They both let out small shrugs, then got up to join Dave.

"So where's this place at?" Nidoran asked.

"Oh…it's at the…ummm…you know…" Dave stammered.

"No, we don't know. That's why we're asking," Houndour said.

"Oh, well in that case…it's in that one place, with the one thing that does stuff."

"You forgot to ask for instructions, didn't you?" Nidoran asked.

"…Maybe just a little bit."

After hours upon hours of questioning other pokémon as to where they might find Skarmory (and receiving such helpful answers as, "my ass," or, "I'm calling the cops), the trio had finally managed to find the proper destination.

"Well, here it is. Mt. Steel," Dave said.

"Just think; we could be home right now, if Dave had just asked for directions. Oh, wait, no we fucking couldn't, because he blew it the fuck up!" Houndour said.

"Can't you just let it go?" Dave asked.

"I swear to God, if I hear this argument anymore, I'll make you two touch balls!" Nidoran yelled.

"…Hey Dave?"

"Yeah, Houndour?"

"What's say that we never bring up the house again?"

"You read my mind."

Nidoran grinned. "See? We're all one, big, happy family. Dysfunctional too, but there's some happy in there, buried beneath the layers of animosity and passive-aggressiveness. Now, let's go save us a retarded kid."

"Never have I heard such an inspiring sentence about saving a legless mole," Houndour said.

"Let's just get in there and beat up a metal bitch," Nidoran said, as she charged into the cave, Dave and Houndour right behind her.

Contrary to the name, Mt. Steel is not, in fact, made of steel. Instead, it is made up of piles of centuries-old rocks, which have been mysteriously shaped in such a way that rooms and floors were formed.

Also, Mt. Steel is very small. So small, in fact, that it was originally supposed to be called Hill Steel, before some guy said that Mt. Steel sounded better to crazy, metallic birds with a disposition for kidnapping children.

All of this became quite clear to the group the instant they set foot into the first room.

"Is anyone else feeling really, really claustrophobic right now?" Nidoran asked.

Dave opened his mouth, but was silenced by Houndour.

"Dave, if you're about to ask why she's talking about Santa, it's neither original nor funny, and you should feel bad about yourself."

Dave quickly shut up, and didn't say anything until the group had located the stairs.

"Okay, seriously now; doesn't anyone else find these stairs to be kind of weird?" Dave asked.

"Yes, but we've decided it'd just be better if we ignored it, because it's not at all important and generally it's just annoying when someone like you points out the obvious. Shut up, is what I'm trying to say," Houndour said, as he trotted up the stairs.

Dave glared at him from behind as he ascended the stairs to the next floor. As he reached the top, he happened to bump into Houndour, who was standing still on the top step.

"Hey, Houndour?" Dave asked. "Move your fat ass!"

"No fucking way," Houndour said, before sprinting off to one of the corners of the room.

"Hey, wait!" Dave called after him. "The other Pokémon move as soon as you do, and only when you do! You're attracting them all to us!"

"Dave, he's not listening. He's too obsessed with that gummi to hear you," Nidoran said, motioning towards Houndour with a paw.

Dave blinked. "What's a gummi?"

Nidoran let out a sigh. "A sweet treat that tastes exceptionally good, when given to the right type of pokémon. As you can clearly see, Houndour is basically obsessed with that red gummi over there."

"What's that? I can't hear you over my massive pounding erection!" Houndour said, as he began rapidly chewing on the gummi.

"…Well, that's one thing I never wanted to hear," Dave said.

"Get used to it. That's what most males shout whenever they find a gummi they're guaranteed to like," Nidoran said.

"Okay, I'm almost scared to ask what females shout, then."

"You should be," Nidoran said, causing Dave to shiver out of fear.

"Okay, now that that's done, we can move on," Houndour said, as he walked back over to the group.

"How…how was your gummi?" Dave asked, slightly terrified of the response he would get.

"It was simply the most amazing thing I've ever had in my entire life, as it always has been," Houndour sighed. "I pity the dead who can no longer know such joys…"

"Okay, okay. We get it, Houndour; you're hot for sugary candy. Now, can we please move on?" Nidoran asked, impatiently.

Houndour glared at her. "You and I both know that you'd do the same thing if you found your favorite gummi in a cave!"

"Yeah, yeah, can we just move on?" Dave said, pointing at the next set of stairs. "That spearow five blocks away looks kinda pissed."

Several pain-filled floors later…

Dave managed to pull himself up the final step with the last ounce of his strength, then promptly collapsed from exhaustion. As he began to catch his breath, he saw the other two members of his team slowly crawl up the steps as well.

"You just had to make fun of them, didn't you? Couldn't leave well enough alone?" Dave said.

"Well, how was I supposed to know that bronytas were easily offended!" Houndour shouted.

"You stole their toy figurines, lit them on fire, then rolled around in the melted plastic shouting, 'look at me! I'm a ponyta! You'll never be like me, you fat fucks!'" Dave said. "Honestly, I'd be kind of pissed, too."

"In my defense, there was a fat guy there."

"Yes. One fat guy. Out of, like, a hundred," Dave said, as he stood up.

"I'm going to have to side with Dave on this one, mainly because you caused them to get pissed off and kick me in the face," Nidoran said, as she motioned towards the rapidly developing bruise on her cheek.

"Whatever. Let's just-"

"Hey, what's this thing?"

Houndour looked over to where Dave was standing. "That's an orb, Dave. Now-" his eyes widened. "DAVE, PUT THAT FUCKING ORB DOWN RIGHT NOW!"

"Why?"

"Because you're you, and that things dangerous as shit," Nidoran said, as she took the orb away from Dave.

"Why? What's it do?"

"That depends on the orb. What you have here is an escape orb. Touch it in the wrong spot and it'll transport us back to the town square, and we'd have to go through the entire fucking cave system and deal with those bronytas again," Nidoran said, as she set the orb gently on the ground.

"So, we're just going to leave it there?"

"Yes Dave, we're just going to leave it there. Don't touch it, don't breathe on it, don't even look in its general direction. I will hurt you if you do," Nidoran said, as she and Houndour entered the hallway.

Dave cast one last, forlorn look at the orb before entering after them. "So, how many more floors before we get to the bird?" he asked.

"None. Once we find the stairs here, we'll be at the peak, and I'm betting that's where we'll find her and the kid," Houndour said.

"We're dead, aren't we?"

"Probably," Houndour said.

"If you two are quite finished, I've got the stairs over here," Nidoran said, as she pointed towards the staircase. "You coming?"

Houndour glanced at Dave, then at Nidoran. "Yup. Let's go do this," he said, as he went up the stairs.

"If I'm going to die, I might as well die on top of a mountain by the talons of an armor-clad bird," Dave said, as he followed Houndour.

Nidoran cast one last glance behind her before ascending the stairs with her comrades.

"Well, here we are. At the motherfucking peak. Aaaaaaaaaand there's no kidnapped child or pedophilic bird anywhere," Dave said.

"That's because you're looking the wrong way, Dave," Houndour said, as he grabbed Dave, then turned him around.

"Oh, now I see it," Dave said, as he came face-to-face with a very angry, very deadly-looking metal bird.

"Oh, look who decided to stop by! Please, do continue staying on top of my peak!" Skarmory said, with a smile.

"Enough games! Where's the kid?" Houndour asked.

"Kid? Oh! You mean Diglett. He's back there, on top of that stone he could very easily tunnel his way through, but for some reason doesn't," Skarmory said.

"This job is eight kinds of retarded…" Nidoran murmured.

Skarmory gasped. "Language! There's a child present, you know," she said, motioning towards Diglett with a razor-sharp feather.

"Because you kidnapped him!" Dave said.

"Kidnap? Oh, no, little shinx, you've got it all wrong! I invited him here as thanks for knocking down a portion of the mountain and sealing in that crevice over there."

"Yeah, that's what happened," Diglett said.

Dave's face fell. "Oh. Well, we'll be going, then."

"Oh, nonsense! You came all this way! At least rest here before leaving!" Skarmory said.

"Well, okay," Dave said.

"There is just one thing, though," Skarmory said.

"Which is..?" Nidoran asked.

"Did you wipe your feet before entering the peak?"

Dave gave her a questioning look.

Skarmory's eye twitched. "You…you did wipe your feet, right?"

"Erm…were we supposed to?" Dave asked?

Skarmory let out a loud squawk. "Of course you were supposed to! Didn't you see the mat on the way up?"

She pointed towards the staircase with a feather, and everyone turned their head to check. Sure enough, at the top of the staircase was a small mat with 'Welcome!' printed in bold, black letters across it.

Dave gulped. "I'm…sorry?"

"Sorry doesn't cut it! You come into my house, and then track dirt on my floors?"

"The floors are made of dirt!" Houndour shouted.

"That's beside the point!" Skarmory yelled, as she flared her wings. "Now, I'm going to have to kill you!"

"Oh, you guys fucked up," Diglett said.

"Shut up, you little penis," Nidoran said, as she glared at him.

"Oh, and now you insult my guest? That's it! You are, by far, the worst three visitors I've ever had!" Skarmory said.

"Bring it, lady!" Houndour said, as he leapt forward.

"Gladly!" Skarmory said, as her wings began to glow. Houndour saw what was coming and managed to dodge her attack before it hit him. Instead, the sword-like wings left several deep, long gouges in the floor.

"Scatter!" Houndour shouted, as Skarmory charged towards them all, wings glowing. All three team members managed to avoid her attack, except for Nidoran.

"Son of a bitch!" she shouted, as she felt one of Skarmory's feathers graze her back. It was by no means a deep cut, but it certainly hurt.

"You okay, Nidoran?" Dave shouted.

"I'm fine! Just focus on her!" Nidoran shouted.

Dave nodded, then began charging a thundershock attack. Out of the corner of his eye, he witnessed Houndour preparing to use ember.

"Same time!" he yelled, just as both of their attacks finished charging. In an instant, the two released their charged attacks, which both struck Skarmory head-on.

Skarmory let out a yelp as the two attacks hit her on her shielded forehead, then began to laugh. "You think you can penetrate my armor? Think again!" she said, as she began slashing at Houndour with her wing blades.

Houndour looked at Dave, desperation etched across his face. "Any ideas?"

"Just one," Dave said.

"Other than wetting yourself and calling for your mother, I mean."

"Oh. Then, none.

"Will you two do something?" Nidoran cried, as she ducked underneath Skarmory's beak.

Dave shrugged. "Wait! I thought of something!" he cried, as he picked up a pebble, then threw it at Skarmory.

"You're a moron, Dave!" Nidoran shouted.

To everyone's surprise, Skarmory let out a loud shriek as the pebble hit her on the back. "Ahhh! Gravelrocks! My one true weakness!"

Dave grinned. "Everyone, throw pebbles!"

At his cue, Houndour and Nidoran began scooping up mouthfuls of pebbles and spat them at Skarmory, bullet-speed style.

The three watched as Skarmory twisted in pain as each of the pebbles struck her all across the body. They backed her into a corner, then each bent down and scooped up another mouthful of pebbles.

"Wait!" Skarmory cried. "I give, I give! You win! Please, no more gravelrocks! I beg you!"

Houndour, Nidoran, and Dave all looked at each other, then spat out their mouthfuls of pebbles.

"Soooo…mission success?" Dave asked, as Skarmory started crying.

"Yeah, I'd say so. Someone get the kid so we can get back to town," Houndour said.

"No need," Diglett said, as he dug his way over to the group.

"Kid, do you know how much fucking trouble you put us through in order to 'save' you?" Houndour asked.

"No, and frankly, I don't care. I just want to get home so I can yell at Dugtrio for sending someone to come get me before dinner was served."

"It was going to be a vegetarian meal, too!" Skarmory said, in between sobs.

"Whatever. Let's just leave before this gets any weirder," Nidoran said, as she grabbed Diglett and activated her badge, teleporting back to the town.

"Let's go, Dave," Houndour said, as he, too, activated his badge.

Dave reached down to activate his, but as he did so, he happened to catch some movement out of the corner of his eye. As he turned to look at what it was, he accidentally activated his badge. As such, the only thing he had time to see was the tip of a tail disappearing between the rocks.

"So, when do we get paid?" Houndour asked.

"Hmmmm?" Dugtrio said. "Oh. Oh! Your payment. Yes, here you go," he said, as he mimed picking something up and placing it at Houndour's feet.

Houndour scowled. "What is this bullshit?"

"That, my friend, is a single fuck. It is my gift to you. Use it well, for it is the only one I shall ever give you," Dugtrio said, as it disappeared beneath the ground.

"I really hate life sometimes," Houndour said, as he marched back under the tree. "I'll be here if anyone needs me. Hopefully you don't, because you'll be on your own if you do."

"Sleep sounds good right about now, you know," Nidoran said, as she joined Houndour beneath the shade.

"Hey, guys?" Dave asked.

"What do you want, assmunch?" Houndour asked.

"Wow, thanks for that self-esteem boost, Houndour. I just wanted to ask if either of you saw anyone else up there while we were fighting Skarmory."

"I didn't see anyone except us three, Diglett, and Skarmory," Nidoran said.

"Well, that's weird, because I could've sworn that, just before I teleported-"

"Dave, go the fuck to sleep already. Nobody cares," Houndour said.

Dave shrugged, then began walking towards the tree to join the others two. He stopped when they began glaring at him.

"What?" he asked.

Silently, Nidoran and Houndour pointed to the tree Dave had been forced to sleep under the night before.

"Gee, I love you guys, too."

"Just get under the damn tree," Houndour and Nidoran said at once.

A/N: This chapter contains my first battle scene. I tried. Also, this thing now has a cover. I don't know why, but somehow, I think it works.

Stay read-y, my friends.